Baby Makin' Question:I AM OFF CHOCOLATE - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hey y'all,

I need to write a major vent, cry, freak out, admit (more) really crappy stuff, and I don't know where to post it. Obviously, due to the nature of the subject the Pregnancy board seems like the place to do this. BUT I went over there and did some reading...I don't "know" andy of those people! Not like I really know any of y'all but I have really come to get a flavor for the different people on General Questions...and Recovery. But if I post something really yuckie over here can or will I get help? NO...I know I will get help, but is it appropriate to post over here?

Will I offend y'all?

I don't want to hurt anyone so I am holding off...but if I labble my thread a touchy topic....would that be a good idea?

Someone respond! I love Pepper, and KY (jelly?!), and I like Cellophanes male perspective...AND SO MANY OTHERS!!!!

will be waiting.

[ June 25, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: momof3bychoice ]

Momof3BC,

If it has to do with pregnancy with person not your spouse, the pregnancy board is very likely the best place. As is the case here, there are people there on all sides of most of the issues. Many are very helpful, if you want help. For example if you were to be pregnant by OM, the people like Autumnday and Tigger can help you ALOT. If it is something else there are others that can help.

You could post both here and on pregnancy if you like. If you want help or just want to vent the people in both places will do their best to help you and your marriage.

Also the pregnancy board is a bit slower these days but I would not be surprised if some of the old timers won't come out of retirement and talk with you.

Your choice, but I think you will find help on either.

God Bless,

JL

I would just post here, with a warning. Those that would feel uncomfortable, need not read your post.

**poking my head out of lurking mode** <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am a regular on the Pg/C boards... As Lil Bit is my H's OC...

I don't usually post anywhere other than the Open Pg/C or Private Pg/C boards...

JL beat me to suggesting that you get info from Tigger and Autumnday.
And suggesting posting here first, then there if need be... but I am sure that there are those that keep an eye on both board that will be willing to help you.

I know I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stacia

Thank so much.... I will try this here.
WARNING, MAY GET YUCKIE:

Last year, July 30, I had an abortion. It was awful, horrendous. I was a very lost, sad, and tired soul. Healing has been slow. Like the past sexual abuse I endured as a child, I used my defense mechanisms of repression, regression, and denial. It is not working anymore.

It is all coming to a head. I have been getting triggers of last year for a week or two now. I am very sad and angry. The worst part is hubby doesn't know about the ab. He didn't even know I was pregnant. The baby was his.

I know we have this radical honesty policy. I know he needs to know...right? I just can't tell him. I am afraid it is going to crush him. Destroy his soul. I am afraid this will be the one thing that will finally make him leave.

Another thing that is weighing on my heart is that he and I are talking about possibly trying to concieve again this fall. I am delighted at this. I want a large family. I feel that we are very firm in our recommitment to our marriage. I feel that we both are making this decision for only the right reasons. But then I think of July 30, and I want to puke. I need to tell him.

Momof3bychoice,

Well, you may have guessed from my screen name, and the mention of it before, I am the Tigger they are all talking about! If you have any questions about a P from an A, I am very open about my situation, and would be more than willing to help in any way that I can. I usually just stay to the P/C boards, but will check on this thread, to see if you need help from me.

Tigger

Hi Mo3~

I was about to post to invite you over to P/C, thinking you may be P by om...

I see it's something different, and while not an easy one, I think you answered your own question in your last sentence. You do need to tell him, for your sake, his sake and the sake of your M. It will be tough...another type of d-day in a sense, but you need to continue to be honest in all things.

Give him the opportunity to help you through the healing. Give him the opportunity to know the whole truth. Heal together.

I don't suggest getting P, with this "thing" still between you, and it is...as long as he's in the dark.

Another thought, is he may be all up in arms wondering what is wrong, if you're not being yourself, with the anniv. date of the abortion fast approaching. He may be thinking the very worst...om related...

I wish you well...and you can pop in and say Hi anytime you'd like over at P/C...we won't bite!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Warmest regards,
~ad

mom -

I had an abortion 18 years ago, and still regret it to this day. It is a very hard thing to get over. You will be depressed over this every year on the anniversary or birthday.

Please share this with your husband. He needs to know, and it will help you forgive yourself.

