Hi everyone, 1st time poster. Please excuse the rambling as I really dont know what to say or ask. I'll start at the begining.
I am 34 y/o she is 30, we have been married 9 yrs and we have a 9yr old.

We are at a crossroads in our relationship but to be fair to my wife I feel it is important to disclose how some of the difficult times of our relationship have unfolded.

We began dating about about 12 years ago and it was (at the time) the perfect match. We both were outgoing, attractive and full of life and together we had a blast!! About a year into our relationship I noticed she began dividng more time among her friends and me. Shortly thereafter I learned she had cheated on me. We worked through that and a year later we got married.

The first years of marrige seemed difficult for her as she was a new mother, still under 21yrs of age and I was of age. I found myself going places with my brothers that she couldnt get into, this began to cause issues. She then turned 21 and began going out with her friends and sisters and for a time it was acceptable. (For the record we also made time for us at this point)

By the time I turned 26 something came over me, I (selfishly) decided I no longer wanted to be married. I informed her of this and I moved out. During this time we both had other relationships(we were stil married but apart). Within that same year we seemed to have reconciled and got back together.
So far we are at the end of 1997, beginning of 1998. Our relationship seemd fine and in fact by October of 1999 I got a job offer with a company that was going to really put us at antoher level financially as well. While I was gone training with the new company I leanred she had "kissed" someone while she was out one night. When I confronted her she told me she planned on infroming me so I left for my new job(which took me from florida to georgia) by myslef. This was difficult for me but somehow I did it anyway. A few months later she drove up to Georgia and we again worked things out. She brought our son and we moved back in and things (AGAIN) were going great. Eventually I got promoted in 2001 and we were relocated to Knoxville Tn where we were financially at a level even better than before. At this point we still seemed fine but in Feb 2002 I found out once again she was seeing someone else!! Once again we seperated and once again we reconcilled! In february of this year we relocated BACK to florida to be closer to family and here is whats going on!

I work in hospitality so my hours are awful for family time. My schedule for the past 4-6 months has been primarily 3pm-2am and almost ALWAYS working ont he weekends, so a limited amount of time with her sister seems ok. BUT for the last 4 months when she has a chance to A)be with me or B) be with her sister she chooses her sister. Many times when I come home she isnt there. Instead she stays the night with her sister.

That is troubling enough but consider her sister is single, she is married. Her sisters boyfriend has other male friends who are around but my wife assures me nothing is going on. She told me yesterday that she loves me but she enjoys "being herself" around her sister.
I have no idea what that means!!!!

I have asked my wife to TELL me whats going on that at this point I can take anything!

This may sound naive but I can ALMOST take hearing that she is once again cheating over the thought that she simply does nto want to spend any time with me.

Over the last 3 weeks things have gotten more tense! I have asked her to COMMIT time to us, which she has, only to change plans. Thsi past weekend she said to me Friday would be our day and that our son would be at a friends house then we could do something. Friday morning she told me that she hasnt heard from our sons friends parents and that her sister was feeling really ill and that since we have no sitter anyway she was going to take our son and stay at her sisters house.
Needless to say I was upset but became MORE upset when she called and said that our sons friends parents showed up at daycare and now he WAS going to stay the night. She still stayed with her sister!
THEN I found out that her sister went to her boyfriends house around 9-10pm but my wife simply stayed there "alone". When I tried to call her that night she would not answer.........

I am sure this has been hard to follow but this is exatcly how my mind has been working lately!

She swears she isnt cheating but look at the signs! Where do I go from here? Do I try to confirm infedelity again? Give her benefit of doubt? End the relationship for good?

Whats my next step?

Thanks

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 04:55 AM: Message edited by: lakelandpk ]</small>

Hi, lakeland,

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know for a certainty that you've found the BEST place on the internet to really help you repair your M(marriage).

Week-ends tend to be slow around here, so if you don't get a lot of responses to your thread till tomorrow, be sure to keep it "bumped up" - by asking more (they could be short!) questions to keep this thread active.

For starters, I would give you a few insights of my own. Remember, others here will chime in after a time, and everyone's advice will come in somewhere along the spectrum of their own experiences.

I would highly recommend you begin by reading as much as you can in the "concepts" link above. It explains pretty much everything you need to answer a whole lot of your concerns. If she IS having another A (affair), there ARE things you can do now. They will NOT be the usual "begging, pleading, demanding, angry outbursts" sort of behavior that usually accompanies discovery of such a betrayal.

You must begin now to become the H (husband) she loves and is attracted to. This is called Plan A. You must begin to change YOU! Yes, it's strange, isn't it? THEY go out and have an A, and WE have to change!! Well, it's all described in the Emotional Needs (EN) area. When a person's most important EN's are not being met by the spouse, they are vulnerable to someone else filling those needs. When that happens, they are drawn closer to that person, and pull away from the spouse. Plan A is your way of showing her that you want to be the husband you were meant to be to her, and that you CAN learn to meet all her EN's in a satisfactory way and make her want to stay at home.

The fact that she continues to "hang out" like a single person is not what a "normal" married woman with a child should be doing. I've never participated in this type of behavior, but I M'd at an older age. This is unacceptable behavior. I'm not sure if it's b/c she M'd so young, or if another cause, but in either case, it's not right, and she shouldn't be doing it.

Anyway, lakelandpk, your best bet right now is to begin reading, reading and then read some more! Learn all you can. Knowledge is power. As you will find by reading all the stories here, marriages can be rebuilt when people apply these concepts and policies! Begin by working on YOU, and Plan A her all you can.

It will be painful and might even make her angry, but it's your best course of action to counter-act the pulls of the single world on her mind.

Good luck, and keep posting for more advice!

God Bless,

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Wow, you have really stuck together through some big problems. That is a very good sign. But now you need to "fix" whatever was wrong with your marriage.

You can start this alone by reading up on Plan A. You cannot change your wife, but you can change yourself. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

(bump)
Thanks for the replies so far, I definately need to strat working on myself anyway! As many people probably do I have been depressed and nothing has filled that void. Please keep the advice coming!

I am getting ready to read a little more to be able to apply plan A to my life but in the meantime what type of behavior should I expect?
Can I really ask her to spend LESS time with her sister(and her sisters friends) or is that unreasonable? I mean just to say it sounds bad but its not her sister that I am worried about.
Like I mentioned earlier she really doesnt want me around when she's hanging out anyway.
Anyway, let em get to reading!

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: lakelandpk ]</small>

Listen to what everyone has to say. Not only do the steps in this web site help to save your Marriage, they will help you. I don't know if my marriage will be saved yet, it is too early to tell for me. But by applying a lot of the concepts found here I have discovered a lot about myself, a lot that I didn't like. I am on my way towards becoming a much better person, for ME and my baby. Without this web site, I would probably still be wallowing in self pity and not taking positive steps to change. And even if my husband did come back, if I don't change the problems would just resurface.

Hang in there and you will get a lot of support from people going through the heartache that you are. You will also here some success stories that will help you get through some of those really tough days.

Good luck!

lakelandpk - Have you tried anti-depressants? They really help when you are going through all this.

beleiver I dont think I need those. I like the idea of working on ME, I think it will help lift me out of this. Can somoene link me to "Plan A" and the steps I need to take.
Also the idea of focusing on me is attractive because at this point my wife doesnt really see the issue so there is nothing for "her" to work on. I need this little project for myself!

