I've been having dreams almost every night this week about spending time with my H, but him treating me like an inconvenience, rather than the woman he loves. We have been divorced for a couple of months now, and I haven't seen him since February, but I still feel lonely for the old him from time to time (like this week).

As a result of all of these dreams, I think something I've realized about why I could tell that things with my exH and I never would've really worked again is that since the affair, he looked at me with contempt and disgust, or at the very least like I was someone he really had to struggle to be around. He no longer looked at me with love in his eyes, he no longer ADORED me.

I want to find someone who will look at me with love in their eyes and adore me. I had it once.....

Is this a realistic goal?

Do you adore your spouse? Do they adore you? Even after the affair?

Jen

Jen:

I think it's a realistic goal.

"Do you adore your spouse? Do they adore you?"

Yes, and no.

-ol' 2long

I absolutely adore my husband - that's exactly the word I use to describe how I feel about him. I think he's handsome and cute and cuddly and naughty and silly and funny and responsible and intelligent and goofy - and I love that he puts up with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Does he adore me? Well - I can't say he's one for such gooshy, out in the open, obvious adoration - but I know he loves me very very much. I've seen things in his eyes in the last year that I don't remember ever seeing before. Pride, amusement at my comedic outbursts, security, trust.

Yea - I think adoration is a good goal to shoot for Jen.

Being adored is like nirvana. It's like a mini-vacation where all is good and there are no mean things.

When I think of what adoration means to me ... I remember sitting on my grandmother's lap ... and she'd rock me. And I'd lay my head on her enormous violet-scented busom and we'd talk and laugh ... she'd stroke my head .... and I felt ADORED! We would do this occasionally up into my adulthood!

So .... in my marriage, we do adore each other ... not every second of every day .... but we both can request the following:

"I need some attention. Please adore me for a little while."

And we will stop what we are doing and adore accordingly. It is a precicous thing.

I am not sure all adults are capable of this. There is a certain "letting go of one's self" that occurs in that moment of adoration. A return to innocent childhood. A loss of control. It may be too scary for some.

This may not be what you were asking ... but I was so moved by my memory of grandma when I was writing this.... she lived into her 90's and drank a martini every day! Just one tho! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to find someone who will look at me with love in their eyes and adore me. I had it once.....

Is this a realistic goal?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen, no, you are asking for trouble if you "go looking" for someone to meet your emotional needs. Look instead for a godly man who is walking with Christ, "and all these things shall be added unto you."

Remember the lessons you have learned.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you adore your spouse? Do they adore you? Even after the affair? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I "adore" my wife. Yes, after 2 years of recovery she "adores" me. Why? Because we are both first committed to obedience to God and because we both understand and embrace forgiveness as God would have us to forgive.

God bless and walk in the forgiveness and wisdom of God.

I actually think we are better post affair on many levels. The memory of the affair is still a bitter pill but its a side issue instead of front page every storyline news it was in the begginning. In fact she jokes that from time to time we need to pinch ourselves to make sure its all real. Its funny I had to reply to this thread because she just sent me this email after I emailed her the lyrics to Hoobastank's "The Reason":

I Love you so much! You are my reason for so many things................... Will you pinch me at lunch?

XOXOXOXOXOXO Bunches

Hi Jen,

I long to be adored. I have never felt this from my current husband. It got worse after discovery of affair on New Years Eve. I am BS, He is WS. I can remember other Men watching me undress. Following me with their eyes. I never have caught him doing this except when he wants SF. I really hope it gets better one day.

There is nothing like being adored. Something that was truly lost in my former marriage. My current relationship is full of adoration. We have our little "adoration" times - rubbing the temple, telling each other something special, and just holding each other. It is one of my biggest emotional needs.

When I was growing up, there was no one to "adore" me. Not my parents, not my g/parents. It's not that they didn't 'love' me on some level....but it was very hard to discern. And adoration was pretty much not within their capabilities.

Because of that, I surely didn't know what it "felt like" to be *adored.* I'm sure my H used to adore me, but since I never knew what that felt like, I didn't know he was doing it, and I wasn't capable of doing it to/for him.

Sad. Consequently, H found someone else to "adore." <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But our God is good!! He IS a "God of second chances" (as a good friend of mine continually reminds me), and now I pray every day I will be given a "second chance" to learn how to adore him, and SHOW him that I appreciate his adoration of me!

