As suggested by pepperband, I have been spending
time reading/lurking- I have a question and
don't seen it mentioned anywhere on the sight.
Do you think that even if infidelity is not a
factor in your marriage, that plan A behavior is
always the ideal? What I mean- are these
behaviors the way you should always treat a
spouse? Welcome your thoughts. Thanks!!

Sorry, double post

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
<strong>Do you think that even if infidelity is not a
factor in your marriage, that plan A behavior is
always the ideal? What I mean- are these
behaviors the way you should always treat a
spouse?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pink Paige, I don't think I'm a 'veteran' at all, but if you will allow me to answer your question: Yes, I believe it is!

Paige,

I'm not a vet either but I'll echo Suzet's notion that yes, Plan A is a way of life. Some think Plan A is being a doormat, but Harley defines it as:

1. Avoidig LBs
2. Filling ENs
3. Following POJA
4. Spend Leisure time with your S

I think the MB ideal includes more, however - Radical Honesty.

gosh paige...I give you credit for being cryptic....

I have a marriage that is free of infidelity...
and have posted many times that early on in marriage if there was a side I would have been on the WS side of the coin.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Not that I ever sought any type of emotional connection with anyone....
but because I bought the psycho-babble that I was entitled to happiness and it was eveyone elses job to make me happy...

that I could move in realm of selfish entitlement....

that I could claim to be giving person then stab the reciever in the back and claim victimization.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

not high maintanance...but drama queen extroidinairre....

creating mountains out of molehills etc..
but I married a great guy....

I guess I can better answer your question if you tell me what you consider "plan A behavior to be?"

I can tell things I have learned here...

ARK

wasn't trying to be cryptic. I was simply
reading plan A/B information and it struck me
that many of the behaviors they suggest- no anger,
demands, threats, focusing change only on yourself,
behaving lovingly at a time when your not being
treated that way- that also ties into the Renters,
Buyers and Freeloaders thing was an ideal way to
behave as a marriage partner in general and I
was wondering if others see it that way to?
Did I say something to generate a hostile reply
or am I misreading you?

what is up with these boards...
I know it's not a full moon...

there's no hostility....

Also people can interpret plan a differently so i was afraid to say yea or neh without knowing what I was saying it to.....

lots of things on this site have served my marriage well....

ark....

Hi Paige,

I would agree with some of the others when I say that Plan A, if implemented properly, would be a great way to strive for a better marriage.

But Plan A isn't something that you "do" or "implement", and then lay back and proclaim that you have a achieved a perfect marriage. It's constant work, and constant give and take. It's something you are always working towards; you may achieve it for a time, but something will always come up that threatens it. If you have a good base for your M, however, you can withstand that things that come up.

Some think that Plan A means accepting any behavior, and being completely submissive. I disagree. Limits have to be set, and adhered to, and that's what POJA is all about. There should be forgiveness, but not to an infinite degree. Some here will argue with me about that, but I, personally, would only be able to see a marriage working if it contains two active partners. Some here, to their credit, have stayed in marriages far longer than I think I could have, given similar circumstances. For example, my W has been a model BS, as far as I'm concerned, but she has also told me that I get one strike and that's it. Any repeats, and she walks, and I know she means it. I see nothing wrong with this. While forgiveness is a saintly quality, there are SOME out there who would continue to take advantage of perpetual forgiveness. I guess that's where Plan B comes in.

Good Luck,

Bob

Paige...

Some people discuss "topics"

and others discuss "issues" (thanks to Dr. Phil I have a way to express what sometimes bothers me about discussions)

The topic plan A ...what plan A is, and how to impliment plan A.


The issue is ... what are the characteristics of a healthy mutually happy marriage. Right?

Pep

Paige,

To answer your question directly: NO. Plan A is NOT the way to run a functioning marriage and that is the reason Harley came up with plan B.

Permit me to illucidate this answer. If you are asking is:

1. Having no LB's?
2. Using radical honesty?
3. Using the POJA?
4. Using the 4 rules that Harley discusses?
5. Being kind and caring?
6. Working on ones deficiencies?

A good way to run a marriage the answer is absolutley yes. It is. Does anyone achieve this completely all of the time, probably not. But, it is a good goal and certainly excellent guidelines.

So why did I say NO to plan A. In Plan A the BS or even the WS needs to put their "taker" on hold, in order to show the WS that there is a chance to rebuild the marriage and that the marriage is a safe place. It is acknowledged that the WS or a very hurt BS will NOT be meeting the needs of the person doing the plan A, hence "taker" is on hold.

This situation cannot last indefinitely, because everyone has both a "giver" and a "taker", and some sort of balance between these two states is essential or deep resentment builds. In other words, everyone needs some if not all of their needs met. So plan A as designed and utilized to bring the WS back to the marriage to start rebuilding is NOT a lifetime strategy.

However, as I mentioned, meeting needs, and doing the other things listed is surely an excellent way to have an enjoyable marriage.

Hope this helps.

JL

Originally posted by Plumb Bob:


I would agree with some of the others when I say that Plan A, if implemented properly, would be a great way to strive for a better marriage.

I respectfully DISagree. Plan A is too lopsided to work long term.

There needs to be a balanced meeting of needs in a healthy marriage.

Plan A is temporary, meant to demonstrate to the wayward spouse the betrayed's intention to correct previous pre-A wrong behavior(s) .... Plan A is too doormatish to work in a marriage long term. Not healthy.

My opinion.

Pep

I agree also that Plan a is not how to work a marriage...

aspects like the no disrepectful judgements..serves well in cases....

but not all aspects of plan a....serve a marriage well...

ark

Plan A is a method of dealing with an unfaithful spouse.

Marriage without infidelity, or in recovery move into (and I'm working from memory here and might have care & protection mixed up, but the info is here on the site):

-Rule of Time--spending 15 hours a week together
-Rule of Care--meeting needs and no lovebusters
-Rule of Protection--not doing anything that hurts the spouse
-Rule of Honesty
-Policy of Joint Agreement--neither partner does anything the other does not enthusiastically agree to.