If this belongs over in recovery, feel free to move it there.

My FWH and I have been in 'recovery' now since March 5th. FWH has done alot of things to help this process finally, like MC, full disclosure, cell phone records monitored, going to doctor for anti-depressants, getting sober, and helping me put our house up for sale.

My question is this. Now that he is willing and doing the things that I want/need for us to recover, why do I feel like this is a joke still? Why do I feel so fricking sad, and resentful that I have to clean my house today for a showing tomorrow am? I shouldn't have to be selling my home cause FWH bopped the OW here for two months... I am sad, and weepy today.

PS- FWH still works with OW, but claims not to ever have contact with her, unless she needs him to sign for something...

Well,

You have the choice NOT to sell the house, to not hold the house or the bed responsible for what your H did.

I guess I don't understand the logic behind being able to forgive him, but having to figurative burn down the dirty house and bed where the sin took place.

I understand you have these feelings. Can you help me understand why you are ok with this apparent logical disconnect?

TB

Yes I do have that choice, and I struggled with it for almost 7 months... Basically I can't stand the fact that she was here in my home, sitting in my chair, petting my dog, using my bathroom, bopping my H, like she lived here... Like maybe replacing me.
The bed is no longer here either. Our MC has said that it would be a fresh start between us, in a home that I feel comfortable in, like it has not been violated...

Yes I do have that choice, and I struggled with it for almost 7 months... Basically I can't stand the fact that she was here in my home, sitting in my chair, petting my dog, using my bathroom, bopping my H, like she lived here... Like maybe replacing me.
The bed is no longer here either. Our MC has said that it would be a fresh start between us, in a home that I feel comfortable in, like it has not been violated...

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: Diz ]</small>

Diz -

As long as you feel the way you do, you are letting OW have power in your life. You need to take back your husband, your role as his wife and your home.

I suggest you think about it.

Believer-

I have been trying very hard to do those very things... I have been in IC and MC, having SF with FWH daily, and we have been getting along really well. We talk more than ever. I just had these feeling today that kind of overcame me, and I was sad and crying... That's why I posed the question.

Stick with us here and you will heal. Your house is just a place, and it has nothing to do with your marriage. You can and will get through this.

It is hard, but many folks here have done it.

Stop letting OW into your marriage. She still has power over you.

Diz...
those overwhelming feelings WILL come out of nowhere for awhile. The feeling will NOT last. In a day or two..you'll come back up...a big change is happening..and it displaces you.

We are very familiar with this in recovery..and we take turns picking each other up...it helps tremendously....but recovery is hard work !!!

Don't try to fight this...don't try to figure it out...the quicker you understand that this WILL happen...REPEATEDLY...but after time continues to pass... it will happen less....and it won't be so severe....

WHILE YOU ARE DOWN.... it's VERY difficult to remind yourself of these truths...that's why we lean heavily on each other on the recovery board. We support each other through the UPS..and the DOWNS..because it's difficult to do alone.

Your FWH isn't really doing anything wrong... and you can't take it out on him...because that would be wrong. But you do need to vent...you do need to work through it..and it will pass.

I'll give a shout out to a few of my recovery buddies...and they'll echo my sentiments...hang tight.

Hi Diz

This is Cgar and I am a recoverer. I am able to predict that you will have so many ups and downs that you may forget which way up and down is! Kinda' like getting tumbled by a wave in the ocean and not knowing which way to go for air. Let me give you a clue--let go of a few air bubbles (as in vent on this board) and follow the way they go!

We have a lot of wonderful people everywhere on this site that will spend an enormous amount of time giving you either a hug or a kick in the pants as the needs arise.

As to the house, bed etc. This is just me, but I would get out of that house so fast I would look that a streak of lightening!!!!!!!! I do not see anything about that that means the OW is winning over you. If you do not want to leave, that is another matter---you should not be forced to do so, but I would think there are a lot of triggers in that house just waiting to be pulled. Why not go to fresh surroundings and deal with the recovery of a M without reminders of the past.

Can you look forward to making the house part of the history that needs to be put away? Does your S want the move or you? Maybe I do not understand but I would not waste my energy on house recovery, but would jettison it and go for marriage recovery in new aurroundings.

You have had a huge amount to deal with. Will the move similfy things for you or burden you? IMHO, the house, etc. are just THINGS AND YOUR RECOVERY IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THINGS. Go with what helps you.

Cgar

Thanks!

Believer- My house isn't just a place to me. It was our home that we worked on very hard together. It is our first house that we bought, and fixed up to our tastes. The fact that FWH could even think about bringing OW over here to our HOME and having a 2 month long affair with her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

BIJ-

I have felt displaced for this long, even before we decided to sell this house and find something else... I will have to start hanging out over in recovery cause I think I am having a really hard time right now. Thank you.

I think it's known as "buyers remorse"

After the initail victory dance..now you own this man/problem/life that you fought so hard for..the flaws and "I shouldn't have to's" will freely flow until you fully invest yourself and accept that this is the choice you have made. If you are unable to tolerate it..then you will have to make a different choice and live with that one instead.

No fun being all boxed in, is it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hate these feeling also. Mine is a little different though. H had his ONS out of the country and left his socks on!!!

I cringe whenever I hear of this country and make H remove his socks when SF is happening.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (this one could be tough in the winter) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Diz, you don't HAVE to do anything. You CHOOSE to do things supportive of your marriage because you are the strong one who made the decision that your M may be worth more to you both than his affair was.

You can chuck it all in any time you want.

But you won't because you have GRIT and you don;t want evil to rule your life.
Just remember that you CAN stop anytime you choose, but you CHOOSE Not to. Thats empowering to me when I feel sad.

* Noodle thats a very insightful post that I can identify with WAY too readily. I moved heaven and earth to stop the affair and win her back from the arms of that nasty undeserving old b@stard.

Now I have her back she has all the flaws that I accommodated to avoid conflict before the A PLUS the added pain of her lies and sex with another man. BUT she also has the lovely stuff.

Its a tough gig. Knowing what I know would I date FWW now if we weren't married ? I really dunno. I have tolerated a lot of bad traits for years because I was married to her and I loved her AND when her lovely traits manifested it was worth it. They hadn't manifested for a couple years though.

Now the 'putting up with stuff because we're married' part means nothing as she threw the vows out the window and I am left with just my inexplicable love for the girl and the practicalities of our parenthood together.

I pray that soon she is able to open up and start to discover what my ENs are and make the same fforts to meet them as I have to meet hers. Its still all one way right now.

"Caveat emptor" indeed ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Diz,

Can you post over on recovery and put the name spider slayer in the subject? Just because I think she had some very similar stuff happen to her and she might be able to shed some big light on your house thing. I didn't have that problem with my home, but even now I can remember him standing in certain places and saying certain things. Or a certain music will play and it will take me back to the time when I was left alone and so on. Call out to her she can help you I think and we can too just by giving you support.

HINY

I'm doing the same thing--giving up our home and property of 14 years because of all of the memories attached to it. A very difficult choice to make but we are going to move out-of-state and begin a new life elsewhere. Even after all of this time, it is difficult when my H goes up to his shop to work on one of his projects. Those were the times that he would call her and talk for hours. I thought that I was being an understanding wife, but I was just being a sucker. She never came to our home, but he would sit on our front porch and call her as soon as I left for work. We didn't do anything--whether it was work or fun--that she didn't know about. There was no privacy and there weren't any secrets...except from me. I love this place and it is all I ever wanted in a home, but it is a small price to pay for our future peace and happiness. We will make new, better memories.