I've had to do most of the work up to this point. Stay strong... don't fall apart... keep your chin up. But the longer she pushes me away and offers me no intimacy the less I feel for her. I still love her with all my heart, but the more she pushes, maybe the less I want to feel for her. I can't believe this feeling. I don't want to have it, but I do. The thing is I'm not going to act on it though. That's the whole reason I'm in this MB site anyway.

That's the reason she won't reconnect with me now. Feelings that tell her she can't trust me anymore. I'll just turn into that same man I was. Feelings of "too much damage has been done to fix it." Feelings of, "You'd be better off with another woman." Feelings.... they are such liars. My wife is literally ruled by fear. She cannot step out in faith despite her fear and work on us.

She shows no emotion, no passion, no affection, she has shut me out. Today's my birthday and she wants to take me out tonight. Why? Her heart is no more in this that a man in the moon. She doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want to touch me, why would I want to go through the sharade of a "happy dinner" when I'm dying inside.

I tried to talk to her last night before we went to sleep and she totally offers me no hope. I was so upset I was shaking. I couldn't even stay in the bed, I have to get up and get on the computer and goof around until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Somewhere around 3:30 I go to bed and wake up in the same nightmare.

I totally understand your feelings. There is light to be seen through this, though.

This morning, woke up very early while H was getting ready for work. After he left, I started my day with prayer. As I was praying, I felt such strength and peace coming into my heart.

Let me tell you ... when d-day first happened for me almost 1 year ago, I was devastated. Thoughts of suicide, not wanting to continue the M, not wanting a divorce, not sure of what to do.

Found MB and got my head together. Read lots of different books. Tried to better myself, change the way I interacted with my H, get rid of running away when things get tense, stuff like that.

We've had ups and downs since then. He has continued contact off and on ... think it's off again, which makes me see hope for us again.

But it's when I get a positive head on my shoulders and talk to God (about myself, changing myself and being a better person), that I feel a sense of well-being. This is what you have to keep in mind. It's easy to lose track of who you are in all of the stuff going on around you, but keep on keepin'on!

You can do this. She is there with you. You need to be the best person that you can. That's what I'm bound and determined to do!

Sending prayers your way!

I tried to talk to her last night before we went to sleep and she totally offers me no hope.
What were you "trying" to talk with her about?

Today's my birthday and she wants to take me out tonight. Why? Her heart is no more in this that a man in the moon.

But she DOES want to take you out.
Go, and thank her.
She has to take baby steps.

Happy Birthday, RS! I am just sorry you have to be so sad on your birthday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But I do know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way as you the first year after my H's affair. He was emotionally detached and I felt he was doing nothing towards our recovery. But, in alot of ways he was. He was withdrawing and that was the best he could do at that time.

Although it was a long and arduous road, the payoff was great. So please don't give up now, it may get better.

Yes yes, RWS, what turtlehead said. Take the scraps she gives you; it may be all she can do right now. You are incredibly anxious for her to be the way she used to and to love you effortlessly, but she can't, so she's just trying to do what she can while she kicks OM. Try to understand this. Your taker is out. I don't blame you; it is your birthday. But tell it to shut up anyway.

I'd love to be in the situation you're in. Can you believe that?

GC

Sorry RWS,

I'm not letting you off that easy. Something strange is NOT happening. You are having the same reaction to your WS that a lot of BS, me included, are having.

Your WS got herself into this mess and she will have to get herself out. But what is the mess?

Did you read this thread yet?
Onlywords - love bank deposits

You, me and Recovering H are in the SAME boat and he and I are going to ride this one out. Don't you let us down.

Your wife has a bunch of negative feelings to sort out. She can't give right now. Your flesh is crying "What about me?" And it hurts. And it sucks. And it isn't fair. You are preaching to the choir.

I can tell you this, God is upstairs saying "OK, RWS, what about you?"

Here are some points:
1) You are close with God.
2) You (somewhere in there) want your M to work or you wouldn't be posting.
3) Everyone here that has made it through it says the BS should stay the course and be strong, WS is in the "fog" and WILL come around.
4) Everyone in here THAT IS IN YOUR BOAT (me, Recovering H, others) is doing JUST THAT. Admittedly, we have days where it is tougher. I fall into the EXACT funk you are in too.
5) Sounds like God wants you to stay your course. CONFIRM that with Him, I'm not looking you in the eyes and hearing your voice, I'm just reading what you type. I can't really tell, but I expect it to be the case.

