My husband and I have been married for 2 years, living together for 4 after a brief courtship. I have two boys who live with me, 11 and 12 (I have a cordial relationship w/ ex, we co-parent well) and my husband has two kids, boy 16, girl 12. They live in the area, but due to very dysfunctional blended family issues, any visitations, other than short visits that my husband has with his kids, have been post-poned until fall, when the restraining order the bio-mom has on me expires. Long story, and I'd be glad to explain further, but will do so later. Prior to this restraining order, step life was a complete nightmare for our whole family. We've spent so much energy, time and money on addressing one issue after another that I think we're all suffering PTSD (just kidding). My boys are doing well, and have a loving relationship with their dad, and a very good relationship with my husband. My husband has a few issues with my kids, mostly along the lines of typical pre-teen behaviors. I have a difficult time sometimes in watching how my husband interacts with the kids -- I will admit I am overly protective of them, and I think this comes from being an abused step-child myself. I swore I would never let a Step-dad abuse my kids, and I am ever watchful for any transgressions. I'm getting better at this, but I know I have a lot more to work on.

My husband lost his job last fall, and has started a new career that will take a long time to grow. We are reliant on my income for our bills (including his kids' insurance and child support) and have gotten so far behind in our bills that I have had to start using the child support that I get for my kids to help make ends meet. My kids are doing without, and I feel awful that I'm taking money from them in order to meet obligations created by my husband. Truthfully, I resent the fact that my husband leans so heavily on me in so many areas: financial, emotional, etc. I am responsible for paying bills, house cleaning (although I would say he is better than the average man about helping out) and it just seems to me that we're always dealing with one of HIS problems or issues. I didn't marry in order to take on more burden, I thought we would be sharing the burdens, but it's all about him, all the time. Or his kids, or his job, or his ex, you get the picture. I know I sound like a horrible and selfish prig right now, I realize that. I just don't seem to have it in me to continue to be his cheerleader! I have lost respect for him, feel like I'm more the "man of the house", and I hate it. Our sex life is non-existant, and I'm beginning to not even care about that. Things are good when I just smile and encourage. I feel like I have to give him a pep talk all the time, meanwhile I'm worrying about bills, my own issues, trying to raise my kids, etc.. I feel like a single mom all over again, but this time around it's even harder.

I just wanted to give some background on my story. I'm sure I've left lots out. I will fill in the gaps later. My intentions are to improve my marriage. I realize that it's not going to be easy, but I do love my husband and want to try to salvage this relationship.

Thanks for listening.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: hischeerleader ]</small>

HCL,

You're wise to be concerned! A great place for you to start is with Dr. Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs. You can order it on the website.

It helps put order to what your needs are, and what are Love Busters to you. This site has the questionnaire in the book that helps you uncover exactly what your top ENs are! You can look at and download the questionnaires from the site.

It's empowering to understand the importance that your needs are valid regardless of what they are.

One of the ones Dr. Harley lists is financial support. Whew, I have to say that's a big one of mine, and I'd have a real problem if it wasn't being met.

There's another book of his called Give & Take. It talks about your "Giver & Taker". You can read about those too on this site. It's your "Taker" that won't allow you to be taken advantage of or feel you're sacrificing the wellbeing of your children to support his.

This is a great place for you to be and I have to say it's refreshing to talk with someone who isn't/wasn't having an affair.

I wish my husband and I would have found this site and all the information it has before he had his affair!! Welcome!!

Cheerleader,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! You might also try posting under "Emotional Needs" - this area is in the infidelity section, and it doesn't sound from your post like you've experienced that. However, GQII does get more traffic than most areas so you may prefer to hang out here anyway. Just an observation.

I live in a blended family too and they can be a real challenge. You'll find others here who can relate, sympathize, and offer suggestions regarding blended families.

Obviously you need to talk to your H and let him know that you're feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, etc. You need to do this without complaining or starting a fight. Read up on Love Busters (in the Concepts section of this website) and it will show you some pitfalls to avoid.

Is there any chance your H would read a book with you? If so, His Needs, Her Needs would be a great one for you two to start on.

I think your biggest obstacle will be getting your H to understand that this isn't just a "gee, I'd really rather have fettucine for dinner" type discussion but a really big important ongoing topic. At least that's been my own experience in my own M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Again, welcome - keep posting and let us know how things are going.