Hey...been seperated 4 1/2 months now...but really have seen alot of oneanother. Here's the "what if".....W has at now 5 different times decided to move "home" and each time after about 4 to 7 days then decides to maybe not see me and then after 3 days of no contact starts this same thing over. From "I'm not sure what I want" to "I'm just scared". Any thoughts. Our councelor told me..."she pulls you with one hand and pushes with the other". And warned her that you can't keep me in this limbo.

What is your 'what if' question?

Sorry...what if this just keeps happening again...and again, without ever her truely making a descision. Has this happened too others?

Bump

My WH did this to me 3 times. Each time I fell apart and when he left he left my world in shambles. I finally decided that I was done. I gave him the choice. I made an appointment with an attorney and i told him that it was either ow or me that I was willing to work on the M, but I couldn't continue the way things were. H chose me, but it has not been an easy ride since. I'm not sure if you are handling it better than me, but although H said he wasn't happy with the way things were they continued. My H would get scared and run. He needed a fear of losing me to quit playing that game. I'm sure it wouldn't work for everyone. I just knew that I needed to get off the ride and it didn't matter because I had enough.

Well…don’t you have a say in the matter? What would happen if you said no when she decided to move “home”…??? What if you simply told her you’ve had enough of this said that YOU were not ready for her to come home?

You are relatively new here, have you read up on plan A and plan B at all??? I sorry for butting in here… not knowing your story and all… but it sounds like a plan B may be in order. Just a thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh yes. My WS and I are separated now 6 months. We saw each other a lot, as he came over every day m-f morning to get the kids ready for school. Even had dinners 2-3 times a week. My IC said that he seemed so attached to me. During this time, I did a great Plan A.

After he said that he was going to move back home a couple of times, I went into Plan B. It was just too hard to keep going when he said he wanted to move back in but couldn't.

He buckled under Plan B fairly fast and made me believe that he was ending it. Unfortunately, I believed him and started up communication. I can't tell how important it is to stay dark until WS completely end A when you are in Plan B, especially WS like ours who like a lot of contact.

I just restarted Plan B today after we had a "talk." WH said today that he didn't think it necessary to not communicate. It (referring to plan B) had served its purpose, but "now we are beyond that." Apparently, he does get "something" from talking to me.

My advice--use the contact and time to do a stellar Plan A and when you find that you are starting to lose love for WS, go directly to plan b and stay there until A is over.

Stay strong (don't buckle like I did--you'll get much faster results) and welcome to the roller coaster ride.

FE

Hey...thanks guys and gals...no I don't know what plan A or B is? Please shed some light on this. Also click on my profile and check out my past post....they help explain this coaster ride...and no, I'm far from perfect...I didn't realize how much I truely love this lady, Her and I was both caught up in many worldly things and our jobs...leaving too little time for our relationship. Please take the time to research this and give me some advice. Later, and Peace.

TTT

Welderboy,

Here's an excerpt from Cali's post:

This is something st*rfish has written about plan A:

quote:
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Unfortunately, the misconceptions about Plan A abound on MB as widely as they are being described on this one. So please don't think I'm jumping on you guys....the folks over there interpret it the same way...with disastrous results. I am somewhat of a Plan A expert....in the sense that I have been mentoring folks in that plan for some time. With 10,000+ posts on mb...I have some extensive knowledge of Plan A and the misconceptions about it. You all are interpreting it the exact same way that most folks who misunderstand it MB do.
It is NOT about being the best you can be.
It is not about being a doormat.
Kissing Butt
being nice
not complaining
ignoring boundaries
sucking it up
pretending you're happy
etc
etc.
It's not about any of those things....which is why it fails to help often enough. It has one purpose...and one alone. It is a strategy to end affairs by doing several things simultaneously: 1) addressing ways you as a spouse may have contributed to the incompatibility and vulnerability of the marriage...whether that means hurting the other person, letting yourself go, withdrawing, or witholding whatever....you make an effort and show an interest in correcting those things. (that may sound similar to being the best you can be...but it's NOT the same thing. This about what your spouse needs...not you. 2) You use radical honesty to describe how the affair feels by confronting the spouse with what you know and how you know it. 3)You expose the affair to the light of day. Most affairs require secrecy, exposure can create great conflict within the affair.
So all of that is plan A....anything else...or just part of it...is not Plan A. In short, it is an effort to make the marriage an attractive alternative to the affair, let the WS know that their actions are hurtful, and shed light on the affair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
and plan b:

quote:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When an affair goes on long enough...two things are likely to happen to the BS....a) The pain becomes so great that it is unbearable. The BS doesn't like who they are or how they feel in the midst of that pain. They find it impossible not to lash out and try and hurt the other person. They can't sleep or eat. Stuff like that. b)The BS finds it more and more impossible to continue loving their spouse when they remain too long in an environment where their feelings and needs are ignored. They are on the brink of just walking away from the marriage and dismantling their family...divorcing.
Plan B addresses either of those dynamics...so it essentially does two things....either protects what little love is left so that reconciliation has any hope of occurring, or protecting a BS from the daily painful interaction that often occurs. No contact accomplishes that. It also sets good boundaries for what recovery would look like before considering reconciliation. It further creates an environment where the affair partner must then fulfill ALL the WS's needs....and that is often a challenge that puts great pressure on the affair. Most WS's get something from both their marriage AND their affair...if they didn't, what would be the point. When the marriage gets taken out of the equation....very often, it's possible for the WS to see more clearly what that something was.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
She said it so well. Pray and listen to that voice that speaks to you. When you are still and quiet your heart will speak and you will know what is right.
Cali


You need to do some research of your own. Read up on the concepts section and the book surviving an affair by Dr. W. Harley.

