Anyone ever think that we may be just addicted to our WS like our WS are addicted to the OP and Plan B is a way of getting over the addiction we have with our WS?

Well, Tinman, we are supposed to be addicted to our spouses.

And yes, the beauty of Plan B is that either they come back, or we get over them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, Tinman, we are supposed to be addicted to our spouses. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I'm not supposed to be addicted to my STBXW, no where in the vows does it say addicted. More like love, honor, cherish, better, worse till death do us part.

I do believe that. I have posted it before. That was the hardest part of not talking to my H each day. I did go through withdrawals from him. And I also realized that he eventually would have to go through the same pain from the OW if our M was to survive.

So now I know I have done what I expected him to do - all for the sake of our M. And he did! We are in recovery.

Hang in there. Have hope.

SS

Sorry SS I'm done with my STBXW she is to childish, immature, and absoulutly doesn't respect me. I'm at a better place where I'm moving forward with my life. I'm not getting any younger (not that I'm old) so I'm moving on and I feel good about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ah, Tinman, I just saw your post to Believer's comment. I did see it as a sort-of addiction. With my H, it was from love, honor and cherishing. BUT, I had gotten used to being with him each day, relying on him for conversation and friendship.

And when that was suddenly gone, there was an empty, painful void. However, when the WS become involved with the OP, they come to rely on that person's company, just as we do our WS. So, even though the feelings behind the missing is different (love vs. lust, etc.), the missing is still there.

And that was part of my personal growth. To not rely on anyone each day to "make" me happy. Everything I need each and every day I can find within myself and my children. Having H around now is just icing on my cake!

Don't know if I'm making sense, and this is just my opinion, from my experience.

SS

The interesting thing is when my W comes over to get her stuff I don't feel anything for her anymore and I'm better off without her in my life I can do much much better. I know take it slow when getting involved in a new relationship which is what I'm going to do. The best part is I feel like my old happy go lucky self again having fun joking around at work and just enjoying myself.

I'm sorry I'm not caught up on your sitch. Have you or her actually filed for D? And have you signed? And when will it be final? Do you have certain requirements in your state?

SS

SS I have agreed to my wifes quickie online DV. Under my stipulations. I get to keep the house and all the furnishings we bought while we were M. She keeps her truck and the debt associated with it. I take the debt associated with my credit cards and she does the same with hers. She keeps her 401k and I keep mine. So that's where we are at right now we are doing the peliminary paperwork right now. So that's where I'm at.

SS, Tinman has done an amazing job of Plan A and B in my opinion. A young man who seems wise beyond his years. So if he is giving up I can't blame him and wish him the best. I'm not interpreting any of your advice but since you said you're not familiar with his story I wanted to mention that.

Now as far as being addicted to spouse I can totally related. In fact my IC told me we aren't connected we're dependent. Previously a MC told me that I was co-dependent with regard to this relationship. While at first I was insulted by this interpretation of my marriage I have since embraced the idea. Absolutely we are dependent on eachother and THAT is what sees us through many storms. W had said to my at height of A that if we divorced we'd always be best friends. I thought that comment was bizarre but it tells me underneath it all she can't imagine actually moving on. I am equally dependent on her and that has hindered my efforts as I am too hesitant to do what so obviously needs to be done. But going back to the always being friends thing, I can't imagine being friends with her if she divorced me. So that comment still seems very odd to me. Addicted not necessarily a bad thing. I'm with you on that.

Thanks for the insight WOE very interesting. I guess I personally see addictions as a bad thing, but I guess not all addictions or dependency's are bad. Marriage is a codependent relationship where you work with your spouse to make a loving lasting life together. My eyes have been opened and I see the light.

Tin,

I'd have to say Yes, at least to an extent many a BS seems to be addicted to the contact of the WS.
It has been demonstrated here over and over when a BS Cannot stop themselves from contacting the WS, even in the course of a Plan B.

What else is it, if a person continues to take an action that causes them pain and is against their own best self interest?
If it looks like a duck...........

Yeah I'm going to have to agree with you top rope. I especially like the duck saying. Thanks for your response.

Yes I think you are right. We used to feel good with our S's before they betrayed us and I suppose we are addicted to what we used to feel with them. My H's was a top guy and then after years of thinking I knew him, he behaved like a dog on heat for a girl half his age. Everything in me says get away from him. I've always hated men who behaved as he behaved. I can't believe I ended up married to such a man. Yet whenever I get close to making up my mind to leave, logically, I illogically back away from doing it. I have enough money to live separately - so why don't I follow thru? Lately, I've settled on the idea of living out the rest of my life with him but detaching emotionally from him. It's very tricky! I have often wondered why BS's want to stay with such abusive partners. The addiction theory explains a lot.

I just have difficulty with these feelings we have being defined as addiction. I see addiction as something clinical, like an addiction to nicotine.

A marriage is, IMHO, based on a certain degree of dependence. We promise to support each other which, over a period of time, leads us to become used to and dependent on the things we get from our partners.

A WS may become dependent on the OP in the same way for certain things, like sex, when the biological urge is so strong that I can understand why people may think they are addicted.

I dont like this culture we have that explains away many of the mistakes we make as being a result of addiction. If we all took full responsibility for our actions, the world would be a better place!

Just my VVVVHO...

::::I just have difficulty with these feelings we have being defined as addiction. I see addiction as something clinical, like an addiction to nicotine.

What about exercise? That is addictive if you stick at it long enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And did you know that there are hormones secreted at orgasm that are addictive - the same hormone is secreted in breast milk to help the baby bond with it's mother.

I remember seeing a tv program that said there are chemicals secreted in the brain that help cement long term relationships after the first flush of love subsides.

So, should we set up a Relationship Anonymous Organisation to help people give up their addictive spouse? What would the 12 steps be?

I have to say after reading this post I was a litte dumbstruck.


but fear not ...it didn't last for long

I really don't give a stuff of how my husband saw his OP... however his behaviour during his adulterous affair required some certain and definate behavioural patterns.

take a look at any..gambler, drugo or alcoholic..spot the difference(I dare ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )...

and if you are going to ask??? am I dependant on my husband...the answer is no...

I depend on me.

Yup yup yup.

Me addicted to H--> H addicted to OP, internet gals etc.

Me try to kick addiction to H, turn to shopping.

Sigh.

I don't think it's addiction, I think it's the bond we are trying to break. Even when the M wasn't pretty, the bond was still there.

The twelve steps would be:

Plan B
Learn to love yourself
Plan B
Learn to love and embrace solitude
Plan B
Learn to reclaim your passions
Plan B
Forgive your spouse (forgiveness does not mean acceptance, just means you are not allowing the bitterness or anger to poison YOU anymore, but you are intent to move from hate to indifference and closure on what that relationship could have been)
Plan B
Connect with a higher being
Plan B
Heal yourself, languish in the lessons you've earned, and one day cautiously re-enter the world, and take a more "calculated risk" on romantic love again.

Did I mention Plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

madmax good attitude that's exactly what you should do is depend on you. Happiness comes from ourselfs and no one person can provide that for you. I feel so much better since being in Plan B and have found my old self again which is a great place to be. I love me now.