I have been tying to work things out with the wife and they seem to be going well she is seeming to be very sory for what happend but I have bad thoughts pop in to my head (the two of them together) and start to get angry I want to work things out but I dont know if I can recover from the hurt.....

welcome to MB Cesar.
I will have my H chat
with you. (renewingdeeplove)
I am WW-so that is my
perspective-maybe to help
you see how things happened
for her. Have you shared
your story yet? stay on this
site-there is awesome advice
to help you take it 1 day at
a time. Is your W & OM over?
when was D-Day? just wondering-
remember why you love her-
she is human-
she made a mistake. . . .
so did I . . . .
pal

The afair was ended almonst 8 months ago but I just found out a few weeks ago. and am having a hard time

did wife tell you?
are you going to MC?
tell me your story...
pal

Cesar, part of the process of forgiveness is to work through your feelings of pain, anger & grief first. Please read this thread about forgiveness, you will find it very helpful and insightful.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 04:59 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cesar:
<strong> The afair was ended almonst 8 months ago but I just found out a few weeks ago. and am having a hard time </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cesar, you are looking at least a year to get over this. You will go through periods of anger, grief, sadness and maybe even depression. Your successful recovery is also contingent on a spouse who is telling you the truth and striving to rebuild trust. I am sorry to say this won't go away overnight.

A good book that might be very helpful to you is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. They sell it pretty cheap on this website and have cheap 2 day shipping.

In the meantime, keep coming here and posting. You will get alot of support here.

Cesar -

I am the BS in my M. I can tell you that in the beginning I had the same thoughts you are having now. I didn't I could ever forgive my H for what he did. It was a hurt so deep that I felt I would be better off if I just left and started over.

My d-day was several months ago and I still have some of these feelings. I have had to dig deep to overcome my bitterness. Here are a few things I think of to help me heal

The 10 years we have been married. I do not want to throw away our history.
The realization that he is human and made a mistake.
My kids and how a D would impact them.
The reasons I loved my H prior to the A.
My marriage vows....for better or worse I married this man. It's easy to be married during the "better" times but it takes work to make it through the "worse" times.

If your wife is truly sorry for what she did and is willing to work with your to restore your marriage you CAN GET OVER THIS. You can heal your pain and develop a marriage that will be fullfilling and more loving then you ever imagined. I know it sounds like a long shot but this site and the concepts practiced here can help you if you let them.

Start by reading the books and articles mentioned on this site. Ask your wife to read as well. She may not be willing and at this point she may still be grieving for what has happened. I can tell you my H went through deep depression once he realized what he had done and the pain it has caused me. I found that in the beginning of our recovery I was the one to carry him on most days. Now he shares the load and will carry me when I have bad days....and you will have bad days.

You have to go into the resolved to restore your marriage and learn to love and trust your wife again. It won't be easy but you can do it.

Stay here on this board. Let us help you carry this load. You'll be amazed at the support you will recieve from perfect strangers who have been there and done that!

Cesar,,,

The visions are the worst!!!!!
I am only starting to cope with the visions of my wife and OM.
I myself am a recently BH and all I can really tell you is some mistakes I have made.. First of all forget about getting even,,, I did and it is only an abuse of the hurt you feel. Just dont put yourself in the position to like I did.

ANGER!!!!!! Is the killer I hate myself when I get angry. I have found a way to deal with my anger. You see when you are angry at your wife for her betrayal it is very hard to let her help you. This is one emotion I have to work out myself,, Take your anger out on something physical,, hitting a bag works great, working out, and running are great anger reducers. Instead of talking to your wife when you are angry try to vent on this forum,, I have many times.

THE VISIONS!!!! Oh man I know what you mean,,, my visions have kept me down for days,,, tried to hit the bottle,,, no good,, alchohol only intensifies anger. It is a depressent. The best countermeasure for my visions was to listen and to other members here,, There are some BH's who can really give great advice and put things in a better lite to get you through the Vision days. They do not go away but you can learn to look past them better the more you understand your wifes affair.

