Hey y'all,

I need to write a major vent, cry, freak out, admit (more) really crappy stuff, and I don't know where to post it. Obviously, due to the nature of the subject the Pregnancy board seems like the place to do this. BUT I went over there and did some reading...I don't "know" andy of those people! Not like I really know any of y'all but I have really come to get a flavor for the different people on General Questions...and Recovery. But if I post something really yuckie over here can or will I get help? NO...I know I will get help, but is it appropriate to post over here?

Will I offend y'all?

I don't want to hurt anyone so I am holding off...but if I labble my thread a touchy topic....would that be a good idea?

Someone respond! I love Pepper, and KY (jelly?!), and I like Cellophanes male perspective...AND SO MANY OTHERS!!!!

will be waiting.

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: momof3bychoice ]</small>

Momof3BC,

If it has to do with pregnancy with person not your spouse, the pregnancy board is very likely the best place. As is the case here, there are people there on all sides of most of the issues. Many are very helpful, if you want help. For example if you were to be pregnant by OM, the people like Autumnday and Tigger can help you ALOT. If it is something else there are others that can help.

You could post both here and on pregnancy if you like. If you want help or just want to vent the people in both places will do their best to help you and your marriage.

Also the pregnancy board is a bit slower these days but I would not be surprised if some of the old timers won't come out of retirement and talk with you.

Your choice, but I think you will find help on either.

God Bless,

JL

I would just post here, with a warning. Those that would feel uncomfortable, need not read your post.

**poking my head out of lurking mode** <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am a regular on the Pg/C boards... As Lil Bit is my H's OC...

I don't usually post anywhere other than the Open Pg/C or Private Pg/C boards...

JL beat me to suggesting that you get info from Tigger and Autumnday.
And suggesting posting here first, then there if need be... but I am sure that there are those that keep an eye on both board that will be willing to help you.

I know I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stacia

Thank so much.... I will try this here.
WARNING, MAY GET YUCKIE:

Last year, July 30, I had an abortion. It was awful, horrendous. I was a very lost, sad, and tired soul. Healing has been slow. Like the past sexual abuse I endured as a child, I used my defense mechanisms of repression, regression, and denial. It is not working anymore.

It is all coming to a head. I have been getting triggers of last year for a week or two now. I am very sad and angry. The worst part is hubby doesn't know about the ab. He didn't even know I was pregnant. The baby was his.

I know we have this radical honesty policy. I know he needs to know...right? I just can't tell him. I am afraid it is going to crush him. Destroy his soul. I am afraid this will be the one thing that will finally make him leave.

Another thing that is weighing on my heart is that he and I are talking about possibly trying to concieve again this fall. I am delighted at this. I want a large family. I feel that we are very firm in our recommitment to our marriage. I feel that we both are making this decision for only the right reasons. But then I think of July 30, and I want to puke. I need to tell him.

Momof3bychoice,

Well, you may have guessed from my screen name, and the mention of it before, I am the Tigger they are all talking about! If you have any questions about a P from an A, I am very open about my situation, and would be more than willing to help in any way that I can. I usually just stay to the P/C boards, but will check on this thread, to see if you need help from me.

Tigger

Hi Mo3~

I was about to post to invite you over to P/C, thinking you may be P by om...

I see it's something different, and while not an easy one, I think you answered your own question in your last sentence. You do need to tell him, for your sake, his sake and the sake of your M. It will be tough...another type of d-day in a sense, but you need to continue to be honest in all things.

Give him the opportunity to help you through the healing. Give him the opportunity to know the whole truth. Heal together.

I don't suggest getting P, with this "thing" still between you, and it is...as long as he's in the dark.

Another thought, is he may be all up in arms wondering what is wrong, if you're not being yourself, with the anniv. date of the abortion fast approaching. He may be thinking the very worst...om related...

I wish you well...and you can pop in and say Hi anytime you'd like over at P/C...we won't bite!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Warmest regards,
~ad

mom -

I had an abortion 18 years ago, and still regret it to this day. It is a very hard thing to get over. You will be depressed over this every year on the anniversary or birthday.

Please share this with your husband. He needs to know, and it will help you forgive yourself.

Anyone who thinks that women just "get over" something like this is just plain wrong. It will take a lot of working through.

Believer

I thought I could just get over this. I can't.

It has been so emotional for me. The biggest mistake of my life. I thought I had forgiven myself, but as the anniv. approaches I grieve all over again. And I don't even feel like I have the right to grieve because it happened at my OWN HAND...know what I mean?

This is difficult. I am afraid he is going to be so mad. We have always been very anti-abortion (for us). We had always thought that would not be an option for us. He has very strong opinions and views about abortions and dads-to-be, and the lack of rights of fathers. See my fear?