Based upon your wife's past history of being what we call a serial cheater, I would tend to believe that she is acting as though she is single while hanging out with her sister. She is probably having one night stands with men that she meets while out with her sister, but that is speculation on my part. Have you considered following her one night to see what happens when she goes to a club? Perhaps you should consider hiring a PI to do this on your behalf if you are not comfortable/willing to to do it yourself? I would then confront her with the evidence, if any, and ask her if she is truly committed to rebuilding the marriage. You have both been wayward spouses in the past, so it is clear that both of you are not meeting eachother's needs. Order Surviving an Affair from this site to learn why affairs happen and how to rebuild a marriage that is in the dumps. You may want to consider finding another job that will allow you to spend more time with your family in the evenings and on the weekends. Your wife is clearly seeking companionship, from her sister, her friends, or another man or men. She also appears to be in the "FOG". This is a term that we use to explain the irrational statements and actions that the wayward spouse says and does. Be ready for the "I love you but am not in love with you speech". It's time to do some fact gathering before you confront your wife. You may start by asking why she would spend the night at her sisters house "alone" when her sister was spending the night at her boyfriends house. Finally, be careful about STD's. I contracted herpes from my wife and now I am stuck with it until, which is a big if, they find a cure. Good luck and keep posting to let us know how everything works out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may want to consider finding another job that will allow you to spend more time with your family in the evenings and on the weekends </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mfisher, I recently was offered a psoition in sales which means weekends will be free now that I will be out of operations! As for the cheating, well it has crossed my mind(every day) and she SWEARS that is not the case. However each time I have caught her its been just that. She has never ever admitted to it! Money is extremely tight so hiring a PI for the monent is not going to happen. Following her is not soemthing I want to do. As I said earlier I would prefer her to tell me than to catch her.
I "feel' if she tells me then there is something to work on, if I "catch" her then there is nothing. Hence my unwillingess to "catch" her.

For now, the fact that she CHOOSES to spend time away from me regualrly is enough of a cause for concern. Whatever the reason is I have yet to learn and she has yet to disclose. She is in the "I dont know" or "its just me" phase of this situation. Meaning when i ask why she chooses to spend spare time away and if there is something I have done she replies with "Its just me" without being specific. In fact when I try to get her to share more info on this topic she gets frustrated and sees it as weakness in me and explains that this is part of the reason she stays away now. An example:
Say I have time Friday AND Saturday: Friday she stays away and Saturday she hangs out with me but inevitably I ask her whats wrong with our relationship and then she basically comes back with "See here I am with you and you cant stop talking about the whats wrong!"

Am I wrong here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's time to do some fact gathering before you confront your wife. You may start by asking why she would spend the night at her sisters house "alone" when her sister was spending the night at her boyfriends house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked her and she told me that her sister and her had a little spat and she started drinking, so she just went to bed around 10:30. Again it doesnt explain why she didnt answer my calls or why she didnt say "Honey, Sis left why dont you come over." She still looks me in the eye and says there is no one else!

Hello,

I agree with Mfisher. She has been a serial cheater and is seemingly a cakewoman who enjoys
living the single life with her sister while maintaining the material benefits of a marriage.
It is highly likely that she is and has putting your health at risk for STD's. It really does not sound like much of a marriage. Counseling is a must. It also appears she has very little boundaries. Judge her by her actions and not by her words. Her actions are conveying a pretty strong message about how she feels about committment and marriage. She never admits her cheating and seemingly shows little remorse. I think it is important to ask yourself if she refuses counseling, is this how you wish to live the rest of your life? Wouldn't it be nice to be married to someone who love you, respects you and believes in the values of committment and faithfulness? Why do you believe that you do not deserve these things in your life? If the roles were reversed, do you think she would tolerate this? Why would anyone tolerate such on-going and continuing behavior in a marriage? Going into denial will not solve the problem. I wish you luck.

BryanP,

thank you for your reply. I will expalin my thoughts and situation concerning some things I have done and perhaps it will shed light on the current state of affairs.

In my younger days I was prone to long term relationships. through High School I dated the same girl 2 years after high school I dated another for 2 years, even living with her. I met my wife after the breakup of my live in relationship. When my younger brother turned 21 I started hanging out leaving my wife at home. During this time I noticed I was recieving attention from other women. Unfortunately I enjoyed it. Shortly thereafter when she turned 21 we both divided our time away from each other and I increasingly found that the attention I was getting was no fluke. So in turn we seperated for about a year while I had several realtionships. Prior to this I can only confirm 1 "cheating" episiode but we were just dating and it was early into our relationship. At that time I was still getting phone calls from other girls but I hadnt slpet with them while we were dating. I dont expect her to know or believe this but it true. Since we got back together after the seperation that is when the "serial" cheating took place. In a way I blame myself, if I hadnt done what I did would she act this way? In my mind I believe this is her way of proving to herself she is still desirable, considering that I probably made her feel undesirable when I left to pursue other women.

