Alright MBers here it is:

For those of you who don't know my story my H had an A with the boss of his new unit. The A started while he was in a training class. FOW was one of his instructors...I found out prior to us moving to the new unit. I begged and pleaded that we not come here.

My H assured me that he had no other choice. As many of you here told me he did have another choice but wouldn't consider it.

Now here we are in recovery. My H has realized that we will never heal while he is working with her. It's been terrible. She calls and hangs up on me often and is just a jerk.

My H regrets the A and the pain he has caused me. He is now the perfect H and has helped me heal.

Now he has decided to leave here. We've only been here for a few months and it will draw attention I'm sure.

Here's the double edge part....the Unit he will be going to is similar to the unit we left. He'll be back on the front line. He's going to a unit that he knows will deploy and deploy often. He has not liked being in a desk position. He's young and able and feels his place is on the front.

So I'm being supportive of him. He asked me what I thought and I told him that I would be supportive of anything he decided as long as it included our being a family.

Recovery is going well but now I feel like I've pushed him back to the war. He's been through so much and seen so much death. I'm not sure I'll ever be strong enough to deal with having him back on the war front.

What have I done? Should I stop him? If something happens to him this will all be my fault. My head is spinning right now.

I can't help but think that we spent 10 years as a front line family and the last couple were literally spent with him at war. We left that unit so we could spent more time as a family. He was gone so much in that unit we had trouble staying connected. Now we had this chance to go to a unit where he would travel but would be home more and could devote more time to the family.

Now we're headed back into the absent father lifestyle. I'm not complaining about being a military wife. I'm really not. But we've done our time and need a break at least for a little while. I'm very supportive of him and everything he does.

What have I done? What have I done?

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: heroswife ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What have I done? What have I done? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The absolute best you can.

I'm not sure there is a 'right' answer in this situation. He doesn't sound like he's happy working behind a desk - but sending him front line would be scary. But it sounds like that's what he wants to do. It doesn't look like there really is another choice? Is there?

heroswife

Now here we are in recovery. My H has realized that we will never heal while he is working with her. It's been terrible. She calls and hangs up on me often and is just a jerk.

Surely there is some way to document these calls. I know you have done some exposure, and managed to keep your FWH in his job.

Is there no one in the unit that can be contacted so the FOW might be moved on, so that contact can be eliminated, without damaging your H's position?

Where's Mortarman when you need him???

I've followed your posts since day one, and you have come so far. Seek out those in the military who might be able to get a "better" solution for your need for NC.

Thinking of you,

SD

Well, I haven't followed your story very closely. And your sitch now sucks. I'm so sorry about that. It is double edged.

But, my H was in the Army for years, and I found assistance with the Chaplin. Have you tried that avenue yet? They do have some pull, and they do understand these types of things.

So, that is my only nugget of anything to give you. I apologize if it is something you have already done.

My prayers are with you and your family.

SS

H4F -

Thank you for responding. We really have no options as to where we can go from here. Technically he should stay here until his 2 years are up but the unit he is going to is a unit that can go beyond his "tour" commitment. I can't give more info about the unit but his current chain of command does not have any "say so" in his decision to join that unit.

I am terrified that I have done this. If I could have dealt with him working with her better this would not be happening right now.

Shattered -

Thanks again for coming to me with your advice. I have thought very heavily on trying to have FOW moved. I'm pretty sure that is a route I could pursue but I would not want to take a chance on that hurting my H. She is now seeing another man in the same unit (mind you there are only a few people in that unit and she's the only woman) I know the chain of command is aware of the situation because my H went forward upon my exposure to FOW's H. He told them what was going on and asked that they deal with him as they saw fit. The command decided to recognize the fact that he came forward and asked for punishment as a show of what a good soldier he is. They chose to turn a blind eye to FOW's behavior and so they basically enabled her.

I have decided to forgive her and release my guilt of not trying to bring her down. I figure she will do that on her own. I've even started praying daily that God will bless her. This has helped me deal with my bitterness and in the end I think I'm getting the most benefit from these daily prayers. I have found that if I do not do this the bitterness will creep back in and I'll be on a rampage in a couple of hours.

I'm a good wife. I'm a good mother. I'm a good military wife. I'd follow my H to the end of the Earth and back. I know he would do the same for me....right now I feel like he's doing just that. He's putting himself in harms way once again just to get me away from this place.

I'd give anything to hear from MORTARMAN right now.

Maybe D-Rose can stop by and offer advice. I think he's military.

