Oh Believer -

You do so much for everyone and I can't stand to see you in this situation.

If you are ready to talk and think he may be ready to come home or at least try to repair the M make it known to him prior to the meeting that he much commit to NC once and for all before you will even begin to discuss working toward recovery.

If he agrees and you feel comfortable start slowly. Go into a Plan A. He doesn't have to move home immediately. Date, offer him support, give him the reasons he married you to begin with and throw in the qualities of yourself you've acquired during Plan B. Start slow but remember he may be going throw withdrawls and he will have the typical FOG of all WSs. You will have to prepare yourself for that beforehand.

I would say listen to your heart but that's just oozing with cheeze! Instead pray about it and see if you can find your answer that way.

I wish you all the luck and I appreciate all of your support throughout my time on this board.

I enjoy reading your posts. I think that goes for everyone on here.

Well, heard from SIL tonight. WH says he knows he has to have NC with OW, and will call SIL back on Sunday night.

Talked to OW's husband tonight. He and 12 year old daughter have not seen OW for 2 weeks.

So I am thinking now (about what Pep said - what is my motive for taking WH back). It really never ocurred to me. I have assumed that I need to honor my marriage vows.

But since I have been in Plan B, I realize that I do not miss WH. Before we married, he was good to me. After that, no. It was all about him. I worked, took care of all the kids, and that was it.

As I have been mulling this over, I think that I want to be proved right. I to have acknowledgement that he was the liar.

What is up with this? I already know that he betrayed me and lied. So why can't I just let this go?

I don't know why you can't let go of it.. maybe because you want to hold on to the past of what your husband was like... pphhtt.. I really don't know.. maybe its a matter of PRIDE and when you have him back.. after a week, you'll send him back to OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know I'm evil.. just all evil this week.!

harudah - I really think that I have some ulterior motive, when I think about it. I married him and everything was fine. But I think he needed someone to help with his kids. I was very good at that.

Now that he has been gone, there is nothing I miss about him. Right after we got married, he stopped doing anything for me.

Not that he is not a good man. He is good to everyone that is not married to him.

So when I think about it, I do not want him back. On the other hand, I have a hard time giving him up.

I'm not nearly as far along in this process (or as ooooolllldd) as some of you, and I'm not a parent... but:

I've axed myself these same questions. I described my WW in another thread the other day. Those are some of the reasons I want her. I hate the idea that these feelings will go away, but I suppose if this drags on long enough they are likely to. I just know she's in there somewhere.

If I was fighting just out of respect for the institution of marriage, I don't know how long I'd be able to hang on. Cheers to all you dedicated MBers who aren't sure why you fight on. Good luck, Believer. I hope your WH wises up and starts taking his own inventory.

GC - stuck on the porch on a Friday night guarding his home...

I think we all question why we want them back. I sat in a movie this evening and all I could think of was why do I want this person who hurt me deeper then I ever knew possible? Tonight I can't come up with a very good reason, but maybe I will tomorrow.

Oh kloe - You are at the beginning of life, soon to have a little one. That is much different. You need to hang in there as long as it takes.

On the other hand, since I have been in Plan B, there is nothing I miss about WH. Our kids are grown and out of the house.

for what it's worth. Stand firm, stand firm, stand firm.

No contact meens no contact.

Any comprimise at this point would be a sign of weekness. Your WH problem is the same now as it was before he strayed. The same problem my WW had or has.

He can't face reality without a backup. WH had marriage problems so he created two relationships or worlds to choose from. My WW did the same. Now he's at another cross road and want's to keep both options on the table.

I've told my WW the same things you've likely said. I don't want a divorce but I'm left with little in the way of options. Unless you decide to leave and focus on your internal issues and our relationship then i need to move on with my life.

good luck.

Not that he is not a good man. He is good to everyone that is not married to him.

I STILL think our WH's are related somehow. This is how mine got connected with the OW. He helps everyone else!

He was helping a coworkers girlfriend and her roommate (OW) move across town one weekend (when he should have been spending it with me).

I also share your thoughts of not wanting him back, but not being sure I want to give him up either.

Confusing....

LL

Hi Believer,

Hmmmmm, why would you want him back.

Perhaps think about the needs he met. Were there any?

Jo

I think if you had a legal separation, you'd feel better about dating. I know I'm trying to speed things up, but look what you just said Beleiver, "He is good to anyone he isn't married to." I know a lot of men like that. They treat their wives like crap...and everyone is admired. My dad was never like that, so I can't accept a man to treat me like that. My dad cheated on my mom though.. SEVERAL times, but it seems like my mom did not care. She even help the OW and her child. It seems to me that I could never accept the OC as my brother. There was another OC from other woman, but she's older than me. I've never met her.. well we were together as kids, but I never really see her. I would like to as everyone is saying they can see resemblance... but each time she comes to my parent's house I was never there. She even waited once LATE at night, but I was out having fun with my friends. Oh well, next time I'm in Florida, I will try to meet her. It's kinda sad though... I asked my dad about that.. he said that he was talking to the OW at the same time as my mom and he picked my mom because she wasn't a WHORE and the other woman was... "oootay" now enough of my blabbing.. It's just I think you're a strong no doubt beautiful woman ...wish you would see it.

