How long can we keep these balls in the air? What/who will give?

Right now my W is pursuing the following simultaneously:

• Opening a new, solo medical practice (starting today!)
• Divorcing me
• Making arrangements w OM for him to move 1000 miles to be with her
• Remaking her social life (lost most friends b/c of A)

I’m currently:

• Improving my emotional, spiritual, physical state.
• Working on saving our marriage (by using MB principles and stalling D as much as possible)
• Developing a plan that will protect our children
• Making a smooth transition to work (out 10 weeks as a result of hospitalization-depression)
• Rebuilding relationships affected by recent events (got closer to friend b/c of A)

OM working on:

• Next visit w/ wife (every 6 weeks or so since contact resumed)
• Convincing W I’m dangerous
• Making ‘plans’ for future w/ W
• Making sure W doesn’t know about his other two OW’s

I’ve lost seventy pounds this year (exercise and depression) and had an emotional breakdown. I also have been working on self through counseling, coaching and education. I have a plan. My W has become both anxious (‘what’s my H doing?’) And exuberant (‘my dreams are coming true!’) The OM is just happy he ‘won’ and floods her (up to 10 contacts a day) with cards, letters flowers, e-mails, etc. all stating exactly the same thing (I love you’ I can’t wait until we…’) Family and friends say I should accept this and move on. ‘Be good friends and co-parents. Holding on is not healthy’.

My God, this is hard! Got up this morning--13th wedding anniversary to wish W good luck on her 1st day of her medical practice. I prayed with/for her for success, prosperity and wisdom. She thanked me and hopped in the car to pursue her life’s dream. I thought I would be prepared for the sense of emptiness I feel. A year ago this week, she first said she wanted a D. She was seeing this OM w/o my knowledge. The difference this year is that she’s filed and the A is in the open. I also have one year of ups (false recovery) and downs (right now) to process. I’m so very proud of my W and so very hurt by her as well. Her dreams are realizing, while my life has become a survival and recovery project. I write this through unexpected tears. This day hasn’t been happy for me for two years. Will it ever be again? How long can this madness go on?

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

dleightonc,

First, my sympathy for your situation.
Tough to see someone's life going so well at the same time yours is going down the toilet (from your point of view). That must be some incredibly painful salt she's pouring!!!

I'll admit I have read some of your posts ( I recognize your W starting her Own practice). However, I don't remember every detail.
So if you've covered this info. before I do apologize.

In any case, Questions for you:
How is it that You know of OM's 2 other OW, and yet your W does not?
Are they past or current?
If so, any proof?

Or is it that she knows and is just in denial?

YOU know about them, do you know Who they are?
IF So:
Can you get one or even better both of these women to talk or even just write your W?
Plead your case. It sure can't hurt now.

If they are OW they should be happy to get rid of yet another other OW. (competition)

IN addition, If they are jilted OW they might want to get back at OM by busting him?

And if they are remorseful OW, they could help you out of a sense of NOT wanting anyone else to go where they've been (or perhaps even guilt).

Whatever their reasons, have you explored this option?

Sounds like your about at your wits end. Understandable!
Just trying to find something that can actually help reverse this situation.

Thanks & Take care of yourself

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

TR:

I know b/c I did some digging. Also my W and I have mutual friend who used to enable my wife's A, until she saw how it was destroying me and harming her own integrity. She also did some digging (OM threatened her and she needed some info for protection) My W doesn't want to hear jack from me concerning OM and our friend thinks she should find the hard truth on her own. Besides both W and OM think I brainwashed friend.

I don't even know if it would matter right now, she's so into him.

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp

who will crack first?

that's a well said question and one i have asked myself but not in the same words. what i ask myself (not all the time mind you) is how long can this OW last? i'm pretty sure i can last a long time but can she. i'm dealing w/a 20year old single girl, who still lives at home and yes, her parents know but basically support her and my IL's basically support my H.

so, of course my H and our house is in a no-fault D state so i cannot stop my H from filing or getting a D from me. however, i can do a lot to not help it a long and i can do every thing i can to prolong the process which is exactly what i'm going to do if it comes to that.

i can pretty much swear on my life that i'm not going to crack (not file for D) but then again i don't have any kids so in fact it is probably easier for me to say that. double edge sword w/the kids situation. many people here and a friend who's been in a similar situation have told me it's just a matter of time before my H will wake up. steve harley told me that the R that this OW has w/my H has a shelf life and that her concepts of what a R is and what a M is about is flawed.

i'm a nurse so i have just a little idea of what it would be like for your W to be starting her own practice, etc. and i agree that it would just be a matter of time before things get the best of her as well. when will that be? only God knows. we are in a race on this rough road, it's a marathon not a sprint. no athlete starts a race with the thought that they won't finish and that's what we BS want, is to finish the race no matter what's on the other end. stay the course and prayers to you, RR

Roughroad:

The following are things I'm doing to slow the D down and to put some pressure on the bubble my W and OM are in:

In a no-fault state, a D can be processed regardless of the other S's wishes. so here is how you delay the final outcome:

1) Counter file: Now the both of you are on the offensive/defensive. More paper more $ more time (makes ‘em pause!)

2) Submit all paperwork at the last possible moment. in my state, I have 20 days. I submit on day 19.

3) Stonewall at every step. go to mediation and reject every major point. Go to the general master and contest every item. Take the whole thing to trial. At each point, firmly and lovingly tell you S that you won't participate while viable alternatives (like counceling) go unexplored. NEVER do any negative D talk. Let your L do the "bad cop" routine.

4) Refuse to sign paper work (like the final papers) talk to L about when best to do this.

5) Negotiate postponement. Sometimes you can get them to wait until after holidays or certain family or professional milestones.

