An introduction...
I am new, this is my first post. I decided on this message board because, as per the "newbies" advice section, this is where I find the most common threads with my story. I am married for the third time, this one for 5+ years and incrisis (thus my being here) Each marriage has had infidelity of one sort or another involved.
First time, I was the BS, but that really did not play into things at all, as I was also a horribly abused wife and that was the reason I fled. Yes, he cheated on me, causing great pain but nothing compared to the abuse.
Second time around, H and I were both stupid and stubborn, and I was the WW but he did not know At least I don't think so. So, I know how easy it is to fall into this situation.
Now, this marriage, which I thought was finally "right" is in deep trouble. It was in deep trouble long before the EA started, and now that the A is out, I am struggling. I am the WS in this equation. No PA, but certainly was treading on dangerous ground. I have not broken contact, can't seem to do it. Plan A seems impossible at this point, and I realize that I am suffering an addiction of sorts.
This marriage went awry due to poor communication and a LOT of LB, admittedly on both sides. In a nutshell, I was fed up with a situation of S's unemployment and general financial irresponsibility. There are some associated mental health issues there too. Many other things sprang from those problems, and then took on a life of their own. I am a proactive person, he is more reactive. I have goals, he never did. A lot of things I should have seen before marrying I missed in the cloud of new love.
I am struggling of course with the EA. It started as most do, innocent acquaintance becomes more, and before you know it you are hooked. I had already seen an attorney, and as recently as one month ago I had papers drawn. They have not been filed. I have struggled to keep the OM out of my thinking, but I know that's a losing battle. I have no illusions that leaving one man for another will cure my unhappiness; only I can do that, with God's help.
My spirituality has been what has kept me from crossing into the PA, and luckily the OM has the same values. We both realize where this could be heading and that our restraint likely would have failed us at some point. I have also been unable to reconcile my spirituality with the idea of leaving my marriage, no matter what the situation.
How have others struggled and what has helped you? I know I need to enact a Plan A, now, but I am so sad at the thought of not having this OM as even a friend (like that's even possible).
To be honest I can't see this marriage really working out in the long run. There are so many issues at play, of course, and I would have to write volumes to hit them all.
Yes, I know that sounds like I am trying to give myself permission to proceed with the PA. I;m not - I have no illusions that starting another relationship would in any way be healthy, nor would it bode well for the new relationship.
Whatever decision my H & I eventually come to, I do want to be at peace with it, knowing that I have considered all options and avenues. We have been to MC, and I have sought IC. We have leaned on our church resources as well. I recently decided, due primarily to financial reasons, that I could choose to be negative or choose to be cooperative and see what happens. Staying here is a decision I can look at myself in the mirror having made it. But that does not mean I am happy.
Me
<small>[ June 25, 2004, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: Singing for Supper ]</small>
