You keep trying desperately to prevent this. This is telling you something. Your instincts aren't wrong.

We aren't trying to be mean or hurtful, we just all KNOW. We've been exactly where you are. My FWH didn't have sex with his OW until the day he told her he was going back to his W ! Guess how pissed off SHE was ! He used her, lied to her, lied to me, it's all part of the A, it's all the lies they tell themselves. My H, bless his little heart, told so many lies during this process HE doesn't even know the truth any longer.

He's manipulating you, "I won't go if you're going to be like this"... TRANSLATED LOOSELY AS....I'm going to lay a GUILT trip on her so I don't feel so bad about what I'M DOING. " This makes me so angry.

Get in your car and follow him. Show up, unexpected, a surprise.

That is what I would do. Faced with no other options, you have to take control of the situation. You can't count on him to be truthful right now.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Please take care of yourself. Folks are right, he will do whatever he wants, and yes, he probably will meet OW. Is there any way to send a message to her folks? I know I asked that before and can't remember what you had said.

Wanted to respond to something cciyer wrote, that Plan A should go on for a minimum of three months. There is no set time for Plan A to continue. Plan A needs to continue as long as possible. Harley wrote that commonly for women that is a very short time, sometimes as short as 1-2 weeks. And I've seen some WH on the forum that have been able to keep this up for a YEAR!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Plan A continues as long as the BS can, to give the WS a chance to see what they would be returning to. But when the BS feels their love draining away, then it is time to move to Plan B while a bit of love remains. For each person that is different. Some can last longer, some have been giving or their $LB is so depleted they are not able to stay in Plan A long.

SMDLady, how are you doing? How is your $LB?

My days are up and down. I start out trying so hard but when something happens like I know he has been talking with the OW and he comes home so late his kids don't even get see him it's hard. This week has been hard and there probably was some LBing. I had good intentions. I really wanted him to see me as the lady he once loved. I wanted to leave a good impression on him that if he did meet the OW then I would be on his mind and maybe their meeting would not be what he thought it would be like.

I didn't do so good. I think I nagged him more about everything and made him see me as the wife he doesn't want. We did have a long talk about our life last night. Our good memories. Talked about our honeymoon and trips we took and stuff like that. He started to open up and seem happy. He even made love to me and held me all night. I told him all I was looking for all week was some kind of reassurance or comforting from him that he wasn't meeting her. I think in a way this was it. Or atleast I am holding on to this to give me some kind of hope.

StillHereMakingIt,
The only thing I know is her name,cellphone number, and email address. From what I understand she is single 20 year old college student. She lives in a dorm but I am sure they are out on break now. Her mom wants nothing to do with her and her father raised her but I don't know of any way to contact him.

Maybe you can get in touch with the Dean of Students at her college. The college is kind of responsible for her well-being...

They wouldn't be able to pass along information to you, but they could probably use the information to talk with her...

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

I am not even sure of the college she goes to. I just know it's in South Carolina. The only thing I can do now is just pray that he will do the right thing. His sister called me and said he assures her that he is only going down to hang out with his friend who is a guy and help him move. That she told him if he is planning on meeting her that she hopes he really thinks about what he is doing because he will be making a big mistake. Also his mother is not very happy with him. I am sure when he gets there she will also have a few things to say to him. His whole family is upset with him. I think if he does meet her this will be the first time it's all out in the open and I know he will feel some sort of guilt. I just hope if he does meet her it won't feel the same and it will be more of a goodbye.

She told me back in April I really don't know her. She is not some homewrecker and she has more morals than I think. That she is not pursuing him. I just feel even if they meet thinking they can be friends that things happen even if they both don't think so.

Just wanted to thank StillHereMakingIt for the clarification....and that's a great example of the kind of support and advice you find here. I know you are hurting, but listen to what these "veterans" are saying--in the long run, you will find the strength you need.

And I do think there are some good signs here....the fact that your H can remember the good times he has had with you....keep with the plan! Take care of yourself and the little one.....

