It’s been over 6 Mos. since D-day and our “constructive separation” as suggested by our MC. WW has never wavered in her intent of leaving this marriage and has never put her A on hold. I went through all the things I shouldn’t have done i.e. pleading, begging, and doormat stuff. She has bought a house. I have just heard from my lawyer that our separation agreement should be ready for signing this week.

So here I sit, waiting to go into plan B, heck I’m looking forward to it, but I think I’ve waited too long! I can hardly forgive myself for the wimp I was, let alone forgive my wife. I look at the PBL I wrote and it rings hollow. The “I still love you” and whatnots. It feels insincere right now cuz I feel so angry. And to send a copy of that to the OM; it makes me feel weak again.

I read all the other situations/advice/concepts and it seems the plan B is for WS on the fence. No fence sitting for mine. Once she made up her mind it was “see ya later, have a nice life” I know plan B is more about me and what I need to do for me, but let’s face it, we hope these tactics bring our WS back. I get absolutely no warm fuzzies from mine, none, nada, zip. Nothing to indicate she is less than perfectly comfortable breaking our marriage, and starting a life with her also married OM.

So I sit here thinking I’ve been a step behind the whole way and have done pretty near everything wrong thus far. This letter I hold seems to be me a pointless step, done out of a sense of duty for our marriage. I feel empty, most people, other than MIL have given up hope or even support my WW as if she is a victim of all of this. How could I be friends again with those people that have passively supported her actions be not challenging them? I don’t get it, I’m beginning to lose my stamina, I don’t want to, but I am.

It must never be too late for Plan B, or it'd be too late for me, too, and I'm still seriously considering it and am supported by several of our MB friends.

Heck, I even did my first Plan B attempt in February and failed, so this is take two.

I guarantee your timing is no worse than mine has been. It's seemed my decisions have been one step behind the entire time, too.

I do know sort of how you feel about the sincerity of the letter. I don't have many warm, fuzzies for my WH and am not really sure I want him back anymore. But I feel it necessary to do what I can just in case this might make a diffence. My letter does say I love him which is true (just not really in the "husband" sense at this point) but it's not all schmoozy. It's fairly matter-of-fact but still caring. And I'm not sending one to the OW. It wouldn't get through her thick skull.

You feel you're doing Plan B out of a sense of duty. I'm doing mine, if I go through with it, mainly to pull any and all support of mine away from my WH so that he can't lean on me. He'll either hit bottom and wake up, or he won't.

But even though the part of Plan B that talks about easing the pain for the BS and helping pull the WS off the fence might not completely apply in our situations, I don't think there is harm in it.

And if you do a good Plan B and still your M isn't saved, at least you walk away knowing you really, really tried. If you don't, you may wonder later if it would have made a differnce.

LL

Thanks for being up at this hour LL.

I can understand the whys and rationalize out the reasons for the step. I will go through with it, but I may change the letter and tone down the syrupy parts so I don't feel like I'm feigning affections. One must be true to oneself.

I do use you and believer et al as an inspiration given the amount of time and issues you have had to deal with. I hope a return to Plan B brings about the effect you hope it will. I don't get the sense that WW uses me for support in any way any longer. Her OM also lives 300 Km. away so their fantasy can be maintained with their sporadic liaisons without the baggage they both carry.

Thankfully my MIL is a devout Christian and has and is been very supportive of the marriage. She continues to put pressure on WW. She has also suggested I not let WW see the kids when I have them for the month of Aug. so she realizes what's at stake. Can't say I agree with that though as the kids are so darn young, they need that contact with their mother.

Ohhhh, I wouldn't worry about feigning affection. As for being "true to yourself," try to be true to the self you wish you were, the one you will look back on 20 years from now.

Think of it as your last best shot, your last love letter. I sent mine 6 mos. after WH had moved in with OW.

I just resent my PBL a a month ago, when WH wanted to do divorce talk. I sent it after a week of MB board discussions about how to reply. I resent it because it saved thinking. Because I didn't want to get twisted up rethinking how to reply to him, what he might be feeling, divorce strategies, negotiations, etc. It was the best statement of my feeling.

I have a lawyer for D stuff. As for personal stuff, it's covered in the PBL. Think of it as a way of cutting the cord, saving your own time later with a prefabricated "statement," even if it's largely what you ONCE felt.

Yeah, you’re right, I can't give it a half measure and I do have to apply my "rocking chair test".

I guess it's easier to do something loving when you feel loving, not when demoralized. The commitment part and vows must carry us through the times we don't. Maybe it's during those times that true love is best defined, partaking in actions that are not merely motivated by affection, but by a deeper sense of respect for our relationship and family.

I gotta say that I'm not sure I would be doing this if we didn't have kids though. Then again I can't conceive of that reality or try and define all the ties that bind us together.

I feel my pride slowly reemerging. A good thing when it motivates me to finally establish boundaries, not so good when it prevents me from doing what it takes to give this marriage the best chance it has.

I remain, however, reluctant to send OM a copy of my "guts on paper" PBL. I think part of this is a competition for him. He likes to get what he wants and pee on all my trees. He is an over acheiver and likely will do all that is necessary to keep our marriage from healing and keeping my wife away from me just for the sake of "winning"

I'll hold my nose and E-mail a copy to him if necessary, but it feels weak. I'd much rather resort to primal instincts and divide him into his basic components with a rusty shovel. I don't make as much money as him, or am not as well educated, but a rusty shovel is a great equalizer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So I get two phone calls from WW today, wants to come over after work to see the kids. OK I say and may even have something for her to eat. I'm sure she's famished after a weekend with Joe Millionaire (refer to shovel comment above).

As I'm on my way with our children to my favorite historical park, she suggests I buy an annual family pass and split the cost and swap it back and forth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What the??? I say I'll consider it, but a family pass?....we're not a family anymore. I don't get the pass.

Calls back later wondering when I'll be away to our cabin (oops, I mean my cabin)in July when she has the kids for a month. Obviously trying to get me to commit to childcare when she works. I don't bite and tell her I'm gone for 2 weeks. I hope she allows me to see the kids when I get back, but I will not create my schedule to accommodate hers. She also offers to take my mail in my absence or whatever else I need while gone.

She further says she wants a couple of sleeping bags, the BBQ and some family photo albums. I have previously told her to take what she wants and have provided her ample opportunity to do so. I was on the terse side to the point she jokingly called me b**chy. I did not LB though, and have told her to take the BBQ but the sleeping bags are out at the cabin. I will stall the photo albums as plan B is around the corner and am being somewhat territorial regarding those. She wants to break up the family, but keep the fond memories of our union.

I also got a call from the lawyer who says we're days away from the separation agreement. I'll sign that, give the letter and begin my journey through plan B.

So I have been trying to make sense of the calls today. I guess she’s cake eating, can’t seem to cut the cord. Well good. Maybe plan B will have an effect on the WW. I will not count on it however; I know it will be about me and my life without her. If she comes back, that’s a bonus.

Is this typical behavior?

Yep, typical behavior. You will enjoy Plan B, which is mainly for you. You will get a sense of peace, and be able to move on with your life.

I would not keep the kids away from her for any reason. That is a mistake.

I even advice my WH's OW's BH not to keep daughter away from her mom. Her mom has abandoned her and sometimes he feels like just telling her to stay away. But a daughter needs her mother, no matter how the mother is acting.

Yeah, I lean towards not restricting that. Though I will likely not take the children when/if she asks. I will not be merely a babysitter for her so she can pursue her affair. I've done enough of that.

Sure enough WW did show up after work to see the kids. She walked them to a friend’s house that she’s looking after while her girlfriend is on holidays. All was light and breezy with my best detached plan A personality taking over. I initiated several conversations which is one of, nay, the top EN for her.

WW will get the kids starting tomorrow for the month of July and will be bringing them to a friend’s cottage on a lake for a few days. She asked if I had any inflatable toys. I told her I had not had to resort to that yet, she got a chuckle out of it anyway.

A month with our children alone will be tough for her, me too come August, but then after a month with them, a month without will be tough for her too. That coupled with a good plan B gives me some hope. I continue to plan for the worst and hope for the best, but I am curious as to how she will handle the summer.

She occasionally slips back into married mode with me and starts calling me by a cuter less formal name than is the usual norm these days. Makes me think there is a crack in the armor every now and again. Not that she would ever admit to it, but it’s there.

