SadMarylandLady -

Well, knowing what I know about WS, MC, fog, and all of that, I would say your MC probably has dealt with A's before. She did all the things MC's do in the beginning. I truly think their number 1 priority is to keep the WS from running away. The fact that you H likes her, is GOOD.

What she said about you is what I was trying to say in our earlier posts - Want H, not Need H. I lived for years and years through my H. I was at home with the kids, ho hum. BUT, that is not how it has to be. That is how you have chosen for it to be. And, hate to tell you, people aren't just going to come knocking on your door to meet you. You are going to have to come up with a plan to surround yourself with a support network over there.

I do have some ideas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't know if a part-time job is necessarily what you need right now. I would hold on that for a while. Your H is still foggy, you are pregnant, that could be adding another thing on top of a pile that isn't getting smaller anytime soon. Ya know?

I liked all your ideas the other day about the cards and the book and all of that to do with H. That is great for HIM. Now for YOU. I suggest taking some type of art class at the local craft store. I made two wonderful paintings in my sessions at the local craft store. It opened up a part of me that wasn't even there when I was younger! I never considered myself creative, and now everyone says that to me. After my paining class, I started painting my house! And I stenciled my kitchen, my kids' bedrooms. I love being surrounded by color.

Also, for the cards, you can go to or schedule a stamping party. My neighbor makes the cutest cards each year! Or get a book that says how-to. AND, these are all things your kids can do with you. Wouldn't H love to see how you are nurturing the creative sides of your kids? His kids? All of these things I believe will deposit Love Bank units. That is your goal right now . . . to deposit as many as possible, every chance you get.

See, one of my H's biggest EN's is Recreational Activities. Well, he never told me that! I do a lot of things he likes, movies and games. But he loves being outdoors. And I could take a hike or leave a hike. Well, OW loved hiking. And H just knew they were "meant to be together" because she enjoyed hiking, too. Hm.

Once H defogged, and we talked about EN's, he agreed that he hadn't even admitted to himself how important the outdoors were to him. So now, if H ever suggests a hike, I am all for it. Because I know how important it is for him, and I love making him happy. AND, hiking is great exercise and you can see really cool things you can't see in the city. Those are the things I like about hiking.

I keep hearing you talk about H being artistic, and good with words. And it sounds like you are LISTENING to his reasons he went to OW. Use this knowledge. Your MC is giving you GREAT information by asking him these questions. And it is SO positive that he wants to continue. My H said those same things, except not even as positive as yours, and we are in recovery and doing wonderful.

I LISTENED to what H was saying in those sessions. Even though I didn't like hearing it, even though sometimes I didn't agree with it, it was how he FELT. And sometimes, people just want to be HEARD.

Look into those classes. Maybe even a writing class at the local community center? A poetry class? A BOOK club at the local book store? Classes at the library? Put out the effort. I bet you your H would get great pleasure at the creative stuff you produce. Even if you think it is nothing, as an artist, he will see YOU in it. And he loves you. Remind him of you - let him see it all in a different way. Blow that flimsy substitute (the OW) out of the water. Because, she ain't got nothin' you don't got - and you got it all in SPADES, girl.

Start looking, and keep me posted! I am a task-master, and I'm going to be checking in on you later!

SS

I just read BIJ's post to you. And I agree. There IS nothing wrong with you. BUT, you can only control you, and if you want to get your H's attention, you are going to have to do the work right now.

Once you both find each other again, he will work on the M, too. But for now, if it is to be, it is up to you! Do you know what I mean? I did not mean to imply you are lacking. I think you rock. Your H is just having a hard time seeing that, and these are things I think will get his attention. And all of this is nothing more than my humble opinion.

Just what I've learned from my own sitch, and reading and posting here for 5 months.

*HUGS*

SS

SS,

Remember I told my husband what you said. I don't need him in my life that I can make it without him but I want him in my life. He brought this up to the MC. Said that I sent him a email and something jumped out at him that made him take a step back and think. It was this. Thank you so much.

Before I read your post I was checking the local craft stores for some projects I can do. Funny how we were thinking on the same line. I was checking more into learning how to decorate cakes. But also I was checking into some other classes at the local college. I want to make myself busy, meet some new friends, give my husband some alone time, and also give him some time to spend with the boys without me around. I think this will help things a great deal.

