As a warning, this has a very good chance of being a ramble. We'll see where it ends up. I'm not feeling quite as verbose as I am normally. Hopefully, that will temper this a bit......

I feel really...... lost......

Have been for a couple of days. I haven't forged ahead with much, other than being me lately. I feel very free, yet very constrained at the same time.

I'll do my best to explain.

I am deep in the throes of Plan B. I am not really experiencing that much in the way of triggers anymore. Even when I talk to MIL, hear a song, even see my/our precious wiener dog like I did last week. While this indifference is peaceful, perhaps numbing in a way, I still face turmoil. And it seems like it is all internal.

I am enjoying my "single" life. (Not in that sense) I come and go as I please, I do the things that I want to do. I'm, in many ways, having a really good time.

I am faced with the very real possibility of being confronted with the D process soon. (Within two weeks, give or take.) Perhaps it is the specter of that looming in the distance? I am still clueless as to my response to that. I have fought. I have stood strong. I have been the leader in my M for all of it essentially, and remain the leader today. I want this to work. I really do. I still have no clear idea of what is "right." Do I drag it out? Do I do nothing and let it take its course?

I have seen the big picture in this. God wanted me. This was what it has taken for me to find him. And I am so thankful. While I have always had an appreciation for the "Footsteps" poem, I now have a VERY full understanding of its meaning.

Something I read on here a while back, that I thought was great, was the advice to stand still and let God's will take control.

I'm doing my best to pray. To stand still. Often it just feels like I am pushed and pulled, susceptible to whichever way the wind is blowing.

My taker screams at times. Loudly. I think my "curveball" post from a few weeks back exhibits that. Luckily, I am able to silence him. His time will come.

My giver screams as well. As I read the "Love Bank Deposits" post, I saw basically a two-page list of things that I did for WW. Not at random, but daily. And truth be told, I miss giving, probably more than I miss taking. I have never been one to silence that side of me.

I struggle with what WW is. Is she a good person lost in this mess? Is she a person devoid of values and morals, that was only "lost" with me for a few years? I'm having a hard time delineating between the two.

I've tried to turn to scripture for guidance. And I have found that I find acceptable answers, in any direction I go. Divorce is not the answer. But it's OK if it goes that way. Let the non-believer go. That's OK. I truly struggle with this as it seems there are many doors in front of me.

I think that fact that I can't really find the words to express what I'm feeling says as much about my current state as anything.

I truly don't know if I have fought enough or fought too much. My committment, my vows, my beliefs are something that I will not back down from. But am I fighting a battle that has already been decided? What am I fighting for?

Sorry for the ramble. I'm not sure if I asked any concrete questions in there or not. Perhaps someone will pop up and give me the smack aside the head (or maybe just something to chew on) that can help me see more clearly......

This made no sense.....

Thanks for reading.....

Ethan

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Ethan -

I have nothing to give you to chew on. However, from my personal experience, you are feeling very "normal." and I use the term loosely.

I remember all of that. Your words are so familiar. I am in recovery now, and still I ask many of the same questions.

I wish I had answers for you, for myself. All I can say is I have felt and thought all those things. I think time will let us see the picture clearly, as it really is. I think right now, we can only see a small square. And it looks confusing.

Each night before I went to sleep, I asked for God to speak to me, through the Holy Spirit, and direct me in His will. I didn't ask Him to save my M, I asked him to give me the strength and courage to 1)hear His will, and 2)follow His will - no matter what it was. Even if it was something I didn't feel prepared to do.

I think I will start saying that prayer each night again.

Take care. Keep posting.

SS

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

There is an illustration about love that just came to mind as I was reading your post.

Of a triangle- God at the top, your wife and you at the bottom two points.

Before, it was just you and your wife, trying to get your needs met- a horizontal relationship, (but both of you needy, trying to get and give what you didn't have to give).

Now you have the vertical relationship with God, where your needs are being met ( the Source of love). You have something to give, now. You are in a position of strength if you are attached to the vine etc.

She is needy and lost, still. She needs to experience love, and you have some to give, yes?

People are drawn to the source by the love they see in us, experience in us...

