WH and I opened up the lines of communication this week. Our 3rd Anniversary was Wed and he left a note in my car. He apologized for what he did and for hurting me (first time he said that) and wished things could be better between us. We exchanged e-mails this week. Basically he said, he again wished things were better between us but they're not. He doesn't want to move back home for the wrong reasons (i.e. for the baby and not because he wants to be with me). He said this several times. He doesn't know if he wants to be tied down, he likes his freedom and being on his own. He did admit that he had a lot of freedom when he was with me.

I replied back and acknowledged my part in our failed R and apologized. It told him I loved him and wanted to work on our M, the door was open, it was up to him if he wanted to come in.

He replied back that he has noticed the changes in me (my gosh this Plan A stuff does work!). He did say "I wish I was ready to come home because you want me still in your life and because of the baby, but I am not ready. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that the timing isn't right for me to come back. It might be because I am not ready to settle down again and work at our M. Yes, we should work on our M and try to save it, but at this time I am just not ready to do so or don't even know if I ever will be. I have no idea if I can ever be married again. I have issues that I need to resolve before coming back into our M." In the next message he stated "I want to be committed to you and only you if I come home."

I don't believe he is still sleeping with OW but last time I asked him if he still spoke to her her (this was three weeks ago) he said he did and they even went to the same happy hours (they work together). I didn't handle this too well and went off on him that he was still cheating on me and he was just an adulterer who walked out on his pregnant wife. Might not have been the best way to handle the situation or it may have made him re-think what he was doing. I have no idea.

Any thoughts? I want to be be hopeful, but everytime I am it turns around and the crash is just so painful.

kloe - I don't want to hurt you, but basically he is saying he would like to continue the A just a little bit longer.

To add to believer's reply "and know that you'll be waiting for me when everything comes crashing down around me."

So what do I do?

Who is your WH living with?

He is living with his Mom.

Why would he bring up all this relationship stuff if he still wanted to continue the A? We were talking some before this just no R talk. He brought it up, I just replied to what he said.

Also, why would he choose now to say he was sorry for the first time? I'm grasping at straws but couldn't it be that he is just so confused and he doesn't want to hurt me further by coming home when he is not sure of his feelings?

When I sent him an e-mail thanking him for the anniversary card and telling him I appreciated what he told me in the card; he said "I want to be open and honest with you. I wouldn't say or write things if I didn't mean it." He is the one that invited me to go to dinner on our anniversary, I was going to just let the day pass.

I don't think I have done anything lately that would make him think I didn't want him back or anything like that, so why would he change now if he still wanted to continue his A? It just doesn't make sense to me.

<strong> Kloe72L: ..... Basically he said, he again wished things were better between us but they're not. He doesn't want to move back home for the wrong reasons (i.e. for the baby and not because he wants to be with me). He said this several times. He doesn't know if he wants to be tied down, he likes his freedom and being on his own. He did admit that he had a lot of freedom when he was with me.</strong>

Orchid: Double talk. Fog babble. Ask him if you told him that how would he react. If he doesn't know this much about himself, his license s/b revoked. Of course this is what the A does to one's mind. Let him know that his statement is something you have heard other WS make to their spouses. He may find out he isn't the only one mixed up. Funny how the WS can see the straw in the other WS eye but not their own.

Notice how he says he wants his freedom and then says he had a lot with you. Everything you posted is almost exactly what my WS told me. I informed him he was babbling and not coherent. Then told him when he could speak in a way I could understand, he could let me know.

<strong> Kloe72L:He replied back that he has noticed the changes in me (my gosh this Plan A stuff does work!). He did say "I wish I was ready to come home because you want me still in your life and because of the baby, but I am not ready. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that the timing isn't right for me to come back. It might be because I am not ready to settle down again and work at our M. Yes, we should work on our M and try to save it, but at this time I am just not ready to do so or don't even know if I ever will be. I have no idea if I can ever be married again. I have issues that I need to resolve before coming back into our M." In the next message he stated "I want to be committed to you and only you if I come home." </strong>

Orchid: Ok, you have already let him know you would consider waiting for him. From now on, you should let him know that he if he entertain thoughts of coming back, he needs to do his share. Not time for less work on his part. The longer he stays out the more he is required to do. Why? Because the damage he needs to fix becomes greater. My WS also told me about his wanting to commit to the M if he came home. Basically the WS is babbling back your words to you but it doesn't make sense, does it? Why? Because it is intertwined with his desire to stay out and be a WS a bit longer but he doesn't want to admit that to you. You though can call him on that point.

Finally, practice on any future communication. From this point forward, do not show yourself anxious for his return. Remember he is preying (not praying) on the fact that he can keep having the A (addictive or by choice) because you are now 'enabling' the A by waiting for him.

You are now close to having to enact plan B with his current attitude.

Read up on plan B and see if you are ready for it.

re: His above conversation was highly disrespectful.

It w/b better when he says stuff like:

WS: I want to come back but not sure if I am ready.
BS: Well I think I may want you back but I am not sure....... (let your voice trail off).

Is this an illogical move? Yes it is but seems to work for fogese. Remember he is trying to get you to enable the A. You don't have to act like you want to do that.


JMHO,
L.

I guess I just know anything any more. I thought this was a positive step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time that he opened up to me. I thought it meant he was sorry for what he did and for hurting me and now he is trying to do the right thing. I thought maybe he was confused by his feelings (i.e. in withdrawal) and didn't want to subject me to those times. And that was what he needed to work out before he could make a decision about us. Throughout all of this, he has never been cruel (other then the actual A) like I have heard about other WS's. I have already told him he will be a part of the baby's life and I will not use the baby between us so I don't think he is just trying to make sure I'll let him see the baby.

