Hello -

I've never posted in this area before, but it's the right place to be now. I recently discovered that my H DID have an affair (no contact letter was sent on Monday).

I found MB last May when my H & I were having serious problems, largely due to my terrible LBing. We started MC and I actively started to work on *me* and I truly believe we were making progress (until I found out about the EA/PA/EA (started as EA - then PA - then EA again). Until about a month ago I had no real idea there was a PA.

I can't begin to describe how I feel, but I imagine I don't have to - I am simply overwhelmed with hurt, shock, anger, and depression, fear.

I have the Harley books (Lovebusters, Surviving and Affair, His Needs Her Needs). I read Lovebusters and His Need Her Needs last year.

My question is this. After and affair is completely over, do WS's become the honest people they were BEFORE the affair?

The Harley's talk about how normally honest people become liars when they have an affair. I NEVER imagined that my H could lie so easily and creatively and I could be so stupid.

My H is very remorseful. He said that he lied at the beginning to hide the affair and then as things progressed and he began to see things differently (I was working very hard to change and he was diagnosed with clinical depression and started anti-D's in January) that he lied because he was afraid I'd find out and leave.

He not only lied to me but to OW.

I know I have to find a way to trust again. He says he has nothing else to hide (OW called last Thursday and I made H put her on speaker phone - this how the whole truth came out).

I don't know how to trust again. He saw OW while working (during the work day) and talked to her on the work cell phone. They do not work together, but he met her through his job.
In other words, I can't really monitor his behavior.

He's given me his passwords so I can check his work and cell voicemail. He has a pager so I can reach him. He is telling me his daily schedule. He is calling me several times a day. He is willing to work on MB principles.

But HOW do I learn to trust him again??

Thanks,
ddc

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: ddc03 ]</small>

An affair almost always includes lying, I don't see them as separate. The lying is a part of the affair, so, it is among the things that have to change when you enter recovery.

It sounds like your H is willing to do the kind of things that will make recovery possible.

As he behaves trustworthily and you don't find any more evidence or suspicion of the affair, you will likely to slowly build trust as his behavior earns it.

Re-building trust is a long process, and one that kind of sits on the back burner for a time, depending on the effort and actions of the WS and the BS's ability to heal.

Dear Lor,

Thanks for your response and encouraging words. I feel quite alone right now.

I believe my greatest fear is that contact will continue even though he has assured me that it won't. We have taken precautions, but nothing is foolproof.

I learned of the PA on 5-15. The real truth came out in pieces (until Thursday's conversation with OW where all the ugliness came out). I think that is probably normal too?

We spent Thursday night and all day Friday (which happens to be our 10 year wedding anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) going over everything. I had a list of questions a mile long, and he answered them all.

We've done LB and EN questionnaires 2x (once last year and the other in May after I learned of the PA - without all the terrible details I found out on Thursday).

At the moment I am working at and praying about eliminating lovebusters again (I've gotten very angry 2-3 times and I know that I've made DJs.

The one thing I think I can be proud of is how I talked to OW. I was very calm when I answered her questions (she thought he was going to leave me, etc.) and at the end she asked me how I could stay with him.... I told her that I loved him and was sorry about her pain, but I needed her to move on, to not contact, to "let it go" so we can move on with repairing our M. She apologized for my pain and said she would leave is alone.

I only hope that she will respect this (especially after the no contact letter). Only time will tell.

ddc