I am not just afraid of his anger but afraid that once again I am going to be the source of his heart hurting. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

mom -

It is a heart-wrenching place to be. When I got my abortion, I went to my gynecologist, who refused to do it. He was worried because I was crying. On my way out, the receptionist asked if I needed a prescription for pre-natal vitamins. Then she looked at my chart and said she guessed I didn't need them. I will never forget that.

You will have a hard time getting over it. When we act against our beliefs, there is a terrible price to pay.

You need to tell your husband. It is his right to know. And if you don't, this will eat you up inside. Then if you decide to have another child, this will always be between you. So buck up, and let your husband know. That is the only way you will get some healing.

Momof3,

I think the best way to deal with this is to face it yourself first. So with your permission I would like to ask you some questions, and hopefully your answers will allow you to address this event in a more organized fashion.

I do agree given what you have said your H will be hurt, the question is will he understand. For that to happen YOU need to understand so that the pain of this can be addressed.

So forgive me but I think we need to get some of the picture out to consider. I also apologize because I should remember the details of your story but they seem to be alluding me right now. So let me begin at the beginning.

1. How long have you two been married?
2. You do have 3 children right?
3. When did the A begin?
4. When did it really end?
5. When did H find out about it?
6. How did he find out about it?
7. Did you want to come back to H or did it require him to endure your withdrawal, and work on himself and the marriage for you to come back?
8. What was your emotional situation last year at this time, and where were you with respect to emotional connection to the OM?
9. What was your reasoning for making the decision you did?
10. What was your view of your marriage at this time?

I am asking all of this so that your choices can be put into proper context, along with your feelings, your emotional state, and your view of the marriage.

It seems to me if you review all of this, then you can face your H with the truth as well as the "reasons" not excuses. I suspect he will be deeply hurt as you said, but I have a feeling his love for you is pretty deep.

So let's see what we can do Ok? I also think you might really want to seek some counseling to deal with this. It is NOT something that someone "just gets over."

Let us know what you think.

God Bless,

JL

MO3, I to am a husband who is very anti-abortion. My wife and I have never had any children, becuase before we even got married we decided not to. I grieve that you must go through this, but do not go through it alone. If you are still with your husband and he loves you he wants to help you. That is the way we men are, we like to fix things. However, you may explain to him that this is something that cannot be fixed, but together must be endured. I do not envy you the road you must travel, but you will always doubt yourself and your commitment to the marriage if you do not tell him. I will pray for you tonight in our churchs prayer meeting. May God give you peace and guidance.

Just Learning....

oldest daughter has a softball game in like 10 minutes. I will think about and answer your questions then. I will post answers after the game.

About the counseling....yes. I agree. I am going to call tomorrow morning. Must get help for this.

xoxo

mom - Please tell your husband ASAP. This is too big of a burden for you to carry.

I'm with you on the fear of talking about abortion on P/C board only because so many seem to be very dedicated christians--but take comfort that many do not want in contact with this unwanted child by in most cases WH.

I have never talked about the subject on P/C but I want to tell you that yes you need to tell H but that you may very well have made the best possible choice.

You see the fact that these OW have not chose abortion or adoption makes me quite sure these OW (not Tigger and AD) did it on purpose and the fact that they keep bothering WH makes me even more sure--they wanted OC to keep H or to get money to exist in my opinion--I think that it has nothing to do with wanted an actual child.

So yes, I say this based on my own past experience. I and H made a choice once not to have a child while dating my H and we also came to a married point in our lives when we wanted and where ready for a child. I lived in fear that somehow God would punish me for what I had done and my baby would be unhealthy and he wasn't and then I realized that God knew and supported me for making the best choice in the situation I was in. It wasn't the time to have a child while both parents were in college, not married, dating only a few months--I knew we couldn't give a child what it deserved and I will tell OW are sick if they do this to keep H--that thought never crossed my mind and that is why I hate OW so much--can not imagine bringing a child into this world in hopes of keeping a man--you are playing with a guys life which is unfair and most of all an innocent childs life that did ask to be created to keep its father around.

Okay I'm rambling a bit because it feels good to say this because I have never vented about my hatred for other women because I have been there and I knew once I started about it I would have to share and wasn't ready to--they all had a choice and they made two choices one to get pregnant and one to stay pregnant.

mommyof3 please tell your H do not keep this in--he deserves to know and if you want another child this needs dealt with first.

We are always around to listen.

momof3bychoice,

JL has asked some very good questions and I anxiously await your answers.

I, myself, am ProChoice. I believe that there are certain circumstances in which abortion is an option for some women.
For myself, I have dealt with infertiliy so abortion is not something I would be able to choose for myself. At least not without some very extreme reasons for doing so, ie. medical reasons.

