I almost feel guilty posting this today, when so many folks are having such a worse time than I am.

Okay, no big secret that I'm dissatisfied, and that I feel like I'm the one dragging us kicking and screaming into recovery. H would be completely content (happier, in fact) to let bygones be bygones. He says he's a happy camper. But I live in fear that if his EA goes unexamined by us, that history is doomed to repeat itself. Maybe the problem was unmet ENs - I need to know which ones to meet! Maybe the problem is different love languages - I need to know which one he hears! Maybe the problem is nothing to do with me, and was a thirst for adventure or an attempt to recapture his youth. I need to know that H understands why he allowed himself to have the A *and how he intends to protect us from that in the future*.

This is all realistic so far, isn't it? To need to understand the hows and whys of the A, and put protective measures in place?

Radical Honesty. H has told me a few months back that he feels like I protect my daughters from him (he's their stepdad). I told him I think he's quick to judge and criticize, and slow to instruct - that I protect them from his belittling, but not from his discipline. I think we're doing pretty well here. I've made changes, he acknowledges he sees them. Still too new for him to believe they're permanent, I think.

But... a couple of weeks ago H told me that "at one point" (don't know if it was pre-A or post-A) he was so fed up with feeling ganged up against by me and my daughters that he was willing to walk. This surprised me and terrified me. I asked him WHY he didn't let me know? He says he did but I ignored him. I recall him saying I coddled them and was too easy on them. I don't recall him EVER saying it was a problem for him, or our M, or that he was hurt in any way. I heard a criticism of my parenting style with no alternative suggested. For him to be "ready to walk" w/o me having a clue shows a big disconnect - either in his ability/willingness to tell me or in my ability to hear him - probably both. I think I'm in line with expecting RH on something this serious. I think H should have spelled it out for me when he found I was unresponsive to his remarks about coddling the children. Yes?

Here's a gray area where RH is concerned. This weekend we had a minor discussion about a new puppy in our home. Someone has to watch him during his dinner and evening play time, so he can be taken out and kept from chewing on things. He's young, he needs supervision. H is working long hours on a project and said something about always having to watch the pup. It's true I have activities (mine or the kids') that take me out of the home 3 out of 7 nights. I told H I could watch the pup the other 4 nights. H said no, you run off every night to do something. I do sometimes go out other nights - grocery shopping or taking one of the kids to get something they want/need (swimming goggles, a fan for their room). I told him I could easily do this after the pup has been crated (in fact I *think* I *do* wait until the pup is crated). I told H it was important for him to tell me when he's feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of. He says there's no point because the things I do are all things that need to be done. I countered that even if that's true, I need to know how he's feeling, and that together we might be able to come up with a creative solution (like me buying groceries later, after the pup's dinner and play time).

Am I unrealistic in expecting RH from H in situations like this, when he's feeling drawn too thin and feels like he has considered the options and decided we're implementing the best strategy? If he feels the ground has been covered and he'd just be griping and complaining by bringing up the pup's schedule, should I still expect him to let me know he's feeling overdrawn?

Another RH example. One of our big problems, in H's eyes, is being a blended family (and my protection of the girls against him). H ordered a couple of books from Amazon and began reading them. I applauded his actions and told him to please highlight or read to me any portion of the books that rang true to him. I want to understand how he sees the issues and work with him to find a mutually agreeable (enthusiastic!) solution to whatever issues H sees. One of them has sat on his desk opened, face down, for 2 or 3 months now. I asked him what he thought of the book and he said it wasn't any good, it was only talking about how to get rebellious teens to accept the remarriage of a parent. Well I looked and he was only on page 37 out of 200+. I got the book and started reading it, and I found it to be superb - it talks about the R between the H and W and how it should be the focus so the blended family can be strong. It talks about fears the children might have, or anger, or divided loyalties. It talks about how the ex can wreak havoc in the security of the new M. It's a fabulous book.