I know we're on MB not marriage quitter, but I also think you want to prove something to yourself...its something within...if he comes back, I doubt you'd really accept him with arms wide openm and start building that great marriage because it seems like you're saying there wasn't anything "GREAT" between you guys just the kids.

Maybe its a rollercoaster thought <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am still trying to brainstorm why you want him back and what has he change for you to want him back? What do you want from a relationship that he is willing to give? I know you have changed...now you need to know if he has changed!

Believer, I am starting questioning myself why I want my WH back. I don't see him have any quality I want except being father of my child. But your WH has no kids with you, he is with OW for so long and still can not give her up, why do you want him? Like your WH, my Wh treats every well but me. If you are not married to him, he may treat you better. That is my ugly 2 cents.

Hey girl. I think it is very interesting that you hadn't already considered the things Pep mentioned to you. But, I hadn't either, until one of my girlfriends here asked me. I was so focused on the end goal, getting H home, that I hadn't thought much about how I would feel WHEN he came home.

I really felt then, as I do most days now, that I could forgive him. Respect is a huge issue for me, as well. There are a few things the man did in his mental psychosis of the A that I still have a very hard time reconciling. As you know, some things hurt more than others.

I also think with time, those things can be healed. I also knew I was married to a good guy. A bit misguided at times, but a good guy - even without rose-colored glasses on.

I think it is good you are contemplating this aspect right now. Especially after 16 months. And you are doing fine without him. Even better! Your house is way organized, you started a business, you have so many friends that love you and care about you. You have created a wonderful life for yourself, from the rubble your WH left you to deal with.

Keep us posted of your thoughts on this subject, please! I love reading your posts.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong> Hi Believer,

Hmmmmm, why would you want him back.

Perhaps think about the needs he met. Were there any?

Jo </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree think about the man he was before ....

REALLY think about it.... Ask yourself HARD questions : Was your pre-affair perception of WH ~correct~?

What motivates YOUR choices from here .... moving forward with YOURSELF?

I would advise you this:

If you try to analyze what your H's motives are for too long ... you lose sight of YOUR OWN.

The opportunity for self-awareness is HUGE .... use it.

What are YOUR driving forces here?

And not just the noble ones ... also look at the less noble, your weaker motives .... all of it.

Not that any of this is "bad" it just "is". And the more you learn about yourself right now the better your chances of recovery married or unmarried in the future.

Don't judge your motives, explore them.

PLEASE do not "date" .... that is absurd! You are no more ready to date than a recently widowed grieving person who lost her spouse to death.

This is a time to acquaint yourself with your authentic self.

Pep

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

pep- Thanks for the thoughts. I'm not even thinking of dating, can't even imagine it.

However I am thinking very carefully about my motives. I am enjoying life without him, and doing things I never did with him. It was always all about him and his family.

We have been together for 15 years, and he has never met my parents. He had no desire to fly to Seattle to meet them.

And even little things that I wanted to do, he never would do. I haven't been to the state fair since before we were married - he never wanted to go after we got married.

I have a friend that lives a block away who redid her house 4 years ago. She did a beautiful job. I have asked my husband numerous times to walk over and see it. He has no interest.

I have spent 1,000's of hours doing what he wants to do with his family. He won't spend an hour doing anything that I want to do.

Yet his chief complaint about me is that he has to take the lead in everything. But I started noticing that anything I planned or wanted to do, he would not do.

All this started after we were married. Before, he would do everything with me.

So when I think about it, I don't want him back. I don't want to hurt him, just don't want him around.

Believer, all you said are valid. Now you have to ask yourself that do you still love him? I know it is a hard question to answer, but we have to, right?

You are always in my prayer.

lostnhurt - I do love him, because he is a good man. However I don't want to be married to him. I want to be his girlfriend.

YIKES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

How many of these kids are H's?

Pep

I'm counting 6 step-children. Are all those your WH's, Believer?

Jo

Yep. I have 2 boys. He has 3 girls and a boy, and 2 step-daughters, that have stayed with us quite a bit.

They are all on their own now. So you see I was very busy working full-time, cooking, shopping, school events, doctor/dentist appointments and family activities.

As soon as the kids got on their own, he took off with OW -- who is 16 years younger than us. I got to ride the new Harley twice, it's gone too.