I have done a good plan B for 10 weeks but now feel plan A is in order. I did not do a good plan A before due to time. As many of you know I am due with my first child on August 20. I know my H is starting to come out of fantasy world because he realizes by staying with the OW he will not see his son very much. That still has not been enough for him to end it.
I am speaking with him every three-four days about the baby. We are also getting visitation set up through our attorneys before the baby is born.
My H has stated he wants a D and will wait until after the baby is born. I know he is struggling. He has told me he is hurting and that he is in turmoil.
I think the next few weeks will be the last effort I will give before giving up and accepting D.
Please help with how to Plan A. I know I should be in Plan B but being pregnant doesn't really fit. I have to face him with visitatin anyway.
Should I let him come over and help with baby stuff? Should I have him help with house duties? What should I talk with him about? Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

I know my H is starting to come out of fantasy world because he realizes by staying with the OW he will not see his son very much. That still has not been enough for him to end it.
If you have been in a good Plan B, how do you know this?

I am speaking with him every three-four days about the baby.
This is not Plan B.

Please help with how to Plan A. I know I should be in Plan B but being pregnant doesn't really fit.
Why not?

I have to face him with visitatin anyway.
And?

Should I have him help with house duties?
What does house stuff have to do with the baby?

And besides, in the Plan B letter you told him you would not contact him until he ended the affair.

Let's say you start Plan A again. He sees since you wrote "no contact" until he ends the affair and now you have contact, you really didn't mean anything (including making the marriage better) as you said in your Plan B letter.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I agree with Chris. Did you see that Loy had her baby?

I had a feeling you would say that. I am choosing to get out of Plan B. I have to look out for my best interest and part of that is accepting that I must face this head on. I have to get visitation in order. Plan B was great until he showed up at my house and all of the pain came back. I have to accept him coming over and get over the pain as his visitation will be at my house only for the first 4 months!
I have read other people that are in plan A with H that are still in the A. Why is that?

I have to accept him coming over and get over the pain as his visitation will be at my house only for the first 4 months!
Why do yuo have to accetp it and why is it for only 4 nmonths?

I have read other people that are in plan A with H that are still in the A. Why is that?
Because you do Plan A before you do Plan B. You don't jump back and forth between them.
Haven't you read "Surviving An Affair" or any of the articles on this site that explains all this?

I have read the book and unfortunately it doesn't explain what to do if you are expecting a baby. I have to see him during visitation because he will be coming to our home 3 times a week to see the baby until the baby is 4 months old. Then it will be longer hours but still 3 times a week.
I guess I just won't do a plan at all. I only talk with him about custody and other business. I will keep it that way for now.

You do nothing different if you are pregnant or if you live in a big city or if you eat chocolate ice cream.

I guess I just won't do a plan at all.
Why not?
Have you considered calling Steve Harley?

Durham - As you know I am in a similar situation. I have read what everyone else has said and I understand their point of view. But not being a Pregnant BS, I don't think they can fully understand what you are going through. Unfortunately, I do.

Here is my two cents, for what its worth. Throughout all this I have promised myself that I would not use the baby. A baby needs two parents and just because WH is a lousy H, does not necessariy mean he will be a lousy father. Becoming a parent can drasticaly change people, overnight. Maybe I'm naive because I am not yet a parent, but what we do, can no longer be motivated by what is best for us. I need to do what is best for the baby. And in my case, I know my WH will be a wonderful father, and for me to deny the baby that would be purely selfish on my part. WH and I are making progress on being open and honest and he is no longer with OW (although he doesn't know if he wants to be with me) so it may be a lot easier for me to say this. But if there is tension between you two, everyone tells me that the baby will know it and react. If you continue with Plan B, I don't see how there could not be tension. You will need to be there while WH is with the baby, at least in the beginning. He will not know the babies schedule or how to care for the child.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and support your decision to abandon Plan B for now. Everyone's advise here is great, but you need to do what you feel is right for this baby.

