In exactly 2 weeks we will be getting married. In these last few weeks I have had some doubts for the first time since we were engaged, but essentially I know this is what we both want.

My H2Bs short EA does bother me from time to time, but I have put it in perspective and we are doing very well. I only call it an EA because it definitely wasnt a PA in any way, but I dont believe it was a true EA: there was no real emotional connection or attachment.

In a very small way, I am glad it happened at this point because now we are both going into this marriage with our eyes well and truly open. We are aware of our weaknesses and the issues we have, and we have had confirmation that our M is vulnerable if we do not put the work in. We have learnt some hard lessons, but I believe we will be stronger in the long term as a result.

H2B has always been affectionate and loving towards me, and has always looked at me with oure love in his eyes, even during the 'EA'. I dont think he was ever completely in the fog, which is good. He has been even more loving since, and has been making a real effort to meet my ENs, as I have with him.

I cant say my trust for him has been restored completely, but I think that is to be expected. I am not a trusting person anyway, and I never completely trusted him, as I have always believed complete trust is unhealthy. I have learnt that the difference is that respect must be shown along with this slight mistrust.

I have a lot of hope for us, and we are both very happy at present. Despite this, we do not intend to stop working to improve our M and improving our weaknesses.

Anyway, just some ramblings on the current situation. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and add any thoughts.

good god how exciting! Wow... what colors do you have as a theme? I want to know how things look! When I decide to have a church wedding, where parents, friends... all the losers I hang out with at time (joking)... we're going to have "Renaissance theme) I love bustiers lol anyways make sure you have all this before the wedding.. 1. the husband, 2. the dress, 3.the guy that performs the wedding... and a witness hehe.. I'm joking, I know you have all this. It's very scary and exciting at the same time.
Funny how everyone dream of a beautiful wedding, well most women, but not me..... I don't deserve any of that. I was not born on that star for it. My husband is more motivated for it than I am. Anyways when we're ready, I'll call ya up! hehe
big hugs K*

They do say that a M can be a lot stronger after an A because people are just more aware. I know if WH and I get back together our relationship will be soooooo much better.

Good luck and don't forget the lessons learned here for a happy marriage.

Thank you both for the nice positive replies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Had a bit of a bad weekend because I was confronted with some gossip which scared me, but its all stuff that is all in the past.

It bothers me that people think H2B has had all these PAs which he really hasnt. We live in a small town and it's like chinese whispers.

But we has a good chat last night and I feel a lot better. I truly believe he is a changed man.
We have both learnt so much in the last year, been through a lot of crap, grown up a lot... and we still want to be together.

We have decided to move out of town and look for a new job for him. It will be better for what I do as well, because I commute to university. We have found a nice flat and will be gone soon after the wedding.

Harudah: I am wearing an ivory silk bodice and a black satin fishtail skirt. The whole look of the wedding is classic but artistic. Its going to be a great day!

ks2001,
I'll offer a different spin.

Last night a long time friend called while she was in town for a funeral. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

A few of us got together for some adult beverages and an opportunity to catch up. It was a blast!

Of course one of the first things friend said to me was, "Where's WW?" Ummm...your guess is as good as mine. I (and two of my dearest friends) gave her the rundown of my situation, (WW has had multiple A's). My friend expressed sorrow. She has recently gotten engaged, and said "Wow, that's kinda scary!"

I offered two pieces of advice to her. I'll offer you the same.

1. You can't change a tiger's stripes. That doesn't mean people can't change. But make sure that the change is internal and not external. WW and I met young. (Me 19, her 16) She was a bit more of a partying type than I had dated before. She saw that that wasn't my style and didn't drink as much and stopped smoking pot. She did these things for me, not for her. She had also "been around" a bit more than my typical girl, but I turned a blind eye to that. She has sinced returned to these behaviors. Again, I'm not saying that people can't change, just make sure the change isn't just a coat of paint. Make sure that the important stripes are pretty similar (morals, values, beliefs)

2. If you've had reason to split before getting married than do it. My WW had an internet EA about two years into our R. I forgave her, but things were never truly the same. She proved that she wasn't capable of a committed relationship with me, yet we still attempted to have one. Oooops.

