Before I ask my question, I should give some background. I was recently unfaithful to my H with a close friend whom we socialized with often. Also, our children are the same age, go the the same school, and are best friends. I don't want to punish the children by not letting them see each other because of what I did. That would be cruel. For now, my H is communicating with his W when necessary for the kids and also handling all necessary transportation, however to make matters worse, they only live one block away. My situation makes it almost impossible to attain complete separation which I really feel is necessary for all of us to heal and work on our respective marriages (which we are trying to do).

My question is this: How I deal with possible future encounters with them at school events, birthday parties, social events, etc? I just don't know what to expect. Please help.

p.s. I am new to this web site - what does "d-day" refer to?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. D-day is discovery day - the day the BS (betrayed spouse) finds out.

You need to have NC (no contact) completely with other man. It will be hard for your kids, but necessary for your marriage to recover.

Please check out the other women here that are going through the same thing you are. Look for crazed love, runaway pot, kiwi. I will bump up their thread.

I do agree that we need no contact. I have made up my mind that I will not talk or interact with him should we be at the same function, but I don't see how we can completely avoid it. He is very involved with his kids and I know he will be at future school functions. I need to be there for my kids too. Not to be would be unfair to them.

I don't know how to make this situation work. It causes my great anxiety whenever I could possibly fun into him or his wife.

Look at the thread in this forum, "Seeing his car is knocking me down". There are many others here in your same position and they are getting through this. You can too.

Have you read the thread I told you about?

Dear bosstenor

I"do agree that we need no contact. I have made up my mind that I will not talk or interact with him should we be at the same function, but I don't see how we can completely avoid it. He is very involved with his kids and I know he will be at future school functions. I need to be there for my kids too. Not to be would be unfair to them.

Hello from me,

I just wanted to log on and reply to you. Welcome here.

I understand the struggles you must be going through. I really do.

My struggles are the same but with different age group children/grandchildren of OM.

This is so hard, because I haven't even told anyone this yet, but you see OM's 2 daughters (especially eldest) looked on me as a close friend to them. OM's grandaughters when they visited came over and I cooked them tea, took them out and they played with my youngest daughter.

Since my confession and NC (15 weeks now) I have had NO contact with the family at all. I don't know what OM has told them with regards to why I have no contact with them any more.

It hurts so bad. I miss them all. In a way (during my bad days) I think could I have just gone back to being friends with OM to avoid all this 'not knowing what others think/know?'

I know I couldn't...Even though OM is soon moving away with his family, I would have still been txting and I would have still been emotionally drawn to him, and never telling my H in all this.

O Boy. What have I done.

God please speak to me and help me to get through church in an hour...

Please join us all on the 'moving on' thread...

You will be made so welcome.

Take care,

Kas

Boss,
Come on over to the "moving on" thread....I have been posting for several weeks but just found out what that thread was about...my BS told me about it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I wished I had seen it before! It's nice to know that others are going through the same thing. I don't know that there are any easy answers, but you'll get a lot of encouragement, suggestions, and strength from seeing others cope. There seem to be quite a few of us who live in close proximity to the OM...it's especially tough in that kind of situation.
Welcome!

Thank you so much for all your encouragement. I've been so depressed lately that I haven't known how I will get through this.

Knowing all of you are trying makes me want to try harder.

Boss,
You are in a tough situation.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, our children are the same age, go the the same school, and are best friends. I don't want to punish the children by not letting them see each other because of what I did. That would be cruel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It maybe cruel for your children to lose good friends but the current situation is even more cruel to your H and OM's W(other man's wife)

Your H may believe that you've committed to the M and that physical contact has ended but he'll continue to worry about the emotional side. He'll wonder if he's second best. He'll wonder if you just settled for him because you were afraid to divorce or you didn't want to divorce "because of the kids."

And what about you? You can't be completely over OM if you still see him even if it's just from afar. Seeing him brings him to mind. Causes a trigger. It keeps you in aconstant state of withdrawal. You need to get yourself out of withdrawal as quickly as possible.

Where are you in recovery?

Are you still going thru withdrawal?

What is your H's behavior like? How did he react? When was DDay?

Please give more facts on the entire situation.