What does this do? First it will invariably anger them. But there is an upside! It gives you a chance to make love deposits, work on yourself and give your S (and OP) a dose of reality. They and you must earn the way out of the M. Sometimes this process wears them down enough to consider your alternatives. Sometimes the A burns out (usually 6 mos.) Sometimes they just regain respect for you which opens the door to falling back in love with you. You have nothing to lose, my friend, by stalling. And your god given family to gain. Good luck, and thanks for your input!

Has anyone out there used the tactics described above? If so, what were the results?

thanks for the information, that's pretty much my plan. i even copied your suggestions to a word document to refer to later if i need to. my H and our house is in FL. so i've done a little research to find out the process. i read that the FL court system is very overwhelmed and that if contested it could possible take even up to a year for it to go to court which is something in my favor. if there are children involved or if there is one spouse that disagrees w/the dissolution of the M (contests) then the court/judge can order a few things 1) mediation 2) exploration of alternatives (reconciliation)and i think i also read counseling but not sure. but again this is what "can" happen not necessarily what will happen.

it's hard for me to really know where to start due to the fact that i live in another state (not because of this though). i had sent a phonebook to my mom of the area which we lived in florida a long time ago (she lives in yet another state) and she ripped out the pages that had attorney information on them. i also looked into some Christian organizations to try and figure how to find one that was a Christian. right now all i have done is look and haven't spoke to anyone, even though my H did send me a letter last month that said he would be filing for a D soon. maybe he's just trying to save up the money, who knows......

i also have a cousin in the same state of my mom that is a lawyer and my dad did talk to him. my cousin said that there wasn't a lot i could do and that it was best if i found a lawyer in florida because he didn't know anything about those laws. but at least i have another reference to run things buy should i find a lawyer and want to make sure they are giving me sound advice, etc. definitely have to find one that is pro-marriage and will support me in doing every thing i can for as long as i can for many of the same reasons you have listed.

surprised you haven't gotten more replies on this thread. i actually posted on the divorce/divorcing forum about D's in florida and got a few responses but not that many. but from what i understand and it's unfortunate, that there are quite a few states that are no-fault. of course, the fact that there has been infidelity has not part in the D except when it comes to awarding alimony/splitting expenses. that if i could prove that he spent money on her then that would be taken in consideration, which i can. but i make probably $30K more a year then he does and of course that would also be taken in consideration.

do you happen to live in a no-fault state? thanks again for your suggestions and advice and if you have any specific information regarding FL let me know. i've basically just decided to keep myself "informed" a little and if/when it comes to the D then the first thing i will be doing is calling a L. i don't really have money for a L either but will just do the best that i can. one thing for sure and i've been told by steve harley as well as others here that i will not be telling my H or his family what my "plan" is.

prayers to you, RR

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR:

I live in FL too. Get yourself a good, PRO-MARRIAGE attorney. I'm fortunate that mine is an old family friend of ours and is doing this pro-bono (W has ended THAT friendship)

I just spoke to him and he wants to depose OM to determine if marital assets were used in the A (they have). Let the pressure build. Expose their defenses. Stand for your family. Don't talk about anything D related. Just pressure them in court and love 'em at home. The respect (and love) often returns when the bubble bursts and the fog lifts. Or so I've been told <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Lets keep communicating. We will outplay their Lawyers, outwit their OP's and outlast their fog. Our families deserve no less!

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp

sounds like a good plan to me!

maybe your L can recommend one in my area? course will let you know when and if that occasions arises.

prayers to you, RR

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Sure thing. We Florida wariors have to stick together!

bmp

Hi dlc,

I think I posted to you on the D board a while back.

I have stopped wondering and concerning myself with what my H is doing.That was part of Plan B and even though I no longer am in that plan,I hold true to it's ideals.I rarely talk with WH unless he is here at home while we go through Mediation although I have been the one to proceed with it.Right now the ball is in my WH's court since he has to attend the mandatory parenting classes before we can go through with the D.He may drag his feet, I don't know.We shall see.

As far as I can tell,he is only seeing the homewrecker at the most once a month,maybe twice if that.The other weekends of free time is spent here with me and the kids.I am sure he is still e-mailing and cell phoning too but that's it.What a drastic change from back in last October where they thought the world was revolving around them.Ha.Not so amazing now.I find it amusing that this homewrecker is willing to put up with dribs and drabs and left overs from my WH.But,IMO,she is a very jealous woman in denial.She pretends like my WH doesn't already have a wife and children so she can covet that which is already another woman's.

You shouldn't keep tabs on your WW anymore in the sense that you can do the 180 degree list options but don't get hung up on their actions.Even though our lives are spent picking up the pieces of our shattered dreams,I would rather be in my shoes than in WH's.I can live with myself and face my children and our families.Remember that marriages born out of A's rarely last and that's even IF they do marry,the percentages are very low.They can run but they can't hide.You reap what you sow,it WILL catch up to them,in time.

Your WW and the loser OM are just riding the wave of infatuation.But like all waves,they come crashing down and reality sets in.Just hang in there and hold out for as long as you can,following the MB principles.There is some truth to letting go but when YOU are ready,not on anyone elses timetable.You will be happy again,whether it's with your WW or not.It's hard to see that now but it's true.


O

It's tough seeing that we are still living under the same roof and are working VERY closley with the family/kids, but I hear you.

Remind me again why your WW is still living with YOU?

O

We're friends! She 'loves me but isn't in love with me'. I'm a great dad. We get along great in the house now that I've stopped discussing love and the OM. Her family loves me. She won't move and abandon the house. She hates to spend money. She wants to save face. Her OM told her that he and his W lived together for 11 months during their D, so she can too.

Crazy.

bmp

She's still asking me about my whereabouts, while she's packing for a weekend getaway. wow.

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp