I just found out that my partner (NOT husband) of eight years was seeing prostitutes regularly until around a year ago. The relationship has been dreadful in some respects: he refused, after the very beginning, to sleep with me, to touch/hug me and also refused to talk about why this was, always claiming that he didn't know. NOW I know why.
I don't know of anyone to talk to: my friends would be horrified. Not even having considered what has happened to be a possibility, I don't know WHAT to think. Is this the same thing as having an affair? Lots of affairs?......
I am very, very confused and upset. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

First off, Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here, but if you are in pain and need people to talk to, you are in the right place.

Second, I recommend you read the entire site, not just the discussion forums. There are several types of infidelities.

Read read read, post post post, and lots of people will be along soon to give you great ideas and advice.

Do you have any kids? Are you still currently with your partner? How long have you been together?

SS

I am still with my partner: he told me about this less than a week ago and I think that I may be in some kind of shock. We have been together for eight years. For most of these he says he was seeing prostitutes. I don't know whether to believe that he no longer does.
I don't have any children, thank goodness.
I can't really see how to proceed (or whether to). I can't separate him from the person he is having an affair with - he can always find prostitues.

I am still with my partner: he told me about this less than a week ago and I think that I may be in some kind of shock. We have been together for eight years. For most of these he says he was seeing prostitutes. I don't know whether to believe that he no longer does.
I don't have any children, thank goodness.
I can't really see how to proceed (or whether to). I can't separate him from the person he is having an affair with - he can always find prostitutes.

Why did he decide to tell you about the prostitutes after all this time?

What is his desire for the future?

Don't make any decisions for a while - most say six months and from my own experience I'd agree.

I know you're reeling from this recent revelation, and I'm glad you found this site. As others have said, read the Concepts, Q&A, and Articles sections of the site.

He decided to tell me a year after it stopped because he was feeling so guilty. He could see how unhappy I had been and couldn't bear the guilt. Now he feels unburdened, but I don't know what to do. I feel ashamed and incomprehending. If anyone else has any experience of this, I would be so grateful to hear as much advice as you can: I have no-one to turn to and I am so depressed.

He wants to get everything back to normal and have children and get married (something he refused to do for so many years.)

I don't know if this is possible - is it? Should I get married to a man who has been seeing prostitues throught nearly the whole duration? Could he make a good father?
Should I leave him? I don't know what to think. In some ways I would have found it easier to know what to do if he had had an affair - but it had never entered my mind that he might be seeing prostitues, so I have no preconceived ideas about what to do.

I am so very very confused and thank you for any advice from anyone who's been there and the support and encouragement of others. If there are any other sufferers of the OPs prostitution, I would like to offer you support in any way I can.
Futura <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Wow! Your WS may be a sex addict in which case there is nothing you can do until he admits this and gets help. The OW in my situation is a prostitute. She even brags about this and WS doesn't seem to care. We don't have any children either. He just had a baby (maybe his?) with OW, the married prostitute. WS does love kids and I know he would make a great father in spite of the A. I don't think one has anything to do with the other. The question should be can you ever trust him again. If you can honestly say you can then by all means work on salvaging the relationship. I wouldn't proceed with anything until I could.

Futura

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

On d-day two years ago, my H told me that, as well as multiple affairs during the course of our marriage, he had started seeing prostitutes only a couple of years into the marriage, and that this had gradually escalated into an irresistable addiction. He had managed to stop when he started the last affair, and was convinced that OW had 'cured' him. But when I finally asked him to leave, he acted out again, and realised he wasn't cured at all.

I found this repulsive, and baffling - we had a wonderful sex life. But I educated myself, and discovered that this kind of sex addiction is about a whole bunch of other things which are malnfunctioning in the addict. It's a world you may never have thought you'd ever have to explore - and if he's not yet your husband, perhaps you should think seriously about whether to stay with him?

If you DO decide to stay, you'll have to work out how to handle this. The fact that he has confessed to you is encouraging - it shows he admits to a problem. Read the book 'Out of the Shadows' by Patrick Carnes - he's the leading expert on this kind of behaviour, and it will give you an idea of what you might be doing to enable his beaviour - and what you should NOT take responsibility for.

No, it's not like a series of affairs, it's more like a 'prop' to cover up a major hole in his character. He absolutely must work out that hole is, so that he can find healthier ways to deal with the drivers that propel him into seeking that kind of sex. This is HIS problem - and he will not solve it without doing some hard work.

However, many people on this forum have partners who have done the work, and rescued themselves. I won't pretend it's easy, but it can be done.

One other thing - whether you stay with him or not, get yourself tested for STDs. Whores are generally careful about condoms, but some diseases can be passed via the unprotected pubic area, and condoms are not 100% safe.

I know how much of a shock this is. It is VILE. I'm realy sorry you're going through it. I hope we can support and help you, whatever your decision.

TA

IMHO, I would treat this as a series of PAs. Most PAs seem not that different to seeing a prostitute for sex.

Are you sure that he stopped a year ago? If so, why did he stop? Can he (and you) be sure he will not see prostitutes ever again?

Why has he suddenly decided to marry you now? Could it be due to guilt?

Make sure you and him both get tested for STIs, and take the necessary precautions in the meantime.

Wishing you luck and lots of love.
Be strong.

I have had experience with the opposite side of the situation that you find yourself in now.

I don't know if you would find my opinions of value or not, but I would be willing to answer any questions that you might have if you think it would be helpful.