Anyone who thinks that women just "get over" something like this is just plain wrong. It will take a lot of working through.

Believer

I thought I could just get over this. I can't.

It has been so emotional for me. The biggest mistake of my life. I thought I had forgiven myself, but as the anniv. approaches I grieve all over again. And I don't even feel like I have the right to grieve because it happened at my OWN HAND...know what I mean?

This is difficult. I am afraid he is going to be so mad. We have always been very anti-abortion (for us). We had always thought that would not be an option for us. He has very strong opinions and views about abortions and dads-to-be, and the lack of rights of fathers. See my fear?

I am not just afraid of his anger but afraid that once again I am going to be the source of his heart hurting. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

mom -

It is a heart-wrenching place to be. When I got my abortion, I went to my gynecologist, who refused to do it. He was worried because I was crying. On my way out, the receptionist asked if I needed a prescription for pre-natal vitamins. Then she looked at my chart and said she guessed I didn't need them. I will never forget that.

You will have a hard time getting over it. When we act against our beliefs, there is a terrible price to pay.

You need to tell your husband. It is his right to know. And if you don't, this will eat you up inside. Then if you decide to have another child, this will always be between you. So buck up, and let your husband know. That is the only way you will get some healing.

Momof3,

I think the best way to deal with this is to face it yourself first. So with your permission I would like to ask you some questions, and hopefully your answers will allow you to address this event in a more organized fashion.

I do agree given what you have said your H will be hurt, the question is will he understand. For that to happen YOU need to understand so that the pain of this can be addressed.

So forgive me but I think we need to get some of the picture out to consider. I also apologize because I should remember the details of your story but they seem to be alluding me right now. So let me begin at the beginning.

1. How long have you two been married?
2. You do have 3 children right?
3. When did the A begin?
4. When did it really end?
5. When did H find out about it?
6. How did he find out about it?
7. Did you want to come back to H or did it require him to endure your withdrawal, and work on himself and the marriage for you to come back?
8. What was your emotional situation last year at this time, and where were you with respect to emotional connection to the OM?
9. What was your reasoning for making the decision you did?
10. What was your view of your marriage at this time?

I am asking all of this so that your choices can be put into proper context, along with your feelings, your emotional state, and your view of the marriage.

It seems to me if you review all of this, then you can face your H with the truth as well as the "reasons" not excuses. I suspect he will be deeply hurt as you said, but I have a feeling his love for you is pretty deep.

So let's see what we can do Ok? I also think you might really want to seek some counseling to deal with this. It is NOT something that someone "just gets over."

Let us know what you think.

God Bless,

JL

MO3, I to am a husband who is very anti-abortion. My wife and I have never had any children, becuase before we even got married we decided not to. I grieve that you must go through this, but do not go through it alone. If you are still with your husband and he loves you he wants to help you. That is the way we men are, we like to fix things. However, you may explain to him that this is something that cannot be fixed, but together must be endured. I do not envy you the road you must travel, but you will always doubt yourself and your commitment to the marriage if you do not tell him. I will pray for you tonight in our churchs prayer meeting. May God give you peace and guidance.

Just Learning....

oldest daughter has a softball game in like 10 minutes. I will think about and answer your questions then. I will post answers after the game.

About the counseling....yes. I agree. I am going to call tomorrow morning. Must get help for this.

xoxo

mom - Please tell your husband ASAP. This is too big of a burden for you to carry.

I'm with you on the fear of talking about abortion on P/C board only because so many seem to be very dedicated christians--but take comfort that many do not want in contact with this unwanted child by in most cases WH.

I have never talked about the subject on P/C but I want to tell you that yes you need to tell H but that you may very well have made the best possible choice.

You see the fact that these OW have not chose abortion or adoption makes me quite sure these OW (not Tigger and AD) did it on purpose and the fact that they keep bothering WH makes me even more sure--they wanted OC to keep H or to get money to exist in my opinion--I think that it has nothing to do with wanted an actual child.

