I have insurance policies worth about $200K total. My W writes that she will always love the OM as he was her first love. My kids will forget about me over time, they hardly acknowledge when I get home anyway. It can be over for my family.

Can you give me one reason to stay alive?
I am no Geroge Bailey! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

I wrote that this morning after re-reading some of the 1100+ emails that my W and OM sent to each other.

The thing I can't get past is, did my W ever love me. Do WSs block the pervious feelings so they can justify the current feelings? If she NEVER loved me WHY did she EVER marry me? Do WSs ever come around and decide on S or OM, and realy mean it? She said she choose me; If so, why is she doing everything in her power to push me away?

How did you survivors ever make it?

During the past 9 months (since I began understanding my M had huge problems and WH refused to help make it better which was then followed by several more months of pain including two d-days) I have considered harming myself many times or wished I was no longer around. What has helped me avoid this decision, were my two sons and the belief that my WH really loved me.

I have seen what suicide can do to a family, especially the children, and I would not inflict that fate on my own children. Can you imagine the guilt they might feel, if you did it? We weren't good enough for dad to live . . . and the feelings go on with no chance of an explanation from you. Besides, my sons are part of my "legacy" to leave to the world and I want them to be a valuable part of society - they need our guidance and love, if you're not here you can't be part of that.

You can't be sure that your WW will always love the OM - or that she really does now - so much of an A is fantasy which exists only because it is protected in a bubble wrapped world. Where's the reality of losing your H, M, home, children, family, everything she's known for years? Once faced with these issues reality usually set in.

You are a valuable person, regardless of the indication you've gotten from your wife. Hold on to yourself and your children. No matter what happens with your M, you can survive.

I've always loved George Bailey - maybe you should imagine what your world would have been like without you. Quite intriguing actually.

Good luck and keep the faith.

yeah zippy...

it's ALL about YOU... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

lets see...
a reason
reason
reason
oh yeah..


4 children ages 8, 6, 4, and 2

lets see ..
they got a mom bailing on them..willing to bring a stranger in to their lives....

and now you.....

I can give you four good reasons for staying alive...

then I could go on for infinity giving you infinite reasons to stay alive...

none of them have to do with YOUR value, in this universe as a child of GOD,is based on your wife's giving, taking, withholding of her love her even her currently warped perception of love....

you hold great value on this earth regardless and even inspite of her....
always were vauluable before you met her..
always will be of value no matter where this ends up in the end....

george bailey was kind of selfish throughout the movie...
wasn't very grateful to what he did have...

if your kids don't acknowledge you should..

1. re-examine that statement and tell me if it is REALLY the case...

2. do something to fix that...cause that has nothing to do with your spouse....

ark

Hey there zippy,
Slow down, take a DEEP breath. You are VERY new to this process. What you're feeling is absolutely normal.

We kid ourselves into a false sense of security when the WS ends the A, and wants to begin recovery.

There are alot of emotions flying around right now. you are still in the throws of shock, denial, anger, frustration, and depression. You haven't really had enough time to digest and deal with your world as you knew it being turned upside down.

I need you to start reading more on the site. You'll find a common road we all travel.

You have chosen to recover and rebuild your marriage. Let me be the FIRST to tell you, THIS is where the work REALLY begins. It's a rough road, but a road well traveled here. keep reading. Keep posting.

Your WW is having all these runaway emotions too, guilt, loss, withdrawal, selfpity, it's all normal.

Start communicating, start with the EN questionnaires. SMALL steps, expect setbacks, and feelings to overwhelm you.

Keep us posted.

Put away your life insurance policy and quit scarfing those emails. They're garbage. Time to digest something good and true. Read the thread titled,

"Calling lostva or any other success story"

It should be on page 2 or 3 of GQII right now. It's an old story but I bumped it the other day. The story is on the first page of the thread.

GC

the sun will rise
in a few minutes.

it's been doing it
--regularly--
for as long as I
can remember.

maybe I should
pin my hopes
on important,
but often
unnoticed,
certainties
like that,

not on such relatively
trivial matters as
whether you will ever
love me
or not


I must conquer my loneliness

alone.

I must be happy with myself
or I have
nothing
to offer.

Two halves have
little choice
but to
join,
and yes,
they do
make a
whole.

but two
wholes,
when they coincide. . .

that is
beauty.

that is
love.

I hope you understand what this is saying,,,, It was the same for me,,,,, allways wondering about the uncertainties and not taking time for myself,, to be myself and to take the first step toward healing.
PLease keep reading this over and over it helps so much.

Yes Zippy, you are thinking too much. A lot of what most of have us have done.

Your life is your life and your decisions have far reaching effects. Don't make life changing decisions in this state of mind. Been there/done that.

Can tell you that if the WS gets ahold of that info, you could lose your children.

Now you could revisit your beneficiary info on your policies and setup trust accounts for your children. Something to think about.

L.

zippy,

You are important.

You are valuable.

You are loved.

Please call 1-800-SUICIDE and get help.

We care.....

Zippy,

I've been right where you're at, my friend. About a year ago, after my A had been discovered, I had the bottle of Valium in my hand, and was ready to go.

The only thing that stopped me was what Ark said about your kids...I kept thinking that it wasn't fair to them. They would never understand, and they would always feel abandoned, if I did it. So I put the bottle away and decided to struggle through it all. And today, a year later, things look a whole lot better. Not perfect, by any means, but a whole lot better.

Ironically, it was my 15yo daughter who told me, right after I thought about this, about something she had learned in school. (She didn't know that I had had suicidal thoughts...or did she?) Anyway, her teacher told them, and I think it's a wise philosophy...

