I have been doing my best to meet my WW's ENs. I asked her if she feels loved and she said that she did, but that she didn't want to. How can I love someone who really doesn't want to be loved right now? Am I just trying to hard? I was very apathetic before the A and I don't want to fall back into that attitude, but what I'm doing now is not working either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Actually, it is working, she feels loved.

Thus, if you have to go to Plan B, she will feel the absence of being loved.

For me, when I was starting to really feel loved again by hubby, I didn't want it either.

I felt I didn't deserve it. I felt I needed more punishing.

Somewhere deep inside the little girl that learned about loving all the wrong ways was really confused about the new love hubby was showing me.

I don't know your sit. or your wife's. Maybe she wants the love, but doesn't think she deserves it?

Or maybe she still has contact with OM, and feeling love from you is messing up her foggy head?

either way, I agree with Lor...it is working.
xoxo

Thanks Lor and MO3. To provide a little more detail on my situation, I think in a way my WW doesn't think she deserves the attention I'm giving her. She knows it is because of the A and doesn't think that I can or will change. I don't think anyone could possible go through an A and not be changed in some way. She also feels that she should be punished, however I think she doing a good enough job of that on her own.

Anyway, thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I felt the same way...I flet like the attention only came after discovery of my A...and after it all died down a bit BH would go back to his old ways of ignoring my needs. He just kept at it though. Now I still have that fear that he will go back to his old ways...but then I think about me going back to my old ways and I see that is NOT AN OPTION, so I am a bit renewed in my thinking that my new man is here to stay.

Hubby and I just had this talk yesterday. We both agree that the effort we put into meeting the other's EN, makes our relationship not only better, more fulfilled, but FUN.

Once I started to come out of my hard shell, and started thinking about my BH needs, and started METING those needs...it got a lot better.

From what little I have read, you don't sound like she is attempting to meet any of your needs yet? right?

Reassure her you are going to do ANYTHING it take to make her happy, save your M, and protect it from any future A.

Love her consistently.

Protect her...sometimes from herself.

I have a strange little feeling that you are on the right track here. I am hopeful for you two.

Just keep on loving her through her phase of thinking she should be punished--it is a phase that most wayward spouses who reconcile go through.

It is a recognition of their wrong-doing, a kind of taking responsibility for their actions.

Spouses who don't have this recognition or remorse...are less likely to ever participate in a successful recovery.

My Christian counselor likened Plan A to heaping ashes on the WS's head. Receiving undeserved kindness when they have wronged the BS.

And, if you are going to change for the better, now is a good time. If you have changed, make sure the changes are ones that are good for you as well because those changes are easier to keep.

Time & consistancy will prove your changes out.

Dorban: Momof3 and Lor both had it right. Keep it up and be consistent. I would add that you also need to keep the communication lines open and above all be patient.

Sounds like you are on the right path. Just remember that this roller coaster ride has it's ups and downs. Riden together (with your W) the lows won't be so low. Good luck and God Bless!

R

Dorban, my H changed immediately and drastically after the A, and I was not ready for him to love me. It took quite a while, and I'm just now ready to fulfill his needs.

I absolutely felt unworthy and that I should be punished by him, he was nothing but wonderful.

What helped me was him constantly (and he still does) telling me he isn't going to go back to the old him.

I also asked my IC for help because I was having such a hard time with being happy, here I have this wonderful man doing everything to please me and I was unhappy and annoyed with him.

She helped me realize I felt he was lacking depth and sincerity in his gestures. He was pouring it on way to thick, he has toned down, and it is completely different for me now, I can enjoy him and his kindness.

Every week it gets better for us, and I can appreciate him and his new ways more and more.

If she is extremely turned off by you, she could still be having contact.

The best to you, KY