So yes, I say this based on my own past experience. I and H made a choice once not to have a child while dating my H and we also came to a married point in our lives when we wanted and where ready for a child. I lived in fear that somehow God would punish me for what I had done and my baby would be unhealthy and he wasn't and then I realized that God knew and supported me for making the best choice in the situation I was in. It wasn't the time to have a child while both parents were in college, not married, dating only a few months--I knew we couldn't give a child what it deserved and I will tell OW are sick if they do this to keep H--that thought never crossed my mind and that is why I hate OW so much--can not imagine bringing a child into this world in hopes of keeping a man--you are playing with a guys life which is unfair and most of all an innocent childs life that did ask to be created to keep its father around.

Okay I'm rambling a bit because it feels good to say this because I have never vented about my hatred for other women because I have been there and I knew once I started about it I would have to share and wasn't ready to--they all had a choice and they made two choices one to get pregnant and one to stay pregnant.

mommyof3 please tell your H do not keep this in--he deserves to know and if you want another child this needs dealt with first.

We are always around to listen.

momof3bychoice,

JL has asked some very good questions and I anxiously await your answers.

I, myself, am ProChoice. I believe that there are certain circumstances in which abortion is an option for some women.
For myself, I have dealt with infertiliy so abortion is not something I would be able to choose for myself. At least not without some very extreme reasons for doing so, ie. medical reasons.

I do understand the pain of loss you feel. I just past the 4 yr anniversary of the due date for the first time I knew I was pregnant. I miscarried that child. I still feel loss and grieve for a child I never knew, never held. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
That was the first KNOWN pregnancy... I have had 4 total confirmed pregnancies.. the last resulting in our beautiful little boy.

Currently, my H and I are raising his OC. The OW has visitation every other weekend.
And we are raising our miracle baby as well.

Hugs and Prayers,
Stacia

mom of 3,

Whopper hug to you. I love you as well!!!!

Wow this is a big one. Your H is going to feel extremely betrayed. That was a major decision to make without him.

I understand your lonely place you was in, your tortured soul that brought you to that decision. I will pray your H can understand as well.

You need to tell him, but you know that. What a burden for you to be carrying around. You poor thing. Trust in your H. Have faith in your M.

Baby makin Q - I thought this was going to be a sex thread. Should I admit my curiosity? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love to you, KY

Thank you to all who have sent me support.

KY...I KNEW you would think this was a sex thread...that is why I titled it such...to get you here! hehehehehehehe Thanks for the hug...may need more soon.

Just Learning...I have tried to answer your questions...I hope it is what you needed to know...ask me to clarify anything!

1.How long have you two been married? Will be married 8 years in Sept. (together for 10)

2. You do have 3 children right? Yes 3 daughters 7, 4, 3yo

3. When did the A begin? Which one? Most recent PA began 11/03

4. When did it really end? March/04

5. When did H find out about it?December/03

6. How did he find out about it? I was not hiding it very well. I was very unhappy and I think I wanted him to find out, to fight for our marriage, to fight to get back his wife, to see what he was going to lose. H found out because OM XW called him and told him, I did not deny, confessed all.

7. Did you want to come back to H or did it require him to endure your withdrawal, and work on himself and the marriage for you to come back? I filed for DV in Jan/04…we lived together while waiting for courts ruling on who was to get possession of the house. We each had to watch the other endure hell. I continued seeing OM, until March 13…remember exact day that I thought “this is enough” March 24…we told each other “I still love you.” April 28/04 I dropped the divorce. No contact was difficult for H and me. H didn’t understand the whole “withdrawl” thing and it hurt his feelings. We have spent every single minute together that we have when we are not working or at school. That has helped both of us so so much! We started reading SAA at the end of May/early June, and we realized that we were already doing a lot of the steps in ending my A and putting our life together again.

8. What was your emotional situation last year at this time, and where were you with respect to emotional connection to the OM? Last year at this time I was ending an A. I really did not want to be an adulterer (adulteress?). I wanted to be happily married. I wanted a nice little family. BUT H never knew about any of my infidelities and did not realize how serious the situation was. He was nowhere near the man he is today…and I too, am a completely different woman. The affairs were never really about emotional connection for me. I was sexually abused as a child and I believe my affairs were about learning about love the wrong way…the wrong kid of love…I felt I had to be intimate in order to be loved or to show love. Of course at the time I didn’t know all of this…I thought I was just a little slut who couldn’t say no, an unhappy wife with an oblivious hubby that would never be good enough. I know so much more know about myself and my husband.

