if i stay with her will i always be sharing her love between the OM and me because i think i deserve 100% after all that is what i have always giveing to her even during the 3y A

emt,

has she committed to save the marriage? If so, one would hope that she will also committ to moving on from her feelings for the OM.

In a way though, I believe that all of us share our love with everyone in our lives. Just because we loved someone in the past doesn't mean it takes away from how much we love someone now.

thanks for your post. i have a hard time with it because she is and has been the only one

and yes she has

Emt602, as a former WW I just want to let you know there is hope and with time and patience it is possible for your to move past the feelings she have for the OM. Especially if she is committed to you and your M. As bosstenor have said, just because we loved someone in the past doesn't mean it takes away from how much we love someone now. This is so true.

Blessings,
Suzet

suzet thanks for the kind words.but how could she have sex and "love" the OM and lie every day of her life for 3y to people she says she loves.what kind of person is she "not the person i marred" can a person that was this mean and hateful be a good wife and mother and I LOVE HER but dont know way

bump

bump trying to get moved up i need help

Dear emt602,

I can see you are in a lot of pain and have so much confusion right now… So sorry you have to go through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Since my involvement with former OM was a friendship that became inappropriate and beginning of EA, I can’t give you insight into the head & feelings of a FWS who was involved in a similar A than your W. However, one thing I have learned from my involvement with OM is that it is possible to love your spouse with all your heart and develop feelings for someone else if not cautious, careful and set strong boundaries…

Although I’ve developed a strong emotional attachment towards OM, it never took away the love I have for my dear H. I must admit on one stage I felt very confused because I confused the infatuation and “in love” feelings I had for OM with the deeper and mature love I have for my H. After my friendship became inappropriate, I did experience guilt about the things I started kept secret from my H. However (as most WS do while they’re in the fog) I started to minimize and justify my behavior and feelings…and in the process I started to ignore/suppress my conscience. I do think some people can get so fogbound and consumed by their own self-justifications, that they start to ignore and suppress that small little voice at the back of their heads telling them what they are doing is wrong… Maybe this was also the case with your W. I think an A is like a downward spiral: The longer a person continue in an A and the more serious it become, the deeper they sink into the fog, the more they start to suppress/ignore their conscience, the more they start to believe their own lies and justifications etc.

Emt602, I don’t think you must think of your W as a mean & hateful person… She ACT very mean and awful towards you while she was involved in the A, but maybe deep down you know she is still a good person in spite of the bad choices she have made. Maybe that’s why you still love her in spite of everything that happened… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But you’re in so much pain right now... Before you will be able to move forward and start the forgiveness process, you first have to work through all your feelings of hurt, anger & grief etc. I’m sure there are many BSs on this board who are further in recovery and will be able to guide & support you through this process. However, if you want to ask me any questions and if there is anything I can help you with, please ask.

God bless,
Suzet

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

suzet thank you will never know just how much you have help me tell me something.did your H have a hard time with the sex thing(was he better in bed,was it more exciteing with him because it was in a A,was he bigger yes all men have to ask)i just dont know if i can live with my wife if i belived in the back of her mind she thinks of this A as romantic noval and i am just the boring old husband that has to support her and the kids.that is the reason i wont her to hate the OM but i dont think she does.this all is very hard on me i have never been with another woman just her only her.it is almost like the OM is on her does that sound crazy are is that normal.
p.s. i cant type as u can tell sorry so sloppy

sorry in my last post when i said on her i am saying like dirt. i think that is what i am trying to say it is like she is dirty with his dirt on her skin,she says she never thinks about him i wont to belever her and part or me does but i guess i am a little scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by emt602:
<strong>did your H have a hard time with the sex thing(was he better in bed,was it more exciteing with him because it was in a A,was he bigger yes all men have to ask)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Emt602, sex was never an issue since my involvement with OM was ‘only’ EA (emotional affair) and not PA (physical affair). That’s why I’ve initially said in my first post that since my involvement with former OM was a friendship that became inappropriate and beginning of EA, I can’t give you complete insight into the head & feelings of a FWS who was involved in a similar A than your W. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

emt,

I'm not familiar with your story and you don't have a signature block, so could you fill in some info please? It would help folks get a feel for where you are in this process.

If you want to create a signature block, click on the "my profile" link near the top of the page.

The A was 3 years.
How old are you and your W?
Are there any children?
When was D-Day (discovery day, when you learned of the affair)?
Is she still in contact with OM (other man)?
Did she write a NC (no contact) letter which you approved and then mailed?

