I just found out my wife(13 years of marriage, 2 wonderful young children) is having an 'affair'. It seems to be an emotional affair according to what she has admitted and what beginning information I have read on the net so far. She has been acting strange, distant, more interested in physical appearance etc, and detached which is unusual. This made me suspicious(duh)that something was not right. I checked her cell phone records(which she keeps and pays at work online along with other bills) and found as many as 8-10 calls per day to her 'friend' which began with one in mid May and has escalated to multiple times per day for as long as 42 min.

I confronted her and she says she just likes to talk with him and has had lunch with him once a week for the last few weeks. Of course it seems likely that she wouldn't tell me the truth about what is really going on anyway. I don't understand what one could say to a lover(emotional or otherwise) that many times a day.(Maybe that is the problem!) It seems like it started with the first contact and has spiraled out of control. I don't see how she finds time to contact him so much.

She has been very loving to me and supportive throughout our marriage-a great wife and mother. I am looking at my role in this-blame yourself first right? Of course I love her very much.

She has agreed to break off the 'affair'. I am more than willing to give her more attention and satisfy her emotional/conversational or other needs if that is what started this whole mess. I can certainly deal with and work to resolve an emotional affair much more easily than a sexual one. Maybe I am just kidding myself and want to believe that it is JUST 'emotional' which of course is very serious in and of itself.

A question especially for women-is it possible that my wife could be engaging in an emotional affair only-which undoubtedly WOULD escalate into a sexual affair in time? And if any of you have ever done this do you know what was/is your motivation and can it be fixed? We have agreed to work through this as she says she loves me very much also. But I am sure once a trust is broken it is more difficult to regain that trust to the same degree. I don't think or suspect that she has done this before.

Thanks for reading through this and any insight you can offer. Tntntentn

Hi T,

Welcome to MB. Many of your questions c/b answered by:

1. Reading the concepts section above
2. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr W. Harley.

I recommend you get a good MC one familar with MB concepts for the both of you. You start if she isn't ready. You also have the great option of doing phone counseling with Jennifer or Stever here @ MB. Also take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. It is located in the concetps section above.

Start reading. The road to recovery is often longer than the A and yes, your W could easily have a PA (physical affair) at any time. The EA (emotional affair) goes deept and lasts longer. Both are hard for the BS to handle. You need to be equipped and supported properly.

Take the steps recommended above. It will be worth the time and $$ for you and your M.

take care,
L.

T - Welcome.
I'm a FWW. I'm in recovery with my H, and doing very well.

You should read all the concepts and everything you can to understand your W A.

You need to understand she can tell you she is finished, but it is easier said than done. The addiction of the A, clouds all good judgement. It is very hard to break free.

I wasn't even aware of my EA until the PA started. I never would have thought I was having an EA.

When you are only getting Love Bank deposits from OP, for women, at least for me, getting that fulfilled emotionally the desire to be physical is extremely strong.

I would say if your W is talking to OM 10 times a day, she is getting lots of EF from him. I was talking to OM constantly, it is an addiction, you can never have enough.

If they are "just" having lunch, they are much stronger than I.

I hope for your sake it is just E. I would maybe search a bit more to find out all you can.

Best of luck to you,
KY

T,

My wife's A started out as an EA. She tried to end it and come home. I did not understand the depth and the allure of her addiction to this person. It hurt me knowing she was thinking about him, and I made no secret of this. Now she is planning to D me, he is planning to D his pregnant W, and the two of them are planning a life together. There's no question they are having sex. Until this began my W was loyal and moral and could not stand the idea of hurting me.

The point is, your M is in big, big trouble. Read, study, take your own personal inventory, post here frequently, see an IC and an MC - do everything you can do and can afford to do. Don't underestimate the task before you, and don't expect your W to do the heavy lifting for a while. You'll have to patiently hold up both your end and hers for a while if you want to save your M. Probably for longer than you want to or expect to.

GC

I just made my FWW read your post because it sounds so much like the start of her A. She also admitted only EA and said that she would break it off. That was last November and I didn't even know what and EA was. I just thought it was a "friendship" that had gotten a little to involved. In February OM called to inform me of a PA, in great detail I might add, and out of desperation I found this site and came to understand how destructive an EA was.