The pendulem has swung in my opinion, I believe I was a REAL SOB early on in our relationship but after 1997 I have come back down to earth (this is the time when I got a good job and relocated to Georgia). since that time I have been involved in restaurant management which takes away alot of time and forces her to either A) stay home while I work including weekends and holidays or B) spend time with friends and family! Now that we are back in Florida she is choosing more and more to hang out with single sis, even when I have a chance to be around.
To add to this when we DO spend time together I cannot help but bring up my thoughts and distrust at this point she gets very frustrated and states this is one reason for the time apart!

Bryan, I dont know if this changes anything at all, but I still love her, I still feel she is the most attractive woman in the world. Everyone mentions the fog, am I in denial despite her protests to the contrary? Her sister and I have always had a decent rapport, would she facilitate such behavior on my wifes part? Anyway, I am willing to hear anything, even the brutal reality!
Thanks again.

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: lakelandpk ]</small>

LLP,
So far you've gotten some good advice from a few veterans. Let me throw in a few more thoughts.

You need more proof in my opinion. Constantly asking her about her fidelity will just push her further away.

All wayard spouses (WS) deny reality. They deny, deny, and deny and then deny somemore. That is until they are presented with cold hard facts of their infidelity.

I agree with with MFisher. You need to collect additional evidence. Here are a few things that don't cost alot of $$.

-look at her cell phone bills. She may be calling a possible OM. Is there a number that stands out. Look at the hours of the calls. For example on a night that you know she's staying at sisters and "going to bed early" she may be calling an OM/OMs to tell him to come over.

-look at the house phone bill,too. OM may live in an area that is a toll charge.

-look at the mileage on her car. Most people have a daily routine and you can gauge unusual mileage from it. If youknow the distance to sister's house eg 3 miles and she comes home the next day with 25 miles on the car there's a tip off.

-Do you have a close male relative or friend that you would trust with the info of W's possible infidelity? If so have them follow her (especially at night when she's going to her "sister's house")

-Do you have $100? You can buy a voice activated recorder that you can plug into an unused but active phone outlet (look behind large pieces of furniture) and record both sides of the conversation. Radio Shack sells them. They also sell devices that record all the telephone numbers that call in. (I think you need caller ID from your local phone provider for this one to work)

WARNING These devices are illegal in most states unless both parties have given permission to record. If you collect evidence in this method do not disclose that you are using this device. Your W or OM can have you arrested out of spite. Try and collaborate the evidence with a second source ie following her on a specific night when you know that their will be a meeting.

You may not specifically hear her talk to an OM (or you might) but you may hear for instance her talking to her sister about setting up another alibi sleep over.

How do I know agout these items? I had to use all or most in an excellerating game of cat and mouse with my WW when she was trying to cover up her A.

I started by asking her how many times she spoke with OM. She responded with once in awhile. I already knew it was daily. I begged her to tell me if there was something going on. She refused so I had to take it to the next step.

Finally when I had irrefutible evidence of at the minimum an EA. She admitted it but only that it was an EA. See I made the mistake of confronting her too early. Unfortunately for our recovery she lied about the fact that it was a PA for 2years.

BTW, you asked a bout Plan A. Plan A is not just about working on yourself. It's about ending the A. You need to use a number of means:

-Meeting your W's needs. Try not to continually ask her about her extracurricular activities until you have evidence. Harley says that H & W need to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week of quality together time. Doesn't include TV watching or having "relationship" talks.

-Collecting evidence, then confronting. If you want to make your M work you can't bury your head in the sand. You need to be proactive on this one.

