I don't know how most women feel, but the need to feel protected is very important to me. I would give almost anything if he defended me against people who said or did anything to hurt me, but he doesn't. I would love for him to look back and realize who the people were that encouraged him to hurt me and not think of them as friends now, but he doesn't think they did anything wrong. I feel that if he truly loved me, and he really does think that what he did was the biggest mistake he ever made, then he would look back at the other people who treated me like I was nothing more than a bag of garbage to be treated very badly and he would be angry with them as well as himself. Not just the OW, there were several people who enabled and encouraged what he was doing, people who didn't even know me.
b]
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New developement related to the above paragraph. One of the people who "enabled and encouraged" is moving out of State. There is a going away party Saturday for her, it's being held at the home of another person who encouraged what he did. My H wants to go and he wants me to go with him. I don't know how I can explain to him that these people are enemies to me and to our marriage. I don't want to be around them but I don't want him to feel like we can have no social life because I don't like any of his friends either. Without going in to too much detail, the two people we are talking about not only said things to him like "it's time to end your marriage" and "you don't have to explain anything to her " (meaning me) they also did something that could have hurt my kids very much! That to me is unforgivable! We were fairly new here when he met the OW, I didn't know his coworkers but they probably met her (OW) I know they were very supportive of his decision to leave me. He told them he didn't love me and all the other crap that an unfaithful husband says. I'm sure that he rewrote the history of our M when he spoke with them, but a decent person would either stay out of it or tell him he was doing the wrong thing! A decent person doesn't encourage bad behavior and they sure don't help with it! These people did help him do wrong things and I can't sit accross a table from them and act like it doesn't effect me. I think he's being pretty insensative by asking me to.

I know that he is the one who did the most wrong, but if I am going to stay with him I can't harbor any hate for him, I can't forever resent what he did. I don't love his friends/co-workers so I don't have to forgive them for their part in it.

What can I say that might make him understand how I feel?

I think you need to be honest with him and tell him what you wrote here. He needs to know exactly how you feel and why. If he still wants to go to the party with you, I personally would go. These are his co-workers and you can't hide from them. However, it doesn't mean you need to speak to these particular people at the party.

Let his co-workers see what a wonderful person you are. Before they didn't know you, so the encouragement they gave your H was based on all the fog talk he was telling them. They need to know the terrific person that you are so they can see why your H is so happy to be married to you.

Good luck!

I don't think you should say much to him in words...on this..

I think you should say it in actions....

I think you should say that you would love to spend saturday night doing something with him but that you for one have no plans on going to the party....

that if he wants to go that is his choice...but you will not be attending with him...

I think you should tell him that the truth is that it is too painful to go there when people who did not know you easily dismissed you...and the children...

and that you can not be there....
tell him you are sorry this is how you feel...
but it is the way things are...

don't power struggle it...
no arguement...
be upbeat
make alternative plans for saturday night...
know that you are entitled to boundaries...and that this is a fallout of an affair...and you are sorry that it is this way....

I don't think he needs to be angry with them though...though it is a sad sad reflection of people...but he does need to take responsibility for his painting the picture the way he did....

don't waste energy on them....
don't try to educate him...

speak your peace lovingly...with concern....

ark

I agree with Kloe's response. Tell him exactly as stated earlier. Go. Handle yourself well. Assess the co-workers while THEY are assessing you. You will come away with more information than you have now; good or bad only time will tell. Your presence will send a msg that you are supporting H (and you indicated you want to support him) but H knows full well that your rader is on full alert. You'll be able to see from his actions at the party some things; hopefully he will show you proper respect as well.

Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ark, I think I'll take your advise on this.

As much as I am very uncomfortable with the idea of my H going to a party without me I don't think it's a good idea for me to go. I really don't think anyone there would think I was "wonderful" because I can't fake being friendly with people when I have extremely bad feelings towards them. I'm sure the most I could do to be nice would be to stay quiet and to myself. I couldn't bounce in all happy to see a bunch of people I really don't like. I also couldn't have anything to drink because I would be more likely to ask these people how they would feel if strangers did something that would screw their children out of what rightfully belonged to them. That is a ? I would really like to ask of the woman, she is a mother and I can't for the life of me figure out how a mother could have done that.

Take the high road.

Go to this function and show everyone what an absolutey FABULOUS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> person you are.

You don't know these people very well. They don't know you. Show them your best side and keep it in the back of your head that at least ONE of them is getting out of your life. Celebrate. WHOOOOHOOO! One of them is leaving.

And the others can look at this maaaaarvelous woman and wonder what in the heck was your FWS thinking????? when he was in the A? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You can turn this around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know you can, because you are WORTH it!!! And don't forget to be dressed to knock everyone flat!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

So far that's 3 votes GO, and one vote DON'T GO (2 if you count mine) I just don't know.

I hate that we are stuck like this. We don't socialize at all because he won't go with me when I am with my extended family (they don't like him but they are trying to be polite to him) and I won't have anything to do with his so called friends. We aren't going to be here forever, he is going to retire next year and we will be moving away from here. That will be a very good thing, we need a fresh start away from this place!

Perhaps if you go and be your wonderful self, it might be a catalyst for FWS to see your family.

What goes around comes around. Be your best, forgive, they will not be part of your life for long so what the hay!!

It might help H come around to your family if he sees you can do it!

As I said before, take the high road. Whether it be with FWS colleagues or your family, so be it. And be an advocate for FWS with your family if indeed he is FORMER.

Don't let a moment in time rule your life. Spoken as one who stuggles. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God bless, do what you feel is healthiest for your marriage and for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

toomany...

you NAILED this issue originally with the ISSUE being your husband NOT protecting you...

this has nothing to do with the lies that these people bought about...
THOUGH I don't care if someone told me there spouse had three heads and spit green pea soup at them...none of that would make me encourage them to cheat on their spouse...

they were cowards and wanted to say the "right" things to your husband to be "liked" and "cool" to him...
affairs are intrusive and drama...and people who encourage others fill emptiness in their own lives...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


But the real issue...is your husbands easy villification of you.(past)...and his now refusal to claim responsibility of the fall out....(present)

he does not redeem him-self by taking you and using you to prove that how ever many heads and evil ways you had back "then"...somehow you magically got better...and there for no need for him, the poor victim to need to cheat on you...

toomany you don't have to prove you are wonderful to these people...
you are wonderful damnit....

Now if your husband was stepping up to the plate...and asking you to go because he has confronted his past behavior and set the record straight with these people that would be different....

perhaps he will only go for a while and you two could meet somewhere...
I think it's important if you choose not to go..that you so very happily and without arguement pouting or powerstuggling...

don't spend gobs of time focused on these people...
it really is your husbands doing....
wouldn't it be nice if he didn't want to go and was uncomfortable and you did want to go...

ark.....

toomany,

How about radical honesty with your H, explaining how you feel... followed by a POJA figuring out something you can both be enthusiastic about. Throw all ideas on the table without evaluating them, then when you're exhausted of ideas go back and start tossing out the klunkers.

You might find that your H could prove his protection by the way he treats you at the event. You'd need to come up with a couple of specific behaviors for him that would make you enthusiastic about attending.

You might find that your H could prove his protection by staying home with you or by doing something really special with just the two of you.

Since these people are his coworkers, they're not going to magically disappear; you probably don't want him going and you sitting home in an angry or depressed funk. That would only solidify the notion that you have three heads <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> However if you and your H together decide that you are best protected by him going to a work event without you then that would be different.

Anyway, my .02 (worth about .005) is Radical Honesty and POJA.

Now that's using your noggin turtlehead..

excellent advice...
ark

ive got some similat issues with hubby and his work friends. one who has been like family to us was used as an excuse one time so hubby could have a date with ow. the friend was put in this position after the fact. hubby told him if i ever asked (after the date) that he was with him playing pool. this poor kid was put in an impoisible position by hubby, who is also his boss. he could of stood up and told me---he and i are also friends--but he didnt. so after d-day the friend and i talked......he looked me right in the eyes, looked as if he was gonna cry.....and apologized for his part. this kid was 21 at the time. the bravery he showed and grace in apologizing allowed me to forgive him. he is still a part of our lives.

as far as the others----they can all go to he//. they dont have the grace to apologize for their behavior---then i dont have the time for them in my life. hubby has a hard time with this but these people have done their part in the damage, and take none of the responsibility. i do not have time in my life for these kinds of people....im with ark.....no way.