I have issued Plan B plan with my husband and I feel scared and at the same time, like it is the right thing to do.

I need reassurance and some listeners who have been there to help me through the scary waters ahead.

I know that some manipulation is coming on my husband's part and that the loneliness etc. that I will feel if he leaves frightens me a bit.

I'm sorry to invoke your names like this, but you have given such good advice to me in the past that I value your expertise and opinions.

So, here are my main concerns:
1. resisting manipulation/breaking down etc. saying "well Ok, I'll try it again ...etc."

2. Feeling waves of love wearing me down--wanting to be with him

3. Seeing him cry.

4. Him issuing an ultimatum to me.

However, I am adamant about staying the course. I can't live another year like I have for the past 9 months. I just want peace in my life.

Sandy

Sandi,

I'm sure those you called out will be along to give you some input. In the meantime, you might find support and folks who understand in the We're in Plan B thread here in GQII.

Sandi,

Just thought of something. If you're in Plan B, you wont' see him cry, nor hear his ultimatums and manipulations, right? That's part of the beauty of it. 'course, I've never done one so what do I know...

I do read that it's extremely difficult at first and becomes more peaceful as time progresses. AND that if you read his emails or answer his phone calls it will really set you back. Strength to you in this most difficult of times.

sandi- Well I've been mostly in Plan B since September, with a few, ahem, "slips". But Plan B is very comfortable. You don't know what is going on, and it is such a relief.

Then you can get busy designing the life YOU want. Plus it is a lot easier to look at everything more objectively from Plan B.

Thanks for your support Turtle. It means a lot to know that someone like yourself cares.

Sandi

Don't let her fool ya, Believer seems to be doing a stellar job in Plan B.

My suggestions...stay busy, especially the first week. You will get the urge to call or 'just stop by' to drop something off, don't! Visit a friend at first, call a friend, go out of town, plan a trip, go to the movies (or anywhere else you have to turn off your phone). Make it VERY hard for you to rationalize talking with him.

You may get down at first because it is common for the WS to seem to enjoy Plan B (sticks to the NC with you). And it may seem like it's not "working", but that's not what Plan B is about...it's about YOU!!! You getting out from under the chaos and turmoil and having to face the A every day.

Have you sent a letter? Did you do a great Plan A, so he knows what he will be giving up? And have you given him a plan, a path to return? (NC, IC/MC, etc...)

sandi girrl,

Not one that you called out too, but wanted to respond anyway. Hope that's OK.

I am in agreement with turtle here. IF you are doing a true plan B, then your questions #1, 3 & 4 should be taken care of by themselves.
NO contact, then no manipulation OR guilt trip!

That will only leave you with #2 (your own feelings) to have to rain in and control.
If any of these become a problem, just tap into the feelings of the living H*LL you've been experiencing. That should help with any need to cheat and contact Hubby.

However, from all the many posts read over the last 2 years, is that MOST out there DO NOT go truly dark. For a whole host of reasons.
Yet, the bottom line is that they continue to have some amount of contact with their WS.

This seems to be the sticking point. Unfortunately, it sabotages the entire plan.

It seems that the BS gets to be "addicted" to the contact from the WS, as much as the WS gets their fix from the OP.
Even when the BS knows in their head that it is only going to cause them further harm. Interesting dynamic there.

So if you don't have the resolve to go all the way and go truly "dark", then wait till you are strong enough before implementing this plan.
IMO don't through trial plan B's. All this will do is let your WS think you are not really serious or committed when you DO inform him of your plan.

In any case, most of your questions should be taken care of by the NO Contact spelled out in the Plan B.

You sound serious to me.
So I'll ask that HE give you the strength to stay Fully committed to this effort and see it through to the end.
I personally wish you success in this. As it is soooo tough.
I truly hope it gives you the conclusion you want. TAKE Care

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. You are all very wise and your advice will certainly be considered.

I came home today (after not calling my H or him calling me today --I told him about NC or separation last night) to the cold shoulder. He is speaking to me but barely. I repeated that I love him and need this for the good of our marriage. He said he doesn't want a separation and will break away from the band by the end of July when his committment to it is over.

He is trying the distant, looking out of the window silent treatment. He is distant but polite. I know that he is mad. I guess I'll have to toughen up and remember as you said, how for 9 months 3X a week he would be with her at band and that was hard for me!

