I have been married 11 years. I was 16 when I moved in with my husband and 18 when we were married. I’m not sure how we ended up getting married so young, but it happened and that’s a whole other story. We have no kids. After 2 years of marriage we were fighting like cat & mouse. He would work late and I was going to college full time. When he came home he would sit in front of the TV and ask to be left alone. There was quite a bit of pressure on him to pay the bills, but I was feeling unloved. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore, but he talked me into staying. Things haven’t changed. I know I should have left at that time. We were young and didn’t know how to communicate. I started having an affair with a co-worker after three years of marriage. It has been going on for the past 7 years. He has been my best friend, a person I can talk to and be myself with. My husband intimidated me so much that I lost touch with myself over the years. I haven’s seen him for almost a year, but I feel terrible for my husband. He is not a bad person, but I don’t think he is the right person for me. How do you decide between a man you had a 7 year affair with and a man who has been your husband for the past 11 years? I love my husband, but I don’t like him. He is willing to work on our marriage and learn to communicate, but is communication enough or do you have to genuinely like the person you are married to. We have no real hobbies in common. We have tried counseling, but he dominates the conversation and points the finger at everything, but our relationship. I know that Dr. Harley tells us that we are obsessed or addicted to the person we are having an affair with, but dosen’t my husband deserves more than me. My husband knows I had an affair, but not how long it has been going on. He wants to work things out, but I feel like I ruined what we had. I probably need some mental help (counseling) on my own along the way and will seek it soon. Someone please help any advice is appreciated.

Hi Anita,

You must feel very torn right now. I think that a good first step is to realize that as long as you try to have both relationships....both will fail. You can't rebuild your marriage while involved with an affair. You can't marry or truly commit to someone else as long as you are married. So to begin with, you will have to make a decision about whether you are willing to do these things in the order that it is the healthiest, and most ethical so that you can feel good about you.

I would caution you to leave your marriage, until you can see how differently you view your husband when you aren't involved in an affair...it may surprise you. Your "dislike" for him is hard to be certain of when he's being compared daily to an "ideal". No matter how long your affair has gone on.....it is not like a marriage because it is separate from the stresses of daily life. No matter how "perfect" this other man may seem....you really cannot know what being with him would actually be like if you removed the secret nature of it and got into routine that married people do.

Let me ask you some questions. Is the OP married? Does HE have children? What don't you like about your spouse?

Welcome to the forum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Anita,

You must feel very torn right now. I think that a good first step is to realize that as long as you try to have both relationships....both will fail. You can't rebuild your marriage while involved with an affair. You can't marry or truly commit to someone else as long as you are married. So to begin with, you will have to make a decision about whether you are willing to do these things in the order that it is the healthiest, and most ethical so that you can feel good about you.

I would caution you to leave your marriage, until you can see how differently you view your husband when you aren't involved in an affair...it may surprise you. Your "dislike" for him is hard to be certain of when he's being compared daily to an "ideal". No matter how long your affair has gone on.....it is not like a marriage because it is separate from the stresses of daily life. No matter how "perfect" this other man may seem....you really cannot know what being with him would actually be like if you removed the secret nature of it and got into routine that married people do.

Let me ask you some questions. Is the OP married? Does HE have children? What don't you like about your spouse?

Welcome to the forum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your reply. I haven't seen the OP for the past 8 months. He is not married, but has 2 kids from a previous marriage. My spouse overpowers me, he is difficult to get along with because he always gets his way at work and tells people what to do (he's a "boss"). We have different opinions on how to raise children (that's why we don't have any). He is from the "old school" and doesn't seem to support my career. I could go on quite a bit on this one. I have stayed away from the OP to try to work on my marriage, but the more I try to work on it the more confused I get.

Thanks for being nice, most people on other sites have bashed me for my affair. I know what I have done is wrong and I am ashamed of it.

Thanks for your reply. I haven't seen the OP for the past 8 months. He is not married, but has 2 kids from a previous marriage. My spouse overpowers me, he is difficult to get along with because he always gets his way at work and tells people what to do (he's a "boss"). We have different opinions on how to raise children (that's why we don't have any). He is from the "old school" and doesn't seem to support my career. I could go on quite a bit on this one. I have stayed away from the OP to try to work on my marriage, but the more I try to work on it the more confused I get.

Thanks for being nice, most people on other sites have bashed me for my affair. I know what I have done is wrong and I am ashamed of it.

Anita,

You might get some bashing here too. The problem with most forums here...are they are filled with folks whose pain is fresh and raw from betrayal. That makes it very very hard for them to understand how agonizing this situation can feel from the other side. I'm not comparing the two....or quantifying which is better or worse....only that there is often real pain from the WS stand point. I know a really safe forum if you get too beat up here. If you write me, I'll send you a link and tell you a little about it. starfish4729@hotmail.com

In the meantime....let's talk about what you are prepared to do, even if it's difficult. Afterall, very little worth having is effortless is it? "Attraction" is easy....but "attachment" requires commitment and effort. Affairs involve attraction....and marriages, attachement. They are different kinds of bonds but BOTH posess great magic and power. All relationships move past the attractions stage...UNLESS...they are forever poised in fantasyland and kept secret. I'm so happy to see that you have managed to maintain no contact for 8 months....is that none at all? Or some emails? calls? It matters.

What kind of recovery plan do you and your husband have to rebuild intimacy and trust? If you don't have a plan, you'll end up in the same dull unfulfilling marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair in the first place.

