WW just called me at work. She is SAHM. Had nothing good to say. She checked the checking account and saw that I set up a different account to pay the bills. She is accusing me of stealing OUR money. I explained that this was just bill money to make sure the mortgages were paid and the bills were paid. She acted like "what? you can't trust me?"

She told me that when I leave, that my daughter said she wanted to go with me. I explained she is upset, she wants our M to work as any kid would. She sees who is being antagonistic at home. I told WW that I am not going anywhere.

This is what scared me. She said, yes you are. You are leaving whether you want to or not. She said she was going to force me out. She said it so cold, so cutting.

I'm at work, I work 24 hour shifts, won't be home till tomorrow. I'm worried she'll try to do something, make something up, to get me removed from the house.

In California, one spouse cannot force the other spouse out of the house, unless there is domestic violence.

Other than that, you have to go to court to get the other person out. Check out the rules in your state.

Well, I've never been in this situation, but from others' experiences I would say that the first thing to do is document everything and have someone with you if you can. This would be a good time to start a journal noting phone calls, incidents, etc. You might want to see a lawyer first possibility. But, write things down. Make a note of anything that happens that could affect your contact with your child. Be calm. And assume the worst. If you make notes and never have to use them (or copy e-mails as I did) that's great! If you do need to use them, they're there. Plan for the worst, but expect the best.

You probably should have talked to her and explained what you wanted to do about the account before, instead of just going ahead, yes?

With things being adversarial she probably interpereted this as you doing something underhanded, making plans to leave her broke or something.

She might be talking to someone who is telling her not to trust you, to get you before you get her etc., a lawyer maybe?

She is upset right now, also scared of losing her daughter. She has her back up.

Saying I am not going anywhere, sounds like a challenge.

You probably meant I love you and I am here for you, but she heard it differently.

Maybe call her back and tell her you do trust her, and that you are sorry you didn't discuss it with her.

Reassure her that you love her.

It sounds like she is on a tangent. If she is still going on about things, say you both can talk about it later. Don't LB, don't let her engage you in an argument.

I think she is scared.

I thought she was going to Vegas?

I know you have spoken to lawyers so you should know what she can/can't do as well as your rights here....

If these questions haven't been addressed, better get on it.

I pretty much disagree with Shul...you don't trust her right now. She doesn't have your family's best interest at heart, whereas, you do.

Read: "Love Must Be Tough", by James Dobson

You can be clear that you love her and until she is more responsible with her spending...ie. high cell phone bills, airplane tickets, etc....you need to protect the family income. You have no responsibility to financially support her A.

I would take any and all steps cut off all funding used for that purpose. The family can temporarily do without the internet if necessary, (or just use password access and lock her out.) If you explain it to the kids, I would think they would understand. They can go to the library. Maybe it would just be for the summer. You can cut off her cell phone. I raised my kids without one. Stop long distance service on your home phone. I know she can find ways around some of these measures, but if you cut most of the flow of money off she will have a difficult time.

At this point, if anyone is moving out, she should be the one to leave, and without the kids. That is what she is seeming to plan with the OM. Who the h@!! does she think she is?

I don't think that she can legally lock you out of your home or force you to leave. Protect yourself with the proper legal advice.

You can always let her know that you love her and want the best for your family. But you still may need to show her you are serious about protecting your kids from her and her A.

At this point she is just using you to facilitate her A. You have been a good provider and she is only showing you contempt and disrespect.

Be firm, strong, loving, consistent, faithful. Try not to be scared into failing to protect yourself and your kids.

Get all the proof you need...there are websites that have spyware etc. voice activated recorders.
If she goes away to Las Vegas..how about hiring a PI to get photos...I imagine that can be costly. Are you able to get her ticket/hotel info. for an emergency ?

Sorry SHUL, gotta agree with Trix on this one.
She has made her intent and plans clear. Just because it isn't working out the way she hoped (and that's what's happening, trust me) she can't expect him to change his life further.

Your interest is protecting your sanity, your life, what you've built, your family and your child. Your WW has her head so full of Fog she doesn't realize how ridiculous she is being.

Think about this outside of the emotion.
I think a STRONG plan B is inorder. Start getting your evidence together. There is a consequence for the decision she is making, you shouldn't have to suffer through more of her ignorance.

I would call my attorney right NOW, in fear she may change the locks or something. You don't want to be last man standing. Be proactive, do not communicate your actions, just protect yourself.

Keep us posted, sorry for the anger, I just feel horrible for what she is doing right now to you and your family.

I don't think I'd be upset if she went to stay with friends. But she won't leave either.

Usually she does the shopping but I did it this time and am planning to continue. I should give her some pocket money however for gas and such. She started working once a week about two months ago(I found her the job) and she could work more often if she wanted to.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Watch out for fireworks when you get home. She is going to be furious. Rest up in the meantime.