The funniest thing is now my husband says that the MC didn't say anything he didn't already know and he feels like she made me see things I didn't see before. I just laughed at him. I said well we don't have to go back and he quickly said it was only the first session. And still wants to go back. I know it helped him even if it was just being able to talk and me listen.

I think when I start giving him space to be himself and stop constantly nagging him to spend time with me and stuff that it will make me more attractive to him and he will want to spend time with me more. He hates to feel forced to do something. You know my husband has called me like 3 or 4 times already today and each time he is joking and laughing and really truly talking to me. I know he hasn't been talking to her because he has been coming home earlier like he use to and stuff. In the past I knew when he talked with her. He would come home withdrawn from me and depressed and late. I just hope he can continue with NC.

I am so glad your husband and you have found your way to recovery.

Hugs,
Tina

SML -

That is so funny how we were thinking along the same lines. I really think you are on the right track.

One thing that popped out at me, that I want to caution you on - if you don't want to stop MC, don't offer to quit (maybe just to see what he says?). You have some great ideas going, you are handling this supremely, BUT, there may be some other stuff you (and even him) doesn't know about yet. Avoid playing communication games, or any other games, with him right now.

I could have been understanding that totally wrong, but I thought the same thing when you told me you were teasing him that you had cancelled the appointment the night before, too.

OK, 'nuff of that. You are using your instincts very well, paying attention to the signs and symptoms of Contact. Excellent.

Just hypothetically, because usually if you plan for something it doesn't happen, do you know what you will do/say if you begin to suspect NC is broken? You might want to begin thinking NOW of something you could tell him (while you are realatively calm), because you don't want to go crazy and ruin all the good work you have done so far.

From what you have told me, you are doing an excellent job - and so is you H. Oh yeah, when he tells you things regarding MC that he REALLY means (like when he said it was all stuff he knew, but stuff you didn't), really try not to laugh out loud. Just chuckle inside your head, and tell him if you think it is true or not. Men do NOT like to be laughed at. For most, admiration is a top 5 EN. Just something to think about.

You go girl! I am so interested in what classes you choose to take. Great way of meeting new friends, give H some one-on-one time with his boys, give H some space - All Good!

Chat at you later. Hope you have an excellent 4th of July! We went to the lake yesterday for about 6 hours, and I am burned! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It hurts! And I have to go work out this morning (AH!), and put on clothes and go out tonight with friends. UG. Oh well, if I don't peel it will be a very nice tan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

*HUGS*

SS

Happy 4th of July! Hope you are having a great weekend. I am.

I wanted to bump this up.

Chat at you later.

SS

Wow! You were half-way down page 3! I had to rescue you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How was your weekend? The holiday? What's going on over there in . . . uh . . . where are you from again? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

Interesting reading your description of the MC and from my experience and hearing about other's sessions on the site, this is MVHO of it...

You may have felt attacked and the MC was treating your H with very kind gloves because she realized who she had to work with to keep coming back. You are the most motivated to change and she can be more point blank with you (definitely will save you money than the 3-4 session beating around the bush she is doingw ith WH). But she has to treat WH like a scared deer ready to bolt, being gently with him so he doesn't run away...after all isn't that much of what having an A is...running away?

So, how can you use what she has given you? Yes, be less dependent on WH. Build a life of your own, let WH see the strong independent woman you are... You have the hardest job in the world as a SAHM. I could only do it for a short while before I had to get back to the office.

One thing I wanted to mention, and I've heard this time and again, and experienced it myself...don't try to educate the WH...can't do, their head is like a pipeline to the other side. Wasting your energy trying to teach them what they are doing is wrong. Take a hint from the MC, treat him kindly and drop seeds around...like,
I love you and respect you, but I CAN live without you.

You are my everything, but only a part of my life, I have many interests I'd like to pursue.

I would like you to be a part of our new babies life, but can understand if you don't want to.

I am a great woman full of so much love, I have devoted so much of my time and attention on you and the kids, I understand now how that can be stifling to you.

How long should we give MC a try before we give up? (Let's him know there is a timeline and you won't put up with the withdrawal of affection for the rest of your life.) A year? A month?

SS,
My weekend was pretty good. We had a picnic at my moms house on Saturday. We played some games and bought some fireworks the kids had a really good time. My husband didn't want to go at first I think he felt weird around my family after everything has come out. I told him my family still loves him and will treat him the same and they did.