9. What was your reasoning for making the decision you did? The baby was my husbands. He was the only one I had intercourse at that time. I made the decision because I had just gotten into a nursing program at school that is VERY difficult to get into and there is a waiting list, also…I wanted a divorce. I wanted to get my ADN, get a good job, and divorce my husband. I felt I was a terrible wife, and he deserved better. I felt a baby would suffer. I was selfish. I wanted to go on with school, and MY LIFE. I don’t know if I made the right decision or not… but I am a different person now, and I woudn’t be who I am now if it weren’t for crap I endured THEN. Also hubby is a different man now. I like it. I am sorry we had to go through a lot of crap to get where we are but I like where we are now.

10. What was your view of your marriage at this time? I think I have summed up this question with a lot of my other responses. I felt I was married to someone who was satisfied with 5% happiness, and had no desire to change to make me happy. I wanted a divorce. I felt that I “loved hubby but was not in love with him.” At the time I felt unhappy about all of my life.

At This time my marriage is: I feel my marriage is exactly what I always thought my marriage should be. My husband is very attentive to me, anticipated my needs, meets my needs not because they are important to hum, but because they are important to me. I feel he adores me. I feel sexy at the same time as feeling like a mom. We are learning to live with no secrets, completely open and honest. I feel like part of a team. I feel like I am his best friend. He is mine.

Does this help you get a better picture? I sure hope you are still hanging around tonight!

momto3
I think you should print out your last post and show your H, after his initial reaction.

Could you start a sex thread??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

More hugs for you -
KY

ky, so you think i should tell H about the ab. then show him this post? or show him the whole thing as a way of telling him?

Oh, and trust me...I could definetly start a sex thread....hehehehehehe.

oh and btw, ky, I just had a HUGE bowl of chocolate puddin'.......yummy in my tummy. I love chocolate when I am feeling sad, or mad, or happy, or horny, okay...whenever and wherever I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

I think you need to tell him first, and then after the storm quiets show him your thread.

Oh honey, this is not going to go over well. Prepare your statement the best you can to help him understand where you was at the time.

KY

Let me tell you, if I smoked I would be having a cigarette. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

he know something is going on with me. He is very sensitive to my changing moods and emotions...that is a good thing. A few minutes ago he asked me if I still felt ok with us...and if I was haveing doubts. I know I seem so withdrawn. I need to tell him now. Scared.

He is in the shower.

When he gets out I will tell him. I think kids are all asleep now.

KY...If I smoked I would have one too! What kind would you smoke? I think I would have one of thos long skinny kinds...they look sexy...well as sexy as CANCER can look anyway, ehhh?

Momof3,

I asked those questions for YOU, not me. You see you need to organize your thoughts, your feelings, and how you present this to your H. I may be too late to help as you may have told him, but Momof3, this will hurt both of you.

You apparently have had more than a few A's, and you are just getting out of one now. Your H is probably very raw as he got to witness your latest for about 6 months AFTER he found out.

You say he is NOT the same man he was before. I guess I would beg to differ. He has not changed, what has changed are his perspectives. He was a good and forgiving man before, he probably wanted to do the right things then as well, but did NOT know what to do. Plus he did NOT know what he was dealing with.

I think you should give him more credit for being basically a good man but one that has his world turned upside down. He responded to this by changing his perspective on you and marriage, and he is still there.

If you have not told him I would like to suggest that you seek the advice of a counselor hopefully one you two have used to help design the best way to tell him something for which there is no good way.

In any event, I wish you the best, and bring him along here if you feel it will help. I will NOT try to convince him your decision was good, but I will try to convince him that he should respect your honesty and willingness to tell you something that will in fact hurt you both.

God Bless,

JL

Mom of 3,
How are you??? Are you okay this morning??? I was worried about you all night.

I prayed your confession would fall on understanding ears.

You owe me one night of good sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your friend, KY

Morning Mo3~

I too was thinking about you last night. Couldn't log back in to see if you posted, partly because of tornado warnings, partly because H was back from a BT. I, like you try to spend all possible time I can w/ him. It really does make a difference, doesn't it?

So, what's up? Talk to us as soon as you can. I hope you're ok. Was gonna tell you my advice, but you may have already done the deed, so I'll wait to hear.