I do understand the pain of loss you feel. I just past the 4 yr anniversary of the due date for the first time I knew I was pregnant. I miscarried that child. I still feel loss and grieve for a child I never knew, never held. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
That was the first KNOWN pregnancy... I have had 4 total confirmed pregnancies.. the last resulting in our beautiful little boy.

Currently, my H and I are raising his OC. The OW has visitation every other weekend.
And we are raising our miracle baby as well.

Hugs and Prayers,
Stacia

mom of 3,

Whopper hug to you. I love you as well!!!!

Wow this is a big one. Your H is going to feel extremely betrayed. That was a major decision to make without him.

I understand your lonely place you was in, your tortured soul that brought you to that decision. I will pray your H can understand as well.

You need to tell him, but you know that. What a burden for you to be carrying around. You poor thing. Trust in your H. Have faith in your M.

Baby makin Q - I thought this was going to be a sex thread. Should I admit my curiosity? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love to you, KY

Thank you to all who have sent me support.

KY...I KNEW you would think this was a sex thread...that is why I titled it such...to get you here! hehehehehehehe Thanks for the hug...may need more soon.

Just Learning...I have tried to answer your questions...I hope it is what you needed to know...ask me to clarify anything!

1.How long have you two been married? Will be married 8 years in Sept. (together for 10)

2. You do have 3 children right? Yes 3 daughters 7, 4, 3yo

3. When did the A begin? Which one? Most recent PA began 11/03

4. When did it really end? March/04

5. When did H find out about it?December/03

6. How did he find out about it? I was not hiding it very well. I was very unhappy and I think I wanted him to find out, to fight for our marriage, to fight to get back his wife, to see what he was going to lose. H found out because OM XW called him and told him, I did not deny, confessed all.

7. Did you want to come back to H or did it require him to endure your withdrawal, and work on himself and the marriage for you to come back? I filed for DV in Jan/04…we lived together while waiting for courts ruling on who was to get possession of the house. We each had to watch the other endure hell. I continued seeing OM, until March 13…remember exact day that I thought “this is enough” March 24…we told each other “I still love you.” April 28/04 I dropped the divorce. No contact was difficult for H and me. H didn’t understand the whole “withdrawl” thing and it hurt his feelings. We have spent every single minute together that we have when we are not working or at school. That has helped both of us so so much! We started reading SAA at the end of May/early June, and we realized that we were already doing a lot of the steps in ending my A and putting our life together again.

8. What was your emotional situation last year at this time, and where were you with respect to emotional connection to the OM? Last year at this time I was ending an A. I really did not want to be an adulterer (adulteress?). I wanted to be happily married. I wanted a nice little family. BUT H never knew about any of my infidelities and did not realize how serious the situation was. He was nowhere near the man he is today…and I too, am a completely different woman. The affairs were never really about emotional connection for me. I was sexually abused as a child and I believe my affairs were about learning about love the wrong way…the wrong kid of love…I felt I had to be intimate in order to be loved or to show love. Of course at the time I didn’t know all of this…I thought I was just a little slut who couldn’t say no, an unhappy wife with an oblivious hubby that would never be good enough. I know so much more know about myself and my husband.

9. What was your reasoning for making the decision you did? The baby was my husbands. He was the only one I had intercourse at that time. I made the decision because I had just gotten into a nursing program at school that is VERY difficult to get into and there is a waiting list, also…I wanted a divorce. I wanted to get my ADN, get a good job, and divorce my husband. I felt I was a terrible wife, and he deserved better. I felt a baby would suffer. I was selfish. I wanted to go on with school, and MY LIFE. I don’t know if I made the right decision or not… but I am a different person now, and I woudn’t be who I am now if it weren’t for crap I endured THEN. Also hubby is a different man now. I like it. I am sorry we had to go through a lot of crap to get where we are but I like where we are now.

10. What was your view of your marriage at this time? I think I have summed up this question with a lot of my other responses. I felt I was married to someone who was satisfied with 5% happiness, and had no desire to change to make me happy. I wanted a divorce. I felt that I “loved hubby but was not in love with him.” At the time I felt unhappy about all of my life.


At This time my marriage is: I feel my marriage is exactly what I always thought my marriage should be. My husband is very attentive to me, anticipated my needs, meets my needs not because they are important to hum, but because they are important to me. I feel he adores me. I feel sexy at the same time as feeling like a mom. We are learning to live with no secrets, completely open and honest. I feel like part of a team. I feel like I am his best friend. He is mine.

Does this help you get a better picture? I sure hope you are still hanging around tonight!

momto3
I think you should print out your last post and show your H, after his initial reaction.

Could you start a sex thread??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

More hugs for you -
KY

ky, so you think i should tell H about the ab. then show him this post? or show him the whole thing as a way of telling him?

Oh, and trust me...I could definetly start a sex thread....hehehehehehe.