SELF CONFIDENSE...... It kills me to think my wife wanted someone other than me. What did I do wrong??? What did he have that I did not? He must have been a heck of a guy to seduce my wife. I know these thoughts run wild in your head.. And to this one I would tell you the cure is YOUR WIFE. Only my wifes love, communication, affection, and commitment can get me out of the sorrow. It is just so hard to let her,,, but it can be done I felt I could not even sleep with my wife again,, I isolated myself from her, avoided her, neglected her needs. Sure you have probably heard from a close friend or a family member say "Its her loss" or "you are a great man she was a fool to hurt you".. Your wife is the only one who can really give you that reassurance that you are what she wants. The great people here can guide you to giving your wife the chance (get you out of the shell) so to speak.

It has been by far the most tramatic event in my life,,, and I am also like you still hurting but its a up and down process when your up you look at the best of the situation,, "She is here with me and not him" "If she loved him then why is she doing everything she can to be with me"

Affairs may differ in the matter or details but as you will find the hurt is almost identicle for the BH. You will find some BH's in MBERS that its like they can read your mind,,, Why? Because they have been you at one time or another.

Listen to the Wifes on here who have strayed from the path by having an affair,, They will help you answer that question you ask yourself every day. WHY DID SHE BETRAY ME,,,, HOW COULD SHE BE UNFAITHFUL? You are not alone... My wife gave me all the awful details of her affair and confessed everytime she lied to me to be with him. It has devastated me. Once you understand how the affair happened and recognize both you and your wifes contribution to the affair,, it will help you answer some of those burning questions.

I was in denial,, and allways thought it was her and only her who did this she is to blame. This is true but she is only to blame for making the decision to have the affair it was her decision,, she had other options but instead took the easy path. There is no justification for her decision to betray you, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! However, as you reflect on how your wife was in the position to make that terrible decision,, your in the mix somewhere. I know I made a decision to seperate me and my wifes activities,, this set the stage for her affair. I have accepted that. No I did not make her have the affair, but I did put her in the environment where the affair began. My mistake was not doing activities with my wife that she enjoyed doing.

Marriages that go on without an affair are the marriages that have been affair proofed. There is never an opportunity or a need to be with someone else. Both spouses meet each others NEEDS. My wife had a need for me to take her out dancing every once in a while,, like a big dummy I said you can go dancing with your friends.. I know you love me way to much to betray me.. boy what a wake up call I got,,, a 2 month physical and emotional affair that has hurt me and my wife for over 2 months now.

Keep posting and listen to others who offer positive advice,, it will not just get better anytime soon. it has been 2 months for me and my wife and we both still cry about the affair, I wish you good luck and hope you and your wife work through this difficult time

Iwant to thank all of you for your support. I dont have time to give you all the details but I will this evening thanx for your support walking away wuold seem to be easier but it is not what I want to do.........

Cesar-

Forgiveness comes with unconditional love.

Forgiveness involves surrendering feelings of animosity and hatred when others step on our toes.

Cesar -

I'll throw this in but you will reject it immediately right now.

You must also forgive the OM.

I know right now you do not feel like forgiving him. I can tell you that you must do this for yourself more then for him. Yes that is selfish but it will lift a weight off of you like you cannot even imagine. This is something you have to work up to and will not happen with ease.

I have found that if I forgive the OW in my sitch daily I have a much better day.

Now you do not have to go to OM and say I forgive you. THat would be crazy and chances are he would say...."I don't need your forgiveness." Who cares what he thinks, right? Just forgive him in your heart.

Now when you decide to forgive your W you will need to verbalize that forgiveness. It will help alleviate some of her guilt...not wipe it out all together but it will help.

Try this...even when you are feeling bitter and angry...try just holding your wife. Put your arms around her and say I love you. This will help push away some of your anger and you can start to rebuild your love.