Well my WS never called when he reached his moms house. I called her and he says he tryed to call me. I have a cellphone and regular phone with caller ID nobody called. So he must have been calling someone else. I thought he would call late last night but nothing. I couldn't sleep. I just kept having dreams and waking up wanting to cry.

I called his mom back this morning and asked if he was there. She was so sad. She said he never came home that he was probably at his friend (which is a guy) house. She said she was sorry and said she told him that he needs to stop being selfish and start thinking about his family not just himself. I tried to call his friends house but only got the machine. I am sooo sooo upset. I feel depressed and feel like spitting nails at the same time.

If he truly did meet up with her I don't think I can continue in this marrige. Especially after he looked me in the eyes and told me to have fun this weekend and that he wasn't planning on meeting up with her. I can't get them out of my head as much as I try. My mom is here with me and we usually have so much fun together doing girly things but I haven't felt like doing anything. He never had sex with this girl but I am afraid that if he did meet up with her that it probably lead to it this time since all the lies are out in the open.

So what do I do when he calls? What do I say? How can I not LB? I was thinking about not even picking up the phone. What kind of man doesn't even call to check up on his pregnant wife? Or leave a number to reach him at. If I knew for sure he was with her I would call her cellphone. Right now I have almost hate feelings for him. I love him but hate how he can just hurt me like this.

Sorry about the vent I just am so upset.

All right, what is the plan right now. Have you been in Plan A? Is it time for Plan B? If it is, when is a good time...after giving WH a good, last impression of you?

I guess Plan A even though I don't know how I can do if he did this to me again. I want to leave a good impression of myself. But I also don't want him to think that I am a doormat that will take everything he does.

And if he calls I am not going to answer my cellphone. Let him see how it feels to not reach someone that you care about. Let him worry about me for a change. I might even go spend the week with my mom and not even be here when he comes home.

Here is my idea.... discuss with your Mom.

Depending on when you expect WH to return home....

Plan A-WOL......

Part 1 ... of Plan A-WOL:

Don't answer his phone calls yourself. Have your Mom pick up ~anytime~ your WH calls from wherever he is.

I don't think you can stop yourself from LBing right now. So don't give yourself the opportunity to LB. Your MOM picks up the phone .... or else you just let the thing ring.

Part 2... of Plan A-WOL:

The day ~before~ your WH is expected to return ... you and your Mom go somewhere nice together. Some cute local tourest spot / a resort / a spa .... whatever your budget allows.

Before you and Mom take off.... you leave WH a very pleasant ~note~ .....

"Dear WH,

We decided to go have some fun. We baked you your favorite (food) and it's in the fridge along with your favoirte (drink). Here's the phone number where we can be reached ~~~(the real number, EXCEPT substitute 2 incorrect numbers by "mistake")~~~

We'll be back home (date).

Love, Your pregnant wife and MIL"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay one day later than you said. Have your Mom call WH at home when he won't be there and advise him (leave a message) you decided to have one more day .... have her call WH from phone booth so the caller ID won't tell where you really are.

He needs a dose of his own.... and if you are clever .... you Mom does all the LB errors, not you.

Have your Mom write the note with the wrong phone numbers.......

I TOLD the MB members I am sneaky .... and I am.

When you get home..... return to your very best Plan-A ..... and remove yourself physically when you feel the need to LB, and have your Mom step in instead.

I may get blasted by MB for this ... but pregnant BS are allowed special circumstances in my opinion !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Pep

Thanks for the laugh and the ideas. We must think kinda alike. I was thinking the same to give him a dose of his own medicine. I may just go to her house or a friends house but leave the impression we are somewhere else.

Where ever you are ... it must seem you have dropped off the planet.... keep your cell phone "OFF".

Pep

PS....... Plus.... YOU really DO need to relax and de-stress so be sure to try to have fun. Massage, pedicure, etc.

PPS....... Don't forget to leave a REALLY nice note and some fine food .... THAT is the Plan A part of Plan A-WOL.

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

WH still has not called. It's now 2pm. I went out with my mom and 3yr old for some ice cream and took him to the toy store. I did not take my cell with me and I turned off the answering machine on my home phone. When I came home I looked at missed calls and there wasn't any.