So by the weeks end I should finally be basking in the isolation of plan B. I’ve heard about it, read about it, planned for it, and soon engulfed in it. Wish me luck and I also wish someone could come up with a good reason for me not to send a copy to the OM. I’ll have trouble with that one. It was also suggested a copy go to the OMW. Any thoughts on that?

Binder,
Haven't posted too you in a while.

From one tired, worn out BH to another, I figured I throw my hat in the ring for you. I too feel now that I waited too long to enter Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So by the weeks end I should finally be basking in the isolation of plan B. I’ve heard about it, read about it, planned for it, and soon engulfed in it. Wish me luck and I also wish someone could come up with a good reason for me not to send a copy to the OM. I’ll have trouble with that one. It was also suggested a copy go to the OMW. Any thoughts on that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please take my comments with a grain (or a block) of salt, as recently I have been a bit more bitter, tired (perhaps even a tad fogged) and all in all fed up with it all.

For me Plan B has been the most productive time in my life. I have had time to rediscover me, the things in life that I truly enjoy. It has so clearly defined boundaries for me that obviously did not exist before. It has clearly established for me and for others as to what I will and won't accept in a mate. That in and of itself has made this all worthwhile. (Really) I have seen what inside of me is worth keeping, what needed to be discarded, and what needed to be added and that, for me, was more difficult whilst pushing forward in Plan A.

The isolation of Plan B. This is something that I was not prepared for. Keep in mind that your WW is not the only one who is being isolated. The expectation is that the WS would withdraw, and try to lure you out of Plan B. Never saw it. Not once. Not a peep. And it shocked me. Other than the chance meeting, WW has followed the PBL to a tee. It took a while for it to sink in that I may very well have spoken to my WW for the last time. You may go through withdrawal from her.

I do feel that your WW will make attempts to break Plan B. With the exchanges of the kids, etc., there will be ample opportunity. She is also probably of the mindset, that "Yep. This will work jjjjuuuusssttt fine like it is." Plan B throws a huge wrench in that.

Just remember to stay there once you get there. My WW may not have learned much through this, but she has seen that I would rather never see or speak to her again, then deal with an A.

As far as the PBL goes, I think you can go either way. For me the OM is barely a blip on the radar. In someways, I feel sorry for the poor b@$[censored], as he is little more than a conquest to her. (Of course, I guess I'm just a number as well....) Anyway, if you choose to send the PBL to OM and OMW, than make sure you attach a short note to each specifically to them. Just to make sure that both understand that you still standing for your marriage. For me the downside of sending one to OM was giving him the opportunity to manipulate my words for his benefit.

That's my $.02 ($.01 CDN),

Ethan

Dude....it is never ever ever ever never ever never ever ever never ever ever, did I mention ever, too late for Plan B. It saved my ever lovin life (ever is my word of the day, ok).

It gets you off of the playing field. Why not be a team manager, strategizing about success, detached, in a safe, posh office, enjoying latte's and a donut brought in by your secretary in the morning, or enjoying a late night brandy, instead of a player, enduring the 180 degree heat, down on the grassy field, pulling your groin muscle, getting hit in the nuts without a cup (they say this hurts, but the jury is still out on this, try having a baby through what should be the pleasure zone, or allowing your boobs to fill up three times their size with milk, but i digress), executing every single play in the game, getting knocked down, and beat up, and sometimes fumbling the ball, getting cut, etc.

Ok...so this analogy was BEYOND a STTTRRREEETTCCCHH! But, hey, I miss college football. Cut me a break.

So, what are you saying, Christy, I mean, Sere, or Dipi, you may be asking? I am saying, with that same tinny, shrill voice as that masculine diet guru woman with the extra short blonde haircut,

"STOP THE INSANITY."

Get your life back. You will need to do it no matter what happens. If WW comes back to her senses, if she doesn't. You need to reclaim your life. And it is actually quite liberating.

And that crazy rant (gee, I wonder if I am really a good spokesperson for regaining your sanity since I am certifiably, well, not sane) is a pom-pom, sis boom bah, CHEER to get off the field, and take a seat in the luxury box (back to football again).

Good luck (with your decision, with trying to read this, etc).

Binder -- I think part of your problem is that you keep seeing a PBL as a weakness, showing your belly, "spilling your guts," etc. Just like BSs often feel humiliated in public -- when in fact it is the WSs who are humiliated. One of those psychological optical illusions.

