I've tried so hard to keep it together and keep up the ruse...see my story in the thread "How do I survive the A? He's overseas" on Just Found Out

I can't keep it up. I'm losing it. The fake me is breaking down. I want to email him right now and tell him I know everything and it's over. I already made an appt with a lawyer for next Tuesday. I see my pastor for C next Monday. My love bank is in a negative balance and there's no way he can add to it from Iraq. Every contact he has with her (I see it through the spyware) subtracts millions. I'm bankrupt. This morning I found out he's setting up a seperate email address. I think he's on to me, or at least he's spooked.

I can't do this for 8 more months. I've been doing this since March 4. Even after his 16 day visit home 2 weeks ago, he continues this with her. I'm losing it. Thank God my boss is not here and it's just me in the office today.

PLEASE SOMEONE READ MY THREAD AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M SITTING HERE JUST CRYING AND CRYING. HELP ME

S&S

S&S,

Breathe, take some deep cleansing breathes. Sounds like you are having anxiety attacks which is quite common for BS'.

What have you read from here? Your timeline shows this is all still quite new and very hurtful.

Please read the concepts section above and get Surving an Affair along with Love must be Tough from your library. Surviving an Affair is by Dr W. Harley but the other book is by Dr James Dobson. Read both.

Learn that while you can show him your good side and work on your personal improvements, you will learn how to handle his idiotic and rude behavior.

You can do this. We will help.

What you need to see is how cutting communication will hurt you more than him. Work on securing your financial info. Work on you and your family. Create your support group right around you and here @ MB. Get with a good MC or if you can contact MB for phone counseling sessions with Steve or Jennifer.

The breathing exercises really work. I was told to do that when I 1st came here over 3 years ago. You will survive.

take care,
L.

Hello again. Okay, I caught up on your story. You have done a great job so far in dealing with this.

I would talk to your pastor again, and soon. This whole thing is getting too hard for you to bear. But your husband does seem like a sex addict, which really has nothing to do with sex. I just saw a TV special on it 2 nights ago. It comes from not having affection as a child. So the person turns to the one thing they can count on, which is sex. And the whole thing is about the planning, fantasizing, etc. It is really interesting, but I know that does not help you.

I think you need to confront him. It's too bad he is in Iraq, but for your peace of mind, you need to let him know that you know. You already have enough proof.

I would also confront the other couple, and let them know all the details of their stupid little game. Tell them that if they contact your husband again, all these details will come out in court, and their friends and family will be notified.

Your WH will need to get treatment for his addiction. That is a must for you to go on with the marriage.

I hope others will post here and give you some input.

One more thing....... if you need to vent at him, do it here and keep a journal with dates and times. It will help.

L.

Another thing is to get some anti-depressants. They really help.

Orchid is the expert here, so pay more attention to her advice than mine.

SaS -

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. If your H is in the military have you thought of asking him to put in with his change of command to come home to sort out his personal business? Not all units make this possible but my H's unit would do something like this for extreme situations.

I'm sure his chain of command would not want his thoughts preoccupied with things at home.

I would highly suggest that you try to speak to your H about doing this. If he's not interested in this or you may want to contact the Chaplin. This is one of the issues Chaplins deal with. The Chaplin may also be deployed with the unit but the rear detachment person should be able to put you in contact with someone who can help you.

Right now you do not need to be alone keeping all of this inside. You need support.

Have you spoken to your Doctor about meds? This will not make it go away but it will help.

OK- crying jag over. It had to be- the housekeeper showed up (job is in home office). The deep breathing helped. Prayed.

I've been journaling, but not enough.
Read over 10 books, including SAA and Not Just Friends.
I am opening up my own checking account next week. Having statements sent to BF's house.

I have felt like the puppetmaster these 5 months. What has helped me stay in control is BEING in control. I have been able to keep tabs on all the emails, but with his setting up another account, I think it hit me too hard this morning. I am losing my "strings" I had on the 2 of them.

Also found out that WH is getting a raise that is retroactive to May, so the July paycheck will be a huge one. One of my motivations to keep this to myself until he comes home is that I can put away a lot of money for the split. Assuming there's a split. Now I feel like I'm just using him for the money. That is really bothering me.

One thing he kept saying before he left is that he was afraid that he would come home at the end of a year and I will be gone. He also "joked" a lot about me finding someone better than him while he is gone. He used to also "joke" about my cheating on him, which I now understand is a hallmark of HIS having an A- accuse the faithful spouse.

It makes no sense for me to confront with him overseas. What would probably happen is he will cancel his contract to come home to work it out, we will owe his employer about $10,000 in penalties, he will be unemployed, and I am making far less than I used to b/c I changed jobs to go PT since he was making more and I needed to spend more time with the kids. I can't see that as being the best decision. I also see him becoming suicidal once his "sin has found him out."

