Believer,

THANK YOU for your vigilence in posting on this site. Your support and advice are so needed and appreciated.

Here's another email from him to finish up the one from yesterday- I asked him "what does giving up mean?" b/c he said that in his email. Here's what he said:

at times i give up and just surf for porn and get it out of my system...then i come to my senses and ask for forgiveness and start over...its that long term rollercoaster ride of my sinful nature...i do good, i fall, then i do good again. its getting old.

love you hun

-----------------------------------------------
I'm tired of the roller coaster, too. Sick and tired.

Love,
S&S- tired of this...going to my real name

Trina

Trina -

Read Romans 7:14-24. Paul talks about the spirit verses the flesh.

I think if you can calm down and keep communicating with your husband, things can get better. He does however need to get some counseling to face his demons. But I think condemning him will not help.

And at some point you will need to talk to him about what you know.

I hope this is not against posting rules. I copied an IM conversation I just had with him and I really would like to know what you guys think. Honestly, I don't know if anything I said is a LB. I can take it- please read it and tell me if I LB'ed. I really need to know. I trust your opinions.

WHusband:hey babe
Me (7:44:54 PM): hi!
WHusband (7:45:11 PM): wow...i had a bad night
Me (7:45:28 PM): what?
Me (7:45:40 PM): oh- you know I don't have to invite you to see my webcam
Me (7:45:43 PM): you just click it
Me (7:45:56 PM): Val said you were upset I did not invite you the other night
WHusband (7:46:16 PM): click what
Me (7:46:32 PM): see beside my name- it says view my webcam?
Me (7:46:33 PM): click it
WHusband (7:47:15 PM): trina...what do i click to see you
Me (7:47:39 PM): does it say "view my webcam" beside my name on the main messenger buddy list?
WHusband (7:47:48 PM): yes
Me (7:47:54 PM): is it blue?
WHusband (7:48:02 PM): grey but ok
Me (7:48:07 PM): click it
WHusband (7:48:48 PM): no dice babe
Me (7:48:51 PM): ok-
Me (7:49:08 PM): must have something to do with being over there
Me (7:49:15 PM): in the states you just click it
WHusband (7:49:17 PM): ok thanks
Me (7:49:42 PM): what was so bad about your night?
WHusband (7:50:55 PM): well after our talk this morning, i had nightmares that you were leaving me
Me (7:51:31 PM): you always have those nightmares
Me (7:51:57 PM): why are you so insecure
Me (7:52:05 PM): what can I do to make you feel more secure?
WHusband (7:52:51 PM): i guess cause after than conversation i felt like there was a part of you that didn’t like me and if you were so bold as to say the things you did, in my dreams you were bold enough to takes the kids and stay at joys for awhile
WHusband (7:53:03 PM): hey baby
Me (7:53:06 PM): I'm working on our online photo album again. These hi rez images take a long time to load
Me (7:53:18 PM): I think it's good to be radically honest
WHusband (7:53:21 PM): ok
Me (7:53:29 PM): why sugar coat things after 11 yrs of marriage
WHusband (7:53:47 PM): are you pissed at me or something?
WHusband (7:54:08 PM): did i do something wrong
Me (7:54:24 PM): the kids are making pictures for you to go in the box I'm sending
WHusband (7:54:42 PM): great
Me (7:54:48 PM): I guess I didn't see a huge change in you in your visit
Me (7:54:58 PM): I thought you went over there to change
Me (7:55:04 PM): am I mistaken?
Me (7:55:51 PM): you there?
WHusband (7:55:55 PM): i am stunned
Me (7:55:59 PM): what?
Me (7:56:16 PM): you said you wanted to "go to the desert" to find out about God what you can't here in the states
Me (7:56:22 PM): this can't be news to you
Me (7:56:48 PM): I just wanted to discuss it- why are flipping out?
Me (7:57:26 PM): do you feel that I am prying?
Me (7:57:41 PM): I'm sorry if you do
WHusband (7:58:04 PM): #1 - it seems like now ive lost the only support i ever had to come here
Me (7:58:04 PM): I asked what I can pray for you about, and porn addiction is what you answered
Me (7:58:36 PM): how can you say that? I asked HOW I CAN PRAY FOR YOU- that's support
Me (7:58:42 PM): I sent you a book
Me (7:58:55 PM): it's not about the money, you know
Me (7:59:02 PM): not to me
WHusband (7:59:12 PM): 2- when i tell you the truth about the problem and i need a little building up and a ray of sunshine....i get dumped by you instead
Me (7:59:40 PM): I'm sorry you feel that way. That's not how I meant it
Me (8:00:45 PM): when you need support, and sunshine, what is it that I can do to fulfill that need?
Me (8:00:56 PM): since I obviously failed at that this time
WHusband (8:01:24 PM): ....i guess when i need it i'll just have to work it out my self
Me (8:01:58 PM): that's not an answer
WHusband (8:02:50 PM): well...its what i feel...after 12 years of marriage why candy coat anything?
Me (8:03:12 PM): I understand- but if I ask how I can help you, I would think you could answer me
Me (8:03:22 PM): this is hard enough, agree?
WHusband (8:03:58 PM): i guess what i felt was
WHusband (8:05:18 PM): that when ever i needed someone on my side (right or wrong) you were there, even though you didn’t partake in my probs, you seemed to have compassion and made me feel like i could go on with the fight
WHusband (8:05:37 PM): but after that I felt like you too were against me
WHusband (8:05:40 PM): it hurt
WHusband (8:05:44 PM): it still hurts
WHusband (8:05:47 PM): i cried out
Me (8:06:02 PM): because I said I did not like the sin that rules your life?
Me (8:06:10 PM): help me understand
WHusband (8:06:25 PM): for some reassurance and all i got was condemnation shoved in my face
Me (8:06:40 PM): you expected me to reassure that looking at it was OK?
WHusband (8:07:04 PM): no...forget it
Me (8:07:11 PM): I don't understand
Me (8:07:14 PM): help me
WHusband (8:07:39 PM): i know but you used to
Me (8:09:01 PM): understand that you have a sex addiction? Yes, I have and still understand that. I honestly thought part of why you were going over there was to "burn off" the impurity. Was I just totally off base? I'm sorry you did not get what you needed from me when you answered my question
Me (8:09:48 PM): I'm afraid it will totally consume you over there with nothing to do but surf the internet. I don't want you to be consumed. I want you to get rescued from this thorn in your side
Me (8:10:24 PM): that's what I pray for you, in addition for safety, and that you will be an example, and that you will learn lots of stuff to move your career forward, that you will be happy, that you will feel safe
Me (8:12:41 PM): you there?
Me (8:13:56 PM): brb-bathroom
WHusband (8:14:02 PM): ....look i dont want to seem like im picking a fight here but you still dont get it. I did come here for those reasons, but i also came here to get us out of debt...i came here for you so you could feel better about our finances, i came here for other reasons too, i was doing real good about the net for 4 months, i fell once or twice since ive been home and tried to confess it to you. but now it seems like you think i run an orgy parlor here
WHusband (8:14:22 PM): and I’m just this lost cause... hell i know what’s wrong with me!
Me (8:15:32 PM): ok- I got it- I'll drop it
Me (8:16:24 PM): are you coming home for an 8 month visit?