~ad

ps. Your post with the answers brought back some old feelings for me. Very similar. They sounded from your heart, I think that's why Ky suggested you show them to your H sometime after the confession.

He said, "I hate it when you are quiet. It scares me."

I said, "I am sorry you are scared. I do have something I need to talk about, but I am not ready."

Him, "Are you thinking about him ?"

Me, "No it has to do with me, nothing about him. I love you and need you right now more than ever. I am just trying to get my jumbled up thoughts in order before I talk to you. I don't want to hurt ou anymore."

Him, after a long silence, "Should we stop being intimate...will that help you?"

He thinks what I need to talk about is more stuff from my childhood sa. And yes I guess it probably can stem from waaaaaaaay back that far.

Anyway, I didn't tell him last night. Everybody Loves Raymond was on and it was a good one! JUST KIDDING! Really, I wanted to tell him I was just not ready yet.

JL, I am glad I answered your questions with honesty. It has given me a new perspective on my marriage/life/situation. I agree. He is not changed, but his perspectives have. Thank you for helping me articulate that better. He has learned a lot about survivinds SA, it amazes me sometimes the compassion, understanding and mercy he shows me.

I cannot concieve another child untill all of this is "fixed" or at least opened up.

Maybe I should see a counselor before I tell him, but I think that is unrealistic. There is a HUGE waiting list at the place I am trying to go to. I am broke.

KY, take a nap today for me will ya? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

AD, you seem so warm and friendly...what is your advice?

Thank you to all!

I get - take a nap today,
AD gets your so warm and friendly.
Man!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have 52 kids, I can't take a nap.

Okay, so in a nutshell, you chickened out!!!!

What a sweet response from him. Do you really think you can keep him waiting?

I suggest you really think about what you are going to say to him. Because once it is out, it is going to be hard for him to hear what else you have to say.

JL, you are so bright, are you sure you aren't female???? I bet you get that alot, huh???
HEE HEE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm still waiting for the sex thread.

Isn't crazy how much childhood can screw you up. I'm sorry for your past torture.

I'm sure like I have learned from it you have as well, and taken the bad out of what you received and applied your life lesson to your own parenting and your children will be better for it.

Life is all in what we make of it.
ky (jelly)

[ June 24, 2004, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]

KY....naahhh I didn't mean you were cranky by the take a nap thing! I put a smiley after it?!?!? I like your sense of humor, and I think you too are very warm and friendly....don't be jealous of AD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think today is a good day for a long talk. H has the nest 2 days off so we have plenty of time to talk. Just have to find something for the kids to do....to leave us alone.

I have my thoughts in order pretty good now.

I like the idea of printing this...I want to print the whole thread... how? Anyone know how to do that?

KY, again...was just razz'n ya....

xoxo

No worries, nothing funnier to me, than somebody ripping on me. I'm sick and wrong like that.

You can send the kids to my house, Field Trip to Aunt Jelly's.

I'm pathetic how I pulled that compliment out of you. That wasn't my intentions, but I'll take it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can you just copy and then post on word or something to print. I can barely turn my puter on, so I can't really help you. Sorry.

ky

Damn, why did I say that?...now I gotta think of some good advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> j/k...

I liked the advice given by everyone who said you need to tell him now/soon. I especially liked what Ky said about following up the confession w/ your "answers post". However, I hear what JL is saying about seeking counsel first. This is a big deal. Especially since your H is pro-life. Not just that, but you made a huge decision that affects both of you, without him.

My advice is kind of a combination of all of the above. If you can seek counsel, perhaps a call to the Harleys...I think that would be great, and would most likely give you a good plan of action. However, I also believe, sometimes you just need to do, what you need to do, as your heart speaks to you. Strike when the iron's hot, or whatever you want to call it. Listen to what Ky said about clearly thinking about what and how you want to say it though. It's true, anything after the intitial confession will probably be a blur.

When I came here, I hadn't told my H about A and P being an OC yet. Naturally ALL of the advice was to tell him. Most of the advice though was to wait a bit and seek proper counsel first, and also that it would probably be wise to confess in the company of the MC. I read up on this entire site, listened to all of the posts, read SAA, etc. I called the Harley's, but never set up a counseling session. I had similar talks with my H as what transpired last night w/ your H, (minus the om concerns...cuz he didn't know yet, obviously). Anyway, he KNEW something was up. He even said one night, if it's something really bad that you did, I don't think I want to know. It's between you and God, and if you can work it out with him, that's all that matters. I could tell how scared he was though. Finally one night, it just all came out of me, I know longer wanted to hold back. I couldn't hold back. I went against all the best advice, in more ways than one, including the time, place, kids being home, etc. but I just told him. It was so clear to me that NOW is the time. It ended up being a beautiful thing...(when all was said and done).