I really dont know if you have to forgive the other man,,, I think it is better said that you have to accept that all he was was the other man. Its hard enough to forgive the wife,,, Just accept that he is just the other man thats it.
I have spoke directly to my wifes OM. Thats only because wife has promised me she would tell me if he contacted her, he refused to quit calling her. I told him he was nothing to me,, he is nothing to my wife and there is no way in hell I am going to let him come between us.
Forgiving the OM INMO is not as vital as forgiving your wife. Accept him for what he is JUST THE OM which is nothing,, SHE IS YOUR WIFE which means everything.

just my thoughts.

I am posting this to fill every one up to speed on what happed

posted June 21, 2004 06:03 AM
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I have married for 8 years. I have been faitheful to my wife for that time. I have been having problems in our marrige the last two years. Soon after we married we agreed to that it was a good idea for me to start a bussiness, and I did. We worked very hard at it and now we are very succseful and well of finacialy. I made the mistake of focasing to much on my job and not enough time on my wife. I noticed we were having problems and suggested counseing several times in the last two years. Now she left me, and I still love her very much. I told her I wuold do any thing I cuold to save our marrige and work on our difrences. We had been going to counseling for the last 90 days and she has tried to end our marrige sevaral times and I have talked her out of it every time. Last night we were enjoying the fruits of our hard work. She told me to sit down we needed to talk, she confesed to having an affiar and a one night stand in the last year, the one night stand happened int the last six months two difrent guys. she was hoping for a rewaction from me to end the marrige i on the other hand controlled my self and told her that I understood that I had caused a great deal of pain and that she might have been lookig for some one else to take my place. I told her that I still wanted to wok things out. she siad she could not. I tried to reason with her but she would not have it. I finalliy gave up and handed her my wedding ring and i said ok. I told her that iloved her and wuold like for her to forgive me for not being the husband she needed. when we were saying our good byes.she told me she needed one more day to think about it. I am willing to forgive her for her infedelities and she is not willing to forgive me for not always understandig her. I dont really know what to think? If she does decide to come back How am i ever going to trust her when she has not aked for my forgivness. I dont know what to do .I am almost sure that this marrige is better of over. But i cant help that I still love her very much.......... since yesterday tomarrow came and she still does not want to comit to the relation ship I was wondering how long should I hang on.....I know she has alot emotional and psycological issues?
6/24/2004
I asked her for a divorce about three days ago since she refuses to move back in from her moms house I told that I have been trying to work thing out but she does not give me the chance to do so. She told me she feels that she does not deserve the love that I have for hewr and she thinks I would be better of with out her in the long run. So I said lets end it then she still says she still loves me very much and relizes she made a terible mistake and that I was not to blame but anger still is inside of me I think constantly of some other son of b#$% holding my wife and I go insane. I dont kow if she had a slight change of heart when I told her I was going to confront the other mans wife and tell her she has problems.Then she told me that I was not thinking of his wife or child that I was just going to wreck his marrige. I told her that he and my wife had no regaud for what I had then there lots of silence still tempted to walk away...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Sounds to me like your wife still may be considering the easy way out. Also sounds like she is trying to do it guilt free. She says she doesnt deserve you,, she does not know what you deserve,, U want her. now she has to decide if she is willing to help work these things out. There is some serious love busting going on,,, niether one of you are really capable of making a good decision about your marriage right now.
Your decision will be based on how you both feel right now. When I feel like I want to end my marriage ,,that there is no hope for me I remember DR. Harley's advice GIVE YOURSELF AT LEAST 6 MONTHS before you can make a decision.
What if as soon as I found out of my wifes affair,, I ran down and divorced her I would have done it out of hate, hurt, and all the emotions that would not allow me to even know what I really wanted.
You do know that 50% of all marriages experience some sort of infidelity,,, very few end in divorce.
You are not wrong for your actions you are doing what is to be expected from a man who loves his wife.
You cannot do this alone,,, you need all the support and help you can get. Give it time.. Man I know it is hard to show affection to your wife right now and her to you, this is not a phase.... Your emotions are similar to the death of a loved one.
Do not do some of the stupid things I did.. LIke have a revenge affair,, turn to alchohol, tear things up,,,, man I acted just nuts.
take it in stride....