-Working on yourself so that she has someone that she wants to come back to. Work on your mental as well as physical self. The physical will help a bit to make you less anxious and jumpy.

This last one has the added benefit of making you a better person regardless of how the M turns out.

Remember you can't force her to stop an affair or change her lifestyle. You can however make it attractive to come back to the marriage.

So what is your Plan A?

cwmac

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cwmac,
WOW, a very powerful post. I definately need to work on myself 1st regardless, my self esteem is shot and tomorrow I start as a commissioned sales rep when all my life I have had a salary!
As for the rest we shall see. I am "almost" at the point of saying I want to be happy, you with me or not! Regardless of whether she is having a "A" or not she is choosing to not spend time with me. Its just that the signs out there do not look good! CWMAC, I read the links and now realize that plan A requires a team effort. I am not sure she is ready. So fir the limited time being I am going to focus on getting fit, and kicking butt as a sales person! Trying to steer focus away from my suspicions will either allow her to continue or possibly make our relationship more attractive to her. How it sorts out, I dont know just yet.
Thanks for the advice!

LLP,

I'm not sure where you got the idea that Plan A is a team concept. It's not. It's a strategy to end the affair.

Maybe in your case it's not an affair. That would be great. You can use Plan A to get your wife out of spending all of her apare time.

You said... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So for the limited time being I am going to focus on getting fit, and kicking butt as a sales person!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please go back and read my post again. What you have described in the quote above is only a small part of Plan A.

OK Let's assume your W isn't having an affair and that she's just gotten used to a lifestyle that isn't healthy for a M. Do you want to get her to decide to change the lifestyle? Sure you do.

Just saying this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am "almost" at the point of saying I want to be happy, you with me or not! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and reacting accordingly won't produce the desired effect, changing her habits.

Up on the main board Dr Harley in his Basic Concepts section discusses "meeting a spouses emotional needs" He describes the various needs.

You haven't given enough background but from what I've read I would speculate that you haven't been meeting your W's needs. I know she hasn't probably beenmeeting yours either, but stay focused on trying to meet hers and in time she'll start meeting yours.

Read up on all of the needs. There is a great EN's questionaire posted there.

Drawing from my experience and from other male BSs, I would guess that your W's most important needs are financial, conversation, affection and recreation time.

Part of this has been caused by your hours due to your job. You might say, as most men do, that you worked those horrible hours so that you could meet her financial needs. True but her other needs went unmet.

Communication: This is a top need for most women. They need time to talk to their H's. That's how they feel good about themselves and and their situation. If they have a problem or worry they need to air it out. We, men, like to fix it for them because we want to feel useful and needed. Women hate this. They need to talk plus they feel as though we've controlled the situation.

Affection: Usually another top female need. Women need to feel as though we think they are special and dear to us, cherished. They want public displays of affection: hand holding, hugging & kissing.

Recreational Time: If a couple doesn't spend recreational time together it's dangerous. Unfortunately it sounds as though your wife has picked up a new recreational activity: clubbing with her sister and sister's boyfriend.

Have you ever expressed interest in going? If not then do. Say that next time she goes with sister you'd love to go.

Her reaction will be interesting. If, as we are assuming this is a recreation/lifestyle issue, she'll have you along. If something else is going on then she'll make up excuses. "You can't dance. Her sister or the boyfriend doesn't like you. etc"

Same is true if the sister is just going to have afew "people" over for a few beers. Tell her you'd love to go. See the reaction.

BTW, when you are talking to your wife, watch her body language and especially her eyes.

I can tell that you aren't sure you really want to know what's really going on. Please don't be a conflict avoider. Take the proverbial bull by the horns and figure out what's up.

If you feel yourself getting depressed go to a doctor and ask to be out on anti-depressants. That is the one piece of advice that I ignored when I was a newbie. I regret it immensely.

Last but not least good luck on the new job. I've been 100% commission my entire long career.

cwmac

cwmac, Thank you for spending time to talk to me. I am sure its frustrating dealing with someone like me who is basically an emotional wreck.