See her with Gods eyes. See her as the person God has given you the privilege of loving into relationship with Him.

I'm there too. I have never REMOTELY been a sad person and now for about 7 months I've cried almost every day.

WW is a completely different person. OM represents SOOOO many things WW has always been against.

After latest revelation that she was one of MANY affairs he's had, that gifts he gave her were actually RE-gifted things he originally had made for his OWN wife and many other HORRIBLE things about him...she still stays with him. She'd still rather be there.

Today was the first day I really thought about what it would be like to not be married to her anymore. The idea that I would wait...indefinitely for her to decide if she actually does want to stay with me, that I'm the SECOND choice at this moment, freaks me out! People who love each other and get married don't get to try out other people anymore.

I don't deserve to be treated this way, she's said those same words to me, but now I'm starting to REALLY agree with her.

schander

SS,
Thanks for empathy, if nothing else. It helps a lot to know that others feel/have felt the same. That is actually the same prayer I say before I go to bed and when I wake up. I changed from the "save my M", to the "let God's will be done." Perhaps I too, should pray for the ability to see and follow his will, as well. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Shul,
That really helps. I have not seen her as God sees her lately. I guess I have fallen into the trap of seeing in the same way that others see her (and as she probably sees herself). That is a great re-focusing tool. I wish that there was a way to express to her what you just said.... Don't know if I will get the chance.

schander,
Your rollercoaster is tumbling and I can see it in what you say. As time passes, the coaster slows down and the dips and drops will be fewer, farther between, and less drastic. But it will be sometime before it stops completely. Hang in there.

Ethan

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Ethan

Good ramble and some insightful, thoughtful responses. I am always impressed as to the ability of strangers to give an eloquent voice to my feelings as well.

I have no insight to help you through this time. A closer relationship with God may be your reward for your commitment and suffering. It may be mine too.

We are but pilgrims through this life, with a destination before us. I feel the route you have taken is a blessed one, though maybe not the one you expected to have to take.

I hope you come to a decision that will leave you with some sense of peace regarding how to handle the possible divorce. To delay it, or receive the news with as much strength as you can muster. I hope more so that she sees “the light” prior and comes back to a triangle with God as Shul referred to. I and you know the path she has taken will not give her what she expects and is not a blessed one.

Either way, I hear you.

Take care.

thefurnitureman (TFM),

I have felt your pain and sting as well. They say that when you are really seasick, you look to the horizon. To something far ahead to see that the world is actually steady, regardless of where you are currently at.

Bumper sticker philosophy, that. One line that makes sense given the context, but may not when closely examined. I myself cure seasickness by jumping right in the water. Kind of removes the dependency of the boat, the skew it puts on the waves. It is not the waves making you sick, it is the "interpretation" of the waves you feel through the boat.

Find out what works for you. Look to the horizon and see the beauty of your future. Jump in to the waves and enjoy where you are at. For goodness sake, stop thinking about the boat if it's making you sick. Think about something else for a while. Let TFM blossom. Let TFM feel. TFM sounds like someone with some principles. Wouldn't be scared he would do anything wrong. Principles are too important.

Add this to your nightly prayers:

Lord, when I stumble across sadness and badness tomorrow, help me to find the joy again.

I find that like love, joy is an action word. Joy is not happiness. Joy is more an inner thing. It is the sarcasm that says "Things are bad, but they could be worse."

More bumper sticker philosophy: "Eat a live toad for breakfast, and nothing worse will happen the rest of the day."

It's all in the perspective. Borrow God's eyes. Wonder at his creation. You. Even the WW. Look for the joy when you can.

Sometimes you can't find it. Sometimes you can. When you do, the peace you feel is amazing. Better than ADs.

Fruits of the Spirit my brother - all you gotta do is pick and eat.

Hope that helps.

