It has been a very long time since I have posted. But I have been here time and time again....

My story began in Feb. 1999, a little over one year after my husband and I were married (both on 2nd). My world turned upside down when I found out my H was having an affair with a co-worker, I have not ever completely recovered.

Fast forward to Feb 2004, it happened again. They shared a kiss and nothing more (?) - He had just turned 46 - she is 19. Again a co-worker.

I found MB during the 1st affair - I would have never survived without it. My H was gone for 4 months that first time. He was gone for a day the 2nd time.

This past Friday, I was driving home from work and I had one of those moments (finally) where I realized that I am on edge and really angry all of the time - I think about what has happened all of the time. Both my H and kids have talked to me about my "bi***iness." I know it is horrible and I have got to let it go.

I have become very aggressive (I can blame this on getting older in my mind). I am not sure I want to be the person I "used" to be but I want to let go. I feel I am so uptight about everything. At work it seems I am... (ok - I just had another moment - people at work wouldn't stand for it, so I won't even bother with finishing the thought).

You guys are awesome, everyone here has something to offer to help someone else thru this time in their lives. The encouragement and the understanding you have for one another is amazing. I appreciate being able to read your stories and read the replies. I learn so much from so many of you.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I think it is time that I stepped up to to the plate and got some help.....

Hi Survivor,

Sorry to hear from you in such a sad way. I am sure this time your anger w/b different than the last time. The last time was more about him but this time, I think it is more about you.

Why? Because you have already been down this route. What are your boundaries? Where is he (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.)? How are the children?

hugz,
L.

survivior....

the truth is that no matter the external (painful) things you can not control....it speaks of even greater importance to get in control of those things that you can...

anger and patterned reactions don't serve you...
and undermines your own ability to work on the issues externally in any type of productive way...

part of the trap is that you see the change as something that serves him....(husband)..and since you are so deep down angry you could spit nails..(understandably so)...that change is resisted under the guise of you not doint A THING for him...and the old battle why should you change if he won't....

the good news about stopping the anger is that it is a learnable trait...that once you start doing it...each and every time you can choose a different path other than the reactionary anger one...the sooner and easier it is the next time...

it really is that simple...while at the same time being insurmountably hard...(know what I mean)....

early in my marriage...huge reactionary fighter...
hubby got me mad..real or percieved...
and off I was on a tangent...that in the end served nothing..

I became mean
I became irrational...(though I knew it..there is a difference... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

and whatever the real "issue" was....was so lost and buried under name calling and blame...that it didn't stand a chance to get resolved...

when you are reaching that point that your 'anger and *****iness" is becoming an identifiable factor people use to describe...lord knows it's time to change....

quit beating yourself up first over this and claim the right to change from that person...

I didn't seek any type help out there...I just quit ...and it took a while for my husband to notice...cause an arguement would pop up...and he ofcourse was immediately on the defense...and using the techniques I had taught him...name calling...but he realized that I was no longer part of that cycle ...and so he had better find something new to try or else he would talking to the wall...and it worked

our arguements are small and without all this extra verbal baggage that lose the real issue...

that is not to say your issues aren't much more deeper they are...but if you can't get to the root of the issues because of your own actions and approach then you are right to claim it...

try each time acknowledge the rage inside when it bubbles up....and speak not a word peep or squeak until you can speak without yelling and without anger...and each time you conquer..the next time is easier...

ARK

^^^^^^

ark