Just my $.02,


Ethan

I appreciate your views, furnitureman, but I have already made my decision, based on the facts I know. Thank you for posting.

Although I appreciate the concern people have for me, I do not want to spend any more time justifying getting married to my H2B.

I found out today that I got a strong 2:1 for the 2nd year of my degree. I think that is pretty good considering that dday was 2 days before my first exam!

Feeling a bit sad today, just longing for a clear mind in the run up to the wedding. H2B is doing his best, but I think sometimes it is only when things start to go well that you start to feel the effects of what you have been through.

Im looking forward to the day though, and ultimately looking forward to being married to H2B and having a fresh start with him in a new town.

So, if he wasn't emotionally fogged-in, have you and H2B explored to your satisfaction WHY he did have his EA?

And why do people think he has had PAs?

I'm sorry if this sounds like cold water, but I really think you need solid answers for both q's.

Kathi

We have talked a lot about why it happened. He says he felt confused and he didnt feel like I loved him. This may be due to the fact that I was studying hard at the time and tended to constantly want time on my own. He says he liked the attention.

All others know is what I have told them. There are certain people who I turn to for help who constantly fill my head with doubts. When they ask me if he had PA, I say that I am 99% sure he didnt, and they press me on this and express doubt.

The truth is that they know absolutely nothing. They probably are only trying to protect me by making me question this further, but they do not realise the damage it causes; psychologically to me and to our recovery.

The reason I did not think he was completely in the fog was because he never went to the extremes of such things like ILYBINILWY and the rest. Whatever he was in, he is now completely out of it for sure.

I was having a bad day yesterday, but when H2B came home from work I confided in him how I was feeling and he comforted me and reassured me.

I am feeling a lot better today. He really is trying hard to be a better person to me, and address the issues I have. I am trying to be good to him but it is hard not to be distant at times.

I am on my own again this evening, but hopefully Ill be ok.

KS -

I hope you have a good day today. I do appreciate your post to me on my thread. You know I think the absolute world of you. I think you have been posting to me since I came on this board and I appreciate that. I will offer you some advice to go with what Furnitureman said.

In speaking of his WW he could have been my H speaking of me prior to our marriage. Not that I got around...I just dated more guys then I care to admit. My H and I started dating when I was 15 and he was 17. We dated our last years of high school. I was never really faithful...as in I talked to other guys and went out with several during our dating relationship. (Not sleeping with other guys...come on we were kids) When we got married I was 19 and he was 21. I have been faithful to him from day one. So while it may be true that most people don't change...I can tell you from experience that some people do.

You have to be the judge of that. You know your H2B more then anyone else. You have to decide that for KS.

Now having said that I'll say this; I honestly think that my behavior prior to our marriage played some role in my H's A. He even brought it up during MC. I was blown away. My view point was that we were kids...I was 16 or 17 and we were never really serious...we were KIDS and we didn't have babies or house payments and you weren't going to war....

I can excuse away my behavior all day long but the fact is I hurt him deeply. So I want you to prepare yourself for how you may react years from now when you are married with kids and have house notes and a lawn to maintain. When you forgive your H2B let this go.

I know you are going to marry him. There's no doubt in my mind that you are going to marry this man. I just want you to know that this could come back on you......and I want you to be prepared so you do not make the same mistake.

So tell us all about the wedding....we need to know about the colors and your dress and what kind of flowers you are using.

We need all the juciy details!

Thank you for your kind words, HW. I think the world of you, too! You are an inspiration to all of us.