NCWalker

just wanted to add my 2cents as usual even though it probably still won't be much. you have started this thread w/such strength and if all i can offer is validation then please accept this as just that. God does want us and i know you are just starting to understand this as you've posted before and are now reading/seeing things as you didn't before. that footprints poems like you, means even more to me now, and i'm sure if we took a poll here then almost everyone would also agree to the same.

anytime i don't understand how my IL's can support my H in what he's doing, i just have to think of the love that God has for me. i strayed so far and was not the person that he wanted me to be in all areas of my life but especially in my walk w/the Lord. i prayed for years that God would be w/me and my H both individually and as man and wife and also to help me be the person he would want me to be. even though this is not at all how i thought he would answer my prayer or even would have wanted him to, he did never the less. the same could be said of your W and the way God looks at her.

the WS never sees the same picture that the BS sees and what we do is try to just at least give them glimpses of the same picture or at least convince them that there's another picture and it's worth looking at. i think every Christian can agree and in fact cannot dispute that it is God's will for us to obey him. of course how we obey him does differ between faiths/religions. your W is not obeying God and if we just simply ask or pray that God's will be done in her life then that is essentially praying for her to stop the A and/or related behavior. what we are not asking for or telling God is how to do it and when and that's the difference.

i somewhat understand the way you feel about the possible upcoming D and how you are feeling right now. i've started questioning the way i feel and being more anxious about things because i will be seeing my the end of next week and i feel that is playing a big part. i'm going to be asking javasanscontour to post a reply here because i think he could offer a lot and i'm all for trying to support others as much as possible.

prayers to you, RR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong> As a warning, this has a very good chance of being a ramble. We'll see where it ends up. I'm not feeling quite as verbose as I am normally. Hopefully, that will temper this a bit......

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ramble away. I'm often a stream of consciousness kinda guy, and I'm certain God can understand, regardless of the order you put the words down on the screen.

He gives us the Holy Spirit to utter groanings for us that God can understand (or something to that effect.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>
I feel really...... lost......

Have been for a couple of days. I haven't forged ahead with much, other than being me lately. I feel very free, yet very constrained at the same time.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's ok. It's often a full time job just being you. Heck it's often a full time job extracting out of this life what God wants you to be versus where the world wants to take you.

Take your time, God will see that you make any crucial appointments He has for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

I'll do my best to explain.

I am deep in the throes of Plan B. I am not really experiencing that much in the way of triggers anymore. Even when I talk to MIL, hear a song, even see my/our precious wiener dog like I did last week. While this indifference is peaceful, perhaps numbing in a way, I still face turmoil. And it seems like it is all internal.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So it seems plan B is working. I'm sure you recall that plan B is about two things, to protect what love you have left for your spouse, to continue to work on yourself, and possibly a third thing is to protect your spouse from your LB's if you find you are still unable to get them under control.

What turmoil do you face? That things won't turn out the way you want them to?

Is that really trusting God? Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

James 1:2-18 Heck read the entire book of James...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

I am enjoying my "single" life. (Not in that sense) I come and go as I please, I do the things that I want to do. I'm, in many ways, having a really good time.

I am faced with the very real possibility of being confronted with the D process soon. (Within two weeks, give or take.) Perhaps it is the specter of that looming in the distance? I am still clueless as to my response to that. I have fought. I have stood strong. I have been the leader in my M for all of it essentially, and remain the leader today. I want this to work. I really do. I still have no clear idea of what is "right." Do I drag it out? Do I do nothing and let it take its course?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are to ask God what you should do, if I might be so bold to make that suggestion. I'm not sure if you are asking a question, or just pondering "out loud"

However, if I may suggest, I suggest that you ask God, and do nothing that speeds the divorce along if you believe that God does not want you to divorce.

However, I cannot promise you that you will not divorce. I can only promise that God will be with you regardless the outcome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

I have seen the big picture in this. God wanted me. This was what it has taken for me to find him. And I am so thankful. While I have always had an appreciation for the "Footsteps" poem, I now have a VERY full understanding of its meaning.

Something I read on here a while back, that I thought was great, was the advice to stand still and let God's will take control.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I talk to God every morning, and many times throughout the day. It seems the answer I keep getting is wait.

Yes we want control. Well I do, and I suspect every person here would love to have control.

We have to give up that notion. That is what trusting and waiting on God is, giving up control. Now that doesn't mean we don't plan for the future, seek to gain a closer relationship with Christ, invest for our retirement, etc.

However, we change our outlook. We realize those are good things to do, but if they fail, God still has a plan for us.