A PBL is actually a very strong stance -- you will see this after you send one. It is a strong statement, followed by a strong action. While WS and OP compromise, justify, rationalize, and flip-flop, you will be recovering, and appearing strong and single-minded, no matter what happens. And in Plan B, you don't have to live up to your words (except the ones about NC!) You don't have to try to be loving and kind during the A -- because of NC! This makes everything easier.

As for sending to the OP -- well, I didn't. Maybe I should have. I figured she isn't part of our M, she's a useless tick. I reasoned that he would either show it to her -- or hide it from her, the latter even better for my purposes (i.e., he could be nurturing an escape hatch she doesn't know about). This isn't Harley thinking, but my own.

Hiya Furnitureman, been wondering howyabeendoing. My Plan B won't quite be as isolating as yours with the kids and all, but I will do my best to make it so. As stated, I'm going to the cabin for a couple of weeks and hope to deliver the letter prior depending on the separation agreement being finalized. Then the finances/property/child care schedule will be in order and communication/negotiation won't be an issue any longer.

I look forward to the isolation the cabin provides. Clear mountain air, the spruce and pine and an ole fly rod that I'm yearning to get reacquainted with. I have elk, deer, moose, bears, cougars and wolves for neighbors. I hope the cabin will be my legacy to my children one day. Being able to afford to keep it may be another thing, but time will tell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do feel that your WW will make attempts to break Plan B. With the exchanges of the kids, etc., there will be ample opportunity. She is also probably of the mindset, that "Yep. This will work jjjjuuuusssttt fine like it is." Plan B throws a huge wrench in that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fully expect that. Fear of abandonment is likely what led to the A. Her father did it to her when he left for another woman. My emotional distance had her looking for a life boat and when the OM presented himself it was abandon ship. My armchair psychology anyway.

And to you VickydipiT, you deranged affection starved crazylady, you wield the English language like an artist's brush, I wish I could convey moods like you can with such engaging eloquence. However:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> try having a baby through what should be the pleasure zone </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you have that backwards. It should be for babies I had no idea that women were supposed to get pleasure from that. Then again I never asked. I can't multi task you know! What? With that screaming going on and trying to hold an ice pick and all. Geeeez, what do you want?

OK. that’s a little off side. Black humour, not meant to offend. I hope the femanazis put away the 2 X 4's.

Hey A.M. just saw your response, thanks. I get lost in my own perspective at times, nice to get the other view. I know Harley recommends the PBL to the OM and likely will, just doesn't feel right. But then again, none of this does.

PS. Another strongpoint of PBL: You are saying that this is the way you feel, despite her abuse, and that you don't need her to ratify or recipricote your feelings. In fact, you will reject her response, even if it's favorable (unless, of course, it's accompanied by NC). Her wavering, waffling, and rejection mean nothing to you.

This is not only a moral and loving stance -- it's an extremely powerful one. The silliness one feels sending it under the circumstances, as I said earlier, is an psychological optical illusion you will have to ignore in yourself. Especially since you don't really know what the circumstances are.

Well stated, thank you.

I occasionally need remind myself that I am probably the least appropriate person to be objective about my situation and actions. It really helps to get the point of view of others familiar with the dynamics of an A and the swath of destruction it leaves behind.

Binder,
is the cabin out near Jasper, or up the road in the direction of Whitecourt? Maybe I ought to come join you for a week or two. I liked Whitecourt when I lived there.


I think I understand about the shovel, but remember who you are - a winner. Winners do the right thing, even when others continue to do the wrong thing.

My inlaws have been divorced for about 30 years now. One of them always did the right thing, never complained about the other, never spoke ill of them. One of them lied, complained, manipulated, and generally made a fool of themselves. Every time we were in that ones company they would spend time complaining about the other. Which one do you think the kids respect, and are willing to spend time with?

Now, you already decided once which one you would be, don't have second thoughts. (don't think you are, but........well, you know.)

Plan B gives you something to do that you need to do anyway, even if you were to D today. The time you spend healing will be good for you - no matter what happens.

You don't want your WW to think you are on top of the world, she ought to know she is causing you pain, but you don't want to be a whiner either, no one likes to spend time with a whiner. (OK, you are not a whiner, but I wanted to hit it again for emphasis.)

