Will try not to ramble here so bear with me.

About 2 weeks ago, WH was still talking to OW. He is in love with her, she's his soulmate. He loves me and doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. We had good phone conversation one day, he opened up to me, said I was helping him get through this and find his feelings for me again. He came home and told me I was the only woman he wants, he loves me very much.

Fast forward to last Saturday, went out for nice dinner, then heading to car to car before seeing a play. We had such a nice time, the evening was beautiful, he looked so handsome and I felt lots of love for him. So I tucked my arm in his arm. He shrugged away from me.

It hurt me so much. I got mad and said couldn't you just grin and bear it for another 1/4 of a block or is it so awful to have your wife want to touch you? He got mad.

Went to play and I couldn't concentrate. Just wanted out of there.

Kids were going to camp next day. We (or maybe it was just I) had planned to spend the weeknights together having fun, getting to know each other again and all that good stuff while the kids were away. Anyway, I was angry and I packed up my stuff and said I wasn't coming home. Would be home when kids were home.

So I spent the week praying, thinking, searching for my soul. Went full-circle again ... maybe we should just divorce, then back to the fact that I love him, we're parents together, we don't have such a bad relationship that I can't tough it out and see if we can connect again (but he says we never did anyway).

Got home and could tell by the way he greeted me that he didn't miss me, doesn't love me (much ... or enough or whatever).

Went to a wedding together yesterday. The vows and ceremony were very touching, beautiful love they have. I WANT THAT!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT??? HE WON'T LET ME IN!! We had fun dancing. It felt so good to hold him!

This morning we talked. He said I would get mad, but that he didn't really feel differently about me while I was gone. I told him that I knew that already ... could feel it in his touch. He doesn't know if it was because he knew I was coming home or that he just didn't have those feelings for me.

He says we have different goals. My goals are to be a good mother and good wife. He wants to be accomplished in his career. He already is accomplished and I'm very proud of him. Yes, I want him to achieve more, but I am also happy and grateful for where he is today. Yes, I would like more, want him to feel he's been successful when he reaches retirement age. I want him to be able to look back and say I did a good job and reached as high as I could reach. But if it comes at the expense of our family, myself, our children ... pfft, forget it.

So, I guess my question is stalled or broken? Fixable? Sometimes I see in his eyes that we are fixable ... most times, I don't. But it always has to do with him, his feelings.

HH,

Have you read the material on this website? Because I see your actions as very dangerous to your sitution. First off, you have a WILLING spouse who is back home, but he is in WITHDRAWAL from the OW.

In order for him to develop this addiction to the OW, he had to DETACH from you. He will not reattach to you overnight.

Now, if you patiently start meeting his needs, he will become attached to you once again OVER TIME. But not if you make angry demands on your recovering H. You are DEMANDING that he show something that he cannot possibly feel and then punishing him when he cannot meet your demands. Lovebuster!

See what I mean? He does not have it to give. So when you didn't come home it was a RELIEF to him. How could he possibly miss an angry, demanding wife with unrealistic expectations that only serve to make him feel guilty?

You will push him away further if you keep up with these DEMANDS. It ain't going to work. You cannot DEMAND your way into a happy marriage.

You have to give him something to be attracted TO in order to make him love you again. And you must stop making demands. Please accept the fact that he does not FEEL affectionate right now towards you. He can't.

His heart left the premises when he got involved with the OW and won't come back unless you ATTRACT it back by meeting his needs and STOPPING all lovebusters.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? This book is an excellent guide that will help you bring him back into the marriage. You can order it from this site.

ML,

Yes, I've read the material on this site, SAA and just about every book on affairs. I know in my head what is going on, but my heart is busting. We've gone through the NC cycle time and again for a year. I know he has chosen to be here now. Are his reaction just withdrawal ... or does he really not love me? I guess time will tell.

You're probably right that I'm making demands now, and yes I am angry. It's so difficult to be around someone you love and not have it reciprocated ... to know that he has given his heart to someone else, let her in to that place that he won't let me in to after the years we've spent together. I know he probably thinks that I'm too immature for him, that I'm too simple.

You're describing Plan A stuff, meeting his needs, making myself attractive so that he'll want to come back. I've done that for several months and I'm getting worn out, worn down. He continues to go back to her.

When he is faced with moving out, he finds his love for me again. Is it that he really loves me, or is he just scared to make that leap knowing that it may rupture his world? I ponder this often. He talked again this morning about maybe needing to move out. Part of me thinks that's what we need, part of me screams no way.

If he can continue NC with OW, I KNOW he'll find his love for me again ... the REAL love. He just can't go more than a few weeks without some sort of contact with her. He breaks down and calls her. I don't know what she is giving him that I haven't/can't give him. He can't describe it to me.

Your 2x4 was well deserved. I will continue to do my best, stay here with him, meet his needs, work on myself, not make demands. I'm praying for strength.