And there was no more discussion in the topic. Waiting in limbo.....

Trina

He sounds really remorseful. I don't think voicing your feelings is an LB. Be sure to give him lots of admiration for sacrificing to get you more financially stable.

Other than supporting him, you cannot fight this battle for him. He must get some counseling.

What I read into that was that he is willing to admit to porn, but to minimize it. That he is changing history...saying that he went to the desert for the money. And hinting at blaming you for not giving enough support.

Time for radical honesty. What is keeping you from telling him that you know about the degree of his porn usage? That you know he's changed accounts? You have given excuses on here...but what is the real reason? That you'll drive him further away?

Time to look at those reasons and confront him...I don't mean blast him, but very matter of factly tell him what you know. Don't listen to the sputtering and excuses...he will deny, minimize, get angry and say you're invading his privacy, tell you it wasn't his fault it was the "..." that caused him to, and then admit it and want to change the subject immediately.

This is SOOOOOOooooo my H. Print this out and mark out his reactions as he goes through them. I think I'm leaving one out though...

Don't allow the conversation to get sidetracked. Let him spew for awhile. He can only keep this cycle going if you feed it to. Don't get emotional. You can simply ask him "What are you going to do?" Or some other pertinent question. And if he doesn't answer it, keep asking it.

You can explain to him that porn usage to you means cheating and in order to have the kind of M you want there can be no porn or other women. Be very clear, and he may need to hear it a few times. Rehearse what you will say. He will try to sidestep the issue.