Other than that we didn't do very much. Just lounged around. Still feeling rejected by my husband seems like lately he doesn't want sex at all. Keeps saying he wants more a emotional connection. But I end up feeling undesirable and not wanted. I guess with being pregnant I already feel insecure and frumpy. I just want to feel desired and wanted. Hopefully in time things will change in that area.

I yesterday my husband seemed really depressed. He played a computer game the entire day. I didn't say anything at all. I just slept alot and read and watched the boys. About 10pm I did get very annoyed and asked him to stop playing. Of course that didn't do anything. He finally came to bed about 1:30 and said he was sorry. I said sorry for what and he said everything that I do to make you sad.

I know he hasn't contacted the OW. I also know he has been checking his handheld. I think he is trying to see if she will email him. I asked him if she does if he is going to email her back. He says no but i don't really believe him. I really hope he sticks to no contact because I know it is helping a great deal. Our next appointment for MC is thursday we have to come up with things we like to see change in our marriage and ourselves. I am drawing a blank right now. hehe... I know there is a lot of things I would change about him but that's not the homework. I notice he is the one wanting to go to the sessions. When I mention going someplace or eating out or something he says we got to save that money for our session. Our insurance hasn't paid yet so we have to pay in cash the full amount. This makes me happy that he felt comfortable with her and still wants to go.

By the way I am from Maryland. Today it is so hot here. My 3 year old loves the outdoors but I cannot stand the heat. It's in the 90's and very humid. Where are you from spider? How was your holiday?

Stillheremakingit,

Thanks for your advice. I believe also that she is trying not to scare him away. I just hate that she didn't at all really say anything about the affair hurting me or how it made me feel or anything. I feel if she did though it probably would have made him run like you said. Because he keeps saying it's not about the OW that it's about other things in the marriage. So she really focused on what was wrong and right in the marriage.

SML -

Hello there. We had a great holiday. My 12 YOS was sick, so we didn't have anybody over, except a dear friend of mine who wasn't afraid to get sick. I am originally from Idaho, but H was in the Army, so I've lived in Tennessee, Kentucky, Ausburg, Germany, and Virginia. We are settled back down in Idaho now. My mom has brain damage and lives in a Care Center here, close to me now. That is how I like it.

BTW, the "it's not about the OW, it's about our M" speech is very common for the WS to say. I am encouraged by the fact that he is going to MC, and seems to want to go, but I am concerned because he keeps saying very fogged-up things. WHEN he comes out of withdrawal, he will realize that she was a very big problem in your monogomous M. BUT, as SHMI said, do not try to educate him right now. You might as well bang your head against a wall.

It will come, it will happen. When I felt low on giving, I would re-read what Dr. Harley says about givers and takers. Gave me strength - and you will need it. I encourage you again to not ask or insinuate SF with your WH. I think at this stage it pushes him further away.

Well, gotta go do some work now. I am trying to find a new vacuum. The last one I bought died - I need something tough. Something that can survive a few rammings with the walls! I'm a crazy cleaner lady.

Chat at you later, girl. How is the class stuff going? Have you decided on something? When I painted, sometimes there was a cake decorating class in the same big room, and it seemed very complicated to me. That would be so cool to learn.

SS

How are you doing today SS? Things here are so so. Just taking one day at a time. I am getting ready for my next session tomorrow. Our homework is to list things you would like to change you your marriage and yourself. Here is what I came up with so far. Any suggestions or comments would help.

Marriage
1. Better Communication
2. Learn to compromise
3. Work on Honesty and trust
4. Push each other to reach our goals and dreams.
5. Work together to meet each others emotional
needs.

Self
1. Be more independant
2. Take some classes to learn some new things and
meet new people.
3. Be a better listener
4. Be more understanding
5. After the baby is born work on becoming thinner
and healthier.

SML -

All of those things on your lists sound great. Sometimes, that is what these A's are - wake-up calls in the marriage.

My H and I just had our first MC appointment that was just about regular relationship stuff! Not the affair! Very big deal for us.

Because of the A, and my time apart from H, I now realize that the M I had before was not fulfilling to me. We are now working on making it fulfilling to both. Because of H's A, I see things now that I was "blinded" to before.