Then come back and tell us your thoughts.

L.

Well, I really am not sure if she actually had an affair? She spent a couple months of having phone talks with a guy that claimed to be her "friend"....when I found out about this she cofided in her mother which also said it was not right and she claimed to stop it. A few months passed with me trying to do "right". Things were really up and down leading up to her leaving while I was out of town...she said she couldn't do this in frt. of me. In about the 2nd. month of seperation ...I then found her having dinner with this same "friend". This was the 1st. I'm wrong and sorry....along with lets fix It and I want to come home...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Well...it happened again, she said for "now" she is done with me....she loves me but thinks I haven't changed. I did the wrong thing... got trashed drunk with and old buddy of mine and wobbled home on my Harley....I love her and picked up the book..."Her needs...his needs" along with one by James Dobson. Please give me your prayers.

Yesterday...I told her I was done...and setting her free, she cried and asked for me to pray for her. Also, she asked that I "hold" off on filing...any ideas why?

Yesterday...I told her I was done...and setting her free, she cried and asked for me to pray for her. Also, she asked that I "hold" off on filing...any ideas why?

Yes. She loves you but there are behaviors of yours which she finds hard to tolerate. She keeps coming home wanting things to work out, and then she gets frustrated and leaves.

Also she is very attracted to OM (other man) and feels she can't give him up.

She's extremely confused.

I suggest you buy 'Surviving An Affair' NOW and read it and re-read it.

You need a good plan A - do you know what her ENs are?
Do you know what LBs you are guilty of?

I think if you could do a flawless Plan A it might bring her around after a couple of months. If not, going totally dark in Plan B would surely get her attention. You've already seen how quickly she comes back to you after a short period of no contact.

I think after all the emotional turmoil you've experienced with her bouncing back and forth for over 4 months, you're probably pretty drained. You may not be able to do a strong Plan A for very long. You need to do one for as long as you can before going to Plan B - so you leave her with very positive memories.

There is a lot to this website other than the forum. Please click on the "Basic Concepts" "Q&A Columns" and "Articles" links on the home page. Read it all.

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well...we both had a really rough yet bittersweet morning...she confessed of her affair with the so called friend. She prayed with me and asked for God's forgiveness and mine. I had learned how much I have not met her needs over the past year and have just lately got my heart right again with jesus and I forgave her with all my heart. We are getting together tonight and we are moving things back. She is going to attend church Sunday with me and also see my Christian Councelor...now we are starting the healing and holding we both need. Praise God...for our Love. Thanks.

Well....we been moving things back home, and spent the last 2 nights together. We are now heading out to church....I'm praying for wisdom to forgive as Jesus would. Thanks, Christpeace.

Welderboy - It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Don't forget the concepts stressed on this web site, it will help you during your recovery. You really need to look within yourself at the person you were and the person you want to be. Don't forget this during your recovery. There will still be ups and downs during this time, the hard work has just started. Best wishes to you both.

welderboy

Sounds as if you are both getting the chance to work through this. If you have not done so, get a copy of Surviving an Affair, and His Needs/Her Needs.

You WILL need a plan to work through all of the emotion and pain from an affair. These books will help you immensely. Another book that is highly recommended is After an Affair.

I would suggest that getting hammered and "wobbling" home on your Harley qualifies as a Love Buster. There are things YOU must take responsibility for, and apologized for, that have weakened your marriage. These are things you need to address.

Seeking counseling is also a very good idea. You are on the right track. Take advantage of the good forture you have had. Many WW (wayward wives) are VERY emotionally attached to the OM (other man), and it's VERY difficult for them to give up those feelings. Make the best of your good fortune!

Best wishes

SD

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks folks, I just ordered the "Surviving an Affair"....and already have the "Needs"...on and yes...I know the guy that "pushed her away" was me...and truely am blessed at the chance to start anew. We went to church together and had a super day...we realize this "only" between her and I and the Lord.

Well, What a day...we moved almost everything.I got a U haul truck, and W's brother that livrd next door...helped us load, but Deb and I did everything around here. We are about 90 percent settled in and our home looks great again. I really did'nt appreciate that kind of thing in the past. She has aready made a huge difference in how things are. I do find myself wondering about the OM...hoping it's over...how he got to her and etc...I have really been loving to Deb...but I feel a little scared? I want to be different than the way we was before. Later and thanks for any prayers.