Wow! This stuff is so counterintuitive. I thought I had drained nearly all the love out of this letter. Compared to the first draft (12 drafts and 2 weeks ago) It is positively draconian.

I'm still wondering about the timing and context in which I should give this letter. 19 days to mediation, W's practice started Monday (she's stressed), our interaction at home is positive and friendly. OM is piling it on and is due a visit soon (she's upstate for a wedding this weekend, usual MO)

L wants to depose OM while we are in discovery to determine what marital assets were used in the A. This to rattle him and reality-dose her.

In this context, what might this letter do?

IMHO, you still have a lot of love for her but she may use that against you. Therefore, I recommend you work towards protecting that love for her by pulling back a bit. The L needs to do his job. You need to know if you can handle the worst outcome of that job.

The unknown and the fog is a greater fear than reality. Don't be afraid to step forward into reality. It is really a safer spot. This means if you need to rattle their A cage via the L's checks, you can handle any backlash, then go for it. Otherwise, lay low until you can.

L.

The result could be pretty destructive. I was hospitalized for having suicidal ideations 10 weeks ago, the day after OM called me at work (first and only contact) While I was in (10 days), our entire family and close friends (we've known each other since HS, do the math) found out about W's TWO A's. She tried to spin and was confronted she broke down left town to be with OM and was further exposed.

Result: her best friend from HS (an attorney)decided to support me and and offered to have her H (a divorce attorney) take my case-pro bono. I accepted and thus ended a 24 year friendship. My friend/lawyer is pro-marriage and pro us. He wants to expose and destabilize the OM. We know that he is not entirely forthcoming about his OW's, etc. L is also prepared to file a civil suit for mental anguish, as well as contact OM's internal affairs unit about his abuses of federal priveleges. We've done our homework and know that OM will protect his Federal job and personal interests at all costs.

I am instructed to do/say nothing and let L play bad guy. We can do this all day as it costs us nothing, but drains my W's 'war chest' while she's cash strapped with her new business. Steve Harley agrees to this tactic.

My W would explode, then implode if we do this. I wonder if it would burst the bubble or really kill the M? Thoughts?

My two cents worth you need to expose the affair to the OM's employer and let the chips fall where they may for the OM and his job.

Dr. Harley says when an affair is ongoing you take an interstate bill board sign if need exposing the affair to all.

And Dr. Harley says exposing the affair has nothing to do with Plan A.

Now of course my motives are not so innocent. Right now the OM and your WW are not paying the full cost of the affair. And that cost is the fact the affair may cause OM his job. The affair after all has cost you and your kids their family so a job is nothing in comparison.

She of course will in all liklihood be extremely angry by this course of action so must be prepared for that. However this will put pressure on the OM and her relatonship with him. It will add a cost to that relationship that they have been able to avoid paying while sparing you no such emotional and financial cost.

Of course continue to Plan A. The point of plan A is to show a WS that you can meet needs. Its not to be a doormat who lacks any strength of backbone.

You know what's funny?

OM lost his family to an A. 13 years, two boys same setup. Eerie paralells. When he spoke to me, he asked me not to be as "destructive and counterproductive" as his W's OM's W. She told her H job and he lost it, as well as their house, car etc. He is now living with his lover and unemployed. Why do you think he told me that little story?

Listen, his department (Homeland Security) has explicit rules regarding extramarital liasons (security risk, character issues, etc.) If we drop a dime to the Inspector General's office that he's been making explicit e-mails, phone calls and "side trips" on the taxpayers' dollar, he's done. Like never get a Federal job again, anywhere done. He may indeed have to move here and live with my W. My moral connundrum: This dude may be jamming my M, but his $87,0000/year job also supports two young boys and an ex. I think about the kids, even when he, my w and his ex didn't.

I just want him to go away so my W and I can deal with what created this void in the first place. Do I have the right to push that hard? I'm meeting with my L next week to give him my thumbs up/down about rattling OM cage. So devil's advocates, you're on!