I'm not even sure if my issue is military related at this point? I wish we could have some more family time. We've been military for 10 years and the unit he was in trained 9 months out of the year. Most marriages do not survive that type of stress. We've seen countless friends divorce and remarry and then divorce. Not to mention all the cheating and then the friends we have lost to the war.

There's a hole in my heart right now. I feel like I've sentenced him to a fate I do not want to think about.

HW - I don't think that YOU have sentenced him to any of these consequences?!?!

You moved with him DESPITE concerns that working with her would not work out - now he admits that it ISN'T working out (not your fault), and that he isn't happy at a desk job (also not your fault). It doesn't seem to me that any of these choices are due to anything you have done!

It's a painful situation, to be sure - but I don't see that you could have done anything differently that would have changed this outcome.

Spider -

I have always followed you and do like your view of things.

I have not notified the Chaplin or even tried to talk to him. Our old unit is deployed and the Chaplin goes with them. This new unit does not have an assigned Chaplin. The entire unit is a bunch of crap. And I feel terrible saying that but I see laziness and people avoiding the front. Of all of them my H is the only one to ever serve in a war and he's gone several times.

They basically speak of this job as a way to avoid fighting. We came here for a break knowing we would go back as soon as my H had had time to recover from what he experienced the last time he was over there. I'm sure some of you read some of my other posts and know that he was exposed to things that will forever haunt him.

This was our break. Now it's gone.

I just want to turn the clock back and have my life back.

Hope -

Here's where my guilt comes in. If I had been able to better deal with him working with her and her being a totally hag to me then we could finish our tour here and then move to the frontline unit.

I couldn't do it. It drove me crazy. I wanted to scratch her eyeballs out and the sheer fact that she would be a jerk to me made me want revenge. I've sense decided that I cannot move forward like this and that is why I started praying for her daily. That has helped and I have fought off the bitterness with great success.

Who knows how long that will work? Will it work for 2 years? I'm sure not...but that doesn't mean I won't try.

HW -

If I were you, I would pursue getting OW to move. You have said you haven't to not hurt H, but . . . hurt him there, or send him back to the front, or continue as you are - which you have said you don't think you can do.

Hm. I would pursue her leaving. Go to the chain of command, since they already know, and tell them that harrassment is happening. If they refuse to do anything, then your options are that much more chosen for you.

I would leave no stone unturned regarding getting her out of there. Your H goes to war, she probably gets stationed in another non-front unit. You do not have to have revenge in your heart to look out for you and yours.

And you are an excellent military wife. The life you two have lived together is not easy. My H was attached to a SF unit during the first Gulf war. Each time an aircraft crashes, each time a bunker is blown up, you have to face the fact that your H may be gone. It is terrifying. And out of our 4 couples we were friends with in the military, H and I are the only ones not D'd.

I know where you are coming from. Do not take too much onto yourself. That is how people crack and break. You are strong. You are tough. You are also vulnerable and delicate and human. Explore all options before going back to a front-line unit. Your H has done his time, your family does need this time to heal together. There is more to life than the military. I know it is hard to see that, especially during a war, but you have been given a gift. Do not squander it with wrong-thinking - IMHO.

Love and support to you.

SS

Dear HeroesWife,
This sure is the proverbial "rock and a hard place". I know how awful it must be to see someone you love in harms way. My son is a Marine, whose unit's orders to deploy to Iraq were just rescinded (for now). He'd be packing as we speak!

My point of view is that we are all God's children, and he watches out for us in one way or another. In this sort of situation, it takes so much faith to face the mysteries of the future.

Whatever happens in this situation is not your doing. H may be needed because his experience will help him to save many more lives that the Lord has big plans for.

And you are guilty of nothing. The need to decide whether to stay or go is a direct result of H's actions and their consequences. It sounds as if you have thoroughly POJAd the decision, and share the responsibility. You two made the best choice you could with the information and wisdom at your disposal.