Anyway I guess I should start off by saying some of the things you have metioned I have tried and here are the various replies or why I wont/didnt work.

Cell phone bills, the phones are in her sisters name and the bills go to her sister. My credit(and hers) stinks and this was a reasonable way to get the phones without dropping several hundred dollars dpeosit per phone.

Dropping by her sisters when she is supposedly there, gated community. There would have to be a call up to let me in which in turns creates more opportunity to hide the event if in fact there is infidelity.

Asking to hang out too: I have on a few different occasions. Most common reasons. You wouldnt like there. They are very country and beer drinkers and like to mud etc.. When I say thats ok she then told me(yesterday) that being wiht her sis(w/out me) was "HERS"..whatever that means.
Today I brought the issue up again and she finally said "So you want to hang out?" I said "yes" and she said "OK." I didnt feel entirely comfortable with the tone being used and felt as though I am intruding into a part of her life I have no business being in.

I have explained to her that my new job will require long daytime hours however I will be home every night at a reasonable time(8-10 pm or so) and I will be off every weekend. She seemed ok with this.

The ONLY part of this equation I am concerned about is I dont want to be the insecure, overbearing hubby that just HAS to be everywhere she is. On the other hand we HAVE spent so much time apart lately(due to work) that it would be very odd if she still chooses to do other things now that I will be readily available.

As for being the guy that doesnt want to know, well i do but I would rather her tell me!

If I snoop she will find out. obviously phone bills and unexpected visits are not the discreet way to do things. If I go after it I will basically have to say "For my piece of mind I need you to bring me all the detailed phone bills for the last 5 months"..
What kind of reaction should I expect?
Should she be upset with me asking this of her?

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: lakelandpk ]</small>

LLP,
Thanks for the response. You don't need to thank me for giving my $.02.

Ok so phone bills won't work.

Sister lives in gated community so following won't work if she goes to sisters but if she goes elsewhere it will.

Sounds like money is a bit tight but you may want to consider that Radio Shack item I mentioned earlier. IMHO it's the best $100 I ever spent. Saved my sanity and eventually mu M.

Think about it.

Then there was...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Asking to hang out too: I have on a few different occasions. Most common reasons. You wouldnt like there. They are very country and beer drinkers and like to mud etc.. When I say thats ok she then told me(yesterday) that being wiht her sis(w/out me) was "HERS"..whatever that means.
Today I brought the issue up again and she finally said "So you want to hang out?" I said "yes" and she said "OK." I didnt feel entirely comfortable with the tone being used and felt as though I am intruding into a part of her life I have no business being in.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Based upon the responses as well as the attitude and tone, doesn't sound to promising.

They are very country and beer drinkers and like to mud. I get the beer drinkers part. I think I understand the country part ie they are more basic folk and you'd have nothing in common (politically correct response). The mud part stumps me. Can you explain?

Being with sis is "Hers." Means she expects her own time. I personally think that each spouse does need some down time from their opposite. To me, however, it seems as though the "sis time" or "her time" has become excessive and is taking away from time that could be spent with you.

It may also be a sign that she wants to break away from your "control". Do you make all the decisions in your household? Are there control issues? Control is usually a sign of self-esteem/ anger issues.

Has the amount of time that she spends as sis' increased recently? It seems that way from your posts.

How is your R with her sisiter or the boyfriend? Any help there. Probably not but thought I'd ask.

BTW, your W hasn't had alot of recreational time with you in awhile thanks to the job so you need to be careful how you approach it. You can't demand that she stop seeing sis and that she spend all of her free time with you.

Approach it by telling her that you'd like to have a set night as "date night" A night that the two of you can spend doing something fun. There are alot of fun things that don't cost alot. Dr Harley says that couples should spend at least a minimum of 15 hours together where you give each other undivided attention. TV doesn't count.

Does she work out? Go together. You can get rid of some of the anxiety while spending time with her.

BTW, how is the sex life? Is she meeting your needs there?

