I have to first of all thank you all for being there for me. I have been reading up on the plans and i have decided to start plan A, my poblem with that however is how can i be the best spouse i can be when i know that he is still see her? When he is at home with us he is a wonderful husband but when it is time to go to her he literally turns into a beast. How do i deal with that? How do i not be angry when i know in my heart that he is leavung to go be with her? Someone tell me how to deal with that one. Now i have been on the home page reading Dr. Harley's basic concepts and i really believe that if we impilment them that we have a chance. As a matter of fact i think that he actually did stop seeing her for awhile beacuse i am recognising all the withdrawal symptoms. There were times when he ignored me completly and i am now beginning to think that at those times he had ended it, but with my island being so samall, the OW only lives about 5 -10 minutes away from us how is he going to give her up when he does business in the same area that she lives. I really need some one to help me out here with these questions.

Sindy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When he is at home with us he is a wonderful husband but when it is time to go to her he literally turns into a beast. How do i deal with that? How do i not be angry when i know in my heart that he is leavung to go be with her? Someone tell me how to deal with that one.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When he is being the wonderful husband you make sure to notice all the good things and thank him for them. Don't gush or go overboard, but tell him thank you for taking out the trash. Tell him you appreciate the way he helps the kids with their homework.

Try to stick to specific behaviors and avoid generalizations like "you are such a good dad". For one thing, it doesn't reinforce a specific, repeatable behavior. For another, it will make him feel guilty and that guilt is likely to turn to anger and defensiveness.

When he gets ugly, tell him so in a calm manner. "It hurts my feelings when you cuss at me" or whatever. Don't yell or get angry, just tell him honestly how you feel. Again, stick to specifics.

Don't worry about NC right now. For one thing, that is in the future, and it's something you and your H will work out together. For another thing, he has to decide on NC for himself, you can't make him want to do it.

Plan A can be really hard on you, since yes, he will still be seeing the OW. It will sometimes feel like you are allowing the A under your nose. I'm struggling with the same thing. But you have to remember, you cannot make up his mind for him, he must make the decision on his own. Plan A will help him to see that there is a good M to come back to when he is ready.

Plan A will require the strength of Hercules, but you can do it. Keep reading and posting and you will get some really great support on this board. I'm sure some veterans will be along soon to give you their advice on Plan A. Good luck Sindy.

thanks guys for your help but Turtlehead i am new to this so can you tell me what NC means. And yes Whatamidoing that is what i am afraid of, that ii will seem like i am allowing thw A and i don't want to do that.

thanks guys. Tutlehead i am new to this so can you tell me what NC means. And Whatamidoing that is exactly what i am afraid of, that it will seem like i am allowing the A and i don't want to do that.

People often refer to Plan A as "being the best spouse you can be"...and of course, perfecting (or bettering) your own marital behavior IS part of it...but it only part. Plan A is really all about negotiating the end of the affair.

Here's an excellent rehash of Plan A by Cerri (who is a MB trained coach) that might be helpful to you:


quote:
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Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. Certainly no need to be afraid to trigger guilt!! Good god!! They should feel guilty!!!

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Good luck!

Kathi

Sindy,

Sorry, NC is no contact.

Regarding feeling like you're "allowing" the A to continue right under your nose, well, it's not a matter of allowing it or forbidding the A. You can NOT control what someone else does, so it's not within your power to allow the A.

What you *can* do is calmly tell your S how much their behavior is hurting you. This way your S can't say to himself "Well she must not mind because she still treats me so great, and doesn't seem to be bothered by what I'm doing."

Plan A is exceeding hard to do. But if you want your marriage back, it is necessary. I did not find this site until after I threw my WH out. And he is still with the OW.

So give it a good try, and come here to vent.

Dear Sindy

This is the strangest thing. I have not posted on MB for almost 1 year now. I was never particularly good at opening up to strangers (esp. on a website), something I regret. Your story really struck a chord with me and I felt the need to share my thoughts with you.

Firstly, some pratical advice. It is much easier for others to read and understand your posts if you break them up into paragraphs.

You don't mention whether or not you have children.

As far as "Plan A" goes... please read and re-read Kam6318's post over and over and over and then once more .... until you understand what Plan A is all about.