"Suicide is a LONG TERM solution to a SHORT TERM problem"

Stay with us. YOU ARE A GEORGE BAILEY TO A LOT MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU REALIZE.

Bob

Zippy, I had that thought few times. But this board saved me. If yuo have time, you can read my long thread.

My policy is even bigger, $500k, plus another $200k from work. If I die, I could be a millionare, including my savings and retirement. Unfortunately, I will be a millionare in name only, WH will be the real one. So I am not going to die. The most important thing is that, GOD hates it, he wants us to value ourselves.

Zippy -

I've been where you are now. I've prayed for death to end the pain. I even convinced myself that I am a horable mother and that my kids would be better off without me. It's fog...it's all fog. You need to pray right now. Pray out loud. You need to let yourself be angry for a minute and get it all out. Do you have a friend you can call? Is there someone you feel close to you can vent about the A to.

And quit reading those emails. It'll only make it worse...what's done is done and you can't un do it. But you can resolve yourself to make it through this....for you kids.

My grandfather commited suicide in a jail cell before I was born. I've spent my entire life wondering what he was like and wondering what my daddy was like when he was a little boy. Do you want to leave your children like that? Do you want them to have basically no memory of you and to have the main memory of you be the fact that you ended your own life.

Please relax. Go look at your children and pray over them. You know you don't want to do this. It's not worth it...it'll end your pain but cause so much pain for so many others...a lifetime of pain.

MB works...give it a chance. I'm in recovery because of MB. You can be too. Let us help you.

Just to let you know, I am still here. I don't know what to say right now. I will post a little later. Thanks all.

Zippy,

Glad you posted. When you can, please let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

L.

Zippy:

I spent two weeks on suicide watch this April behind the same crap. Been out of work ever since (will return on Tues) MY CHILDREN are what kept me from doing it and what motivate me to stand and fight this thing now. Your W loved you when she said it. Believe that. She's just in a emotionally/sexually intoxicated state right now. Just like she probally was when you two first got together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Bottom line: You are valuable whether or not she or anyone else loves you. But someone does-Your children and God. If you're good enough for the Master of the Universe and his little angels, you're good enough to live-and be happy.

Love yourself Zip. Stand for your kids. Fight for your marriage (if you choose) and F**K that OM!!

Peace and Blessings

dlc

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

{{{ZIPPY}}},

I am sorry you are still down this morning.If you lived near by I would come over and take you for a walk.Can you get outside today? It is a beautiful day here where I am and so I am going to go out and enjoy it somehow.I think I might take my kids rollerblading.Point is,don't stay indoors all day or at work with all these negative thoughts.

Ultimately,you will get to a point where you are feeling like your WW is NOT a person you should end your life for.NO! NOT after the way she is treating you.We all have these feelings from time to time and it's ok but don't act on them.

Don't keep asking questions of yourself.Try to still your mind and put into action your body.It's like you are in quicksand right now and you need to get OUT of it.Get active today.Run,rollerblade,swim,paint,play golf,anything you can do.

KEEP COMING BACK TO POST AND VENT.

We are here for you! We will get you through ok??!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. DON'T listen to garbage your WW tells you about your kids forgetting about you,etc.That is a bold faced LIE.Turn a deaf ear to junk like that or don't read junk like that.The NERVE!

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Zippy, hang in there. Your condition isn't permanent, and you will endure this and come out clean and shining on the other side.

Gray

On Monday my W had ACL surgery. She will be mostly immobile for about 1 to 2 weeks. I was not exactly looking forward to attending her, as she has been quite cold and marginally cruel. She is not outright mean, just lots of passive aggressive crap. She gives me an extra wide birth when we pass each other in the house. She talks to me only on an "as needed" basis. Of course "as needed" is defined by her terms. Being treated as sub-human I began to see myself as sub-human.

I don't know if it is the medication, but she seems to have softened in the last two days. Maybe it is just so she will get the care she needs, I don't know. I am a talker; being cut off from communication is killing me. Basically none of emotional needs are being met and what little I have left, in emergency reserve, is being tapped out by the passive aggressive crap.

How is it that we love (real love, not obsession, not codependence) these spouses that treat us so badly? Ya know I really love her so much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi zip,

Well,I'm glad to see a smiley face at the end of your post now.I hope you have regained some strength.

Listen,remember that because your WW treats you like she does is her way of not dealing with her pain.If she treats you like dirt,she can feel better about herself because if she took a cold hard look at who it is she is hurting,she would have a meltdown.Anger always comes from a source of pain IMO.She is hurting,so are you.If she doesn't treat you as human,a man,a husband,then to her she can try and fake it that you are some kind of jerk and should be treated accordingly.If she had to treat you well as you deserve,that also makes her have to take a look at her actions and who she is hurting.

Anyhoo,keep coming back here to talk if it helps.Hope you are doing better.

O

Each day seems so autonomous, no connection to the past, no connection to the future. The connection to the past is broken and marred. Right now I don't know what is true from the last two years or the whole ten years of marriage for that matter. The connection to the future is broken because, I don't have a clue how each day will play out, much less have any ideas for the future.

WARNING: A random outburst of analogy follows. If you experience nausea or dizziness discontinue reading this message. Your mileage may very. Void where prohibited. Avoid direct contact to exposed skin. If contact should occur, wash thoroughly with water and pat dry.

I am standing in the grocery store checkout line of life, I would like to move forward but I can't make the people in front of me go faster. I could change lines, but I am afraid that the line I am in will start moving the moment I leave. I have too many items for the express lane and I can't pay cash anyway. I a sick and tired of magazines graced with pretty people living charmed lives, even if that is only an airbrushed lie.