Here's some more advice that I ignoreed when I first came to MB. RELAX! Eventhough you'll say it's impossible. You need to try. Being anxious and jumpy will just push her further away.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I dont want to be the insecure, overbearing hubby that just HAS to be everywhere she is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She'll see this guy insread of the man she married.

That nade ne think of another question. What attracted her to you while you dated? Sam question to you on what attracted you to her.

That's alot to think about and respond to so I'll take a break. Try to respond to each question.

cwmac

country part ie they are more basic folk and you'd have nothing in common (politically correct response). The mud part stumps me. Can you explain?----------------------------------------------------------------

You know play in the mud, drive in the mud etc.. I have only owned a pickup for about 6 months(hehe).

Being with sis is "Hers." Means she expects her own time. I personally think that each spouse does need some down time from their opposite. To me, however, it seems as though the "sis time" or "her time" has become excessive and is taking away from time that could be spent with you.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes thats true in my opinion. Even to the point when she knows I'll be home at a reasonable time she elects to stay the night with sis. With my son there, thats what makes my mind boggle. I cant imagine she would be doing this with him present.----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Has the amount of time that she spends as sis' increased recently? It seems that way from your posts.

Yes. That is correct------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is your R with her sisiter or the boyfriend? Any help there. Probably not but thought I'd ask. With sis pretty good. With him, we have been around each other a few times and he seems ok. No problem with him so far.--------------------------------------------------------

BTW, your W hasn't had alot of recreational time with you in awhile thanks to the job so you need to be careful how you approach it. You can't demand that she stop seeing sis and that she spend all of her free time with you.

Agreed!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Approach it by telling her that you'd like to have a set night as "date night" A night that the two of you can spend doing something fun. There are alot of fun things that don't cost alot. Dr Harley says that couples should spend at least a minimum of 15 hours together where you give each other undivided attention. TV doesn't count.

Tried that yesterday, she broke our date and hung out with her sister. later she told me sis went to see boyfriend and she had some beers and crashed at her place.--------------------------------------------------------


BTW, how is the sex life? Is she meeting your needs there? Its good. About once a week as usual. There was a small strectch where it seemed to be once in 2 weeks but hell with my hours I cant even recall!---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's some more advice that I ignoreed when I first came to MB. RELAX! Eventhough you'll say it's impossible. You need to try. Being anxious and jumpy will just push her further away.


True!


That nade ne think of another question. What attracted her to you while you dated? Sam question to you on what attracted you to her.

I think it was that I was caring thoughful, we were a fun couple, always into something!LOL. that has changed a bit. I am more "responsible" and DO spend a bit of time working. Me to her? Of course her great looks, after that she was caring and always ther for not just me but ANYONE that needed her at anytime. I really admired that about her.


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The opinions in this post are the sole opinions of cwmac and cwmac alone. Marriage Builders and its affiliates, officers and agents can not be held resposible nor liable for this maniac's opinions, rantings and ramblings

LLP,

How about this part...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It may also be a sign that she wants to break away from your "control". Do you make all the decisions in your household? Are there control issues? Control is usually a sign of self-esteem/ anger issues.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any thoughts here?

Your W sounds a bit like mine in aspect. Has become very independent due to spouses' working habits.

It's a slow process to break yourself back into her life. Take it slow and easy.

When she spends the night at sis, does baby stay there too?

Gotta go until later tonight.

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may also be a sign that she wants to break away from your "control". Do you make all the decisions in your household? Are there control issues? Control is usually a sign of self-esteem/ anger issues.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If anything i am too loose. What I mean is that I realize I work alot and that means she HAS to find things to do. but lately its at the expense of our relationship. The only control I really have is the fact that I earn the vast majority of the income. In fact she has full reign of the finances! At this point i am feeling like if it wasnt for the income that perhaps I wouldnt be sitting here right now!
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for the record, she just came home. Apparently her sister is alone she told me she wanted to go to her. I told her that she knows how I feel and she promised me tonight that she would be home from now on and spend next weekend with me if I let her go. Is that naive? How long b-4 she breaks that in your opinion?

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: lakelandpk ]</small>