I've been sitting here for the longest time thinking about what would be the most productive, helpful thing to say to you right now. Chris is trying to help you save your marriage and is very experienced at this. But... (and Kloe gave me the courage to say to you what is in my heart).

Regardless of the outcome of your marriage (I still think your marriage has a very good chance) you have to be able to have a good relationship with babies dad, and I think now is a good time to start. It will mean the difference between a very happy child and a child that might not be very happy.

I let Paige's dad come into the delivery room with me because I knew that it was the right thing to do. His girlfriend had even called me up at work the week before to tell me that she was making a baby quilt for me (can you imagine). I was in incredible pain because I loved him so much. But I put it aside because I had to. He even left after the delivery to go be with her. All the hospital staff knew, and he was two hours late picking me up when I was released. I was sitting in a wheelchair for two hours with baby in my arms waiting for her father.

BUT what happened after is that he is the best father I know. My daughter LOVES him with all her being and he her. We bonded in a new way and we have been good friends ever since.

He wanted to get back together after she was born (it was a few months later) but I decided not to. For a lot of reasons but mostly because he is a musician and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with the constant worry of all his young beautiful fans.

We went to court today to have his name added to her last name (hyphenated). He has wanted to for
years, but I didn't.

Anyway Durham, and Kloe - I know from experience that babies bring about a lot of miracles.

Durham and kloe...
I was in the same boat as you two not too long ago (D will be 7 weeks tomorrow). I only found MB after baby was born, but I've thought long and hard about what I would've done that last week of pregnancy. I wish I had Plan B'd. There was no productive talk except for MC once a week. He had already moved out. He was so foggy, he didn't even deserve a good Plan A, and I was just finding out and was dying inside. I doubt I could've mustered up a decent Plan A. I did expose, expose, expose during that time, so at least I did something.

I called up my parents to come stay with me and help with 2 older kiddies. He doesn't like them and avoided us like the plague. He was supposed to help with setting up the baby stuff, but he never came when he said he would. It was really awful. My family and I did it all. Depending on how foggy he is, I would think about a better Plan B. It will make YOU feel better, so you can rest and eat and be strong for your baby.

Don't think too much about a D right now. Fogtalk I'm sure. It's hard, but you really need to ignore almost everything he says regarding your relationship. I know I've suggested to you before to not count on him at the delivery. Please don't expect a sudden change. He will still be in fogland.

I'm thinking maybe use Plan A principles during visitations... the first 6 weeks after delivery, you will need help and you won't feel particularly strong. As your strength returns, you will be better able to focus on the M.

You need to pick a Plan that is right for you, durham. Plan A and B are very different, so please make sure you read again how to do them. Stick to the Plan you choose.

I do feel that it would be much different if I weren't having a child. I could just get a D and not have to deal with my H. Unfortunately I can't do that. I read about many people who are in plan B and go forever with NC.
In my opinion you can't have NC with a newborn child and still have the best interest of your child.
I have pretty much given up on our marriage as I don't see any sign of him changing his mind and I don't know that I could ever forgive him. Who leaves their pregnant wife and sleeps with someone else? I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. I don't have to settle and won't.

Call the Harleys.

Call the Harleys.

Call the Harleys. DITTO AAM.

Praying and worrying about you. Take care of that baby. If it is too much for you, quit contact.

Figure out what you want. Plan A to save your marriage? Or to make visitation easier? What is up Durham, you keep saying you don't know if you can forgive. What do you want.

Call the Harleys. I really really think you need this perspective.

Hugs.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Durham - Hang in there and do what YOU feel is right for you and the baby. Everyone says things may change for your WH after the baby is born, that a baby just isn't real for some men until it is born. At this point I would wait and see what happens. As the saying goes, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Durham - Hang in there and do what YOU feel is right for you and the baby. Everyone says things may change for your WH after the baby is born, that a baby just isn't real for some men until it is born. At this point I would wait and see what happens. As the saying goes, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.