Other than Jesus, is there any character in the Bible that didn't have a major character flaw? I don't think so. Noah got drunk, Moses killed, David comitted adultery and arranged a death. Saul who became Paul murdered Christians before he took the road to Damascus.

God specializes in working with broken people. He has to, we are all broken since Adam.

The failures and hurts seek to remind us of who we are versus who God is. Helps to make you humble, doesn't it?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

I'm doing my best to pray. To stand still. Often it just feels like I am pushed and pulled, susceptible to whichever way the wind is blowing.

My taker screams at times. Loudly. I think my "curveball" post from a few weeks back exhibits that. Luckily, I am able to silence him. His time will come.

My giver screams as well. As I read the "Love Bank Deposits" post, I saw basically a two-page list of things that I did for WW. Not at random, but daily. And truth be told, I miss giving, probably more than I miss taking. I have never been one to silence that side of me.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Scream at God!!! Really, He can take it. Read the Psalms, read the book of Job. God doesn't strike you dead if you are upset with him. Part of relationships is being upset with the other person.

It's ok to tell God you are disappointed, scared, mad, upset, happy. God knows already, so you are just being radically honest with Him when you acknowledge how you feel.

Be respectful, He is God, and He reserves the right to say nothing, to tell you to wait, to even say NO!

But tell Him, and then LISTEN.

Keep reading the scripture. If I might make another suggestion, spend as much time reading scripture as you do some other activity you enjoy. Scripture is how God speaks to you.

Ask God to suggest scriptures to you. I've prayed and God has said read the book of Isaiah for example.

I also read a proverb each day as well as four Psalms. Today is the 24th, so I read Proverbs 24, as well as read Psalms 24,54,84,114 and 144. On the 31st of a month, I read Psalms 119 because it is huge. You can read Psalms and Proverbs through each month this way.

There is a lot of great stuff in there.

Don't dismiss the Old Testament. I believe you learn more about God in the Old Testament than anywhere else. How God was with Israel, how he sent prophets to warn the people. How he was with them in Egypt.

The bible is God's story of his "Marriage Building" with us. The church is often referred to as the "Bride of Christ" so we best get acquainted with our suitor.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

I struggle with what WW is. Is she a good person lost in this mess? Is she a person devoid of values and morals, that was only "lost" with me for a few years? I'm having a hard time delineating between the two.

I've tried to turn to scripture for guidance. And I have found that I find acceptable answers, in any direction I go. Divorce is not the answer. But it's OK if it goes that way. Let the non-believer go. That's OK. I truly struggle with this as it seems there are many doors in front of me.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure it does you any good to worry about who your wife is. Again, control, and you can only control yourself.

Just like God has your attention, I'm pretty sure God knows who she is, and will reach out to her in a fashion He feels is best.

I think you can pray for her, that she would find God. That's probably more important that her returning to the marriage.

Sounds like you are in a good place regarding divorce. God will not abandon you because of the divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

I think that fact that I can't really find the words to express what I'm feeling says as much about my current state as anything.

I truly don't know if I have fought enough or fought too much. My committment, my vows, my beliefs are something that I will not back down from. But am I fighting a battle that has already been decided? What am I fighting for?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, you are fighting because you love your wife. You don't want to see her tear apart your marriage. Sounds to me like you do believe that you are truly one flesh, and you are fighting to keep that part of you that she provides.

You are fighting because you believe in what you are doing. You believe you are doing the right thing, and you believe in a God who does what seems impossible to mortal man on a daily basis.

Well, I suspect that is why you are fighting. Ultimately, only you can answer this question, and it is a good question to ponder.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thefurnitureman:
<strong>

Sorry for the ramble. I'm not sure if I asked any concrete questions in there or not. Perhaps someone will pop up and give me the smack aside the head (or maybe just something to chew on) that can help me see more clearly......

This made no sense.....

Thanks for reading.....

Ethan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, it made a lot of sense. I read here a man who is looking for the right thing to do, who doesn't know all the answers, but is willing to spend the time and effort in looking at both himself and to his creator for more answers.

I see a lot here to be positive about.