My story is a long one and I can tell you that as of about 10 days ago things are going very well with us and I think we will make it but it took WW getting beat up by OM to bring her to her senses. That is an extreme case but trust me an A emotional or otherwise will lead to bad things. However, you have come to the right place. MB has gotten W and I this far and I believe will help us not only stay married but have a stronger marriage when all is said and done. I encourage you to read read read on the main portion of this site. We in here can give you some input but they are the experts and their concepts are truly marriage savers.

Best of luck to you and always remember; IT'S A GREAT TO BE ALIVE!!!!

Thanks for you responses so far. I will say I feel worse after reading them and realizing it is not so simple as my wife saying she will stop.

This is such a huge site. Where can I find a list of initials that you are all using to refer to the participants? As I have more time I will read more of the basic advice.

Thanks again. Tntntentn

Hello-

My W of 19 years did the same thing in late 03. I was oblivious as she started to focus on appearance, wear thongs, tan, etc. until I started to feel something was adrift. She told me a lie about who she was talking to on her cell one day (she did not know I was there- complete coincidence) and then I checked the phone records- 3 to 5 calls a day for 5 months- from day 1. Like you, I could not understand what she could be talking about.

We have been to MC and I found this site in January. I am convinced it was emotional, but in time, and I believe in short time, it may have gone physical. My W insists that they were just friends, and talked about nothing, but it "felt good". She has said, however, that he talked about his own marital problems. This sucked her in.

She has done very well with no contact and is working hard in our marriage. So am I. Conversation is now a big deal in our home and I can tell she appreciates the effort.

Go to MC right away. It is hard at first, but gets better with time. Be sure she cuts off contact and determine for your own peace of mind that it was not physical.

I do not post that much and try to post when the future looks brightest. Some people on this site have marriages that are falling apart and I cannot imagine the pain- kids, family, friends, a life together, gone... wow! I would do anything (within reason) not to have to endure that pain, but feel privileged to have been able to hear the stories and learn from them. Everyone roots for success here.

Your W needs to honestly stop contact and rebuild with you. It is working for us. I hope it does for you and your W.

Regards,

Tntntentn, I’m a FWW who was involved in an inappropriate e-mail friendship at work, which became beginning of EA during 3rd year. Although the EA was stopped before it developed to something serious, it was extremely difficult for me to recover from this emotional involvement and attachment towards the former OM. Especially the withdrawal part was very hard and I’ve struggled with lingering feelings for many, many months (more than a year) after contact was stopped. After the friendship became inappropriate, I also started to become physically attracted towards OM and developed strong romantic thoughts & feelings towards him.

I know I have developed these physical feelings because of the strong emotional attachment in the first place, so this is why a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex is very dangerous. Feelings can unwittingly cross the boundary from platonic love into romantic love SO easily… That is why your W needs to stop this “friendship” with the OM. Although neither of me and the OM acted on any of our feelings physically or verbally towards each other, I can’t tell for sure it wouldn’t developed to something physical eventually if the EA wasn’t stopped... The reason I’m saying this is because romantic feelings (which often developed from close opposite sex friendships like this), can become extremely strong and extremely difficult to resist acting on... It’s for this exact reason why so many WSs temporally losing their ‘minds’; become so ‘foggy’ in their thinking and then starts to rationalize their actions. If your W have already developed strong feelings for him, she is on very dangerous grounds and playing with fire…especially if she spending so much time in his company on talk to him so much every day…

You must know if your W stops contact with him, she will definitely go through a withdrawal period because this ‘addiction’ is like a drug, especially if she’s emotionally attached to him the way I was towards OM. Withdrawal depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; “sensitivity” level of the WS etc. It’s not the same for each person and every situation is different. If the WS have unresolved childhood issues and other unresolved issues regarding him/herself (it was the case with me), it can have a huge influence recovery and must be addressed first through IC and/or MC. A situation where the WS was friends with the OM before it developed to an A, can make it more difficult to recover comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning and have not yet learn to care for the OP (the way you would care for a dear friend). During withdrawal I was not in withdrawal about the EA itself because I know the EA was wrong and I felt very guilty and remorseful about it. However, the thing I missed terribly, was the friendship I had with OM before it developed to EA.

