It's been a while since I last posted... some of you may remember my story. My h had a EA while I was pregnant with our third child. He left me mentally but not physically.

Since our baby arrived May 18th he has been home every night. We have been going to counseling and it is helping a great deal. He had a picture of the ow in his wallet and her phone numbers programed in his phone. On his own he has gotten rid of all them.

As far as I can tell he has truly ended the A. Right after the baby was born he talked to her a few times but has since ceased.

I feel like God is working in my favor. My h met the ow at work... she was a regular customer... I never asked him to quit his job (I don't work). However he was actively seeking other employment. The last time he saw or spoke to ow was at work... that week he lost his job.

It just seems like God is working to heal us and help him get rid of her. He has found other employment that seems to be wonderful... the owner is a minister and he would be working with other christians. Also we are building a home in another city... the owner is looking into opening an office there... that h would be in charge of. I didn't have to ask my h to quit his job or move. God just seems to be making that happen for us. All of my prayers are being answered.

My concern is now.. how likely is it that he might have a relapse? My h seems to have come home for good but it's only been a few weeks. We celebrated our seven year anniversary this weekend. I worry about her calling again or accidently running into her. I wonder how he will react if that happens.

What have some of you experienced?

BW, I think the chances of a reoccurance are largely dependent upon correting the problems that led to the affair in the first place. If it is all swept under the rug, a reoccurance is very likely.

Thats why it's so important to find out WHY so you can correct the problem. If the problem is not addressed and corrected, the chances are much greater that it will happen again.

It's also important for him to affair proof his marriage. Such as keeping his life opened up to you and accounting for his whereabouts at all time. He needs to make sure that he is not in a position for this to happen again.

What steps has he taken towards the recovery of your marriage? What is he doing to rebuild the trust he destroyed?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That would probably could help you both understand what happened here and how to repair your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Betrayed_Wife:
<strong> I worry about her calling again or accidently running into her. I wonder how he will react if that happens.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, BW, has he sent a no contact letter to the OW? This is a pretty important step in recovery. He needs to make sure she doesn't call again by sending her a letter telling her to never contact him again. This shouldn't be left to chance or he could be drawn back into this.

We are going to counseling together and we are making progress there. Our counselor told us that we have been traveling on separate paths and now we are working toward getting back on the same path. Our biggest problem was that we didn't communicate. We are doing much better at that.

We started to read Surviving an Affair however when we got to chapter 4...no contact. He stopped because he felt that it was too extreme... ie moving, changing jobs etc. He was still seeing ow at the time and didn't want to give it up yet.

He "says" he broke it off with her completely because she started to demand more of his time... that he couldn't give. He never left me and it really bothered her that he was coming home to me every night... plus I gave birth to his child during this time. He said that after they started talking about their relationship together he realized that a it would never work. He also said that he came home because he remembered how much he did love me and he loved our children.

Our counselor told me that h has to continue to prove to me that he is for "real" by his actions. His actions are telling me that he is being honest. He makes every effort to be with me and our children... home every night on time... he plans dates and activities for us... and calls me several times a day (more then he ever did before the A). He seems to be making every attempt not to contact her.

But like I said before... I'm more worried she will try to contact him.

But like I said before... I'm more worried she will try to contact him.

She probably will !!! Most OW do try this. Needing "closure" etc.

Did your H write AND send an NC letter?

Do you and your H have a PLAN for when she does contact your H? What does your H say he'll do if contact does happen?

Talk about it.... develop a plan.... together.

Is OW married? If she is, a part of the plan might be to call her H immediately after she initiates contact ... that's what we did ... and toots ... it worked reeeeeealy well !!! Pissed OW off big time.

Get a plan together, together!

Pep

BW, has he agreed to send a no contact letter? Has he promised to end all contact? Your biggest concern should not be her contacting him, but what he will do IF she contacts him. What will he do if she contacts him?

I think it sounds like you are on the right track, but I would suggest taking steps to protect yourself. You can't expect him to do all of that for you. You have a right to insist on no contact and to ask that he send a no contact letter. That is the least he can do if you agree to stay with him.

The onus of protecting yourself falls on you and I would only suggest that you take a firmer stance on ensuring that protection by setting some boundaries.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

BW,

I am kind of in the same situation as you, this was helpful for me also.

Thanks PEP! You always seem to chime in on someone else's thread and it always makes sense to my own situation. You are like a guardian angel to me or something. Thanks for being here.

BW sorry to thread jack, PEP is the best though

HINY

BW,

I too have the same fears. I'm not in a position to ive an expert advice (I've been trying to practice MB for over a year, but I just found out about the PA about a month ago).

My H has sent the NC letter. We wrote it together and it was sent by FedX - She received it on Tuesday. My H said last night that we feels that it was another hurdle that was cleared.

We too are spiritual (we are Christians), and prayer has been a big help to both of us.

I would encourage you to work out a plan as to what your husband will do if she calls. It is likely she will, especially without a NC letter. Even with the letter I feel very insecure.

We have caller ID now (for the 1st time in my life), I have access to his cell phone voicemail and he is showing me the calls (his phone holds only 20 per day and it is company owned so I can't get a copy of the cell phone bill). He is calling me regularly throughout the day.

I also have access to his work voicemail (I have his passwords and can check his messages from my phone). He has promised to hang-up if she calls and he accidentally picks up (he has caller ID) or not answer the call. He has promised to save all messages, and he has been bringing them phone in every evening.

We are seeing a therapist monthly (LONG sessions - usually 1 1/2 hour or longer), and have been for a while. We are also goind to purchase the Harley home courses on Lovebusting and His Needs/Her Needs. We both feel we need a plan to guide us and can't really afford the Weekend thing.

The NC letter needs to be sent, and if your H makes excuses you probably should consider whether contact has stopped. My H stopped the PA but hadn't ended the calls (he continued to allow her to call him - and that's how he justified it). He has since expressed real understanding that all contact must stop along with the lies for the marriage to recover.

You aren't alone - I understand your fears very well. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and your marriage, and don't make any assumptions about trust.

Take care,
ddc

betrayed wife -

Congratulations on your new little one. Since we haven't heard from you, I figured you were on the path to reconciliation.

Try posting on the recovery board. You will get lots of good advice from those who are going through the same thing.

Thanks for all of your support!

H has not written a NC letter... I'm afraid to ask him becuase he says when we talk about her it puts pressure on him. He wants to forget her and wants no reminders.

I'm also afraid that if contact has really stopped that writing a letter might make her call. I think that if he makes any type of contact with her now... since they haven't spoken in a month... that she will call him wanting to know what is going on.

We have talked about what he will do if she attempts to contact him... we agreed that he would not answer his cell phone when he sees her number. Since he lost his job it's not an issue of her coming in to the office now. Her calling is the only issue now. I turned our home phone off and we are living with his parents while our house is up for sale. So contact would not be easy. She would have a lot of nerve to call his parents home. He could call her from the home phone... but I seriously doubt it since it would be very risky. He is never alone. Someone is always here.