I now can see he really truly does not care for me like a husband should. He has been trying to tell me this for a couple of months but today I truly realize he doesn't. Even if he isn't meeting up with her he doesn't even care enough to call and make sure I am ok or check on his son. This is not the man I married. I realize he is gone maybe forever.

If she brought out the best in him then I don't like the better him. The man that can look right into my eyes and lie, the man that doesn't care about me or his kids, selfish, hurtful, distant, and so much more ugly things. How can he say she made him find himself again. Arghhhhhhhh.... He is so in the fog he can't even see the kind of man he is becoming. I hope it's not to late.

I still plan on not answering the phone for one I know I will do some major LBing and I want him to began to wonder where I am. My dad is not going to answer at his house either if he trys to find out where I am. So until he comes home sunday evening he will not talk to me. Maybe not even then if I decide to spend the week at my moms house. I need some time to get over my pain before I face him again. I cannot and will not accept anymore lies. If he wants to go that bad I don't want to be with someone like that. I want to be with someone who truly wants and needs me like I do them.

SML - I know how you feel. How could the person you married not care that he is killing you inside? For us sane, rational people it is inconceivable. From what everyone tells me on this site it is the fog and someday they will feel bad. The question is, by then will we care?

I wish sometimes I could be like him. To just walk away and not care. To turn off my feelings for him. But I am not a selfish person. I am always thinking of others before myself. How they would feel and stuff before I open my mouth or do anything stupid.

I think about how could another woman who says she feels guilty who didn't know he was married but now knows meet up with him again. Knowing his wife is home pregnant and he has kids at home. How can someone just destroy a marriage and not care. Because if she does get with him his kids will know she is the one who came between us. My 8 year old stepson already is upset with his father because he heard somethings.

How can everyone be so wrong and my WH thinks he is so right? Why can't he see that someone who made a commitment then looks elsewhere for happiness and only thinks of themselves is so selfish. How can he think that if he leaves the kids will not suffer. I hope he wakes up from the fog soon because if he doesn't maybe I just won't care one day and he will lose me when he finally wakes up. I hope one day he does feel bad for all the pain he has caused me. The saddest thing is his exwife cheated on him and hurt him really bad I never thought he would turn around and do it to me since he has already been through the pain.

Don't give up. Your WH is like all the rest - they just go temporarily insane, and are not themselves.

Thanks everybody for your support and advice. Today has been one of the hardest days I have dealt with since DDay. He still has not called but you guys have helped me stay strong. I have a lot of why's and how's but I know they will probably go unanswered by him. I am really leaning towards staying with my mom with my kids for the next week. If he does not call tonight I will go for sure. I think I need atleast a week alone before I face him.

His sister called me and told me her whole family is so upset with him. Even his mom wants to disown him. They told me to stay stronge that he will do the right thing. That he will eventually realize what he is doing and make it right. His sister said she talked to him before he left and told her he was not seeing OW that sometimes you need to get away and do things without your spouse. I am fine with that but if it's to see her that is where I draw the line. He also was trying in her words to justify everything. Saying that he doesn't know if I love his son. Which is my stepson. If that was the case why does his son want to live with me and not his dad if his dad ever leaves? Said the usual not in love with me anymore things. She told him if you have kids and a commitment then you fight for it. He said he is trying to make everyone happy. I guess including the OW.

I am so sick of this, of her, just everything. I just want to scream wake up and realize what you are doing. I know I will make it but I also know it will take me a long time to get over him. He was and is the love of my life. There has been nobody but him. Of course I had dates and stuff but he was the only guy I really fell for. He made me feel wonderful and special and so loved. I just keep thinking what happened? Sometimes I wonder if we do seperate how can I trust another man. When this one man who I gave everything to and he was so loveable did this to me. How can I give my heart to anyone even my husband again? Right now I feel like I have to go back into my shell and never come out.

I want to leave a letter before I leave. I don't know what to say. I am not the greatest with words and tend to make things worse when I do try to express myself. I just really wanting to leave something to pull at his heartstrings to make him think about everything. Any ideas?