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp

Because he’s “jamming your wife” he should be allowed to be a security risk?
Also, you are now responsible for his ex and kids?

They have rules in place for a reason. To keep people from becoming a security risk. He may not necessarily get the boot, but he WILL get put on notice that his actions are not inline with someone in his position.

Say he DOES get the boot. Chances are he will not move.

Even if he does move and then your w moves in with him, how much stress do you think this is going to cause betwetween them?
LOTS!

That's a lot of "ifs" that would have to happen.

Look its your wife not his and he has decided to try and take that away from you. You have zero zip none nada an obligation to him.

As Chris pointed out those rules exist for a reason. Someone willing to sneak around outside the law doing what most would consider immoral is a security risk. That line of thinking isn't limited to relationships alone.

Besides you are not raising the cost of the affair and by failing to do so you are helping the affair continue...especially by allowing the OM to operate in secrecy with his employer.

Its your call, your marriage but if it were me I would make the cost of having a relationship with my wife as high as humanly and legally possible.

Ouch! That's hardcore logic. I hadn't considered that aspect of the sitch. I'm trying to save my marriage, not save the world from terrorists <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But I may have to roll out some tough love.

Thnaks!

In order to help save your marriage, you must also try to save the world from terrorists.
Isn't that an even better deal? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dliegh -

I know I'm not a master--
but would it be possible for you to contact OM's immediate supervisor or the local port director instead of taking it further up where they may very well have to fire him? Maybe just shake him up a bit without job loss. I applaud you for not wanting him to lose his job because of his kids. I doubt his supervisor would fire him for having an affair since your wife isn't also an employee, but using gov property for his own use would definately warrant a "talking to" like Chris said. Any further up than local port director might just result in firing. Of course supr might just be looking for a reason to fire him anyway. Tough choice you got.

What we will do is this:

Depose OM so that he has to take into account all the money he has spent on A. Why? to get at all the money my W has spent on the A. MARITAL ASSETS. While in discovery both sides need to get an idea of where resourses are going. By deposing him it: 1. Further exposes the details of the A (reality check #1) 2. Puts stress on their abilty to lie (bubble pressure) 3. Gives us an opportunity to contact his Dept. via copies of request for deposition (reality check #2-consequences).

We are not attacking him directly, but rather forcing him into the open where his character and integrity get tested for all involved. My W and OM will have to decide what stories to tell the judge. That will force her down a road she may later regret. It's not about him, but it surely helps to keep him busy. Me? Plan A all the way!

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Depose OM so that he has to take into account all the money he has spent on A. Why? to get at all the money my W has spent on the A.
Why would he have to answer any of this?

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

The same reason my job and colleages (who were also deposed) have to answer. If assets are used outside of the marriage w/o both parties' consent, then it can affect how setllements are decided in my state (FL), OM is deposed because he is a coroberating witness to the assets' expenditure.

Part of my case asserts that marital assets (thousands of $) have been diverted from the home and children to support this A. W claims that OM paid/pays for everything, but records show otherwise. This makes a HUGE difference in both settlement and custody.

If he refuses, he would be found in contempt of court.

Again. we're doing this to demonstrate the enormous cost that this A and pending D would have on an M that has so much mutually beneficial value (she still agrees on the value) My L has successfully used this method to get WS's to pause long enough for them to consider alternatives to D. That's why having a pro-marriage L is critical. He does his part (highlight the cost of D by making it difficult and embarassing for WS) I do mine (say nothing in hearings, Plan A at home) OM does his part (choke then fold like Origami <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Long term, big picture process.

Dr. and Steve Harley suggested and support this move as it makes the price they pay for the A real-usually TOO real to continue. Let's pray that's the case

I am still rooting for you and hoping these plans are successful in helping to save your marriage and keep your family intact.

Thanks!

bmp

How long can this drama go on? Until A burns out, I give up or W's MLC ends. Does applying pressure on sitch really work as Harleys have indicated?

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