I just don't know what to think or do any more. I want to be so strong but I feel so weak and pathetic. I just wish I could stop crying and feeling depressed every single day.

{{{Kloe}}}

Sending prayers your way.

Kloe - he's a WS...WAYWARD spouse. He's on the run - from himself. You're looking at his words as if they're from the mouth of your H - they aren't, they are from the confused mind of a WS.

He knows you love him - he knows you want your marriage to work - he knows you're willing to make changes (and have made changes) to be a better partner.

At this point the ball is in his court, Kloe - but he has no real consequences pushing him to make a decision.

Plan B is to protect you - and it often wakes the WS up to what they might lose.

So what do I do now? We are suppose to have lunch tomorrow (his idea) after he comes over to take care of the yard. Given my current state I don't think I can go to Plan B. Should I confront him and ask him if he is still seeing OW? I'm afraid to push him away right now when he is finally starting to be making steps to come back to me.

Kloe,

Right now the best thing is that since you are in plan A, to see him but NO Relationship, Marriage or A talk.

General conversation about the baby, yard, etc.

Be pleasant but not whiney. Try not to cry just as if you are talking with a gardner or other service person coming over to do a job for you. Be courteous and pleasant.

Go to lunch but avoid any talk of the A. He will see that as a bit of a relief and depending on his personality it may take a while for him to wonder why you are not hounding him about the A.

No more ILY statements either, ok? Just for now.

You need to pull back a bit since his words are still disrespectful and hurtful. I know you want to hear more but he is still in the fog. He is still trying to justify his A and wanting you to enable him.

Don't fall into that trap. You are at a bit turning point and how you handle this along with how he reacts will be important.

For now gather your composure and relasx. Sit back and watch. Believer did this piece well. It isn't easy to watch when you are the giver in the match. But your taker needs to be given a chance also.

If he says he loves you, thank him. If he says he wants you, thank him. If he asks if you love him, tell him something like you'd like to....... don't be too commital on that subject. Let him know it is getting hard to love one who is inflicting so much pain. Those are words that he will carry with him. WS' don't like guilt. That w/b a tool you can use.

You will get the hang of this plan A and B stuff soon. Practice.

Watch out for the WS sweet talkiing tactics. Remember you don't have to buy his line if he is dishing it out will bull.

JMHO,
L.

We normally don't have R talks when we are together so that wouldn't be unusaly. When we went to dinner on Wed. we just talked about what was going on in our lives, it was nice and easy. All the R & M talk is via e-mails that he sends me and I reply to. I don't ever initiate any of the contact. It is him that calls me, e-mails me or comes over. The only time I e-mail him on my own is to tell him about the baby, like after I get back from the doctors.

Kloe,

JMHO, but if you tell him about the baby, then where is his need to ask you? See if you meet his needs without requiring him to put the effort, why should he put any effort? This is where the enabling comes in big time. Often the WS will even try to guilt the BS into doing more dirty work.

Believe it or not, kids do the same. The Ws has regressed but it sure doesn't make it easier to deal with.

I would even communicate less and let him ask the questions. The more he asks and the less you tell, the more he may wonder what you are up to . The more he wonders, the more time he is spending his thoughts on you and the baby. The more he does this, the less time his mind has for filling it with the A.

It is a crazy ride to be on. See if you can unload the pressure back on him and you just sit back a bit.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart along with a lot of patience. You will see it through and hopefully, he will come back to his senses.

This is an exercise for both of you but your part may be to do less.

JMHO,
L.

Well WH stopped by this afternoon to drop off his motorcycle in the garage. Earlier in the day he told me he was just going to do this tomorrow when he comes over, so I wasn't expecting him. I was pretty quiet this visit. I just kept reading my book. He asked a few questions (not R or M ones) and I was pleasant when I answered but I did not offer up much. He ended up staying for about an hour watching the golf tournament. He'll be back at 9 am tomorrow to cut the grass and then we are suppose to go get something to eat. We'll see what happens.

WH came by this morning. He was cutting the grass when I got home from church (where I was praying for him). He ending up staying 3 hours after finishing up outside. He went and got bagels for us to have for lunch. We watched tv together and actually talked and joked during the shows. He just left a little while ago on his motorcycle which means he has to come back later today to get his car.

Going to church this morning really helped. I haven't been much of a church goer since I was a child. The sermon hit very close to home. It was was about why god lets bad things happen. The pastor said this was to bring us back to the right path and to God. Our trials and tribulations shouldn't be with our WS's but with God, because he will take care of us. I have to agree with this, because looking back on my life I was not headed in the right direction to be a very good person or a good mother. I definately feel I am back on that path, although I know I still have a lot of work to do. If we put our trust in God he will take care of the rest. It is hard to let go and do that but I really feel I need to do this.

Now that I have the Why question answered, I just neeed to figure out where I am suppose to go from here.

I just went out to the garage to get a bottled water and noticed that some time today WH cleaned the garage windows. This has needed to be done for two years, the previous owners name was written in the dirt. I mentioned to WH this week that I wanted to do it, but kept forgetting because I only noticed it when I was leaving the house and the garage door was closing.

Not sure why he did it, but it means he is listening to me. And for some reason did it. I sent him a quick thank you e-mail.

Kloe, I think you may want to be careful about letting him ease his guilt with all this bagel fetching and window cleaning. It must feel great to have him making any kind of effort at all. And I don't know if letting him do those things is all bad. But I suspect his actions could just be a guilt valve. Don't know. I wish somebody more expert, like some FWS, would comment on this. I've been curious about it for a while. I've personally thwarted my WW's few recent efforts to do household things.

GC