schander,
I will agree with ML on many points....
1. Definitely find a way to retract the "pursuing the relationship" stuff. Word recently wiggled back to me that I was "OK with" my WW's current A. I made it abudantly clear to anyone who would listen, MIL included, that there is a HUGE difference between me being OK (which I am) and being "OK with it." Draw that line....
2. A clear path back is crucial, both for you and her. It defines your boundaries for her return, and helps define what you will and won't accept in any relationship.
3. I don't really see a true "end the A, and then we can talk" statement. Remember that WS's are confused, scared, angry, "in love", and all mixed up. Leave no gray areas regarding you. She may just think you are ignoring her.
4. EXPOSE! Family members and married friends are crucial. You don't have to give gory details. A simple "WW is having an A, I am committed to our M and wish for her to return to it." Let them decide how to handle it from there.
The "other letter" thing. If you hear from your WW, then you have a great opportunity to send a "true" PBL. If not, you may have to re-engage her briefly to help get your point across.....
I will give you my PBL experience so you can see the progressions it made. I have seen my PBL paraphrased a bit lately, so apparently I got some of it right. And WW understood. Other than a freak meeting at a concert, I have not seen or heard from her in more than 2 months. While that may sound a bit scary, remember that Plan B, if followed properly, is always successful. The WS will either return to the M, OR you will be in less pain when the D comes. I have only experienced the latter, but it has been quite helpful.
Here is the suggested setup for a PBL. (Straight from Chris -CA123)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1 - You love her.
2 - You want to stay married.
3 - You are sorry for your part in bringng the marriage to the state it is. Also that you are learning (ala MB) how to make a relationship better and take into account the other persons feelings with all your actions.
4 - You have to cut off all contact because of the pain of her continued affair.
5 - You will agree to contact again when she gives up the affair and agrees to discuss what is needed for reconciliation.
6 - You love her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is
my Plan B letter experience. You can see my original and the reasoning behind the changes I made.
In the event that you have neither the desire nor stamina to read the thread, here is the final version of my PBL.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
*************
Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.
The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.
I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.
The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.
It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.
I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.
Your loving husband,
Ethan
******************
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Luck,
Ethan