I was a full time student when all this happened and was always encouraged not to have a job while in school by my H and family. Now that this has happened I've been forced out of my home and across the country. (We were living with his parents, that's why I was the one who had to leave everything behind).

Everyone is broke. I've been told that there can be no financial help from him or his parents. My parents offered to do what they could but are also in financial difficulties from having to come and bringing me down to them. I can't stand being so far away but H doesn't want me to move back up. He says it's for financial reasons and because he doesn't feel comfortable knowing that I could be around. I really hate it down here. Everyone is trying to convince me to stay here and I don't know how much more family I can take.

I can't even afford to move back to the same state as my H. I don't want to get a job down here like he keeps suggesting because I don't want to be down here that long. I'm driving up there when I go, but I can't find anyone to come with me because they'd have to fly back and I can't afford to pay for that. I'd go alone but it just doesn't seem safe to travel cross country alone when I've just started driving on highways last week.

My plan was to drive back up there. I have rent money for the first month. My parents would be able to help me for the first couple of months but I would have to find a job both to pay for rent and food but also therapy. When I was in school I was able to see the counselors there. Down here my mom's therapist has been seeing me and charging my mom's copay because my insurance doesn't cover it. I told H that if he does agree to go to therapy with me in the future that I would pay for it somehow so there's that as well. I could stay down here and continue to see this lady but in doing so I think that my relationship with H will just drift apart (at least on his side). Besides, I don't even like the therapist here. She basically is telling me that the marriage is over and that I need to stop loving him. I've only been down here 2 weeks but this time has been hell. I'm hoping to get back there in the next couple of weeks but everytime I get excited about it I get brought down by everyone pressuring me not to go. I really miss him. How am I supposed to try to mend things when I'm 1200 miles away? Is there anyone else in this situation? How are you coping with the distance?

I really wish there was a way that we both could just pack up and start somewhere else. Unfortunately, his career doesn't allow him to just relocate. He would have to start from scratch and rebuild his career. Since I don't even have a job to relocate I wouldn't be able to help out with money so it's just not feasable. I wish it were. I always loved going and watching him teach his classes. Now I don't know if I could even show myself there again being that everyone knows what happened and that she is still there. He says if I move back up there he's afraid it will be too hard on me because I'll be putting myself at risk for running into things. I'm not sure if he meant people or him.

I really don't know what I should do now. My parents don't want me to go back to him. I can't go back to his parent's house. They are being very cold to me because of the way I treated things and because they wouldn't believe that their son would do anything like this. I think I've found a room to rent but the person renting it wants to meet with me before deciding on renting it to me but I can't even find a way to get there to meet her. Plus I'm scared about commiting to a rent agreement because I'm still hoping to work things out. Then I think, even if he does decide to work things out how could I ever move back with his parents? He has so much credit debt that even if he puts his entire paycheck into that he says he won't be able to move out of there for another 2 years. I wish I knew the way out of this.

I think you should get a job and stay where you are. Then see if he continues to want to work on your relationship.

How far did you get in school?

Why is there so much credit card debt?

I only have one year left in school. My major isn't offered many places and I really don't want to lose credits by moving to another school.

The other thing is that I can't stand being in this city. I've hated living here all my life. My family though caring is really controlling. No matter how hard I try I never feel like I'm ever able to do what I want to do when I'm down here and I'm constantly taken advantage of.

As to the debt, H blames me. He says it's because he's had to pay for my cell phone bill, my tuition, and the wedding. First of all, my cell phone is an add on to his account. Secondly, my dad paid for the entire wedding. All H paid for was the honeymoon in which he made all the choices as to where we went and stayed. As for the tuition, he's had to pay maybe twice. He thinks my dad should be paying for any expense I incur.

He also says that we ate out a lot and that caused a lot of the debt and I can see that but he says the only reason we ate out was because it was something I wanted to do which is not true.

He spent this last year spending a lot of money on trips to California and Las Vegas for tournaments as well as buying top of the line equiptment. Even when we were already in financial trouble he bought 2 bikes for training; each over $1000.

We talked the other day and he tells me he didn't trust me with money and that I have a spending problem. He had always told me that we were in a lot of debt but I didn't know how much and I always saw him buying things so I figured there was some money. When I found out just how much debt we were in I practically stopped spending any money. The only money I spent was on existing bills. There was a period of time where I only had $3 in my bank account so he gave me $20 to get out of the house. I kept that money for about 3 weeks until I had to use it to pay for a cab to get to school. During this time he continued to spend hundreds of dollars on accesories for his bikes.