Keep encouraging me if you can, I really need this support. I know that you all have your own situations to deal with but I need some friends. One of the things that I realize is that I don't have a lot of daily support in my life to talk to, or at least those who would understand this stuff like you all do.

Thanks so much,
Sandy

Hi Sandi, the others gave you some great advice about Plan B, but it doesn't sound like you are in Plan B since he is still living there. Am I right about that? Plan B can only work if you are not living together. It sounds like what you have done is set down a boundary. Do I have it right?

sandigirl,

I read your previous post, before this one, couldn't remember your name and really wanted to respond to you. So glad you posted again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just wanted to give you another side of all of this, from first hand experience.

Let me say first of all that I was a professional musician, and my FWS is a professional musician.

My FWS had an affair with a singer. Anyway, I had given up my career as a musician and SINGER, to stay home and take care of the children, as someone had to. Did not want them raised by whoever I could get to mind them in the evenings.

Regardless, I do want to support you. I am perfectly alright with my FWS playing music, it is, after all, his livlihood.

However, I was not okay with him playing with ow, even tho it was over. I had a rough go of this for a few months. I went into plan B over this issue. Then 2 months after supposed NC my FWS played another (the LAST) gid with ow. It was all about returning things and mushy mushy mushy. (baarf)It is something that I have struggled with, that has about destroyed me.


At this time, after almost 4 years since D-day, am not comfortable with FWS playing with other singers that are of the female persuasion.

It is perfectly alright for you to set boundaries regarding ow. No playing with her or being in any band, whatsoever, with ow. NOT GOOD.

I do hope that you let your H play music without LBing him.. I can understand that he would rather cut off his arm than go without. My FWS could not ever stop. It is his career. It is all he has ever done. I know this is not the case with your WS, but I do understand his need to play. I have always mourned that I quit.

Nevertheless, it is okay if you say no band with ow. This is what I said, and I meant it. I went into plan B because of it.

You are okay to set boundaries by saying WS has to quit band(s) that ow is in in order to have recovery. You cannot have recovery without this.

If you need to go to plan B to get WS to understand, I support you. I do want you to know that it is okay to say no to him playing with ow. Sounds like he is in several bands, so your WS needs to set his priorities straight. He needs to understand that there are other bands, that he overstepped the boundaries of marriage and there is, afterall, a price to pay to make things right again. If WS does not want to give up band with ow, then plan B is appropriate until WS has no contact.

Don't let WS music be the trigger for you. It is a part and a love of WS life. But set your boundaries regarding ow and your H being any where around ow. This is okay. You want your marriage and this is okay to set your limits.

Stay strong, you ARE WORTHY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just don't ask WS to completely give up music. You are NOT being unreasonalble to ask WS to quit band(s) with ow.

Also, hugs to you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Thank you to all for your responses. Yes I have laid down the boundaries for H:

No contact with OW--that means no bands that have her in it. I fully support him being in any groups, symphonies, etc. that she is NOT in.

This is not going well--last night he was saying things like: "well, I messed things up and now I have to pay the price" etc. while weeping a bit. (Ya, right buddy (I'm thinking this in my mind--I paid the price for nine freakin' months now, you've had everything--the bands, contact with her, me, the kids etc.) and now you are crying because I asked you to take a leave/leave the band until I feel safe again? This is painful to watch and hear....

However, I didn't cave. I just kept thinking that things will be better for me when she is out of my life. I have honestly gotten over the betrayal, the lying etc. and I do think we are in a better place overall, but the contact and the possibilities of what might come out of that contact makes me very nervous--all of the time.

He sees my request as asking him to quit all music--I think he will push this into PLAN B--I just have this feeling.

Thank you Miss M for your thoughts especially, since you have truly been in my position. I heard what you said loud and clear and it confirms what I am asking of him. It is time for him to make things right--I have been trying, essentially on my own for 9 months, and not getting anywhere really. He has overstepped the bouundaries and he does need to pay the price. I need to see a big gesture from him--but it makes me feel so small and insignificant to see him crying over one small town, cheesy band when compared to my heartbreak and agony for all of these months.