We are marrying on a budget but I know it will be a great day. We are using the local register office, which just happens to be in a beautiful victorian mansion with big marble collumns and beautiful gardens. We are then going to the hotel where H2B works for the reception, another 200 year old mansion on a clifftop overlooking the sea and our home town.

One of the best things will be the people: it will be day filled with so many people we love and have known us both for so many years. People we have grown up with, and those who have watched us grow up.

I have never been under the illusion that what happened will never bother me. I know it may come back to haunt us in the future. But all marriages come with baggage and issues: I am prepared to deal with this. We both believe we are strong enough as a couple to outlast these things.

H2B really is a wonderful man. I dont need to make excuses for him or ignore his bad points, because he really is special. My whole family and all my friends have absolutely fallen in love with him. Even through what has happened, my most trusted friends have still insisted they have no doubt that we should be together.

I hope I am not sounding defensive again! HW, the way you and your H are overcoming so much in your marriage gives me so much hope, particularly as we do not have the added challenge of the military way of life. I hope that I am able to be as dedicated a mother and wife as you are.

Only 1 week to go now!

H2B is so excited he can barely contain himself! I am being practical and sensible.

I am generally feeling much better about the whole thing now. I will try not to let what others say affect me and make me think bad/negative thoughts.

This is so exciting!! OMG... *jumps up and down with K* YAY...

I love celebrations, except I used to cry at weddings more often than funerals, that's funny, I'd cry faster at a wedding, more than a funeral.. Like death is normal, but a wedding is like a choice and "SUCH A WONDERFUL" one.

gros bisoux ma cherie*

Harudah,
It would be great to have you there! I can just picture you in floods of tears and jumping up and down as I arrive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I dont often cry at these things but I know H2B will! And he will never live it down!

Dont ever change, Harudah. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 04:26 AM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

KS -

I am very happy for you and it is so nice to read about your upcoming wedding, the excitement and happiness on this board.

I applaud your courage which has given you the ability to trust your future husband again, and also the innocense it takes to do this. (does that make sense?)

I was to be married this Saturday, but called it off a couple of months ago and that was when I found this website. If I had found this website a couple of years ago I think so much could be different right now for us.

Congratulations to you and your H2B. I wish you the best!

Weaver

Thank you for your kind words, weaver. It would have been so easy for you to be negative, but you didnt and I thank you for that.

Make sure you do something really fun tomorrow to take your mind off it. Ill be thinking of you.

Ks -

1 week huh? Do you have the butterflies? My H was deployed to Haiti the day we were supposed to be married. I had to cancel everything. He returned 2 months later and we had a simple wedding with just family. I wouldn't trade that wedding for the big one we had planned....we didn't get our money back and I never even wore my wedding dress!

I didn't care, my H came back alive and intact!

I do remember the butterflies though. I hope you are not so stressed you miss that feeling.

Wedding can be stressful. I love finding creative ways to save money on functions. I'm sure you have a ton of them already.

Your giddiness has made my day today!

Sending you my love and prayers!

Hi HW,

I am feeling a little stressed, but mostly because of end-of-term admin for university and money worries. Its still exciting!

I have worked so hard finding ways to save money on this. I hand-made all the invitations, save-the-date cards and other stuff, all my wedding outfit was bought on the high street, mostly in sales, and I have scoured the internet for bargains.

In our currency, they say the average cost of a wedding is £15,000! I dont think one day is worth that. We have spent about 10-15% of that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Saturday night was the stag and hen nights. Had a brilliant time, even though I had a small group as I dont really know many girls. Both parties went out for the evening in the same town, and H2B moaned all evening because he wanted to see me but the boys wouldnt let him. We all met up at 2am though when the clubs closed, loads of hugs and chaos.

Scarily close now! Friday! I havnt even ordered my bouquet yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

3 days to go and I feel like I am getting ill! I am achy and quite weak and have a cough and sore throat.

Went for a massage yesterday (a wedding present) and I feel better than I did.

It hasnt really sunk in how close it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />