I don't really know where to post this, but I figure this is probably the best spot.

I'll first give a little background. Both my husband and I have had affairs in the past, but we are fully recovered and doing very well.

We are in a situation where we have notcied some signs from my husband's best friend's wife. We are not willing to talk to his friend, but are feeling like I should talk to her. She and I have only gotten close in the last 6-7 months. He and his friend have been friends for 15 years. Anyway, I would like to get your thoughts on it.

Here are some of the signs. I feel that there may be an explanation for all of them, but my husband says it's too many to be coincidence. She has been trying to lose weight. I know this because they were over last night for dinner and she was pretending to eat, but was putting much of it in a napkin. She has become very sexual with her husband after years of only having sex one night a week. That was because of past sexual abuse. Husband's best friend has told him she has been initiating it for the last few weeks, which she has never done in 18 years of marriage.

She has only been working for the last 18 months and loves her job. She went to a work get together a few weeks ago and didn't get home until 5:00 a.m. She didn't call him and didn't take any of his calls. She explained it away, saying that she thought my husband and hers would be out late. They are never out past midnight.

She went into work for a few hours on her day off. She went window shopping by herself one night, which I don't think she likes to do. I remember being with some friends and one of them mentioning they hated window shopping. I think it was her, but not sure.

One could say that she is initiating sex because two of her three sons are away for the summer. I know that when our girls are gone, I"m much more open to it...more freedom. She may just want to lose weight. It's possible that she was with her female boss as she says, until 5:00 a.m. Maybe she does like window shopping.

I realize I'm going on a lot, but to be honest I'm scared. I spoke with my counselor who said I need to talk to her. I'm afraid we will lose the friendship over this, but that shouldn't matter, right?

Please give me your opinions. If you think we're overreacting, please say so. If you think the signs are valid, please say so.

PLEASE help me. I'm physically sick over this.

Michele

P.S. I realize the paragraph breaks are grammatically incorrect, just trying to make it easier to read. I've also not done a spell check, so please forgive any errors.

I think you should stay out of it.

You don't know her well enough for her to confide in you, and even if she did, and it turned out that she is having an affair, what would you do about it?

If you tell your husband and he tells his friend...well, I think you need to think this through.

Also, their sex life is their own business. This is too much information. I think she would feel uncomfortable knowing that other ppl were discussing her sex life.


I have a friend who got drunk a few weeks ago and confided in me that she is planning to get together with a man she met. Unbeknownst to her, her husband confided in me that he is up to here with her drinking, and is ready to throw her out.

I have advised them both to go for counseling and asked them to leave me out of things.

I agree that the friend talking to my husband about their sex life is TMI, but it's done. I think he's just so surprised that he had to share.

As for my husband telling friend, he would not do that. The reason he wants me to talk to her is to possible stop something that may be starting or to open her eyes if something is currently happening. It would be her choice as to whether she decides to tell him.

If I talk to her, I will only bring up what I personally have recognized, not what I've been told. I would let her know that the conversation would stay between us. I don't want to talk to her, but at the same time if I can help, I want to help.

I think I'm talking myself into talking to her.

Is this topic offensive? I didn't think about it, but maybe with people going through their own stuff, it's too much to think about right now. My apologies. If I don't get responses to the contrary, I'll delete the post. It is not my intention to cause any harm, just looking for help.

Michele

Not offensive to me.

I think when you have gotten to know each other, you might quietly share that you and your husband have gone through infidelity, and about needs meeting etc., without coming right out and asking or commenting.

They do know about that. I didn't mean to imply that we're not close at all. We are close enough that she has shared her past abuse with me, as well as the SF frequency between them. She has confided a lot in me, actually. I know that she trusts me, I just don't know how much she would be willing to accept from me.

I do think it might be possible to tread lightly withoug coming right out with my concerns. I'll definitely have to do some major praying.

Michele

Michele,
Don't delete the post, it's not offensive at all. Weekends are pretty quiet here, you will get more responses when people get to work and are checking MB on the clock! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

To get back to your post, I don't think you have much to go on as far as talking to her, but I would agree that the signs are puzzling.

I absolutely would not make a mention of the sexual thing, way out of bounds in my opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

As far as the staying out until 5am, not good in a relationship, but totally between the couple. The window shopping, sounds wierd to me, but again not really anything to have a discussion about.

I personally think the pretending to eat and putting food in a napkin IS a big deal! Eating disorders kill people.

I think she needs a friend, and it might be that you are just the person put in her path that could help.

I would suggest that you take it very slow. Invite her to a movie (I hear The Notebook is a great Chick flick!) Work on being friends and maybe you can help in her time. You will scare her off if you confront her about this stuff and in turn, lose the opportunity to build a friendship.

Just my thoughts...Ladysing

Thank you both. They just called and want to go out for drinks. We're going. I know I need to keep it together and act like nothing is wrong. There may be nothing wtong.

This should be fun.

Michele

Michele,

i think you are very kind to want to help this couple. you sound like you have very good intentions. i think you should get involved. you might be able to help this couple avoid total disaster.

people not getting involved when they can is wrong. imho.

pray for direction. open your heart to her so she knows your intentions are good.

I know after I discovered my wifes infidelity,, alot of my friends said they saw it coming,,,, To be honest I wish someone would have opened my eyes earlier to her affair instead of letting time strenghten the 2 of them,,, understand you also run the risk of backlash,,,, may believe wife is totally honest and try to accuse you of just trying to start trouble in thier marriage.

It would have to be done delicately,,,,

I agree with Eric. If you know for sure that someone is involved in an affair, you cannot continue a friendship and look the other way. In this case, there are signs, but no evidence.

I would certainly keep up the friendship and see where it develops. If you say too much now and infidelity is not the case, you lose both of them as friends.

If it is an affair, you are going to have to decide what you are willing to do. You cannot expect to continue a friendship with an unsuspecting spouse if you know about an affair. When it comes to light, you will not be a friend in their eyes.

Cross that bridge when you come to it Michele, and keep us posted.

I am waffling now. My husband and I talked about it and we're so confused. There are some seemingly strong signs, as I mentioned above, but what if we're wrong? Or, what if we're right and she cuts off the friendship because she's been caught. Her husband will wonder what's going on and will find out. It is our hope that she be the one to tell him.

I am kind of rambling, but really just thinking out loud. Last night we were pretty certain we weren't going to say anything because it seemed that either scenario would turn out badly. Now we're not so sure.

And to be clear, we will not tell her husband. I wish I was not in this position. I'm being totally selfish. I know that I am, but I'm so stressed out.

We went out with them last night and she was proud that she has lost ten pounds. Could be that she is just wanting to lose weight. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring. She mentioned that she had taken a bath, so maybe she doesn't wear her ring in the bath and forgot to put it on. Do you see my struggle?

Michele

Michele,
Please listen to a few things that I have to say on this issue.

First, You DO NOT have any evidence of infidelity! at this point, it's just a hunch...

She could be going through a mid-life crisis type of thing. This COULD explain her changes. She may have decided to change her image, lose weight etc. and is very proud of this. That does not make her guilty of an affair. I have a friend who has done this lately (very drastic changes) that's another story, but it is possible. You don't need to "talk" to her about any of this based on a hunch.

You say that you are afraid that you might be right about the affair and could lose her as a friend. Here's the deal, if you are right, you will find out for sure eventually. Until then, don't make any accusations.

I am concerned about another thing. You said that you and your H agreed NOT to talk to her H. Her H is your H's best friend. IF you find out that she is involved in an affair, your H needs to be a best friend and tell him what he knows.

You CANNOT be a friend to anyone and conceal knowledge of their spouse's affair. If you do that, you are perceived as involved in the cover up and will lose the friend anyway. MANY here can attest to that. Again, if you know about an affair, you cannot conceal it and think that your friendship will be better off, it will not.
Your friendship may suffer at first as the BS deals with the trauma of finding out, but in the long run, they will know who they can count on as a true friend.

You need to take a step back now and see what develops. If you say too much now and are wrong, you will both have lost a friend. If it's an affair, it will come to light and then you can deal with the facts, not the "maybe" factor.

Another thing, I did yard work all yesterday afternoon, I took off my rings and have not put them back on until I do a manicure. The ring issue is no big deal, it is certainly not something that she is trying to hide if she went out for drinks with her H without them.

If she has lost weight, the rings might be loose. She might be initiating more SF because she has lost weight and feels more attractive. See how these thing could be something or could be nothing?

As you said earlier, there are some red flags, but I think you could be looking for too much right now.

Exactly. That's why I'm changing my mind about talking to her. Thing is, I did all those things when I was having my affair. That's why I'm concerned. I'm possibly just being hypersensitive.

Michele

if you talk to her as a concerned friend i don't see how that could be bad. you can do it in a non-threatening way, especially since you HAVE BEEN THERE. and she knows you have been there. if there is a chance that she needs someone to help her from going way off the deep end you could be that person!!!

so she will either:

1) break down and confide in you and be extremely grateful that you are willing to help her (not condemn her, from how you talk, i am SURE your intentions are good ones, she will see that) OR

2) honestly tell you there is nothing going on, again, if you do it with best intentions only, she will see that and not be offended. OR

3) lie to you to cover it up.

of course the problem is unless the first thing occurs you will not know if she is doing #2 or #3.

i think the trick is to 100% expect that she will only do 1 or 2. and act accordingly. if she confesses, help her!!!! if she denies, believe her, re-iterate you only had good intenstions in asking because she and her H are important people to you and your H and you care. especially since you have been there, done that.

this way if she is lying she may find the courage later to reach out to you.

I've been mulling this over for the last few days. My husband and I decided to not say anything because we feel we don't have "proof". However, your words, FL, won't leave my head.

If I do talk to her, can you give me a suggestion on how to broach the subject? I'm terrifed to talk to her, but afraid that if I don't, and something is going on, I wouldn't have done what I could to stop it.

Michele

Michele,

Present it to her as a 3rd party story. Ask her advice regarding a similar issue with another person. You could even use one of hte names or stories here. Don't disclose your source. This could also allow you to see whether it is an A or not.

Most Ws' can't focus on too many things at the same time. If she loses focus on your convo, it c/b a sign she is thinking hard about what is coming out of her mouth regarding your 'situation'. Know that when she speaks what she says is also creating an impression in her mind. So your scenario will have a dual effect both now and later.

JMHO,
L.

While I can see a benefit to that scenario, I'm not sure I feel good about it. I don't know how much I would get out of her if she's in a fog. Plus, I am sonerding if I should just be honest with her.

I am nearly in tears. I'm still at work, having to get a file out (mtg loan processor). I can't get this thing out of my head. It's breaking my heart. I think I made a mistake last night when I was praying. Ok, probably not, but I kind of wish I hadn't asked. I don't know what to make of it, but I prayed that if I should talk to her, I wouldn't stop thinking about it. I haven't.

I am heartbroken. I so hope I am wrong. I am so starting to think I'm not.

I think I need to be more straight forward with her, but I don't know how to start it.

you obviously have a very good heart and care deeply for these people. you will be guided, just trust yourself.