One thing I have learned from this whole A business is that you can make yourself insane over what MIGHT happen. We must be thankful for today, and face the future with faith and optimism. I hope you can find peace in the decision. --DT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<He's going to a unit that he knows will deploy and deploy often. He has not liked being in a desk position. He's young and able and feels his place is on the front.>

have you considered that perhaps that is a large part of his dissatisfaction? that perhaps the feeling of being somewhere he didn't like when he felt needed elsewhere led to frustration that came out in a very bad way?

perhaps he NEEDS to be there. for himself. although it's hard for you, it may be what he needs to feel like he's doing what he needs to do. my husband is navy, and when he was on shore duty, he also felt frustrated because he wasn't doing what he was meant to, what he was needed for. he's so much more content with himself as a person now that he's once again in a working enviorment that fills a need in him. it's what he truly wants to do, and without it, he feels like he's unnecessary.

if this is what he needs to feel complete, then as hard as it is for you, maybe it's still a good thing! maybe this is what he needs, to feel better about himself.

it doesn't sound like you pushed him to war. it sounds like that is where he feels he needs to be. and maybe a big part of his frustration has been the feeling that he's not where he needs to be. so maybe, for him, this is a good thing.

but not for you, i understand that all to well...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i will try to make some sense but in the end will probably sound like i'm babbling. but i do want to say a few things especially since you have been so wonderful in posting to me and praying for me as well.

i'm still a little confused as to whether or not he has a choice in going to this new unit. maybe the best thing would be to see if he could transfer to the Air Force. of course i'm a little biased <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

anyway, as far as answered prayers, you know that God answers them but not always the way we want or expect them to be answered. i prayed for years that God be w/me and my H both individually and as man and wife and that God help me to be the person he would want me to be. i also know my mom prayed for us for years as well. i got my answer, it was not at all the way that i even imagined they would be answered and i certainly did not want them to be answered this way but nevertheless here i am. maybe this was truly the only way for me to make the needed changes in my life and God's will and plans are perfect aren't they?

of course my replies might be different if i knew for sure your H's choice in the matter but this is the way i see it. that God has plans for your H as well and that sending him to this new unit can in fact save lives and maybe those lives once saved will go on to leave Godly lives because of it and therefore helping even more people. like the ripple or domino effect.

what i'm saying does nothing to decrease the amount of heartache or anxiety that you are going to have while your H is away. i used to really believe in the term distance makes the heart grow fonder maybe it's because i wanted to believe it because of all the times that me and my H was separated over the years due to the military. i personally think that your H needs to be home more and/or longer right now. i kind of feel like you did POJA because of what "options" you had but at the same time i don't. maybe it would help to know more of what your H thinks. have you asked him?

as far as sitting behind a desk and him not liking or wanting to do that, well.................i'm finding that i'm doing a lot of things lately that i don't want to do or don't like because of the choices that i made and that are being made for me. i guess i'm conflicted as to what your H really sees as what he needs to do in the M. i know he's not interested in the OW anymore and probably even despises her at this point but still.....i feel he has more work to do. but that's JMO.

the chaplain was a good idea but if you don't have one to go to then that kind of takes that out as an option. you are doing the best thing you can do for this OW and that is pray for her and now that you know that now even more i think you would be able to handle her continuing to work w/your H. i personally don't see him and her ever being a problem again. but at the same time what about the other family that is being affected by this, not to mention the current whole unit?

i probably didn't really make sense and didn't say a whole lot but just continue to pray for God's will to be done in your life and your M and it will be. you can't go back and change the prayers that you said and God knows what he's doing. just take this as a huge bump and/or hole in this rough road and that you've been given the armor of God to get through it and over it. one more thing i might suggest is about what you say about having been a good wife, military wife, mother, etc. we always have room for improvment and maybe God is still testing your resolve in this and re-edifying you in continuing to be a good W on all counts as well as mother and as a child of God.

continued prayers for you and your family, RR

Hello,

I intend no malice, but I’m going to be blunt.

The answer for ME would be pretty easy: I would rather have an alive spouse working with an affair partner then a possibly dead spouse in no contact. If he is transferring to a unit that is going to be deployed to Iraq, and the unit he currently is in has no chance in going I would urge my spouse to stay put.

If he wishes to transfer to this other unit because he believes that he really needs to be fighting for his country, that is an entirely different issue.

I don’t know how military families do it. I can’t imagine what it must be like never knowing if your spouse is o.k. or injured or worse.

I guess I’m just selfish. I’d rather have my spouse with me, even if it is under less that ideal conditions. .

heroswife

Just a reminder... don't forget to make sure that you've employed POJA in whatever decision you choose. This should NOT be a one-sided decision. But then, you already knew that!

Speak with FWH about ALL the options that are within your reach. And speak to others close to you, within the military, who may have answers you might not have stumbled upon.

Unwanted phone calls can be illegal, and perhaps some criminal or civil charges against FOW might be helpful to your wishes.

Best wishes

SD

Ok, I'll try to address the questions from the last few posts.

