ok its 3:11 am.. guess where I am? ONLINE! yeah you guessed right.. why? well I'm chating with an old friend, but I was also chatting with a lot of other people that I shouldn't have been chating with. I am making myself vunerable. I should actually be sleeping next to my husband, but I am not!.... I am feeling somewhat guilty...why? Why do I feel so guilty that I am having fun. I also put a photo album online which I am letting everyone go see.. of course I will not show it to MB members because they would definitely disapproved.. maybe its my payback....maybe I need to hear strange men telling me how great I look, and how much my husband's a loser for doing waht he did!
And maybe I am trying to see if I can do better.

I know all these thoughts are irrational, but I am analyzing my own self right now. I need to see where I am and what I am doing to my marriage....and I am very much conscious of what I am doing. It's not good...then WHY am I doing it? Are my Emotional Needs being met? I think so, but it my vengeful nature that's getting in the way.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: Harudah ]</small>

harudah

I'm new here but have been following some of your story. I think I need to invoke the right to 2x4 you (this is my first time...)! The emotional rollercoater has swept you up right now. I'm sure what you are doing is a normal part of BS's processing of this whole mess. You better get your butt into bed. If you want to have fun, wake him up!

Of course you are beautiful and sexy...that has not changed, sweetie! Your H is the one who is missing out right now. But remember, you are NOT on the market right now. You need to do things that make YOU feel good! Don't depend on other people to approve/disapprove/etc. Happiness will not come to you from other people, it is created from within. I know you know this.

Don't chat with people you shouldn't be chatting with...delete those pix...if you feel guilty, this is your warning sign to cut it out (like you wish your H could do). STOP!

harudah -

You're being a bad girl! But I can understand. Sometimes it gets tiring being on your best behavior all of the time.

You know all about my escapades. Blowing off a little steam is healthy once in awhile.

I'm sure you will be back to your wonderful sweet self tomorrow.

harudah,

My 2 cents on this one:

Be careful what you divulge when you chat and get rid of those pix!

Several months ago, I posted a couple pix on a singles site with very clear message that I was only looking for a pen pal. That's how most of the responses came--wanting to offer advice and help. But I also got comments on my looks and it felt good...and I knew it was dangerous.

And then by a strange stroke of coincidence, I came up as a match for a coworker of my WH's who is single when he did a people search. Of course, he showed it to WH who was deeply disappointed and hurt.

I knew it was wrong. Even if WH is the one having an A and all I wanted was friends and support, I was getting it the wrong way. It took a few weeks but I decided to delete myself from the sites and I feel MUCH better now.

LL

Know the feeling of wanting to feel like you are not a loser to be married to a WS. Need to feel special. Sometimes just needing to feel like you are desireable a "catch". However, what you are doing is dangerous. You never know who is on the other side!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Harudah
Remember this is exactly how your WH ended up causing this mess in the first place! You are not any more immune to becoming a WS than he was.

You are a lot more vulnerable in a lot of ways because you are a BS. It does funny things to your state of mind and your principles. Stay focused on your H and avoid the temptation to have your ego stroked by other men, when you should be letting your H do this.

I know how you feel but these men are fake and will sweet talk you if they think they can. Do not let them!

Sending you lots of love

uhmm.. I woke up just a couple of minutes ago... and checked my mail... one was from my H asking how I was and he didn't hear from me and it worries him when i do not write. and 29 other messages from people I do not know or don't remember lol... kinda stupid.. so uhmm goodbye photoalbum...I get bored pretty easily, I can't convince myself into a great affair...

Funny yesterday.. my husband was like.. "At work, I tell people how much of a great match we are and how everything works in our marriage..and how we communicate, we talk, have fun..and have such a great marriage. I take pride in that.. its the only thing really people can't touch in my life."

the mean response was right at my tongue, but yeah.. I remember "NO LB" I smiled and let him be proud.....he really beleives what he says.. and like the affair was in no way a bad thing for our marriage. I keep pulling out things for him to eat and keep him talking about the whole day... and he thinks he couldn't marry anyone else.....
oh well, that's his moment to shine, i let him. For some reason, I don't beleive a word he says....

Dear Harudah - I am glad you are taking those photo's down, there are alot of crazy people in this world. Please delete all those emails too!

As for your H saying such wonderful things - why do you think you can't open up and accept or believe what he is saying?

Maybe he has seen the light "At work, I tell people how much of a great match we are and how everything works in our marriage..and how we communicate, we talk, have fun..and have such a great marriage. I take pride in that.. its the only thing really people can't touch in my life... I would love for my H to say that to me, I think you have to definately not LB when he says anything like that, I think you have to open up your heart and let him in

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 07:16 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

My temporary insanity gave me a light of things!
Yes I took those pictures down and fast before my email got flood. I did not realize how many married men are looking for that "THRILL" you just have to ask and they will tell you the truth. Some OW's that say that they didn't know wether or not a guy's married, they're LYING! All of them tell the truth, but in some twisted way like "Yeah, but I'm separating soon." or "my wife doesn't care...so can I see more of those pictures..." HA HA.. mind you I wasn't naked in any of them.. its very sad.

I like going dark underground to see what the other side is like, but I can't be a WS... but I can know what being an OW is like, but I would never be.. its a DIRTY job! YUCK...
Anyways that's all I learned from my insanity. I even told some to go to MB btw.. so if you guys are flood with WS' its all my fault.

haha well.. I'm heading to bed..
H asked if I had nice clothes I can wear tommorow I'm wondering if he has something special planned......uhmmm