oh and btw, ky, I just had a HUGE bowl of chocolate puddin'.......yummy in my tummy. I love chocolate when I am feeling sad, or mad, or happy, or horny, okay...whenever and wherever I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

I think you need to tell him first, and then after the storm quiets show him your thread.

Oh honey, this is not going to go over well. Prepare your statement the best you can to help him understand where you was at the time.

KY

Let me tell you, if I smoked I would be having a cigarette. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

he know something is going on with me. He is very sensitive to my changing moods and emotions...that is a good thing. A few minutes ago he asked me if I still felt ok with us...and if I was haveing doubts. I know I seem so withdrawn. I need to tell him now. Scared.

He is in the shower.

When he gets out I will tell him. I think kids are all asleep now.

KY...If I smoked I would have one too! What kind would you smoke? I think I would have one of thos long skinny kinds...they look sexy...well as sexy as CANCER can look anyway, ehhh?

Momof3,

I asked those questions for YOU, not me. You see you need to organize your thoughts, your feelings, and how you present this to your H. I may be too late to help as you may have told him, but Momof3, this will hurt both of you.

You apparently have had more than a few A's, and you are just getting out of one now. Your H is probably very raw as he got to witness your latest for about 6 months AFTER he found out.

You say he is NOT the same man he was before. I guess I would beg to differ. He has not changed, what has changed are his perspectives. He was a good and forgiving man before, he probably wanted to do the right things then as well, but did NOT know what to do. Plus he did NOT know what he was dealing with.

I think you should give him more credit for being basically a good man but one that has his world turned upside down. He responded to this by changing his perspective on you and marriage, and he is still there.

If you have not told him I would like to suggest that you seek the advice of a counselor hopefully one you two have used to help design the best way to tell him something for which there is no good way.

In any event, I wish you the best, and bring him along here if you feel it will help. I will NOT try to convince him your decision was good, but I will try to convince him that he should respect your honesty and willingness to tell you something that will in fact hurt you both.

God Bless,

JL

Mom of 3,
How are you??? Are you okay this morning??? I was worried about you all night.

I prayed your confession would fall on understanding ears.

You owe me one night of good sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your friend, KY

Morning Mo3~

I too was thinking about you last night. Couldn't log back in to see if you posted, partly because of tornado warnings, partly because H was back from a BT. I, like you try to spend all possible time I can w/ him. It really does make a difference, doesn't it?

So, what's up? Talk to us as soon as you can. I hope you're ok. Was gonna tell you my advice, but you may have already done the deed, so I'll wait to hear.

~ad

ps. Your post with the answers brought back some old feelings for me. Very similar. They sounded from your heart, I think that's why Ky suggested you show them to your H sometime after the confession.

He said, "I hate it when you are quiet. It scares me."

I said, "I am sorry you are scared. I do have something I need to talk about, but I am not ready."

Him, "Are you thinking about him ?"

Me, "No it has to do with me, nothing about him. I love you and need you right now more than ever. I am just trying to get my jumbled up thoughts in order before I talk to you. I don't want to hurt ou anymore."

Him, after a long silence, "Should we stop being intimate...will that help you?"

He thinks what I need to talk about is more stuff from my childhood sa. And yes I guess it probably can stem from waaaaaaaay back that far.

Anyway, I didn't tell him last night. Everybody Loves Raymond was on and it was a good one! JUST KIDDING! Really, I wanted to tell him I was just not ready yet.

JL, I am glad I answered your questions with honesty. It has given me a new perspective on my marriage/life/situation. I agree. He is not changed, but his perspectives have. Thank you for helping me articulate that better. He has learned a lot about survivinds SA, it amazes me sometimes the compassion, understanding and mercy he shows me.

I cannot concieve another child untill all of this is "fixed" or at least opened up.

Maybe I should see a counselor before I tell him, but I think that is unrealistic. There is a HUGE waiting list at the place I am trying to go to. I am broke.

KY, take a nap today for me will ya? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

AD, you seem so warm and friendly...what is your advice?

Thank you to all!