Here is how we WANT God to be:

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> "Please show me what you want me to do Lord, and I'll do it."

Here is how it actually works with the Big Guy:
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "Do what I SAY, then I'll show you why I had you do it. Maybe."

There are promises from God in the Bible about "the wife of noble character." Find 'em. Know 'em. Write them on a sticky note and put it on a wedding picture of your beautiful wife. Pray 'em when you go to bed and when you wake up. Here is how God's promises work, and you can't change the formula.

1) Hold on to them.
Don't say "God please give this to me." Rather, "God, this is your promise in the Bible which you told me was true and I am going to have this." (Look in Joshua, God has NEVER gone back on a promise.) Pray 'em in the morning and pray 'em in the evening. Pray them like you ALREADY HAVE THEM.

2) STEP OUT IN OBEDIENCE
These things are not dangled in front of you as a carrot. You pray 'em and walk in obedience WETHER YOU CAN SEE THEM GROW OR NOT. That is what faith is. If you could see it, why would you need the faith? You would have the proof.

3) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Freedom comes as a result. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
And peace. Lots of peace. Works for me. Haven't seen the clause in the Bible that says all this applies to NCWalker and NOT RWS.

Enough browbeating. You are not defective. I have posted similar things as you just have and was helped by this site. Brother, it is hard. The demons come and make you feel like you are getting more of your share grief for something YOU HAD LITTLE TO DO WITH! (By this I mean the A, you also have to own up to what you were doing wrong in the M. Your statement that went something like "she is afraid the old RWS will be back," sorry if I misquoted, tells me you are owning up. That is a HUGE step.)

The feelings come and the feelings happen and you wonder if you can LOVE HER again after what she did. I wonder the same thing. I have my down days, just like you. Then I look at God's promises for a "wife of noble character" pasted to her picture and DAG-NABIT I WILL HAVE THAT WIFE. IT IS A PROMISE.

Ask yourself these:

Who else would you want it to be with other than the mother of your children?

You fell in love with her before, why CAN'T you do it again?

You had a good marriage before, look what she is going through. All this pain. What is she going to learn? If she is broken-hearted and contrite over what she has done, God is going to work strongly with her and she should wind up an AWESOME wife. If not you, whose AWESOME wife will she be? I would want to be there for that.

The promises of God are real, just on His timetable. Don't go messing it up trying to fit it into yours. Read about Abraham and Sarai - they messed it up.

Post what you feel. It helps to say it.

Take comfort that others are in your situation. If you feel "weak" and can't "do" what I and others are doing for our FWWs, YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY! I couldn't do it either until I humbled myself and leaned on God.

NCWalker

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RWS.

As a FWW perhaps i can answer the question you want your W to answer for you...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Today's my birthday and she wants to take me out tonight. Why? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"because even now, even when i cannot feel the love i have for you, it is there and because it is there and it is your birthday i want to take you out to dinner."

my husband had to endure a lot of pushing away on my part before i was able to feel love for him again. and i will tell you straight up, it was very unfair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She cannot step out in faith despite her fear and work on us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she cannot step out on faith and work the way YOU want her to work, but she does want to celebrate your b-day with you. even though i understand how badly you want more, don't discount what she can and is trying to do.

i'll tell you a little secret, while i was pushing my H away (and let me tell you, i was VERY good at pushing him away), i was also watching his every move, VERY closely. your wife is too, if you can endure it, if you can stay consistently loving, if you can give her the time she needs to re-commit, i believe it will happen and it will be worth it.

ncwalker, you are a blessing to the BHs trying to find strength and you are a blessing to me too. at first all i thought was, "man i wish my H could read some of this" now i think "so that might be what is going on in H's head..."

this past weekend he told me he was having some positive days and he didn't want to mess it up by us talking (ok, so that is kinda funny when i say it like that). i asked him if he could describe the positive feelings. he said feelings like it is possible to forgive. it was then that i realized how easily i can fall into the habit of thinking, everyone here is so awesome, why can't my H be like that and how unfair that is to him.

to all BHs out there.... thank you for your efforts to hang on to us WWs

Well, I'm about 2 hours away from my birthday dinner. I want to personally thank you for your replies. NCWalker thanks for the slap of reality. You're absolutely right. My problem is that I get to feeling these ways and I start talking to her about all this deep stuff and she just shuts down, then I see her shut down and then I get angry at the rejection and round and round we go. I'm looking for her to fix this huge hole in my heart and I don't think she can, only God can.