So I asked H about that. I said I found it not to be about teens but about the R between the H and W... and he said oh, he must have been thinking about the other book. Maybe. I just wish he'd said "Oh, I've barely started the book." when I asked him what he thought about it. I *feel like* (not that this is true, but how I feel) H is not wanting to work on our M and it's easier to lie to me and blow me off than to actually dig into any real issues - even when they're issues that bother HIM.

So, am I realistic in my expectations for him to own this "blended family" situation (I'm fine with our family dynamics, personally) and READ some things and SHARE with me?

Should I have confronted H about leading me to believe he'd read the book when in fact he hasn't? (not sure how to do that w/o LBing)
Was I a fool to let him think I believed that he'd gotten the books confused? I don't want to call him a liar, but I do want him to know how important it is to me that he be "in this" with me. Or that he be honest if he has no intention of being "in this" with me.

Another grey area. When H had his EA, after he became pretty open to me - emails, pager, etc. - I tried "letting it go" but I still didn't really feel safe in the M. I know he's not carrying on with OW any more but I don't know why he ever did in the first place, and that makes me feel insecure and unprotected. We went to an MC who was poor to fair but frankly didn't do us any good. I think we'd do a LOT better reading FIL, SIL. H has agreed to do this and we got about 50 pages into it and then stopped a couple of months ago. I remind him every other weekend or every weekend that it's important to me and I really want to get back into it. Am I just expecting our M to recover on MY terms? Am I being selfish? Or is asking him to read this book (and one on affair recovery, afterward) a realistic expectation/boundary for me to set?

I do love my H. He is an unbelievably fantastic guy. Super smart, best sense of humor ever. I love our life - the "feel" of the home we've made together, the art we have placed in it. I love our travels, the fact that we both read, and camp. There is so much to enjoy about our life. But the deeper issues - Radical Honesty, true recovery, willingness to look the issues (like blended families) square in the eye and DO something about them - greatly concern me. I feel like we have a very pretty surface but no foundation. Am I right to be concerned, or am I seeing things only my way? Am I allowing fear to follow me and control me?

I swear, this A crap messes everything up. You get to where you don't even trust your own assessment of what's important and what constitutes a trivial "normal" marriage bump.

Comments welcome!!!!

turtlehead...

my response comes from having no firsthand experience with blended family and stepkids..

You decide if that makes me objective or just dumb.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

but here's my observation about the stepkid situation with you and hubby...

he feels like an outsider...

and you kind of confirm that you have kept him at bay on some of his interactions....

but..he feels that way because you are gatekeeper....

and now he's the one that has to order books...read the info....and then share the info with you....do this work...when it is YOU that are really in control of his access, and "authority" with the kids...

and none of this is a judgement...

you said...
I told him I think he's quick to judge and criticize, and slow to instruct - that I protect them from his belittling,....

so how does he learn differently....

also...you want to confront him about not reading a book and what struck at me that you said the book said...was about...

it talks about the R between the H and W and how it should be the focus so the blended family can be strong.

so why isn't that something YOU should work on...if you take the protector role...vs the partner role...
he may really feel on the fringe....
and if YOU don't want him on the fringe...
and it's you that needs to keep him on the fringe till he learns better ways....
why isn't you that should read the books and learn how to let him??

I guess I'm gonna ask if you are listening to what he says...really listening..without already forming your reply/defense...

again just food for thought...

ark

ark,

Many thanks for reading that dissertation.

he feels like an outsider...

Yes! He has used those exact words, and it broke my heart to hear it. That is when I began making changes in my "gatekeeping" behavior, and he has noticed. An outsider - you pegged it.

and now he's the one that has to order books...read the info....and then share the info with you....do this work...when it is YOU that are really in control of his access, and "authority" with the kids...

I know I'm being dense here. I'm missing your point. Spell it out for me again. I don't "feel" the problem (other than the fact that IMO instead of teaching and instructing, he ridicules and denigrates). So if I don't "feel" the problem, I don't see it, I don't understand it exists. And if he's the one that sees it, wouldn't he be the one to find good books and say "AHA! THIS is what I'm dealing with" and show it to me? I am eager to understand, and to repair. But it's a problem I don't really see, so I don't know how to fix it.

you said...
I told him I think he's quick to judge and criticize, and slow to instruct - that I protect them from his belittling,....
so how does he learn differently....