Keep in mind- the OW is married to a H who lets her swing and swings with her. There is no future for him and her. At the least, he would spend a lot of time with them/her. What he WOULD do is lose his wife and family due to his sex addiction, adultery, and lies.

What is killing me is that he set up another email account. I can only hope and pray that the spyware will clue me into it. What the last emails were all about is her sending him porno-style pictures of herself to this new account. Again, I think he's spooked about our AOL account, because while he was home, he would log onto it from our home computer, and I think he realized that I can do the same thing.

Other than that, since he has left, I just can't find any love for him. He is just a HUGE cause of tremendous pain. I am overwhelmed at the thought of doing this for 8 more months. And then what. I've done GREAT being a single mom with him gone. Honestly, I am so much happier without him. I know this is my bankrupt love tank talking. Could it also be that I realize this is not the kind of man I want to be married to? Has any other woman had a "revelation" brought on by the A? To the point where reconciliation is not an option?

I THANK every one of you who can offer support and insight and advice. I'm so glad tonight is a church night.

Saved and more shattered than ever

Okay, I see your reasoning now. It must be awful for you to have him over there, with all the horrific things that have gone on.

And on top of that, you are dealing with his infidelity. No wonder you are hurting.

I know the feeling of wondering if you really want to reconcile or not. But I will tell you that if you stay with MB, and work on changing yourself, and preparing for the future, you will have peace about the decision you make.

{{{Saved}}}

I don't think its helpful for you to read or see anymore of his stuff. It hurts you. He is playing out a fantasy.

Its very tempting, wanting to know whats going on, but it doesn't do any good. You know enough now, to know what you are up against, and I found being constantly reminded gets in the way of plan A, which is real and effective.

Pray for clear guidance concerning if and when to confront him.

Oh my I can't even imagine letting go of my spying. You really think that will help?

I don't know. Oh my. I've never considered. I get so much power from it. Is that messing me up? I am NOT a stupid woman- and he is such a novice when it comes to computers, that I really have an advantage there. If my future is uncertain, and our marriage is uncertain, and the very words he tells me are lies, what I CAN rely on is the fact that I have a "window to his life" and I'm able to track this A. I do feel like the puppetmaster. By the way- he must not have gotten the new email account set up, b/c she sent the pictures to his AOL account. I was whooping and hollering in joy when I was printing them out! I will add them to the evidence file. 3 hot tub pictures- naked with her big fake boob job boobs.

On the other hand, I WANT OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER. I think I'm addicted to spying. It's like a part time job. That can't be good for me, can it?

So say I stop spying. I plan A. I think I'll feel like I'm in the dark again. Out of control. More than that, I feel like Plan A at this point is throwing pearls before swine. How do all feel about that?

S&S

I want you all to see this and give me your thoughts.....

My email to him this morning after regaining my composure:

Hey babe-

Hope you are feeling better. My goal is to get the FedEx and the snack box off to you Friday. I am still looking for the movies you asked for. Any others you want before I pack it up?

Also, I remember you needing deodorant, but I can't remember the kind. Let me know. Do you want just 1 more neck coolie? You left an pair of underarmour underwear here. Do you want them?

I've been thinking a lot about you and praying for you. I'm worried about you. I know you had some spiritual work on your agenda and that was a big reason for you to go over there. We did not really talk about it while you were home. Is there anything I can pray for you specifically?

And his reply to me- just now---

OK on the movies...cant really think of any more but I will buy local if I need to.

Any stick / jell like old spice....be sure its jell and antipersp / deod and not just deod.

no on the underarmer....they allow my butt sweat to show through....yuck

if i think of anythong else i'll email you but i should be ok for a while...

Prayers- just for safety and wisdom...i hate it hear and am starting to get bored and fall back into old ways...i fight it but damn its tuff...at times i really feel like giving up. I am so tired if this...i hate it...but i keep doing it...i am lost and worthless...after all ive done to stop...it owns me.

i love you and will be fine. i will be locked down after thursday until sometime after the power transition...will call or email soon...I love you honey...I am sorry I am this way. Don't worry about me being faithful...that's not an option for me...its just the porn I am dealing with.


bye

-------------------------------------------------

What in the world am I supposed to do now? Now, once again, he's my loving, though lying-cheating, husband who is baring his soul and admitting he has a sex addiction. Responses like this give me hope that he has just a tiny SHRED of decency left. I just don't know. By the way, he had seen and downloaded the pictures she sent him before he wrote this back to me.

A very confused S&S

When I can spy but I choose not to, I am empowered- like saying,

"This woman is nothing. Not worth my time and energy. "

Let her worry about ME.

And he doesn't know it, but it is a small way of respecting his person, by choosing not to invade his privacy, which I know is important to him.

Also, I choose to take what he says as truth. If he says he loves me, I respond with love. If he does something loving, I accept it and reciprocate.

Very hard to do if its in my face every day.

Sorry, we simuposted.

Sounds like he is being very upfront, and asking for help. For you to not give up on him.He doesn't like what hes doing, and he wants to stop.