Well, I have no idea how smart it is with all the "tough love" "plan a" "recovery" "blah blah blah" > but I went out and bought her some earrings to give to her tonight.

Finally Learning: If I read what you wrote the way you meant it to be read... I understand you completely.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this past weekend he told me he was having some positive days and he didn't want to mess it up by us talking (ok, so that is kinda funny when i say it like that) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I do to her. I just causes her to withdraw. God, I'm an idiot. You know, I really have changed on my LB stuff, the things that I'm struggling with now aren't about busting on my W, they are the frustration I feel over this whole thing. But, maybe my W sees it and sees it as the same thing. Who knows.

Again, thank you for your replies. NCWalker, I'll watch for your posts and you watch for mine, ok? It felt good to hear you linking me in with you all and the accountability of holding each other up and even jumping on me if it takes it. Thanks

Out!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I read what you wrote the way you meant it to be read... I understand you completely. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, i meant to write it the way it was meant to be read. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

joking aside, i do hope you understood me.

i was wondering one thing though... why did you buy her earings?? it's your b-day. my advice, let her take you out, don't try to one up her by giving her a gift... how will she feel if she has not bought you a b-day gift??

i'm not saying you are trying to one-up her but do you see what i mean??

have a great dinner, try to relax and enjoy each others company and leave it at that.

incidentally, do you and her have things you do for fun... for my H and I, we started to get back into playing racquetball, something we did when we dated. for a while we were playing almost every friday afternoon when kids were in school and it was very good!!! we have gotten out of the habit not to mention kids are not in school anymore, we play once in a while still, i need to work on increasing our fun. something for you to perhaps consider too.

RWS,

I have to agree with FL on this one about the earrings. DID YOU GO READ THAT THREAD I POSTED?!?! If your W is fitting the "pattern" here, any attempt at a LARGE deposit in the Love Bank at this point will probably go awry.

READ THAT THREAD. That is how she is thinking. Until she gets out of the major fogginess, where she is spouting things like "I don't deserve you" or "You would be better off with someone else" or things like that, any attempt to really love her is most likely going to be MISINTERPRETED as you highlighting how she feels. You don't want to be saying "See, you don't deserve me, look what I did for you."

Think ROCK STEADY. Take care of the family. Run the home. Pick up the balls she drops. ABOVE ALL, don't love bust. Do your best. It's hard, really hard. She does not feel like she DESERVES anything from you right now. Just be there for her. Listen when she needs, etc. Be the rock. Think "quiet resolve" until she is out of the fog.

Ever taken care of one of you buddies who was really drunk? Think like that. Do only what they need when they need and let them sleep it off, but keep a watchful eye in case they need something serious. Don't try to make it better, as they are NOT THINKING CLEARLY and it will only anger them and frustrate you.

How about it FWWs? Can I get a witness? Let's give RWS something useful here.

FL,

Easy girl. I am glad you came to the realization that we ALL have the "down" days. You guys know me only from my posts. I am usually not writing under duress and am careful and thoughtful as a result. My walk isn't quite where my talk is. I keep talking to not only help my fellow BS, but to convince myself of how I need to act. Just the way I do it. Runawaypot (my wife) could really let me have it on these boards if she wanted to, she is just being gracious.

Anyway, if there ever is anything you want to know about what goes on inside the head of the BS, ask and I will do my best to answer.

I'm feeling quoty again, so here goes:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well done is better than well said. - Ben Franklin </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let us all keep EACH OTHER on track. Who knows? Maybe will have a MB class of 2004 reunion somewhere in 5 years.

NCWalker

RWS: Somehow I missed this thread earlier today. Although, I think NCWalker basically covered what I would have told you.