Whatever you do, or how you go about it, I think you need to tell him soon. Last night left him hanging. His imagination is quite likely running wild.

I like what JL said earlier about not defending your decision, just as we don't defend A's. What's done is done though. The important thing now is that your H will know the truth. Together you can move on from there. It will be one more thing for the two of you to sort out and heal from, but you will be doing it as a union.

~ad

PS. Yep Ky, nothing to be jealous of here. So, ok, I don't have 52 kids, but I do have 2 teens and one baby who is an OC, AND I'm older than dirt!!!

JL and AD...about not defending my decision to abort:

I totally agree. I have never tried to defend my affair(s), not even to myself, I only want to understand how and why they happened and stop it from happening again. I desire explanations not excuses .

I am struggling in my soul about the abortion. I cannot defend my desicion to abort because I cannot say it was the right decision to make. He is a wonderful father and I love being a mother...but last year was so different. My girlfriend was shocked that I was even P...she wondered how we even managed to have sex still. Me too.

I stayed up late many many nights wondering if this was a message from Him... but what was the message? Funny, a year later the message is becoming more clear to me now...but it is too late. I killed it.

Now I am feeling very bad and crying again. Sorry. bye

mom - I think the sooner you tell him the better. Otherwise he will imagine much worse things.

((((((Mo3))))))

My big mouth got me into trouble again. I'm sorry, Mo3. I shouldn't have included JL in what I said about not defending your decision, because that's NOT what he said. He said: ...and bring him along here if you feel it will help I will NOT try to convince him your decision was good, but I will try to convince him that he should respect your honesty and willingness to tell you something that will in fact hurt you both.

I also didn't say what I said, in a way to make a judgement. I am seeing the abortion as a parallel type of an event to an A. The truth of it will be painful for H, and he will most likely not see the decision as a good one, thus, hopefully no one would try to tell him otherwise. The bigger point will be that you will be telling him the truth.

I hope you're ok...still around?

Sorry,
~ad

[ June 24, 2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]

Oh Love, you need another hug. Of course you feel bad, your a good woman.

You made a decision based on what you thought was best at the time. I'm not going to beat you up, although I'm sure I could take you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I can't wait till you are at the point you don't beat yourself up too.

I'm guessing it will be a while, after telling the H I think it is going to get worse for you before it can get better. But what a weight lifted off your shoulders, he can bare the grief with you.

We all do things we are not proud of, hello fWW here. I just want you to know, I'm not here to judge you, just support you.
KY

Momof3,

Have you noticed my name? I chose it for a reason. I am "just" learning many things. I am "still" learning many things. This site has been an enormous source of knowledge and learning for me.

Given my obvious interest in learning, you will not be surprised at my next comment. There things in life we do, we decide, we act on, we fail to act on, and these things are irreversible. They cannot be changed, they cannot be made right, in some cases they cannot be justified. But the one thing I feel we are obligated to do, is to LEARN from them, to do our best to improve based on what we have learned, and then we must go forward with this knowledge.

I saved my last question for you for now.

What have you learned and how does it affect your marriage, your H, your life, your family, your friends?

I am not a bibilical scholar, but the bible is full of stories of people that sinned greatly, learned from their sins, and went on to do good things. They could do that because they learned. It could be argued that is really God's gift, the ability to learn and become better. There are other religions that life is one big spiral and you ascend or decend based on what you learned in your previous existence here.

My point is simple, when you tell your H of your decision and your actions, TELL HIM WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED. Perhaps the best way to start talking to him is to tell him what you have learned in this past year, from your A's, from your decisions, and THEN tell him of the decision that is causing you so much grief. And tell him why you are telling him now, that you have learned that he is a source of strength for you, that perhaps you do love him, etc.

But, no matter what Momof3 reflect on what you have learned via the experiences that led to the answers you gave me on the other post, and from your decision last year. Tell him what is in your heart and your mind.

