I was just reading on the Marriage Builders site and was so happy to find a chapter on physical attractiveness. Unfortunately, I chose to be honest to my spouse of 20 years and told him I was avoiding sex because I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. I said it when we were fighting about sex and I was fed up with being the brunt of the sex jokes or his lack of it. He was very upset when I said it, and hit me. He has never let me forget it and continually brings it up like I'm supposed to feel bad for saying it. He called me selfish and a shallow person, and he felt sorry for me! He is overweight, as well as the rest of his family, he has one brother who had a gastric-bypass. So I know it is hereditary. Yet, none of them have dieted or watched what they eat. Meals have always and still are a very important family thing. I just can't look at him and be sexually attracted to him anymore. I exercise moderately and have always watched what I eat, since I was a teenager. Of course he thinks I'm naturally thin and I don't ever have to worry about what I eat. He thinks I try to look good so people notice me! I love him very much. He is my high school sweetheart since I was 13 and him 16. I was very attracted to him at a young age, physically and emotionally. He is a very giving lover and satisfies me. But I go through the motions because I know he can satisfy me but I never initiate sex because I do not desire him. But because I don't desire him he doesn't think I love him. He was prepared for a divorce. I think of love and sex as two very separate, but important parts of a marriage. He says he would love me no matter what I looked like. He just doesn't understand that I do love him with all my heart but I just don't find him physically attractive. It has caused him to become very insecure in our marriage since I was honest about my feelings. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about my feelings? It may ruin a 20 year marriage. Any advice on how I can fix the damage I've done...

Jump his bones every chance you get! Make him feel like he is the sexiest man alive.

If you can't get excited looking at him than think about him. Think about sex all day when you are not with him, and then when you see him you will be so "hot" you will be dying to have sex with him. And If you have to take something to increase your libido...there are a lot of herbal remedies on the market for this, or your doctor can you something.

When he feels attractive, no matter what he looks like, he just might just start to take off the weight.

Mitsy,

I understand how you feel since the maintenance of the physical body is also important to me. Everyone can’t be attractive, but if possible, I think it’s important to try and keep a balanced and healthy body weight, especially if it’s important to the spouse.

Mitsyy, let me ask you this first: Was your H overweight since you started dating him? Or was his body weight balanced and healthy and has he put on weight after you’ve got married? If your H was overweight from the beginning and you initially accepted him like that, but now it’s a problem to you, I can understand why your H feels upset and insecure about it. However, if this wasn’t the case and he put up weight mostly because of a lack of self-discipline and interest to maintain his body throughout the years, then I can understand why this is such a huge problem to you…

I understand weight problems is a sensitive issue to many people who struggle with weight problems themselves and I also understand that many people struggle with this because of medical or emotional reasons. Although I try to keep a healthy diet and exercise regularly, I’m also one of those people who are naturally thin. My H have a tendency to be overweight, but I try to help him keep it under control by giving him healthy food to eat and by encouraging him to go to gym with him; go for a walk togehter etc.

Misty, except for the physical part, do you feel emotionally attracted to your H? The reason I’m asking this is because a woman who don’t feel very physically attracted to her H normally won’t experience such difficulty with it if she feels emotionally attracted to him… I have a idea that this problem between you and your H goes very deeper than just the physical and that you have to seek the underlying problem first. I’m sure if you let your H feel you accept him as a person in spite of his weight and if you start to encourage him to follow more healthy habits like balanced eating patterns and moderate exercising, it will be a step in the right direction. But then you must first let him feel you accept, love and feel attracted to him as a person, otherwise he won't be willing to work on the weight problem.

I hope this post could be of some help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

What do you mean he hit you when you told him this? Is this a normal part of your relationship? Has he done that before? Or since? The other advise is good but you should not stand for being physically abused. This issue needs to be addressed first.

Oh my gosh, I completely missed that part about hitting.

Thanks Kloe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He was very upset when I said it, and hit me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with kloe...you have much bigger issues to resolve here than being physically attractive.

Is this a pattern? Does he express his anger violently?

JMHO, I don't think you can work on other issues effectively until you address this.

Low

I've also missed the violence part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Of course this can't be tolerated and must be addressed first.