Currently things are going very well for me and hubby. There is still some things we struggling with, but recovery is good and I can honestly say I don't miss OM's friendship anymore. I just want you to realize the fact that this happened to your W, doesn’t make her a bad person at all. A’s and inappropriate involvements can happen to anyone and even good, religious people with high morals and conscience can became involved in one if not cautious and careful… The fact that this happened to your W doesn’t necessarily mean that she doesn’t love you with all of her heart. What I have also learned from my own involvement with OM is that As can also happen because of other reasons than problems or issues within marriage. Everyone brings personal issues/baggage into their M and everyone must be aware of their own personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Remember, it IS possible for both you and your W to overcome this and have a much stronger M than before. There’re so many success stories on these boards and so many good people who will help and guide you through this process.

Good luck and blessings, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 05:18 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

My H went out to lunch with OW for more than a year before the A became sexual. It's a matter of time only.

I expressed concern, and he said he could handle it. He told me of the proposition. He was angry that I would consider calling OW's H.

Well, I finally did, 8 months after the A became sexual.

I know it is hard to do, but I would recommend exposure to as many people as would not consider it gossip, and that means her family and OM's W. This is very dangerous once it gets to a certain point.

If it is just an EA at this point, it would be easier to recover from. We are in the MB program. That might be something for you to consider as well.

Thanks to all who have replied. Especially to you Suzet for your thoughtful reply that took time to post. All of this has been very helpful.

I am hoping that my wife didn't have 'it' too badly. We seem to be working through this EA better than can be expected at this point. I realize it is extremely early in the course of events but we are communicating with each other and doing well. Hopefully the addictive draw of the OM is something she can resist.

I feel much better-instead of a masonry block in my stomach I now only have a brick. I am trying to prepare myself to weather setbacks.

Love to you all and hopefully we can all salvage and save our relationships with the ones we love. I will post updates as needed-hopefully cheerful ones. Tntntentn

TNT,
Right now your wife (W) is scared. She's been caught in an affair. She's been caught in the ultimate lie. She thinks you're going to leave her. Reassure her that you have no intention of doing so.

It is quite possible that the affair (A) remained non-physical. When I caught my W in her lies that's what she calimed that it was just a friendship that went way out of control and got emotional.

Most married women's affairs start as a friendship then move to an emotional bond or emotional affair (EA). After the emotional bond is there the wayward wife (WW) can then rationalize a physical affair (PA)

In simple terms that's what's happened to just about every WW and former (FWW) here on the board. There are the exceptions of women who do have ONS like men do.

Timing plays a part in whether it turned to a PA. It usually takes 3-6 months of relationship be4 it goes P.

Is OM a co-worker? MOre oppurtunity with co-workers.

Anyway...I'm glad you're here. This is the place to post, to vent, to scream, to do whatever you need so that when you go back to talk with your W you can be calm.

You have a long road ahead of you. As we say it's a "rollercoaster."

Good luck, man

cwmac

As others have said, it is quite possible that this EA has been caught early enough that you will be able to recover successfully with a bit of work. I hope so, and I wish you all the best. You seem to be doing well so far.

You need to look beyond the EA as this is an indicator of issues in your marriage that need to be solved and aspects of your relationship that need to be strengthened. You need to find out which emotional needs that the OM were filling that led her to become attached to him.

It is unfortunate that your W resorted to another man as a result of these things rather than talking to you, but you can both agree to communicate better in the future to avoid this happenening again. Read about the policy of radical honesty and do the emotional needs questionnaire.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending lots of love.

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 04:34 AM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

TNT,

How are you and the W doing?

cwmac

Cwmac-Thanks for asking. Everything seems to be going extremely well. I am almost afraid to be happy. We are talking and loving. OM is/was a casual acquaintance building contractor that lives and works in same small town where my wife does. Inadvertent contact at least in passing traffic will happen. He is not in her workplace. And she knows his wife and has a casual friendship with her as well.

Today is D+7 and I hope she is not having severe withdrawal pains.

KS2001-Yeah I know I have enabled this EA by my 'benign neglect'(what an oxymoron). I haven't been fulfilling her emotional needs because of my stupidity but she was 'always on my mind' as the old Willy Nelson song goes.

I am sure the OM won't go away for awhile- even or especially for me. He is an alien in our relationship and will be there like a cancer. Tntntentn