My marriage is fortunately back on track and we are almost a year into recovery. I never had the benefit of MB in the early days. I only found MB 6 months after DDay.

To my own credit, I did do a lot of things relating to Plan A instinctively, but I also missed out on so many opportunities that could have ended my pain so much earlier.

eg: E-X-P-O-S-U-R-E!!!

Tell every person who will help you in the ending of this affair. Tell them that you want to save your marriage, and you would appreciate their support.

My understanding is that exposure does not mean every person you know, or every one you meet on the street... just those people who you think can help to end the affair.

Another thing - support. I was so alone throughout, and once I told some important people in my life what was going on (which took me a long time... don't want to burden, etc, etc...), that I love my H and that I want to save my marriage, it lifted a huge rock from my shoulders. I suddenly found a whole bunch of people were in my corner - respected me for fighting to save my marriage. Do you have people that suport you in your choice to fight for your marriage?

For a while I was concerned that people would think I was weak for staying with a man that would betray me. I was selective about who I told, but all that I did were supportive, saw me as a "strong woman."

Sindy, you really need to do a good Plan A from now.

Take care of you
Jo

Oooooppppps!!

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Jackie O ]</small>

PS:

I seem to remember Star*fish directing you here.

I HOLD "STAR*FISH" PERSONALLY RESPONSABLE FOR HELPING ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE!!!!!!!

Take care of you
Jo

Thank you Jackie O for your advice and support. Like I said in another posting we have Three childred between the two of us, we both had one child each before we met and we now have a 7 month old baby boy.

Star*fish did start my thread and i love her for that. I am doing all my preparations to start implementing Plan A.

As a matter of fact i have to meet with my H tonight to start negotiations and trust me i am so scared.

He is the kind of person who believes that he is doing nothing wrong so i really am not expecting anything much to come out of tonight.

One thing i do know is that i am not just going to let the OW take him away from us. I have decided that i am going to fight fight fight to save it. And i am so thankful that i have MB to help me out.

Before, it all seemed so hopeless but after talking to star*fish and reading all the info. on the home page, and being in the forum i now believe that we have a chance of being a family again.

Sindy

Hi Sindy!!!

I'm so glad you got a thread started. Sorry about yesterday....when you called I was going through an awful storm and couldn't hear you at all!!!

One thing that I think is important and will help other's understand your situation is well....is the fact that you are posting from St. Lucia. I lived in the Carribean Sindy...and correct me if I'm wrong...but part of the reason that your H may not feel as though he is doing anything wrong is that from what I noticed...infidelity is pretty rampant with those handsome islanders!!! I remember in Trinidad...seemed like everyone had a "deputy" (that's what the OW were called there).

So to some degree...you have to not only fight for your marriage...but fight the culture a bit as well. That won't be easy, and it also makes me think that it's important that you remember ALL the parts of Plan A.

So answer some questions....who is the OW? Is she married? Does she come from a good family? Religious? How would they feel about their daughter's involvement? Do you have a supportive family?

Sindy,
Given my moniker, I might not be the person
you want to hear from- but I think I have
something valuable to share.
When my MM left his W (he moved in with his
elderly father)- she informed him that she would
not go to step-childs college graduation if he
did not move back home. After many weeks of
heming and hawing- he did move back. Although
not the ideal way to get your spouse to return
home- it would have been a perfect time for
her to plan A. If she had given him time to
grieve his relationship with me and did even
a middle of the road Plan A, I honestly believe
he would have stayed. What ended up happening
is that she LB all over the place, making
demands, telling him how things were going to be,
etc.. Obviously Plan A goes counter to every
natual reaction a BS has- that's one of the
reasons it's so hard. But he ended up leaving
and moving back in with his dad the weekend they
got back from the graduation.
I hope you don't mind me sharing that- it's
just that I believe Plan A has real validity.

star*fish the older woman is a much older woman than we are my H is 2 years older than i am and she is 12 years older than he is. She has no family here except for her 12year old daughter. Her daughters dad is dead now but as i understand he left her for cheating on him.

My MIL goes to the same church as she does and she does not hold any high opinion of her, as a matter of fact my MIL is trying her utmost best to eradicate her from our lives, but that is a bit difficult for her to do as she does not want to allienate her son, but she is there for me i must say.