God Bless,

Two things:

a) I think it's healthy to have "moments" of adoration, but I wouldn't expect it to be a constant thing. Adoration is, I think, one of the facets on this diamond we call Love. Eroticism, Adoration, Desire, Pride, Togetherness, Solitude, etc., are all facets of love. We shouldn't focus on one specific facet, at least not for long. Draw back your focus a little, and view the entire diamond, with all of it's facets. See the beauty in the whole, not the parts.

b) As someone else has stated "Adoration", or anything else, is endangered. If someone offers you their adoration, and you ignore it, or take it for granted, then they will stop offering it. No reaction to your offerings is as bad as negative reaction.

Bob

Thanks everyone for your posts and encouragement.

FH, I'm sorry, but I fully intend to shop for a companion that will meet my emotional needs, especially with all of the MB knowledge I have now, and knowing that having someone who meets your emotional needs that makes things work. If he's a Christian, that will be a bonus at this point in my life. Really, it's pointless to try to persuade me otherwise.

So guess what? Since I've been missing my exH a lot in the past 2 weeks, he suddenly sent me about 6 emails yesterday. Reading them brought me to tears for the first time in a long time. I guess maybe he's missing me too. But gee whiz, he should've thought of that before he refused to make a commitment to me and allowed me to go ahead with the Dv.

Jen

Jen:

I have to post this, then I PROMISE to go back to lurkdom, like I said I would (because I DO need to take a break from all this THINKING!).

DO NOT SHOP!! for a spouse or companion, that is.

don't even do the ForeverHers thing and just shop for a good Christian. DON'T SHOP.

They mean it when they say: "A good marriage isn't finding the right person, it's BEING the right person."

There's tons of wisdom there, Jen. And peace.

best,
-Qfwfq

Hi Jen - My H does adore me at times (yes, post-A), but it made me think how my old self would have loved to have him adore me all the time.

I consider the desire to be "adored" in me a part of the fleshy way of my old self. That need to be adored was one reason I screwed up.

My need to be adored stemmed from my deep need to feel loved and accepted.

I have since found that I am "adored" by God as His chosen child. I have the complete adoration of Christ as my shepherd. I know this is true. He never lets me down.

For awhile after my A, I tried to have all my needs filled by my H. That was not realistic or possible and I found that I was draining my H emotionally - becoming too dependent upon him for my complete happiness.

I know I found a balance because I turned my life over to God. I truly repented to Christ Jesus my Saviour who understands all.

That's what now fills every nook and cranny of my unmet needs - my faith means everything to me.

I just thought you might want to hear from someone who used to be "needy and wanting to be adored".

So I should just have faith in God and be a good person and a nice man will fall from the sky someday??????

It seems to me that I do have to get out there and shop aka look for and try to meet someone or I will end up an old maid.

Jen

Dear Jen,

Regarding having faith and finding a mate...they walk hand in hand.

I once heard a cute story about trusting God to send you the right man.


A faithful woman started a devotion to St. Anthony-the patron saint of lost things. She asked the Blessed Saint's intercession between herself and Christ to help her "find" what she could not otherwise locate on her own...the man who should be her husband. Months passed and the woman prayed but she was becoming despondent. Finally when she was at the end of her rope, losing faith she picked up her statue of St. Anthony out the window...she was done. About five minutes later there was a knock on her door...a kind and handsome man stood there with the disgarded statue in his hand and a growing knot on his head. He had happened to look up at the precise moment the statue came flying out the window. It hit him, but luckily he could surmise from where the statue had been thrown.


They were married eight months later and were married for 58 happy years.


Anyway I think you should definitely be on the look out for a good man but also trust that God foresakes no one.


Best wishes


ayslyne

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: ayslyne ]</small>

My opinion....adoration, like many other things, is wonderful in moderation. It should be part of any long lasting relationship.

As to the "don't shop" thing...I am a Christian, but I won't get into that aspect of it. My advice would be to try and date men without looking ahead. Don't measure them for a tux on the first date. Just relax, don't worry about becoming an old maid, and have some fun. If you meet someone who you want to keep dating, then start applying some of the things you've learned, and thinking about whether the right chemistry is there for a long lasting relationship.

I know a lot of women who are "shopping for a mate"...and men can tell. It has the same effect on them as headlights in a deer's eyes.

Jen,

Don't know if I have posted you before but I am now. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, you are not in any plan with ex. So you don't have to worry about that anymore.

But what i have heard in your posts, for a long time, is that you want to be a mom. You long for this. hugs to you. I understand.

So why beat around the bush with ex? He is sending these emails, blah,blah,blah.

You need to get real with ex. What do you have to lose? You tried for what, 2 years? Come on. I am a BS, and you have done a great job as a FWS trying to get things right.

You messed up.

However, you have been such a good FWS that no one, not one FWS can compare to your efforts to be right.