Let him know that you love him, that you believe in him. Pray for him to have visions only of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are going to be okay.

Is it OK for me to tell him I love you but not what you are doing?

That was a great email back to you. But it's time to be honest. You have the luxury of email...you can take the time to think out your thoughts...you can also write it in a letter you can include with his care package.

Plan A means fulfilling his top EN's and exposure. It means radical honesty and cutting out LB's.

Time to let him know that you have had a suspicion about porn and emailing with other women for awhile but have found proof and you have been dying there but have wanted to be strong. Tell him you were afraid to tell him because you were afraid he would want to come home then and the family couldn't afford the $10,000 and thought he might be suicidal. Tell him you have been incredibily sad, lonely, and betrayed but that his last email helped you see he is struggling and gave you hope.

It is time to GET REAL...you are taking all this IN and, although afar, time to start a dialogue about this painful presence in his life. He has an addiction and he has admitted to letting it get to him. By you letting it go and not mentioning to him you know, it's as though you condone it.

Send him a love letter with all the love, fear, sadness, loneliness, hatred, etc...you've been feeling. But especially love and hope. You can do nothing about his behavior except let him know that you KNOW...

Just a comment on the spying or “affair research”

It helps to confirm an affair and obtain the necessary evidence to prove to others if necessary. After that, it's just more pain to bear and make a plan A more difficult to accomplish.

I know how the additional spying can give the illusion of control over a situation, but what is gained? It also can become obsessive, as you seem to recognize.

One needs to protect the love they have left; it’s hard enough to do without the constant visible reminders of a spouse’s transgressions.

SaS,

I think giving up the puppet strings and accepting the true limits of your control may be worth considering. It often seems useful to collect DATA, and spying helps you do that, but you must accept that most of this data is of little use to you, and may even be detrimental to your chances of entering recovery because it takes your focus away from yourself.

Think of the Serenity Prayer. Those of us who are controllers (LOTS of people on MB forums I reckon) don't have so much trouble with the "courage" part, but we have one hell of a time with the "serenity" and "wisdom" parts. And gaining the ability to not need to always be in control is I think an important change many of us need to enact within ourselves.

I know it is for me.

GC

To Still Here Making It-

To clarify, his porn addiction has been a part of our lives for many years. It is his achilles heel. We went to MC about 5 times for it, but really did not get anywhere. Bad MC I think.

So, he's not really confessing anything new. If anything, lied (again) about the "I'm being faithful over here" part. He is a master of loopholes- he is IS telling the truth- he's not having sex with anyone in Iraq. We even had a conversation about it when he was home. In a late night bubble bath- the 2 of us- we were talking and I asked how hard it had been on him to do without sex. He said it had gotten better, that it was not a focus of his days like it used to be. I asked if other people were "hooking up" there in the hotel. He said just a few. I asked if he had remained faithful and he said "I have not been unfaithful while I was over there." The whole conversation was not as serious as I am typing it- it was kind of light hearted but with truth, so I said "Ohhhh- so you've been unfaithful while you were in the STATES! Oh I see..." Many a truth is told in jest. I even believe that while he was having his PA with OW, he engaged in "everything but" vaginal sex. Because that is the "official" way to commit adultery. I know the way he thinks.

On the other hand, I cleaned out/organized his workshop while he's been gone and found stash of condoms and a bottle of Astroglide. Hmmm....he had a vasectomy 7 years ago. What's up with that?

OK......I'm seriously considering giving up the hourly visit to his email account. The spyware will keep sending me reports of all his online activity, but I can always save them and not open the files. Ugh. I can't imagine that.

I would like more suggestions on non LBing ways to reply to his email.

Your flaky kook of the day,
S&S

Update from me. Sad sad me.

Looks like the spying on email will stop. He had someone there in Iraq show him how to add a screenname under our AOL account. I tried to get into it, and the password is not our standard. So whether I wanted to stop spying or not, I can't get into this email account.

I brought plenty of my favorite praise and worship CDs to work today. I one playing full blast. Tears still, streaming down my face.

I had a IM session with WH this morning before work. I told him I did not really know how to respond to his email yesterday (see above post). He said he did not expect a reply. I suggested he read the book I sent him months ago about a man who overcame his sex addiction. He said something really curt like- "ohhhhhhhhhh kay.....so much for support from you" I answered that I was only trying to help since he sounded so lost and down in his email. He said "still love me?" I said "I love you but not what you are doing" He said "Ouch....don't build me up too much" I said "love the man hate the sin" and he said "so much for that" so I said "ok- we'll change the subject" which we did.

I wonder if the pain of divorce is worse that what I am going through

S&S

Yes the pain of divorce will be worse than the pain you are going through right now.

Your WH does seem to love you. However it does not seem like he really wants to deal with his problem.

But you can still work on you. I promise you will not always feel so miserable. Things do get better.