Always trying to help,

cwmac

Sorry for the thread jack.

BV,
Did you discuss your H telling OM's W? The sooner the better.

Now back to our regular programming.

cwmac

bosstenor,

Hi. I just saw this thread and thought I might jump in. I am sorry for what has brought you here, but welcome. Stay with us. You may cry, get hit with 2x4s, get angry, but you will also laugh and smile a lot. Great people here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will have to face the same situation with school. Our children will most likely be in the same classes. The xOM is active in field trips etc. My H has said he will go, but I don't even know if that is healthy. I am open to opinions and ideas too. I am tired of seeing him and how that makes me feel, but I don't know what the solution is. I understand. Maybe some wise MBers will have good counsel?

cwmac,

My H and I are realizing how difficult complete NC is. I guess I am including the driving by and seeing him in the neighborhood. We are going to have to be much more radical because it is really getting to me every time.

My H and I have still not decided when to tell Om's W. We know we will, but we are still planning how. I guess I am still scared. He is so slick, we are trying to make sure we can give her something to believe. Nothing horrible, but I don't want him to totally blind her with lies. That is probably none of my concern?

Blessings!
Pam

Runaway -

We need to talk more. It sounds like our situation is very similar. My xOM lives one block away and we all have mutual friends which don't know anything about this. See, it only happened twice and then it ended. I do miss the friendship but I don't know if I'm really going through withdrawl since I never had a long term emotional attachment.

I am however very nervous about seeing him at school functions. I know my husband will be with me and I wouldn't have it any other way. Hopefully, things will be back on track better by the time school starts and I will be more secure with the situation.

We'll see. We can get each other through this. Let me know how it goes for you.

Hey Boss,
Just wanted to follow up on some of the questions I had above.

If you posted them on another thread let me know.

cwmac

cwmac,

Sorry for not replying. I don't get to the computer very often.

D-day was 6/4/04 and I don't really think I'm going through withdrawl since it only happened twice. There really wasn't an emotional relationship other that the fact that we were all good friends before all this. I do miss the friendship.

if I do happen to run into him at my daughter's school, I know I won't participate in any contact with him even if he tries. He was never an addic5tion for me. I think i'm actually more worried about running into his W.

My husband is understandably very angry and dissappointed. He has however, agreed to counseling which we are doing weekly. Counseling for him though may be just to see if he wants to continue with our marriage.

Right now I feel all I can do is reassure him that I want it to work and that I love him deeply.

Gotta go. Sorry for my procrastination.

Boss,
No problem on the response.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There really wasn't an emotional relationship other that the fact that we were all good friends before all this. I do miss the friendship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me a friendship is an emotional relationship. If you didn't have emotional feelings for him then why did you do it? Sorry if it's too personal but I always though that women need to have that emotional attraction in order to have the relationship turn physical.

cwmac

cwmac,

You're right. There was an emotional attraction. I guess I meant that there wasn't a dependance on it. It happened twice about 3 weeks apart and there was really no contact in between other than just friendly conversation.

I was so torn. On one hand I never wanted it to happen again because I knew it was a mistake, but on the other, I was so physically attracted to him and he was so convincing. Not to mention that I had been drinking both times which I know lowered my inhibitions.

Now, I don't want to have contact with him except that I feel some need for closure. Is that normal? I never wanted to cause the pain that I have and I deeply regret the trouble I have caused in their M. I want them to work it out just as I want my M to work out. I guess that it would be nice just to hear from him one more time to possibly ease my mind that they are moving forward.

I also wonder if he thinks the same way about my circumstances or was the A just a selfish physical thing for him.

Anyway, I could go on and on. I just hope that something positive eventually comes from this because if it stays the way it is I just don't know if I'll be able to keep my head above water.

Boss,

I'm not saying this in a harsh tone.

You sound like my Wife. She never had "closure." What do you think your need for closure does to your H and family? Do you think it makes your H believe that you stayed because you love him and you realize that you made a colossul mistake? Or does it leed him to believe that he was the after thought, the safe, boring one that is second best?