So, you want to be a light house - they continue to do their jobs, even when it is not comfortble, or easy to do so. They do need maintainance from time to time, enjoy your vacation.

You don't need to treat her unkindly, even though she is doing that to you - understatement I know, but lets leave it alone for now.

You can continue to treat her like people ought to treat each other. If that is who you want to become, that's how you need to act.

I learned long ago, that if we act like we want to become, eventually we become that way. Who are you becoming? Are you happy with that?

Being kind does not mean you need to enable her, here is a link about that - perhaps it will help to read it as you ready plan B.

It really refers to consenquences in plan A, but it may help.
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

Now, sometimes we get to thinking that things can't ever, or won't ever get better. Here is a story for you.
K's Story

You don't have to reconcile if you don't want to, but often things don't play out like we think.
Perhaps plan B will help, perhaps not, but I want to see you come out of this having done it right, having held up your head knowing you did all you could. I think you do too.

All the best.

SS

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

The cabin is a couple of hundred kilometers south of there, but nice to see the local content thrown in all the same. I lived in Whitecourt for the summer of 86, I liked it there too.

I think I just might print out that post as a reminder to remain on the high road. I will regain my dignity by acting dignified and not becoming a bitter character assassin. Thank you for the reminder and sharing the example.

I know what I have to do and that I can not control the outcome in regards to my WW. I will go forward deliver the letter without unrealistic expectations. I will focus on my children, being a good father/role model and seek personal growth.

It will be a win-win situation. If she continues in her direction away from her values and marriage, nothing will be worse in that respect than what I have now. Though I will emerge stronger, fitter, and wiser. With a closer relationship with God.

If she returns I will emerge stronger, fitter, wiser, with a closer relationship with God and my WW.

Things can only get better.

Thank-you again.

So how near Olds? I lived there once too. For two months - November and December of 74. I was in Whitecourt in the summer of 75. Friends say Whitecourt hasn't changed much.

I know you already "got" it a long time ago, and I know you are going to do it right, but it seems to help if people encourage us. That's what I was trying to do - encourage. I was NOT trying to say you were doing it wrong.

Sometimes when we are tired, when things seem to be crashing in on us, and the day or night seems especially dark, it is hard to be a lighthouse. I think you can do it right, and I think you WILL do it right.

I'll say a prayer for you tonight, you say one for me. It always helps.

SS

West of Rocky Mountain house a ways. Some of the most beautiful country in Gods creation. Don't tell people that much though, like to keep the crowds down.

I appreciate the time spent on the posts here, like I said, I think I know what has to be done and how, just feels good to get the confirmation from here.

God bless

Hi Binder,

I too will lend my support for your journey into Plan B world.

I'm sorry if this was already mentioned to you but there are two important aspects that I want you to remember that were important to me looking back.

1) Remember that it will be tough on you in the beginning and to EXPECT that.You will be on that coaster for a while until Plan B becomes part of you and your new way of life,how you think,feel,the choices you make,how you look at things differently in the plan.You become clearer on what is happening to you because the source of pain is not right there at your feet,taunting you.You begin to see what is really important and what you will withstand and for how long.

2) Don't expect your WW to change or even respond postively to this plan.It's all about YOU.You getting stronger,wiser,more focused and healthier.You focus on YOU and take care of YOU.Whether or not your WW realizes what's at stake or if she even cares is not your concern.For some WS's this plan is all that it takes to free them from the fog and on the other end of the spectrum,is someone like me whose WH is still just as confused,selfish and continues to make bad decisions despite all the pain he has caused.That is his choice and his journey.I am on my own path now and it doesn't include him anymore,but it's ok.I deal with that a day at a time.And not any faster.This is my new reality.It's scary at first but in time,you come to realize that you may just not want someone that confused and selfish in your life anymore OR that you just cannot do it alone anymore.You gave it your all and you have reached your limit.Like me.

Either way,you are a better,more educated,caring person in the end despite the outcome and you've kept your integrity and dignity,you can look at yourself in the mirror at the end of each day and know that God and your loved ones would be proud.Just keep coming here for support and to vent.We know exactly what it's like to be hurt by Infidelity so let us continue to help you through it.

O