hey deleight- I called this # this morning and got a GREAT respnse in conversation and prayer-try it and let me know.....

1-800-437-1395

PEACE OUT

called it, left a message. Who are they exactly?

St Johns Church Of God-Bishop Green

so nice- chatted-prayed- a QUALITY experience.

PEACE OUT

Seems a multi-prong approach is best here:


Pray
Plan A
Expose OP to W
Rattle OP by deposing, exposing etc.
Pray some more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bmp

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dleightonc:
<strong> Seems a multi-prong approach is best here:


Pray
Plan A
Expose OP to W
Rattle OP by deposing, exposing etc.
Pray some more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good summation. Which ones will you be doing directly vs a 3rd party?

L.

A mutual friend will tell W about his OW. My L will depose OM and file complaint with his inspector general's office.

I get to plan A and Pray, pray, pray!

bmp

Hey DL sorry for your sitch. i do not have the problem you have in your marriage although i did have a fiance who was a cheat, and that relationship ended badly!

Anyway, I would not worry too much about him loosing his job if he is an actual scheduled federal employee and not a contractor. I was a Fed employee. Typically if you do some thing "wrong" the most theat gets happened is you get moved, in his case maybe he would get moved to a position that he couldnt abuse. And normally you keep your salary. Not quite right but the typical way it works at the fed. It practically takes an act of congress for you to loose your job.

The exception is if you actually break the law and in that case it depends on how bad you broke it and what agency you work for as to what is done. right before I joined the Fed a bunch from FDA Generic Drugs Office went to prison (and got fired, duh). But that involved serious security issues where they were taking bribes from drug companies and thus skewing the market. They dont mess around at all with that stuff anymore.

So dont feel guilty about that part.

I left an abusive marriage so i was in a much differnt position than you. But I have learned from this experience to stand up when things are wrong. I truely believe now that keeping these secrets for your spouse is no good. Its kinda codependent if you think of it. so they dont want anyone to know they are abusive/cheating wahtever. Tough. I am not going to reward bad behavior with my silence. I will not be a coconspirator in bad behavior.

Is there any way at all you could let her "discover" the other woman. Does the OW want the guy, would she call your wife. does she know about your wife, would that make her mad enough to call. That could do serious damage and make your W reevalute whether this guy was worth all this effort or not. Even if she doesnt repond to it right away it will be in the back of her mind and eat at her.

I remember a long time ago back when I was reading about infidelity becsue of what I went through, I came accross a topic I think they call mirroring. It is when a person reproduces the trauma of there last relationship on the next one. For example if they got cheated on and left they will cheat on and leave the next person. Or they may take the other role and become the OM or OWM to pull someone else out of their relaionship. Weird becasue right around the time I read about it a friend did it. She had been cheated on and left by h number one after about two years of marriage. Then she turned around and cheated on husband number two at about two years of marriage. That is why I remember this topic so well. Evidently it is a way to get over past trauma from what i read. not a nice way for sure. Anyway that person will typically at some point end the new relationship resulting in them feeling "healed" from the past trauma. Kinda like they repeat the experience only this time THEY are in control of the situation.

Makes sense to me because it seems people will repeat traumas over and over trying to get a differnt result and its mostly unconscious. If that is happening here, that would mean in your case this OM may be using your W to heal himself without actually realizing that is why he is doing it (no excuse). Then he might get to a point where he dumps her when his past trauma is healed. Sounds like he is already taking lots of advantage of he situation, why in the world isnt he footing the bills if he wants to see her so bad?

Best Wishes

Good job DL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now comes the hard part...... waitng patiently. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

I've read about the mirroring thing. I believe that's the deal here. Heck it almost happened to me. Very strange, how the mind works...

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 05:55 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

There is a sign in my aunt's bathroom that states:

"Good things cometh to those who waiteth
as longs those who waiteth
worketh like hell
while they waiteth" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Here is my plan

Orchid, what should I work on while I'm patiently waiting?

bmp

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

I had been thinking of writing letters to her parents and brother explaining my stance. Not to recruit them, but to establish that I'm commited to our family. Good idea? Bad idea?

Bad idea. There will be plenty of time to talk to family if it comes to divorce proceedings. For now, keep the "circle of knowledge" limited to those who have a "need to know."

what do I say when they come a runnin'? They'll want to know and I's rather be proactive about it. Is that a bad idea? Doesn't that make me disingenuous?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what do I say when they come a runnin'?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth, spoken in love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They'll want to know and I's rather be proactive about it. Is that a bad idea?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it's a bad idea at this time. You have not even begun the 1st step in destablizing the affair and you want to throw "more cooks" into the mix? "Cooks" who have no idea about MB principles or who will likely take emotional sides.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't that make me disingenuous?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I THOUGHT the idea was getting your wife back and recovering your marriage. I should have known that your PRIDE was the real issue. Silly me.

What goes on between a husband and a wife STAYS between them unless there is a legitmate reason for someone else to know. Believe me when I tell you that IF recovery happens, it is much easier (not that recovery is "easy") the fewer people who know about what has been repented of.

I take your comments as truth spoken in Love. OK I, won't invite the other "cooks" to the kitchen. I guess I just don't want to be alone in this. although in truth, I'm not alone. God is with me, always.

dlc - You are NOT alone. You have God, those of us here on MB, your attorney (also a Christian).

With respect to the "family", how would you assess their walk with Christ? Are they strong Christians?

It is important should you decide to seek support from any of them. In my case, the only "family" outside of our children who "know" about my wife's affair is her father. He knows because it would have been impossible to keep it from him as he was planning to visit us after his wife died. Plus, he is a very strong Christian and was instrumental in both talking with my wife about being obedient to Christ and to arranging for a wonderful Christian marriage counselor for us.

It may seem scary right now, but know that you really are NOT alone in this struggle.

bmp

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>