Sweet, gentle, kind, artistic, loves his kid. Works with computers, loves cars. Friendly, a little passive. No abusive behavior.

GC

Graycloud -- Somewhere MB seems to have gotten lost in all this.

When your wife is undecided between you and the OM, it's time for Plan B -- or so they say. Also, "they" say that you need a solid Plan A before beginning Plan B. Where are you in all this?

I'm not an expert, but I'd say Plan B is overdue. She's not "deciding" between you and the OM -- she's chosen OM, by her own accounts. Yet you haven't fully exposed the A yet, either.

I get those nasty, breezy memos from my WH, by the way. This is another reason to be in Plan B. Then you won't have to respond. Keep sending the Plan B letter. It's time to go dark.

In my very honest opinion, you shouldn't be talking to her any more. You should be focusing on your own healing. Let her pull her own head out of her xxx.

Analyzing her relationship with OM will drive you nuts. It's time to disengage.

It may be gettting there, but it's only been two months. During the past month I've seen her four times, aside from the three nights when she stayed at the house. At this point she would love plan B. But I feel I need more opportunities to show her the new and improved gray, otherwise I think she'll just divorce me and that will be it. I'm not hating her enough yet for plan B. I don't feel like I need to start preserving what's left of my feelings. They're still strong. But that's today.

GC

Oh, yeah. Also the A is exposed. My family and friends know. Her family and friends, with a few possible exceptions, know. It's pretty well out there. Uncles and aunts, grandma, cousins, they all know.

GC

Gray -

I beg to differ with your description of OM.

He left his pregnant wife and toddler for another woman. "Sweet, gentle, kind, loves his kids" NOT!

Weaver, you got that right. Not my description; I've never met this dude.

Last night I talked to OM's W for a while. She told me about how when it's time to take the child to see her father, their little girl screams and cries, no, no, I want you mommy. And she told me how she convinces the little girl how much fun it's going to be and so by the time they get to the meeting point the child is okay and goes with OM without much fuss.

And I think of the picture the sparrow has of OM's W - a controlling, spiteful harpy. The other night, at our meeting, the only time sparrow's defenses came up was when I mentioned OM's W. I told her the wife had been to our house. She rolled her eyes and scoffed. Clearly, she thinks the woman whose life she's helping to destroy is just awful, awful.

The woman I've met and spoken with is a little domineering and particular perhaps. She is aware of these flaws in herself though. She's also thoughtful, generous, and kind, and of course she is in incredible pain. A pregnant woman who gets almost no sleep.

GC

graycloud -

Glad you made it through the night. I do think it is time to start doing things for you.

Chances are very good that OM will go back to his wife. Will she post here? I think we could help her too.

It is obvious that OM's actions right now do not add up to the way he has been described.

But time for you to get busy on other things that will make you heal.

Thanks, Believer. I'll try. I'm pretty down; don't feel like doing much of anything. I feel like I should exercise a little and change my locks to keep the sparrow from bringing OM to the house, but I don't want to do it. MIL is planning to call her and tell her how outrageous it is for her to think she can bring him here.

Maybe I'll try getting some people to come over for dinner. Making a good meal always fixes me up.

GC

When you are first going through all of this it is very hard to get moving. But I promise you, that is what will make you feel better. Let your friends know that you would like to do things with them, and then force yourself.

Today I went to the health club and signed up for an advanced swim class. I cleaned my bathroom and kitchen. I weeded my garden. I bought groceries, picked up my friend at the airport, made some great Thai food, and hung out on the porch with my pal eating and drinking beer (N/A for me).

I feel a little better, but I see this long, rough road with so many valleys ahead. The sparrow has told several people she's done with me, and it's so discouraging. I can see what she remembers when she says "I haven't been happy for a long time," and it fills me with regret.

Guess I'll just have to remember the inspiring stories I've seen here and remember that look she had in her eyes the other night, like she wanted to grab hold of me and stop flailing, but just didn't have the courage, faith, and humility to do it.

GC

You have a couple of 'advantages' First, OM is married. If his W can get it together, she can save her M which would end your W's A with him. Second, this is a new A. The longer it goes, the stronger it gets. It does take a few months to burn out usually.

You can make a difference by becoming the best you possible, creating a environment worth returing to and standind on Faith. Encourage the OM's W to do the same. Touch and agree in Faith. Do the hard things. You will be rewarded. You can do this!

OM's W is having a pretty tough time. Right now, she says she's done. She can't decide if OM is foggy or if he's just not the person she always thought he was. She isn't sure why she doesn't just file and try to get to the business of moving on. I'm trying to gently suggest to her that there is hope, but she hears about things he has said to friends and she is just too discouraged by them.

OM has said he didn't want to have another child; that his W forced him into it. He's said he likes the way he is (passive) and doesn't want to change and doesn't want an assertive mate. He's said lots of stuff about "this thing we did I never liked and I only did it because my W wanted it."