Misty:

I guess I’m one of the shallow ones. There is no way I could find a gluttonous, slovenly person sexually attractive. That is just so disgusting, at lest to me it is. Your husband doesn’t watch what he eats, he doesn’t exercise, then he hits you when you tell the truth about how you feel about his weight. He sounds like a real champ.

I would not advise you to just grin-and-bear-it and have sex with someone that you find unattractive. If his weight bothers you, and you do love this man, then offer to help him lose weight. Join a gym together. Take walks. If you like to cook, prepare low calorie foods for him and eat it too. If he makes headway in this area then let him know how much you appreciate his efforts, I’m sure you know how. Is it manipulation? . . . sure it is. Most human interactions have some element of manipulation if you really examine the interactions objectively.

If he chooses not to lose weight, even after you offer to help him in any way you can, and you make it clear how important it is to you, then you will have an idea about how much he values your emotional needs. An attractive spouse is a need just as important as any other. Some here seem to make it the red-headed stepchild of needs . . . but to me it is just as important as financial support, domestic support, communication, recreational partner, ad infinitum.

If he pulls the Rocky bit again take your ball and go far far away. Life is to short to put up with that [censored].

I can't belive I missed this topic , I had a thread not to long ago about his EN appearance .

anyway ,, thats a great way to kill someones selfesteem .

I am not one of the VAIN ones .

What happens if your H told ya ,, HE likes them thick ,,, or baby with some big back ?

would you go and put on an extra 20lbs for HIM ???

YOU said it runs in the family , well didn't you see this early on ?

M is the hole package ,,, if it was a throid condition and he couldn't take most off would you not give him sex ?

As well as him not filling your need of appreance your not filling his of SF .

Stale mate .

Why wouldn't you appraoch it in a healthy sense , hepling him doing it with him .

Wright loss for some is very hard and needs much support in a loving manner I do hope you encourage him in a more positive way .

THE hitting thing hole other issue .

I have never been fat but I have at one point during my marriage put on a bit of a gut and love handles. I would go on a little diet kick for about 3 weeks and take it off. We men are ego fanatics it doesnt take much to LB us about or physique. A simple "baby your getting kinda chubby" can make us see our wifes have a concern.
My wife is completely satisfied with my physical appearance but I work out often, and I have stuck with high pro low carb diet for a while.
It pleases me when my wife looks at me and says " I love your body" even friends will say "your cut up" To me its all about your own self satisfaction. My wife gave birth to 2 children and like most women I have met feels she is fat when she has a great body. Nothing like introducing your wife to a new friend and the next day your friend says you have a beautiful wife.
Now since my wifes affair I felt like I was un attractive to her. Not until I seen OM did I feel more confident. None the less, I exploited my inferiority of the OM and worked out even harder much more attention to dieting. Depression slapped off 20 lbs from simply not eating. What a blessing in disguise it is now.
I love my wifes body because she has a great body. If she suddenly started gaining weight to the point it was affecting my attraction to her I would definately speak up,, start working out together, motivate her to keep me attracted to her. When we both married we allways complimented each others appearance,, as you go on in marriage you still have to either let your spouse know they are attractive or find a sensitive way to get your spouse to take a look at themselves.

Just My thoughts.

Well, Mitsy, I can sympathize with both you and your husband. Both H and I have a tendency to put on weight, me more than him. We both dieted and exercised and got thin before we got married, and looked good. After two kids, I kept on the baby weight, and much more. I now weigh 60 pounds more than before M. BUT, he has also gained about 30.

After D-day, we talked about this a lot. There are physical/medical factors that are part of weight gain (in my case, thyroid), but more important, I think, are the psychological factors. I eat for comfort and when bored. When my H rejects me, I eat for comfort, even though it creates a larger (pun intended) problem. This is a vicious circle. We finally discovered that it's my enthusiasm for SF that's more important than my size. He can be very attracted to me, as long as I'm not wallowing in my low self-esteem.

However, to be honest, I have to say that I don't find his extra weight very attractive. He's also made other changes that I don't like. I know he needs encouragement and time set aside to exercise, so I try to encourage him that way as much as I can.

As far as the weight issue, I'd recommend counseling, first for both, and then for him. This may seem like the slow way, but we all know that making permanent changes is slow.

And, as far as the hitting issue, I hope that you will be honest with yourself about the level of control and violence in your marriage. No one needs to live with this.