Instead of asking for closure between you and the OM, you should be looking for ways to help your H put closure on it. For ways to restore the broken trust. For ways to show that he's not the "boobie prize".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want them to work it out just as I want my M to work out. I guess that it would be nice just to hear from him one more time to possibly ease my mind that they are moving forward.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should not care about this guy. He helped you nearly ruin your marriage and the lives of your loved ones.

Like you he was acting selfishly. In essence the only person he cared about was himself. Not you, not his wife & certainly not your H.

Have you sent a NC letter yet? If not do it. Make it very basic. Tell the OM that you made a huge mistake. That might help you get closure and more importantly help your H.

Do you know what should be in a NC letter. I'm happy to give you an example.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also wonder if he thinks the same way about my circumstances or was the A just a selfish physical thing for him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More of the same fog talk. You are still heavily in withdrawal whether you realize it or not.

Have you shared these thoughts with your H? My guess is ,"no." Radical Honesty. Right?

Was it a selfish physical thing for him? Have you seen KiwiJ's "Tempted Women" excerpt on what OM want? I can post it if you haven't seen it.

cwmac

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Well we all know the truth hurts but I do need to hear it.

Thanks for giving me the BH's perspective. My H and I haven't been talking a lot so I don't really know what he is feeling.

It's not because i don't want to talk, it's just that he's always been the silent type when things bother him. Trying to get him to talk is like beating a dead horse.

I'm trying to give him time to think without pestering him. Is this the best thing to do or should I try and force more dialogue?

Cwmac,

Since I am new to this, I would love to know you're story. Can you fill me in?

Cwmac's story:
Hmmm. That was a short story.

No really. Um. OK.

My wife out of the blue told me that an old friend of hers from work (think marine life entertainment) had sent her an invitation to a photo exhibit that he was having. Keep in mind she hadn't heard from this guy in 20 years.

They worked together prior to our marriage. I had met him a few times. He always made me uneasy. Partly due to his attitude towards her and partly because she was always very impressed with him. Talked him up a lot. So much fun. great guy. He was never that friendly to me.

He was engaged as was my wife. I always thought that there was more there than "just friends." Wife to this day denies it but...

Anyway the invite was in Fall '00. They "reconnected" at the exhibition. Apparently started going to lunch together occassionally beginning in Winter '01. By Spring '01 the telephone calls were increasing and they were starting to have feelings for each other ie the kisses were no longer just on the cheek as a greeting.

After 17 years our marriage had become stagnant. At that point things were just OK. Coincidentally things got much worse as she started to have feelings for this guy. So summertime roles around and its time for one of our best vacations ever, a trip to Europe with the entire family.

Well during the vacation she was not particularly warm to me. Hindsight tells me why but even then I felt it. There were a couple of times that I got stressed and nervous. Missing trains, carrying luggage up into the train, etc.

Her reactions to my stress were very passive aggressive angry. On the final night of the trip she wasfinally so rude to me that I got up from the restaurant table and walked out. Of course it was because I was angry.

That's the rationalization that she made. "The marriage is horrible because of Cwmac's anger." It's always 90% the other guy and only 10% you. Right?

I never honstly realized that it was an issue. We'd have disagreements but in my mind they ended. To her the just built up over the years until the resentment was huge.

Cut to Christmas '01. My wife tells me that she and my daughters have been invited to go out on OM's boat for a fun day of dolphin watching.

She hadn't talked about him since the photo exhibit over a year earlier. I started to think.

While they were gone, I was goofing around on the computer. We had just changed ISPs and I was trying to delete the old one. I realized that I could get into the accounts without a password thru a back door. Saw my wife's email. I was surprised to see quite a bit of correspondence between them. Nothing racy. Just sharing bits of their lives. His daughter had been sick. She was busy being a carpool mom etc.

Based upon my feelings towards this guy back when they worked together. The hair went up on the back of my neck. I went to look at my W's cell phone bills. I was shocked. Most of the pages had been thrown away from each bill but enough remained to tell me how frequently they spoke. Same was true with our house telephone bill. Went on line and set up a password for her account and saw all the past bills that had been thrown away.

Later in the week. I asked her how many times she and OM spoke. She said," hardly ever." Just a few times since the photo exhibit. LIE #1 She even said,"OM's a busy executive he doesn't have time to talk to me."

to be continued...