As he said, take this time to 'care' for your wife. In addition, you can also take this time to work on yourself. Read some books, keep working on yourself. You say that you have improved, that you are better now than you were. Is there further room for improvement? I have been reading books like they are going out of style. I haven't done that for years. One thing it does, it helps to negate the negative thoughts that keep entering your mind and driving you crazy.

Stay strong. And we're here for you. Keep posting and God Bless!

NCW: Where do you suggest we meet for this reunion? I've not seen much more than the Eastern Coast of the US, and a little bit of Canada.

I hear Hawaii is nice, but....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

RH,

Please. Great words of support to RWS and then you ask me where I want to meet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Say it with me RH:

Anywhere our wives want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ROFL and hoping the gals don't find this thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NCWalker

NCW: You said 5 years out. I'm trying to think positive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Plus, today was a good day for me, didn't mean to rub it in. God Bless all.

ncwalker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ROFL and hoping the gals don't find this thread. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i heard that!!!!

"easy girl"?? does that mean you didn't like to be called a blessing?? TOUGH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

yes i know your wife is runawaypot, i think it is very cool you are both able to get so much support here. i realize we only see a fraction but i believe we see what you believe and how you want to be, the fact that you are not perfect at it (yet) doesn't really matter

AHA! Found You!! ROFL!

Actually, I saw this thread yesterday and was thinking about responding but didn't have time.

RWS, Yes, part of the problem is that we WW's don't feel like we deserve your kindness and forgiveness. But a BIG thing, for me anyway, was thinking "Why would my BS WANT any affection from me?" I would think he wouldn't want to touch me with a ten-foot-pole! AND.....when we are in that famous "fog", we are feeling confused (duh) - I know that since I still had some sort of feelings about OM (wasn't sure what they were) I felt two-faced. Any gesture I could have made toward my husband to try to help him feel more secure and hopeful felt a bit....empty and insincere. In my head I wanted to work on our marriage. It was the right thing to do. But my heart hadn't caught up to my head...so anything I did felt like I was just going through the motions...and THAT felt dishonest, as if I hadn't been dishonest enough already....so I didn't even want to try.

I posted earlier today on the "Moving Forward" thread that I eventually realized that part of what I was feeling about OM was BETRAYAL...my God, I hate to admit that. I actually felt betrayed by him. I don't know what your exact circumstances are, but there I was, trying to deal with being the betray-er and being betrayed, at the same time! I can't believe sometimes that it took me so long to see that. As soon as I did, though....man, I dropped that pity party I was having for myself so fast!

The guys gave you good advice. Recovering H had to pick a fight with me, but that could backfire very easily.
Someone said it may not seem your wife is responding, but she is watching your every move...that is TRUE! If Recovering H made too many "wrong" moves, I would have used that to further justify what I had done. I know, that's ugly of me...very ugly...but true.

Hope I have helped a little.

OW

I truly appreciate your input. I did give her the earrings last night and she lit up from ear to ear. She couldn't believe I had gotten them for her. I know it was my birthday, but I do stuff like that a lot. Gifts for no reason is sort of a thing I have always done. I saw what some of you wrote about giving them to her, but it was too late. Anyway, I'm glad I did it. She bought me the Band of Brothers DVD set, it was awesome!

great news!!! i'm glad the evening went well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RWS,

Absolutely stupendous. I am so glad it worked out for you. It seems you really know your wife and it is nice to see a couple have a "special moment" after. I also forgot to say Happy Birthday.

FL,

I get nervous from compliments. Sorry. I mean I enjoy them, but my childhood was WAY TOO appreciation driven. I had to struggle to get appreciative words from my father and sometimes don't want to hear them. I missed out on so much of that that when I do, I kind of cling to them too much and I think it bothers people. Kind of like a recovering alcoholic brining a bottle of wine to a party as a gift. It is just an awkward thing he has to handle. Compliments are awkward for me. Sad what our parents can do to us, isn't it? Blessing is, I see it and I am working on it.

So I guess what I should be saying is thanks FL, it was my pleasure to have a bright impact on your life.

RH,

I meant 5 years kind of like a class reunion. I also pray that recovery won't take that long.

NCWalker