I'd suggest you purchase "Surviving an Affair" by Harley, available at most book stores, from amazon.com, or from this site (click the "bookstore" link at top of page).

sorry suzet i was asking the wrong person. i have so much pride in u for not makeing it a PA.turtlehead i am 29 my w is 28 found out about EA on 10/05/02 on 5/15/04 she told it was a PA for just about 3y with her boss that is 14 years older than her and was married and is now married to another woman.so i got over the A and we were better than every, up till she told me that they did have sex and i went right back to where i was 2 years ago.we have two kids a boy thats 4 and a girl that is 1 i am a firefighter and work 24hrs on and 48hrs off and yes when i was at work thay were at work i do not know how thay ended she just said they were over.and he is so ugly and she is so good looking,we are highschool sweat hearts,we stated dating in the 9th grade why did she do this we had everything going for us i just cant get the image of her haveing sex with someone else out of my head.but she is the love of my life,what did i do to have to have this much pain in my heart.

bump

bump trying to get it moved up

emt,

Thanks for bumping this, I'd missed your response.

Wow, married 7 years and she's been in an A 3 of them? Yikes.

Even though you found out about EA in Oct 2002, you have a new D-Day which is just barely a month ago. Yikes again.

i do not know how thay ended she just said they were over

She told you it was a PA - why did she choose to tell you? It could mean the A is finally truly over and she's wanting to repair the M. That would be a very good thing.

When did the A end?
What has she done to prove to you that the A is not continuing?
What is she doing to earn your trust?
Does she KNOW what she could do to earn your trust? You have to tell her; she won't just magically know this stuff.
Have the two of you talked about where she was, emotionally, that she allowed this to happen?
Have the two of you talked about how to safeguard your M against this happening in the future?
Would she read "Surviving an Affair" with you?
Will you read it with her and answer all the questions honestly?
Will she write a NC letter (that you see, approve, and mail) to the OM?

Your D-Day was so recent, and this is your second betrayal, it is no wonder you are reeling. Even if it was only one A, you have been through two DDays and your grief is fresh and raw.

Your W can help you heal by answering your questions, talking to you, and working on improving your M. Are the two of you talking?

turtlehead.thanks for the kind words,about talking she will not talk to me about the A she just wonts it to go away.we are seeing a MC and she does talk a little during that,all she says is she was wrong and sorry and just wonts to move on,but it is not that easy.i just dont know what kind of person she is anymore she is more loveing than every if i go along like noting ever happened,may be she just wonts to block it out.i just wonder if i will every have true love in my life,i dont know what to think about this world anymore.

turtlehead when u found out how long the A was going on in such a short marriage u said "yikes" that goes thugh my mind over and over. shes realy never been married she been with both of us just about as long as shes been married.iam sorry i do care for her but it makes me think she is the worst women that ever walk,can anyperson that could do what she did be a caring loving mother and wife.right now i dont know on one hand she been the love of my life on the aother she has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.she is a lier,chetter,she had no feelings for her KIDs,H,the OM KIDs,famly,my famly,or above all else she must not care about hershelf because she did not care about anybodys feelings but that peice of s!#* she was with

First of all EMT, let me simply say that I feel your pain!!!!

By no means wise in these matters, as a current BS I'd strongly advise not to dwell on these thoughts…yea, I KNOW, easier said than done! When you find these (or any other negative thoughts) entering your consciousness you must immediately dismiss them. Replace them with something positive…anything positive. THEY WILL EAT YOU UP!

A counselor (good counselor…you must choose wisely) might help. The reason I stress choosing the right counselor is because the wrong "type" can/will have a devastating effect on what we (each of us individually) hold as core values. In my case, I chose not so wisely and was told that not only was my concept of "fidelity" outdated (never cheated on my wife in 32+ years), but that many of my other "core values" were outdated and not realistic/applicable to today's world. I found the experience quite shattering, considering the earthquake that had just shattered everything else in which I believed.

Make no mistake, the sex involved in a PA is VERY much a stumbling block in recovering for men (can't & won't speak on behalf of women). I have no idea how you (or I) will manage past this other than to say that it MUST be passed before a strong and vital marriage can be built/re-built. I pray for strength every day re. this.

The only other thing I can suggest is to hold fast to what you believe. Let NO ONE or NO THING shake that foundation which is what makes you you! Here's hoping that both of us find that strength!