Those are my thoughts on the matter, and frankly they were greatly influenced (in a positive way) by what AD and others have been posting to you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Absolutely brilliant you are JL

Where do you get this stuff??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Given my obvious interest in learning, you will not be surprised at my next comment. There things in life we do, we decide, we act on, we fail to act on, and these things are irreversible. They cannot be changed, they cannot be made right, in some cases they cannot be justified. But the one thing I feel we are obligated to do, is to LEARN from them, to do our best to improve based on what we have learned, and then we must go forward with this knowledge.
<hr /></blockquote>Really, are you a female???
Great last post.
KY

He still loves me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Will post details later.

ANOTHER softball game for oldest DD. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can't wait to tell y'all about my huge step forward, my leap of faith, my absolute renewed Faith in my marriage and hubby, and closeness to Him.

xoxo
mom

Mom, all this board has done today has made me cry.

Good tears this time.

Jenny

Perma grin here. I'm so happy for you.

happy hugs for you Mom of 3. Tell us more when you can.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
KY

Can't wait to hear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

“[…] when you tell your H of your decision and your actions, TELL HIM WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED. Perhaps the best way to start talking to him is to tell him what you have learned in this past year, from your A's, from your decisions, and THEN tell him of the decision that is causing you so much grief. And tell him why you are telling him now, that you have learned that he is a source of strength for you, that perhaps you do love him, etc.”

JustLearning: This is exactly how I survived telling H about the abortion. I have learned so much from past mistakes, and the analogy of the spiraling life is a very accurate description of how I view life. Before March of this year I felt my life was in a downward spiral, and I have been lifted up, through His mercy…and with the love, support, and faith of my H…my spiral is now upward. I see many great things in our future.

[ June 24, 2004, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: momof3bychoice ]

Me , “This probably is the worst time to talk about this…to tell you this…but there will never be the ‘right time’ to tell you something this painful and awful.”

Him (looking scared and nauseas), “Okay, I am listening…go on.”

Me, “Last year I had an abortion.” I had to just get it out.

Him, silence, closes his eyes.

Me, “I feel awful, terrible. I need you more than ever right now. I am mourning the death of this baby so badly right now. It was the worst day of my life and the anniversary is approaching quickly and I do not know if I can endure it without you.”

Tears.

Him, still silent, now looking at me.

Me, “I am sorry. I have many explanations for why I did this…no good excuses, just explanations. I have thought long and hard about who we were last year, who I was, what our marriage was. I have thought about that decision I made. I have thought about Christ. I have thought a lot about who we are now and mostly I have been thinking about YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS.

Him, “Was it my baby?”

Me, “Yes.”

Tears.

Him, “I have a lot of questions about what was going on at this time last year…about your feelings about me and us…I don’t know where to begin.”

Me, “I have something for you to read…when you are ready, that might help you, and if you still have more questions I will answer them honestly as best I can.

Me, (crying more), “I am so sorry.”

Him, (reaching out to touch me), “I forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself.”

BIG HUGS, TEARS, BIG HUGS, (and my favorite) A KISS ON FOREHEAD.

Thank you, JustLearing (and others…don’t get all jealous on me KY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), without your questions, guidance, support, love…I may not have ever told him. AND if I did ever tell him I might have done it wrong or something.

AGAIN JL, THANK YOU FOR THIS:
My point is simple, when you tell your H of your decision and your actions, TELL HIM WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED. Perhaps the best way to start talking to him is to tell him what you have learned in this past year, from your A's, from your decisions, and THEN tell him of the decision that is causing you so much grief. And tell him why you are telling him now, that you have learned that he is a source of strength for you, that perhaps you do love him, etc.

WHEW!!!!!! (A collective sigh of relief). You did it. Now this will no longer be between you two. God bless you both.

KY,

Hubby and I are indulging in Chocolate Puddin' right now...thought you should know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxo,
mom

Momof3,

Tears from me this morning reading this.

Nah, not just tears. Real crying. I feel for you and all the emotional upheaval in your life right now. I rejoice in the new openness and honesty in your M, and the healing that is taking place.

JL, AD, and others - unbelievable insight, support, and caring.

Mornin' Mo3!