I suspect there will be some fireworks for sure.

Meremortal, I read the "love must be tough, by Dobson" link that you provided on the plan A/B board. I don't think what I'm doing is in line with his method. I have not been clingy for the past month, but I have made remarks about saving the M and some brief remarks about her relationship with OM.


I'm also afraid she'll really open up with the credit cards now.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

You can always cancel the credit cards. I was too thoughtful to my WH. He went through our money like crazy, all the while denying it, even when confronted with the bank statements.

Why don't you cancel the credit cards?

This is the worst case of intimidation I have ever heard of. Its completely terrible. Dont let her push you around and make it clear that what she thinks on the matter is completely irrelevant.

"she says 'What, you cant trust me!!'"

WELL YEAH...

I cant imagine in this world someone questioning my trust for them immediately following the unfortunate concept of infidelity.

This enrages me FM It really ticks me off to see this crazy psycho taking you for a fool. Then you make an act of strength and she puts you down in it.

She is trying to make you weak and eats any weakness you give her.

Please take Shuls post with a grain of salt. It really wouldnt be in your best interest to do that.


You gotta cut her off FM. If she is that dangerous with money you will be burried by the end of next week. Cancel the cards and eliminate all possiblities of her getting anything under her name. Ask someone, a friend family member or something to help with the shopping. DONT GIVE HER A THING.

She will challenge you and attempt to make you weak as much as she can. She is an expert in manipulation and she doesnt care to who.

prayers.
l4f

Anyone who has committed a cannot be trusted until they earn it back. It might have been better if you told her what you were doing first but probably you would have seen the same fireworks.

In New York, you cannot be kicked out of the marital home except for violence and sometimes A. In fact, anyone who leaves is considered abandonning the spouse and can loose custody, etc. even if they bring the children with them!

In the end, this is a lawyer question but if your daughter is a teenager and your wife is serious about the two of you not being together, I would try to get custody, even temporarily until you work everything out.

Familyman- Do not let her push you. She is wacked out right now. You give her an inch and she will take a mile. Stand up for yourself (without being mean) in all of this and she will respect you more regardless. Otherwise, I am telling you, she will keep pushing.

FM
Been keeping up with the boards and I must say that this is now the time to act. You NEED to contact a lawyer. Hope you have by now!!! This is exactly what happened to me when my WS forced my hand to do things I would have never done. I must agree with the most of everyone. You need to stick with what you have done. She is mad because SHE is not controlling what is going on!!!Remember all the things she has done in the past month----did you have any say???? You did nothing wrong. As far a telling her ahead of time----BE REAL---that would have gotten you no where. Be prepared for more fireworks----that is why you need to talk to an attorney now AND protect yourself. You confidence in what you have done will only be strengthened after you have talked to you lawyer.-------your lawyer even told you to do this. Be sure you are not alone with her she seems to have no end to her nerve. She cannot believe that you are standing up for yourself.

FM
Must agree with most posts. You need to act NOW and talk to your lawyer. Hope you have done so today!!!! This is the same thing that happened when my WS forced my hand to do things that I would have never done. My WS was so MAD that I did not act according to my usual self. Your WS is soooo-o mad because she is not controling this action. She has been in control for the past months. It's almost a "How dare you stand up to me." She is a wild women now and you need to know your rights so you will feel comfortable with and any further actions you may need to take. As far as talking to her about this before hand "GET REAL" You might have not made it out the door. Talk to your lawyer---you are within your rights and you need to now this for your own convictions. Acutally you were told to do this--NO? That means you did nothing wrong--your lawyer would never tell you to do something that would hurt you. As far as your daughter goes------Your WS must really have a distorted view of things. She is acting like she is innocent in the whole thing.
God Bless you!!!!!

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: been/there-done/that ]</small>

FM
Must agree with most posts. You need to act NOW and talk to your lawyer. Hope you have done so today!!!! First you need to calm down. This is the same thing that happened when my WS forced my hand to do things that I would have never done. My WS was so MAD that I did not act according to my usual self. Your WS is soooo-o mad because she is not controling this action. She has been in control for the past months. It's almost a "How dare you stand up to me." She is a wild women now and you need to know your rights so you will feel comfortable with and any further actions you may need to take. As far as talking to her about this before hand "GET REAL" You might have not made it out the door. Talk to your lawyer---you are within your rights and you need to now this for your own convictions. Acutally you were told to do this--NO? That means you did nothing wrong--your lawyer would never tell you to do something that would hurt you. As far as your daughter goes------Your WS must really have a distorted view of things. She is acting like she is innocent in the whole thing.
God Bless you!!!!!

Mel,
As I mentioned before on another post, she has at least one card in her own name. She used my income to get it. I don't know if she has others.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

fm
sorry about all the posts. my computer is really going crazy cause of these storms.
Crazy buttons!!!