I guess I wanted him to say somthing like, "You are right, your feelings haven't been taken into account, I see how this has been hurting you and I don't want to see you hurt anymore. I'm out of there until you feel safter in our marriage."
He's not thinking this--he is thinking about the friendships etc. that he will miss and is mourning THAT instead of seeing that our marriage is on the ROCKS and almost over.

God this is awful. I feel so sad. I feel devalued. I feel so taken for granted and like my heartache has not been acknowledged.

Your kind words and your strength are helping more than you'll ever know.

Love to all,
Sandy

Sandy - Don't cave in now. Your request is perfectly reasonable. However your WH is like all the rest, he is only thinking of himself right now. And that will continue as long as he has contact with OW.

He should be willing to write her a no contact letter, but he probably will refuse. It should say that he loves you and wants to work on his marriage, and desires no contact with her.

See what he says to that. Then, it might be time for Plan B.

Hi Sandigirl

I'm afraid this is just a fleeting visit to MBs, but I remember when you posted a thread about renewed contact and just wanted to send a quick reply.

I know how reluctant you have been about plan B and I'm just wondering if you have done everything you can before implementing it.

I had a quick look on your old thread and you received lots of advice about exposure to OWH. You said exposure had created hell before. I'm just wondering why you're not prepared to do it again. Maybe you've done it now?

I would guess that your husbands' upset over leaving the band, is far more to do with OW than you realise. It sounded before, like he was kidding himself he could handle seeing her. Now he's having to really face the end of the A. It may be some time before his commitment to you will return, as withdrawel from OW (even if he thought he had control of things) will probably hit him hard.

I'm so sorry you're still in this awful situation. You are clearly one strong lady and I wish you all the best. I never plan B'd, but sometimes wish I had. I'm sure it would have speeded up the whole sorry process and turned my H back to me much sooner. The months of cake eating I had to endure, make recovery much harder, so I really feel for you.

I'm sorry I don't have time to write more. You have lots of people here cheering you on and they will all see you through this time, with their excellent advice and invaluable experience.

Best of luck to you with your plan B and please consider exposure, if you haven't already done so. It may well be all you need to move forward.

Hi everyone. So, here is my update. He has quit the bands--he sent emails to his band and section leader. I feel better already. He is resentful I know, but because I said that after an indefinite period of time (like a year or more), we'll talk about joining those bands again possibly, once our marriage is on a strong footing, he seemed to have some leeway.

Before we went to sleep though, he told me that he was looking at apartment prices and there was one that he could manage. I told him I love him and want our marriage to work out. Any ideas why he would talk about the apartment now? To make me afraid? Feel guilty? Any thoughts on that? I feel it is a manipulation.

SO, what is next? Wanting a nc letter to be written? Trying to have some fun together (although from the look on his face lately THAT would be a monumental task!) or just keep things low key and let the dust settle before move forward to the next step of healing this marriage?

Your thoughts/ideas are most appreciated.

Love Sandy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandigirrl:
[QB] Hi everyone. So, here is my update. He has quit the bands--he sent emails to his band and section leader. I feel better already. He is resentful I know, but because I said that after an indefinite period of time (like a year or more), we'll talk about joining those bands again possibly, once our marriage is on a strong footing, he seemed to have some leeway.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sandi, you can't give him ANY leeway on this EVER. There can NEVER EVER be any contact with the OW again. Please do not bargain away your marriage and your peace of mind by giving leeway on this issue. Trust me, you will come to dearly regret it. Future contact with the OW is not a negotiable issue. Otherwise you are selling away your future and your marriage for nothing more than a short term truce. A short term agreement will only help your marriage in the short term.

Agreeing to no contact is the LEAST he can do if you agree to stay with him after his affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any ideas why he would talk about the apartment now? To make me afraid? Feel guilty? Any thoughts on that? I feel it is a manipulation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask him! Ask him what he needs with an apartment. Don't LET him manipulate you.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

You are absolutely right Melody. I've got to go over this again with him very soon.

He knows that playing again in any bands with her will happen on my terms, when I feel right about it--which may be NEVER. I haven't promised him anything. I'm sure that he thinks that I'll get over it quickly...he doesn't GET the depth of my pain and heartache that I have carried for so long.

You are right--I can't bargain away my marriage. I'll talk to him tonight.

Thanks,

Sandy