I've told her, don't believe anything he says. There is little or no truth to it. He's just trying to justify his behavior.

I wish she were more determined and would consider trying to use MB. I've suggested it. But she is pregnant and has a small child to care for, and she believes focusing on her WH will just make it too hard to be a good mother. She has done a couple of wicked LBs. When she discovered the affair was back on, she caught them coming back from lunch, and when he got in her car she slugged him a few times. Last week at their last MC session she lost her temper and when he got up to leave she said "Run, run, that's what you do best." She thinks he's really cherishing the memories of those events.

Uh oh, sparrow just called. She's coming over.

GC

Gray -

Before she gets there, go to Dleigh's post and read what Ark put on there re: the "180"
if you haven't already.

Weav

I told EVERYONE I knew that we were done - no possibility for us to recover - I'd looked at our situation from every angle and there was just no way it would work, etc etc etc... Don't take any stock in the fact that she's told everyone - it's an attempt to seal the deal - she thinks it will alleviate the pain of being stuck. It doesn't - because no matter how much she wants to be through with her past, she isn't. It's like a small child who says I HATE YOU - but you know they don't mean it.

It really is an asset that the OM is married - regardless of how the marital situation is. Because it's an irritant to the relationship. She knows she will forever have to deal with the wife and children if she chooses that path.

I suspect that sparrow is coming over to get the rest of her things - and will probably be angry that you wouldn't allow her OM to come with her. Ignore - distance - detach from her anger (if that is the case). Good luck!!

Weaver, I didn't read the post. I don't want the sparrow to think I'm attached to my laptop, so I put it away as soon as she called. But I think I did okay.

When she called, she asked again if I was alone at the house. WTF?

I sat on the couch reading the Sunday NY Times (something she always liked to do - subtle, huh?). I stayed there the whole while she got her stuff. She said there is confusion about who to pay rent to at her new place. I nodded and said, "Hm." She asked what I'm doing today. I said, "Just this, right now. Later I might clean the garage." She asked, "What are you working on?" I said I was reading the paper. As she left, she stopped and looked at me for a minute. I was almost shaking but held her gaze and kept thinking, ***I'm the strong one.*** She said, "I'm leaving at 7 tomorrow morning." She's going to Chicago on business for the week. She said, "If you want to talk to me or anything just call my cell phone." I said, "Same to you." She said, "Thanks for letting me come over." I nodded, and she left.

Oof! That was hard. When she was out of sight gathering things I flat out shook and hugged my arms against my stomach. But I just kept trying to read the NYT movie reviews, and she did not see me in pain.

GC

Oh, one other thing she said.

She asked if there was any mail for her. I said, "I don't think there's anything important, but check the pile on the table." She looked, then said, "Correct as usual." She used to say that to me now and then in fun. When she said it today it seemed steeped in meaning. Like somehow she is annoyed because she is shown to be so flawed and I come across as so unflawed, or something. As if I'm self-righteously perched on some plane above all the rest of the broken and imperfect people in the world.

I probably shouldn't sweat it so much. I think I did okay. I didn't come across as angry or hurt and I was not short with her. I didn't say much, but what I said, I said calmly and without any attitude.

GC

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know how much it hurts.

When things get rough for me I have my little girl to keep me going and bring me joy. I know you don't have that, and my heart goes out to you.

Hang in there, everything is going to work out for you. You are a good person. Happiness WILL be your friend again, soon.

I hope you take time to read what Ark wrote, some good advice on divorce busting actions.

I don't have any children. My wife and I have wanted a dog for a long time. There's always been a reason not to get one. But I'm thinking about getting one now.

There was a breed we wanted. My wife is crazy about border terriers. I like them also. I'm trying to decide if I should go to the humane society and rescue some poor mutt or if I should contact a BT breeder. Getting the dog she likes might look like a transparent attempt to draw her back to me. And I don't want to do it for her and make a pawn of some innocent creature. I just think it would be good for me to have something to care for, it would help with the loneliness, and it would be something I've wanted for a long time. Any thoughts?

GC

I love my two laboradors and would be lost without them. I don't know how WH can stand not to see them everyday. Dogs are a lot of work but the unconditional love is worth it. I volunteer with a lab rescue organization so I definately think you should go to the humane society or look on the internet for a breed specific rescue organization instead of going to a breeder. You will also have the satisfaction of knowing you saved this wonderful creature. If you are not home during the day, a puppy is probably not the way to go. They need to be able to go outside a lot. Let us know what you decide!

Good grief, Gray, no pets, no kids - what the heck kind of home you running there, anyway.

Absolutely go get yourself a dog. When my daughters at her Dad's it brings me great comfort to have my cat in bed with me. And they love it when I come home from work!

Go to the humane society and rescue one...or buy one, I've done both. I have an old english bulldog now, but my last one I rescued from certain death.

If you want one like your wife and you talked about I would probably do that. But that's just me and I'm not trying to get anyone back, so can't really answer that question.