So what do you have to lose? Don't let ex beat you over the head.

Tell him how you feel. That you have repented and been faithful since WHENEVER????

Tell him you want what you had before his EA's with ow's. Which in turn you were unfaithful. When is ex going to understand that you were BOTH wrong?

I know you still love him. Tell him you what you want. He hurt you badly. You hurt him badly in return. It takes two to tango, honey.

He set you up, big time. This was to make him feel better for having his little EA's on the side. Maybe he did not go as far as you did, but hello.

Everyone can flame me here for this, but you have been so good, and you have tried so hard.

I know that you want children, that is huge for you. Tell ex this is what you want. No more games. this is all about you. I hear you. I know what you want. Let ex know. That you want the whole enchilada.

See what his response is.

If it is negative, so be it. God knows what you want and He will honor that. In His time. Not yours. God will honor you. You have repented big time.

In the mean time, don't beat around the bush. It is okay to respond to ex and let him know what you want. If he cannot honor you and put you where you needed to be in the first place, this is his problem. Don't buy into it.

You were wrong. However, your ex was wrong to put other women before you. It goes both ways. You made a mistake, and I don't post to FWS, but you have been a wonderful example of remorse and change.

Stop beating yourself up. Lay it on the table with ex. He needs to get off the pot, so to speak. Go for it and go on from there. God will honor your repentance and bless you.

I really believe God will bless you. Just lay it out, let the cards fall where they may, and if ex doesn't make the changes, move on. We have a God of fogiveness, He has seen your repentence. God will bless you.

You need reconciliation or CLOSURE.

Praying for you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. My FWS does adore me, in spite of my problems after the A. My problems have been drinking during the last 2 years. Not with FWS, but the fall out with children, and not being able to talk to FWS about the effects that A had on me, ie: sharing with op the most personal things I loved. I don't believe you did that. God Bless you Jen. Trust in God and I believe you will be blessed. Have faith!!!!

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FH, I'm sorry, but I fully intend to shop for a companion that will meet my emotional needs, especially with all of the MB knowledge I have now, and knowing that having someone who meets your emotional needs that makes things work. If he's a Christian, that will be a bonus at this point in my life. Really, it's pointless to try to persuade me otherwise. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen, while I understand your frustrations, your "ticking biological clock," the desire to have your emotional needs met, I am hearing a whole lot of your "Taker" talking.

So let me simply ask a question that only you can answer. Who will you, sister in Christ, choose to serve today?

Jen, you are living the results of going against God's commands, as is your ex-husband. Have you learned anything or are you committed to keeping yourself and your "needs" as "lord" of your life?
Are you choosing to follow the same path that led you here, or are you finally ready to simply put your trust in God daily and to commit your future to His faithful care?

No one said it was easy, in fact the opposite is often the case for Christians. But good or bad, quickly or slowly, married or single, we are here to honor and glorify God, not ourselves. When the focus is on bringing honor and glory to God you can be sure that God will not hand you a "brick" in return. A loving Father will provide the best for His children.

No, I am not treating all that you have been through lightly. The past cannot be changed. Forgiven, yes. Changed, no. But you can change today, and you can have a great and loving future provided that you do it with Christ as your sovereign Lord.

God bless and shower you with His comfort and peace and wisdom.

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Miss M, no disrespect intended - but I'm curious as to whether you have followed Jen's saga? If you're just joining her now I can see where it might seem as if things could possibly just be repaired by a little good communication. I don't think, however, given her Ex's past demonstrations, that that's likely. He's incredibly controlling, has had several EA and atleast one PA, and has NEVER really given much of himself to the marriage. While it's true in many situations that people can 'grow up' and learn new ways to work together - Jen's ex has decided to remain stuck and tried his best to keep Jen stuck as well. I would have described his behavior as abusive and stalking and probably called the cops on him to get him to leave me alone - but Jen tried a much more patient and loving approach - and his shell didn't crack an ounce. The man has serious issues - none of which Jen can solve for him. I don't think that getting back in to that relationship, the way it was, would be a healthy decision in the least - and heaven help them if there were a child involved.

h4f,

Yes, I have followed Jen's posts for a long time, and am fully aware if the situation.

I have to concede to you.

I was not looking at things as objectively as I should have.

Things have not changed regarding Jen's ex's attitude. That speaks for itself.

I just felt badly for Jen and observed how hard she did try. I really respect that.

Jen, you have come a long way, learned a lot, and I feel God will bless you in the future, in His way, in His time. As I said, have faith. You deserve to be adored, and I pray you will be in the future!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>