I get - take a nap today,
AD gets your so warm and friendly.
Man!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have 52 kids, I can't take a nap.

Okay, so in a nutshell, you chickened out!!!!

What a sweet response from him. Do you really think you can keep him waiting?

I suggest you really think about what you are going to say to him. Because once it is out, it is going to be hard for him to hear what else you have to say.

JL, you are so bright, are you sure you aren't female???? I bet you get that alot, huh???
HEE HEE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm still waiting for the sex thread.

Isn't crazy how much childhood can screw you up. I'm sorry for your past torture.

I'm sure like I have learned from it you have as well, and taken the bad out of what you received and applied your life lesson to your own parenting and your children will be better for it.

Life is all in what we make of it.
ky (jelly)

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

KY....naahhh I didn't mean you were cranky by the take a nap thing! I put a smiley after it?!?!? I like your sense of humor, and I think you too are very warm and friendly....don't be jealous of AD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think today is a good day for a long talk. H has the nest 2 days off so we have plenty of time to talk. Just have to find something for the kids to do....to leave us alone.

I have my thoughts in order pretty good now.

I like the idea of printing this...I want to print the whole thread... how? Anyone know how to do that?

KY, again...was just razz'n ya....

xoxo

No worries, nothing funnier to me, than somebody ripping on me. I'm sick and wrong like that.

You can send the kids to my house, Field Trip to Aunt Jelly's.

I'm pathetic how I pulled that compliment out of you. That wasn't my intentions, but I'll take it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can you just copy and then post on word or something to print. I can barely turn my puter on, so I can't really help you. Sorry.

ky

Damn, why did I say that?...now I gotta think of some good advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> j/k...

I liked the advice given by everyone who said you need to tell him now/soon. I especially liked what Ky said about following up the confession w/ your "answers post". However, I hear what JL is saying about seeking counsel first. This is a big deal. Especially since your H is pro-life. Not just that, but you made a huge decision that affects both of you, without him.

My advice is kind of a combination of all of the above. If you can seek counsel, perhaps a call to the Harleys...I think that would be great, and would most likely give you a good plan of action. However, I also believe, sometimes you just need to do, what you need to do, as your heart speaks to you. Strike when the iron's hot, or whatever you want to call it. Listen to what Ky said about clearly thinking about what and how you want to say it though. It's true, anything after the intitial confession will probably be a blur.

When I came here, I hadn't told my H about A and P being an OC yet. Naturally ALL of the advice was to tell him. Most of the advice though was to wait a bit and seek proper counsel first, and also that it would probably be wise to confess in the company of the MC. I read up on this entire site, listened to all of the posts, read SAA, etc. I called the Harley's, but never set up a counseling session. I had similar talks with my H as what transpired last night w/ your H, (minus the om concerns...cuz he didn't know yet, obviously). Anyway, he KNEW something was up. He even said one night, if it's something really bad that you did, I don't think I want to know. It's between you and God, and if you can work it out with him, that's all that matters. I could tell how scared he was though. Finally one night, it just all came out of me, I know longer wanted to hold back. I couldn't hold back. I went against all the best advice, in more ways than one, including the time, place, kids being home, etc. but I just told him. It was so clear to me that NOW is the time. It ended up being a beautiful thing...(when all was said and done).

Whatever you do, or how you go about it, I think you need to tell him soon. Last night left him hanging. His imagination is quite likely running wild.

I like what JL said earlier about not defending your decision, just as we don't defend A's. What's done is done though. The important thing now is that your H will know the truth. Together you can move on from there. It will be one more thing for the two of you to sort out and heal from, but you will be doing it as a union.

~ad

PS. Yep Ky, nothing to be jealous of here. So, ok, I don't have 52 kids, but I do have 2 teens and one baby who is an OC, AND I'm older than dirt!!!

JL and AD...about not defending my decision to abort:

I totally agree. I have never tried to defend my affair(s), not even to myself, I only want to understand how and why they happened and stop it from happening again. I desire explanations not excuses .