I'm barely keeping myself together here. I just want to jump in my car and leave every second I'm here. I don't want to get stuck here and that's how I'm feeling about it right now.

You need to get a job and go back to school. You are too close to graduating. Can you get a loan or grant?

Right now I'm just trying to appeal my school's decision to dismiss me as a student. All of this came out about 2 weeks before finals and I was asked to leave my house a week before finals. Since I crashed my car the day I found out about what my husband was doing I didn't even have a way to get to school to finish the term. I'm trying to get a job up there from down here but that's pretty much limited to Walgreens and grocery stores. I only have experience in retail and I remember how unhappy that made me but I may end up doing that if I can't find anything else.

I still have to make time to study though. I've fallen so far behind. H says that he's now 2 months behind with his work and doesn't think he'll be able to make it up until the beginning of the year. He says it's going to take all his energy just to do that but I don't know if he's just using that as an excuse to not work on us.

How about a grant? A student loan? This situation seems very hopeless to you, but I see many possibilities. But you need to forget husband for awhile and work on you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> I only have one year left in school. My major isn't offered many places and I really don't want to lose credits by moving to another school.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ivory, the way I see it, you have no say in your life unless you foot the bills. Unless and until you get a job and become self supporting you must do whatever your parents, or whomever is supporting you, says. You don't have a leg to stand on, and are at their mercy. It always comes back to responsibility.

With FREEDOM comes responsiblity, and until you take responsibility for yourself, you will not be free.

See, your real problem is not money at all. Its that you haven't taken the initiative to EARN the money and take responsibility for your life.

I had a job but left it in order to go back to school. H and I had an agreement that he was going to help me with school and I would then become the main source of income. I don't have a job now because I was trying to put my attention toward school. I offered to get a job on many occasions but I was encouraged not to. It never crossed my mind that I would be back on my own without an income. I AM trying to get a job now in order for me to pay for myself when I go back up there. I'm not relying on anyone to pay my way anymore. That's another reason why I want to leave here now. As long as I'm here my parents want to pay for everything and I don't want them to. I want to pay for things on my own. I don't want help but I know that at least the first couple of months there's no way I can do it on my own. It's not that I'm not taking responsibility and I think it's horrible that you would even say that because I'm trying my hardest to get back on my feet right now. I just wasn't prepared to be in this position and I'm trying to find the right path to take.

Also, my parents don't control me through money. My parents control me because they are my parents. They spent half their lives raising me and I feel that by going against their will it would be disrespectful. I feel like the only way to get away from that completely is for me to get out of this state. My parents say they know I'm adult and they support whatever decision I make but the longer I'm down here the more pressure I get from them to not do what I want to do so I'm eager to get away from that.

As for grants and scholarships: I just got dismissed from my school because of my grades this past term. I can't even get financial aid until I make up the credits with my own money. Until I get that done there isn't a way to get money that way.

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

ivoryivy -

I keep asking you the same thing. Can you get a grant/loan. I went through college working nights, with student loans etc.

My sis went through Harvard with grants and loans.

You have lots of options. I lived with people that I got for roommates from the classified ads. It can be done.

Believe me, I know how it is to live with parents. I left when I was 17 and have never been back (except to visit).

Also, before we were married I made the bulk of the income. I paid my own bills. We both wanted me to finish school and get my degree so we both would have a better life. That's why we chose for me not to work while I was in school. Now that the situation has changed I know that I'll have to work while in school and I'm willing to make that work no matter how hard it is to do.

As to loans, see the post above.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> Also, before we were married I made the bulk of the income. I paid my own bills. We both wanted me to finish school and get my degree so we both would have a better life. That's why we chose for me not to work while I was in school. Now that the situation has changed I know that I'll have to work while in school and I'm willing to make that work no matter how hard it is to do.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good deal, because it sure looks like you are going to have to work to get yourself back on your feet. You also realize that you are liable for any credit card debt he accrued during your marriage, right?

How come his parents didn't want you to live there?

I'm aware that I am liable for any credit debt we are in. If I had the money, I'd gladly pay for it all. If I start making money, I'd gladly give some to him for that too.

As for his parents, we lived with them for over 2 years. After this all came out they made me feel very unwelcome as if I was lying to them. Plus they have a small house and there is no privacy there ever since they both work out of the house. They are always trying to see what we are up to. Right now I don't think they even want to talk to me because I got angry at them when this all came out because they were completely babying him. Besides, he doesn't want me that close to him right now. He thinks I'll just always be in his face. I'm trying to show restraint right now in order to show him that this won't be the case if he decides that we should move back together.