It's ok to not know. Most people cannot admit they don't know something. So admitting you don't know makes you wiser than most people you meet who appear confident on the outside, but inside they are hollow and weary from "faking it"

Tony
The more I learn, the less I know.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

i had a feeling i would be right in asking java to reply. wow, just kind of leaves you speechless.

Please don't praise me. The grey fatty matter in my brainbox will swell even more.

I'm just quoting scripture and recalling things I've experienced or read.

I'm a man with feet of clay. I still get mad in traffic (roughroad, did you get across the PSB before the accident? Yikes!!!!)

I learn many things each day, and I don't want anyone to think of me as anymore than a fellow traveller, a fellow creation of God. I'm loved no more, nor any less than any other here.

There will always be someone smarter, stronger, and more beautiful than am I. Furthermore, I don't become any better if I simply compare myself to others and say I'm better than they because...

Oh, and this reminds me of who ALL of our WS's are. They too are beloved creations of God, who wishes to have a relationship with them exactly like He wishes to have a relationship with us.

Even if we are not the WS, we ARE NOT better than our WS, so it does us no good to make such comparisons.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Isaiah 64:6<strong>
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So contemplating who our WS's are is not a worthwhile exercise in many respects.

Now let me contradict myself and say that in terms of meeting their EN's, this IS a worthwhile exercise. However, I got the impression this was not the sort of contemplation that was in progress.

Ok, enough rambling from this sinner.

Besides, why listen to me, what do I know. My W is seeing another man, has filed for divorce, and believes I'm the one who is impossible to deal with.

She may be right!

Tony

Thank you.

To each that has taken the time to respond to me, I really can't express how much it means to me.

I'll do my best to respond in kind.

Binder,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A closer relationship with God may be your reward for your commitment and suffering. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statement could not ring any truer to me. I have gained an unbelievable amount of "relationship knowledge." Enough to where I occasionally offer advice to others. The MB insight that I have gained I truly consider a blessing.

A stronger blessing than that is the relationship that I have forged with God. I don't feel that I can put into words the true joy I have found in this relationship (with God). I am almost giddy to be taking these two things with me when this is all over. It is tempered only by the possibilty that I can't share this with WW.

ncwalker,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lord, when I stumble across sadness and badness tomorrow, help me to find the joy again.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's all in the perspective. Borrow God's eyes. Wonder at his creation. You. Even the WW. Look for the joy when you can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These two lines really struck me. Joy has been fleeting (at best) during all of this. But when the brief smile, laugh or expression crosses me, I have learned to cherish it. This too, I will take with me. I had often stopped to look at the roses, but never lingered long enough to smell them. I had always been happy, go-lucky. I think my greater appreciation for the smaller things will only increase that. And I will add that to my nightly prayer.

roughroad,
Please don't underestimate the simplicity of a pat on the back, or a brief "you can do it." While someone's insightful analysis can help you dissect a specific scenario, it may not help on a bad day nearly as much as a simple "keep your head up."

javaSansContour,
Thank you for the reply. I think you may have found the point in scripture that really helps me through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> James 1:2-18 Heck read the entire book of James...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It applies almost exactly to my feelings at the moment, and touches straight to the core of me.

Scripture:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I said in my original post:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm doing my best to pray. To stand still. Often it just feels like I am pushed and pulled, susceptible to whichever way the wind is blowing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ding, ding, ding.....we have a winner!

And I see where my doubt comes from. I'm still very new in my walk with Christ. I suppose this shows that I am not trusting as much as I believed I was. And it is quite the eye opener.

I too see a lot to be positive about.

(Climbs on Soapbox)
People can say what they want about the state of the world today. In many ways it can be a scary, ugly, place. Certainly the majority of us here have seen ugly. Very up close, very personal.

But I,for one, feel that this little corner of the world is one that is filled with so many wonderful people, ideas, things. It shows that there can be as much right as wrong.
(Climbs off Soapbox)

Thank you again to all of you for offering your time and words to me.

Ethan

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{thefurnitureman}}}}}}}}}}}}}

were here for our brother in Christ no matter how young you are in your walk and your soapbox talk was also right on. prayers to you, RR