I am struggling in my soul about the abortion. I cannot defend my desicion to abort because I cannot say it was the right decision to make. He is a wonderful father and I love being a mother...but last year was so different. My girlfriend was shocked that I was even P...she wondered how we even managed to have sex still. Me too.

I stayed up late many many nights wondering if this was a message from Him... but what was the message? Funny, a year later the message is becoming more clear to me now...but it is too late. I killed it.

Now I am feeling very bad and crying again. Sorry. bye

mom - I think the sooner you tell him the better. Otherwise he will imagine much worse things.

((((((Mo3))))))

My big mouth got me into trouble again. I'm sorry, Mo3. I shouldn't have included JL in what I said about not defending your decision, because that's NOT what he said. He said: ...and bring him along here if you feel it will help I will NOT try to convince him your decision was good, but I will try to convince him that he should respect your honesty and willingness to tell you something that will in fact hurt you both.

I also didn't say what I said, in a way to make a judgement. I am seeing the abortion as a parallel type of an event to an A. The truth of it will be painful for H, and he will most likely not see the decision as a good one, thus, hopefully no one would try to tell him otherwise. The bigger point will be that you will be telling him the truth.

I hope you're ok...still around?

Sorry,
~ad

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Oh Love, you need another hug. Of course you feel bad, your a good woman.

You made a decision based on what you thought was best at the time. I'm not going to beat you up, although I'm sure I could take you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I can't wait till you are at the point you don't beat yourself up too.

I'm guessing it will be a while, after telling the H I think it is going to get worse for you before it can get better. But what a weight lifted off your shoulders, he can bare the grief with you.

We all do things we are not proud of, hello fWW here. I just want you to know, I'm not here to judge you, just support you.
KY

Momof3,

Have you noticed my name? I chose it for a reason. I am "just" learning many things. I am "still" learning many things. This site has been an enormous source of knowledge and learning for me.

Given my obvious interest in learning, you will not be surprised at my next comment. There things in life we do, we decide, we act on, we fail to act on, and these things are irreversible. They cannot be changed, they cannot be made right, in some cases they cannot be justified. But the one thing I feel we are obligated to do, is to LEARN from them, to do our best to improve based on what we have learned, and then we must go forward with this knowledge.

I saved my last question for you for now.

What have you learned and how does it affect your marriage, your H, your life, your family, your friends?

I am not a bibilical scholar, but the bible is full of stories of people that sinned greatly, learned from their sins, and went on to do good things. They could do that because they learned. It could be argued that is really God's gift, the ability to learn and become better. There are other religions that life is one big spiral and you ascend or decend based on what you learned in your previous existence here.

My point is simple, when you tell your H of your decision and your actions, TELL HIM WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED. Perhaps the best way to start talking to him is to tell him what you have learned in this past year, from your A's, from your decisions, and THEN tell him of the decision that is causing you so much grief. And tell him why you are telling him now, that you have learned that he is a source of strength for you, that perhaps you do love him, etc.

But, no matter what Momof3 reflect on what you have learned via the experiences that led to the answers you gave me on the other post, and from your decision last year. Tell him what is in your heart and your mind.

Those are my thoughts on the matter, and frankly they were greatly influenced (in a positive way) by what AD and others have been posting to you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Absolutely brilliant you are JL

Where do you get this stuff??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Given my obvious interest in learning, you will not be surprised at my next comment. There things in life we do, we decide, we act on, we fail to act on, and these things are irreversible. They cannot be changed, they cannot be made right, in some cases they cannot be justified. But the one thing I feel we are obligated to do, is to LEARN from them, to do our best to improve based on what we have learned, and then we must go forward with this knowledge.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really, are you a female???
Great last post.
KY

He still loves me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Will post details later.

ANOTHER softball game for oldest DD. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can't wait to tell y'all about my huge step forward, my leap of faith, my absolute renewed Faith in my marriage and hubby, and closeness to Him.

xoxo
mom

Mom, all this board has done today has made me cry.

Good tears this time.

Jenny

Perma grin here. I'm so happy for you.

happy hugs for you Mom of 3. Tell us more when you can.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
KY