Welcome to MB.... the marriage you have is a direct result of the marriage skills both spouses have ....
~until~ a third party enters...
then the marriage actually has 3 members... one being a shadow, the OM.

I started having an affair with a co-worker after three years of marriage. It has been going on for the past 7 years.

So for 7 years there have been 3 people in your marriage.

And, here's what I think ... and you feel free to disagree, cuz it's only my opinion and my thinking....

The OM is no great catch either.

How ~disrespectful~ must a person be to remain the 3rd party in someone else's marriage? ... My opinion ---> VERY disrespectful.

I am not just saying the OM was disrespectful to your H ... but also to YOU and to himself and to the institution of marriage.

You know, most people cannot maintain a 7 year affair, know why? It's too disruptive to one's life ... being torn in different directions, keeping track of lies told, compromizing one's integrity and value system, a silencing of one's conscience. What sort of man would ask you to do that? An OM, that's who.

You say your H intimidates you ... well, ever think of this....

The reason you allowed your H to intimidate you was because you had something to hide from him !!!!!

If you were NOT in an affair for 7 years ... I doubt you would have taken intimidation so readily. You could have stood up for yourself in your marriage and drawn a line of behavior boundaries for your H ... but you did not do this because you were ~hiding~ your affair!

Congratulations for 8 months of NC.

Take responsibility for your part of living with an intimidating husband .... your affair ~permitted~ this situation to fester....

Are you in any danger?? Is your H violent?

Pep

PS...

Here's something else for you to chew on...

I don't think it is ~possible~ to have a 7-year affair without a MASSIVE tolerance for...

conflict avoidance

If you had to make a list of how you avoid conflict... how long would the list be? Then, a second list, name the ways that avoiding conflict has harmed you.

Pep

I'm so happy to see that you have managed to maintain no contact for 8 months....is that none at all? Or some emails? calls? It matters.

There have been a couple of calls, but not many, maybe 10 or so in the last 8 months.

What kind of recovery plan do you and your husband have to rebuild intimacy and trust?

When I told him I had an affair he was upset, of course and he has been asking my father of all people for advice. That would be ok, but now my dad knows about my affair as well. He feels like he can't forget I had the affair and wants me to stop going to my out of town meetings. Unfortunately there are quite a few, but the OP does not work for the company anymore. I can't give up my job it's all I have right now. H wants me to decide between him and my job and college (I'm working towards my Masters, which he didn't approve of when I re-enrolled). We haven't really worked on a plan.

If you don't have a plan, you'll end up in the same dull unfulfilling marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair in the first place. [/QB][/QUOTE]

The OM is no great catch either.

Your right he probably isn't and I'm too blind to see it, that's why I've been staying away from him.

You say your H intimidates you ... well, ever think of this....

The reason you allowed your H to intimidate you was because you had something to hide from him !!!!!

This can be true, but he was intimidating before I started my affair. I'm surprised I did it even though I was afraid of him. He is a powerful persona and his personally demands respect, maybe it's because I was so young when I married him, I'm not sure. You might be right, that I might have stood up for myself if it weren't for my affair, I guess the only way to know for sure is to try to make things right?

If you were NOT in an affair for 7 years ... I doubt you would have taken intimidation so readily. You could have stood up for yourself in your marriage and drawn a line of behavior boundaries for your H ... but you did not do this because you were ~hiding~ your affair!

Congratulations for 8 months of NC.

Take responsibility for your part of living with an intimidating husband .... your affair ~permitted~ this situation to fester....

I am not in any danger. He is not violet, just mental abusive...I won't go into too much detail. Just degrading that's all. I can handle it!

Are you in any danger?? Is your H violent?

Pep[/b] [/QB][/QUOTE]

I haven't posted in awhile, but I felt I needed to chime in on this one.

You had said your H is emotionally abusive. Get the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. This explains it all. It is geared toward the person being blackmailed, but can be helpful for the blackmailer. Be careful with the wording. It can be very harsh and make the blackmailer sound like a monster (she mentions this in the begining of the book that this is not the intent). There is a good chance your husband doesn't even know he is doing it. I know this for a fact, I am the blackmailer! His comments chip away at your individualism and self-esteem very slowly so they are undetectable. This may have caused you to search outside the marriage for your emotional needs.

This is exactly what I feel happened in my marriage with my W (EA only). I found out about her "friendship" and approached her. She thought I was trying to control her more and change her and resisted. I kept trying more. It kept going round and round for about 2 1/2 months. All this time we were seeing MC. Then it hit me what I had been doing all of the 10+ years of our marriage. The MC also picked up on this and told my W. W got the courage to tell me, which is what got me to start thinking what I was doing.

Are both of you in MC? If not, please do so. If he will not go, then you go. Do you know about his relationship with his parents? How was it? Was he emotionally / physically abused as a child? These are all things that I have identified from my childhood and I am currently working on with MC and IC.

As for no contact, please stop all of it. Send one final e-mail explaining this is it. Even let your husband read it before you send it. Change you cell phone number, e-mail account, home phone ... This will show your husband you are serious about your marriage. We are at the point where I requested my wife to stop all communications. She said she has, but she still resents me for the request. I am letting things cool down and then will ask her if she wants to talk about it. D-day for us was only 4/14/04. This will show her I am not trying to control her, which is what I was doing in other ways. Nasty cycle, but we're slowly getting through it.

Good luck and keep us updated.

Just_Friends_NOT

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