That is just the best news ever! I think I remember you saying your H has a couple days off? I bet it's a beautiful day where you are, (even if the sky doesn't say so)! Now go enjoy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

~ad

Mom of 3,
Communication, isn't it a funny little thing.

It works it actually works.

No jealousy here, I think JL is brilliant and still a little unsure if he is male or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh, wait I am jealous, chocolate pudding!!!! Did you smear it all over each other??? And then L - oh, I'll let you tell on your new sex thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm guessing relief has over taken your body, and you are very fulfilled with the love and forgiveness and total acceptance you have received from you H. Very happy for you Mom.

KY

KY, this is funny cuz at first I didn't know JL was a man, sometimes I can't keep all you guys straight...but it quickly came back to me. I was very glad to have a man's perspective on this. And you humor.

About the pudding...there could have been some smearing and li..., but he already smearled calamine lotion on my poison ivy...I think that would taste ewie together....not to mention the poison ivy is in an interesting spot right now....don't know how it got there?! Could he get poison ivy on his....tongue?

This is turing into a strange sex thread...although I have had a stranger converstaions (I am a student nurse).

Thinking about the calamine lotion...I was thinking about adding that to my list of love bank deposits over on Pepper's thread!

KY, this is funny cuz at first I didn't know JL was a man, sometimes I can't keep all you guys straight...but it quickly came back to me. I was very glad to have a man's perspective on this. And you humor.

OMG - I have been such a rambling idiot you think I'm a man.... Not so!!!!!!!!!!

That is a joke men, relax. I'm an old fashion girl who happens to hold the male species in a superior way.

Mom- my H always tells me, you are pretty funny, for a girl. Girls can be funny too.

Gosh, has our bond been tarnished???
I all of the sudden feel dirty, I need a shower.
KY - a real girly girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ky

I knew you were a girl...I think I used the pronoun "guys" wrong or something...I meant it is hard to keep the stories that accomany the screennames straight, because I have no faces to associate...becoming clear as mud now?

SO SORRY, I can tell you are all girl like me! HELLO....chocolate obsessed...well cello is obsessed with the cocoa too though, so I guess hat is a poor indicator of sex....

now I am rambling!

I have always had more male friends than female and I think it is because of humor. I just like the way men joke around better than women (most women). Women can get too "personal" men are more tongue and cheeck...there is a gag there I know it....

I meant I was glad for JL's make perspective and your (womanly, but not so "takin' it personal") humor.

I MESSED UP THAT ONE!

Our bond is not tarnished...I hope. And I am glad we cleared that up!

Remember, I am the WS...so this communication thing is kinda new for me (lol....).

xoxo
mom

[ June 25, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: momof3bychoice ]

So I took a shower for nothing?????

Thanks for clearing it up.

Your title changing is cracking me up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've been looking for the opportunity to tell you I shave my legs, and stuff, everyday too.
Every since I read your one thread that said that.

But then if I post that and you think I'm male, that would be too weird. I knew you knew, but I was confused for a second, thought maybe you had me confused with somebody.

Ah, yes, communication. I sucked at it too, obviously.

I'm sorry you have poison ivy, yuck!!!!! Are you like a speckled egg with all that calomine lotion on???

KY

I have so much calamine lotion on that there is nothing "speckled" about me. I keep wondering, "how did I get it there? or there?"

Also, I just got out of the shower and not only did I shave my legs...but I popped a huge zit on my chest...I feel so grossssssss. I am falling apart. I am 25 yo and I am falling apart.

There will be no sex thread today.

I keep thinking of new titles for this thread, but am holding myself back...I can get carried away.

hubby is patiently waiting for me to finish getting ready...we have "plans" for today while kids are at church camp. Tanning and coffee drinks...he knows the way to a girls heart. I am so glad he did not witness the zit popping. I am glad we are not "too comfortable" with each other these days.

Gotta go...will check back in later with ya KY, k? Love chatting with ya!

xoxo
mom

KY...I am off chocolate for a while, because after the extraction ceremony I performed on my chest in the shower...I found "another" on my back....I have backne! OMG...I am falling apart. I feel as thought it is connected to every nerve in my back/shoulder/neck...I may need to sterilize some forceps to get a hold of it....

strange, strange, sex thread.

xoxo
mom