Now I know why they say that a recovered M can be more than anyone ever thought a M could be.

Hang in there, girl. How is everything else going? Did you do the sonogram yet? Are you going to find out the baby's sex, if possible? How is your weight? Are you eating enough? How are your other children doing?

I'll chat at you later. I gotta get my mom to a dentist appointment this morning.

SS

Hey there SS. Everything is going well. Just so hot here I can't stand it. Very humid. I go Monday to get my sonogram. I am so excited. I really hope they can see what I am having. I really really want a girl since I have 2 sons already. But if it's a boy I am sure I will love him just the same. I don't think my husband can get any time off so I will go alone.

I forgot to ask how much weight I gained this visit. I think I am only up to around 3 or 4 pounds. Which the doc thinks is great. I don't have any problem eating. With my first son I didn't have a appetite. With this baby I am hungry all the time. Also with my first son I only gained 8 pounds and lost 17 right after he was born. So I am hoping it will be a similar situation.

My kids are so bad. Especially my 3yr old. I thought it was terrible 2's but I think it's 3's. Hehe.. He told me last night he couldn't wait to see the baby. That he loved it and kissed my belly. I was also watching one of the baby shows and he saw the baby cry for the first time and he said wow... So I think he is going to do a good job adjusting. My stepson is 8 he lives with us because his mom deserted him and his father when he was 1 to be with another man. He has never seen her since. He mainly plays in his room a lot. Seems like since there is a big age difference he really doesn't get along to good with my son. He doesn't like toddler shows and toddler toys. I can see though he graves so much attention. I know I haven't done the greatest job with him as far as showing him I care and love him. I can see with my son I can seem to express it more. I am sure this is natural but I don't want him to feel unloved by me. He loves me a great deal. He makes cards for me and hugs me all the time and calls me mom. I just need to figure out a way to show him more.

Also I think my husband is doing really good with NC. He has been coming home the time he should be every night. Also on the nights the metro is a little behind he will email me from his handheld and let me know. He doesn't seem to be going through withdrawls or anything. I just notice he still plays his computer game a lot. Sometimes I want to ask him if he is sticking to NC but I don't know if that is such a good idea. If I did I don't want it to be a LB. So I think just looking how things are different I can see for myself.

How many kids do you have? What are the ages? I am so glad everything is getting better for you and your hubby. I just hope my recovery goes just as well. Do you work? I just got a call for a part-time job as a admin assistant only working 9-1 mon-fri. I think this is perfect. Just what I was looking for the lady said she was giving my resume to the hiring manager. So I am crossing my fingers. I did check into the cake decorating classes there is one starting in August. So I am going to sign up for it. My husband said he would make sure he is home in time for me to go.

Well I will talk with you later. Hope you have a good day. I got to take the kids up to my moms house to spend the night. Tonight is our session.

Dear SML,

I just wanted you to know that I really hope your session with MC goes well tonight.

I will be praying for you on Monday when you go for your scan.

We should swap countries, as I love the heat and it is cold, wet and windy here!

Thinking of you much,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oops double post

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

oops again

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Well our 2nd MC appointment went great. We read our goals/changes we would like to see and I think we both learned some things about one another. Also on the drive home my husband looked at me and said I think your beginning to understand me. He still feels I get more from the meetings than him but he is one they is not going to admit things anyway.

This weekend has been very bad. I have been frustrated, depressed, you name it. With everything that has been happening plus these pregnancy hormones it is just hard to keep myself calm. The whole weekend my WH spent playing his online game. Never once did he stop to watch a movie with me or talk or anything. Even the kids didn't get any of his time. Sometimes he can be so selfish. I tried to give him space to do his thing but after it got so late I was just so frustrated. It feels like I am the one who messed up and did something wrong. It feels like I am the one being punished for something.

I did LB a lot this weekend. I tried my best but it just wasn't happening. I ended up going yesterday most of the day to spend with his sister. Of course when I came back home he was on the computer still. Then we had a thunderstorm about 11:00pm and knocked the electric off and he finally came to bed. He held me and stuff because I hate storms. That made me feel good. But right now I feel so unloved so undesirable. Sometimes I feel like saying just go if your not going to love mfor your prayers and e like I deserve. Then other times I just hope he will realize things and change.

But with my good news today I feel a little better and I am working on the LB's. Thanks support.