He feels that going back to a deployable unit is his duty as a soldier. We have tons of friends over there and they are over there fighting.

I do believe that we both have a real sense of duty when it comes to the Army. I am very proud of him and all of our soldiers. I think he suffers in this unit because none of these soldiers have ever deployed and seem to go out of their way to not be deployed.

The decision to go to this other unit was something we have discussed a great deal. He does not respect himself here and feels very guilty about not being over there. I do not want him to suffer anymore. I do not want to see him hurt and it would destroy me if something happened to him. He is a soldier through and through.

I do believe that him leaving the elite unit he left to come here had a lot to do with the A. He was a legend in that unit and really commanded a great deal of respect. I think leaving that unit terrified him. I also think that the mental and emotional impact of the war played into the A as well. He did some pretty crazy things over there and he will never be the same.

I am not asking him to leave this unit to go to a deployable unit. I wanted to leave here to go to a similar unit. We are military so going to war is not an option they give you. That is not something we are trying to avoid. It is our duty...his as a soldier and mine as his support system. Soldiers that do not have training or lack the desire to serve their country in a combat position can avoid going to war. My H joined the Army to serve his country. Right now his skills are best served in the infantry. I know that and he knows that. I just wish we could have some time off from that right now.

I do not want to appear to be bad mouthing the army or soldiers. That's not my intent at all. I do not want to dodge his deployments. I just think we've spent enough time in that type of unit and need a year or 2 off from it.

This OW will eventually slip up and get caught. I cannot try to pursue having her moved. I'm a spouse and in a unit like this I do not have much of a voice....unless I were to send my story to CNN or some media outlet that would just love it. At one point I even thought I'd use that as leaverage when I spoke to her commander. But then again I've cause enough problems and do want to rock the boat anymore.

I do know that I can get her for harrassment right now because of the calls. She even involved another soldier in her little game which made it even worse. That's when I decided that I could let her play puppet master with my emotions or I could resolve myself to let her to continue to dig her own hole. That's when I started to pray and stopped seeking revenge.

I know I sound like a spineless stupid stupid woman with stars in her eyes and blinded by the love I have for my husband but I can assure you I am not stupid and I am not blind. I am trying to protect my husband.

CN -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he wishes to transfer to this other unit because he believes that he really needs to be fighting for his country, that is an entirely different issue.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He believes he needs to be fighting and so do I. We just need a break to heal right now. Not just heal from the A but heal from his previous experience in the war.

He has a great deal of guilt for leaving and that is eating him up inside.

I do not mind you being blunt. Please do not judge me and think that I've asked him to go to this other unit. I didn't. I wanted to leave here....that's all. She lives 2 miles from us and that had a lot to do with why we bought this house....of course that was before I found out or I never would have bought this house.

Rough!

Leave it to you to find a deeper meaning. You may be right. This could be my challenge to improve my abilities as a mother and a wife. I'll try to focus on that.

I feel like I'm doing the best I can right now but you are right there's always an area to improve.

I do not think the Air Force would be an option for him. He's infantry through and through.

Thank you again for your prayers and your concerns.

heroswife

I know I sound like a spineless stupid stupid woman with stars in her eyes and blinded by the love I have for my husband but I can assure you I am not stupid and I am not blind. I am trying to protect my husband.

Ahhhhh.... contrare! You sound like a strong, self-assured woman, now in recovery, making decisions with a calm, collected mind, as opposed to a shocked and saddened BS making decisions in a whirlwind of "just found out" emotions.

You are on the right track!

Keep up the good work.

SD

Heroswife

I just wanted to say I grew up in the military during the war in Vietnam, moving every year, my dad at war for two years, on TDY for months every year.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for military wives. I know what they go through.
Packing and unpacking, meeting new people constantly. The fears and the loneliness. The MIA calls...

I have no good advise for you just a whole lot of respect and admiration.

God bless you!

Weav

Shattered and Weav -

I appreciate your kind words. I'm trying to be strong not just for my H but for my girls as well.

This life has been very hard on them. I'm grown and can't imagine my life any other way. I'm proud to be the spouse of a soldier.

My recovery is going well but I do slip at times. The stress of what has happened and what's to come weighs heavy on my mind constantly.

My fear is that the decision we are making now will bite us in the end. I'm not sure what I would do at time if I didn't have MB to come to for help and support.

I've started pushing my friends away here and I know I'm pushing my H away as well. I don't mean to. Somehow it just happens...