What I usually do is when he's talking about some problem that he's going to punish them for, I ask if he wants me to levy the punishment so they don't see him as "the bad guy" (because I didn't like punishing his kids for that reason). Then I ask him how he's going to approach the issue with them. Usually it's full of DJs with a bit of anger thrown in. I then say something like "Maybe it would help if you asked her why she did that" or I say "if that were me, I'd feel.... Perhaps it would be more effective if you.... I know I would be more receptive to that approach."

And after that, he owns the interaction with them.

so why isn't that something YOU should work on...if you take the protector role...vs the partner role...

Well, since he told me he feels like an intruder in his own family <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I have been very careful NOT to jump to their defense in front of them. If I take exception to how he handled something I wait until they aren't around. Now, I've never gone against the actual discipline - picking up trash in the yard, or sitting on the stairs, or whatever. I "protect" them from his verbiage - insults, sarcasm, things like that. I feel it that kind of attitude makes them angry and puts them in defense mode so they don't really learn the lesson.

I picked up the book in an effort to understand more how he and I (and my daughters) interrelate and what pitfalls we might need to look for. He got the book and then (IMO) dropped the ball so I picked it up. And, I'll admit it, I'm kind of irritated about that. I feel like I'm doing all the relationship work while he coasts.

I guess I'm gonna ask if you are listening to what he says...really listening..without already forming your reply/defense...

I'm not sure. I'll pay attention to this and try harder to put myself into his shoes.

Thank you, sincerely.

I don't "feel" the problem (other than the fact that IMO instead of teaching and instructing, he ridicules and denigrates).

see it' like both of you see THE PROBLEM differently...

you see the problem as the way/approach to the kids...

he sees the problem as you denying him access to intervene....

he gets books and stuff on it..but what he views as being wrong is you stopping him...

not his approach...
which does sound like it needs tweeking....

but heres some thoughts...

is the negative punishment exagerated by you turtlehead because he is a step dad...and you carry a special protection filter....
that magnifies things....

if he was bio-dad would you judge his punishments as negatively as you do...and if he was bio-dad doing the same thing would your first response be protection or really working with him....

in other words sometimes grownups..be them bio or step dads are crappy interveners....some based on what they learned as kids....

maybe he feels like your making it ALL his problem..
and maybe he views you have a role in the 'problem" as well...

I agree with you that dealing out punishment with verbal attacks and sarcasm is not good....

but it's also not the worst to die for....
I guess I would question the bigger picture of how the over all interactions are ....especially if he is learning to change it...every time you see an interaction absent of the negative stuff or even less than usual...tons and heaps of positive reinforcement...


how are their interactions when things are goig good
what the overall picture of their interactions...

ask if he wants me to levy the punishment so they don't see him as "the bad guy" (because I didn't like punishing his kids for that reason).

no parent is the bad guy when correcting behaviors and actions that the kids own and need to take responsibility for....
and i know there are days when you feel like all you have done is act like a shrew...my kids sometimes tell me to calm down..which is pretty funny or sad depending on how you look at it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

the other thing that you two may want to discuss lovingly is the fallout from previous marriages..

he visits with his own kids...
and lives with your...

it has to have an impact on some level..
for surely it affects his own children that they to visit dad...and he's busy raising other kids but not them....

so who knows the emotions attached to that issue...
whew...it can make your head spin....

ARK

ark,

Thank you again for your time, your perception, and your wisdom.

see it' like both of you see THE PROBLEM differently...
you see the problem as the way/approach to the kids...
he sees the problem as you denying him access to intervene....

Yes I think we do have two different problems here, plus probably some more that we haven't defined yet. I've been reading more in the book (Stepcoupling, in case anyone is interested). We do a LOT of things right, which is encouraging. I expect things of him I really shouldn't. He also expects to be more of a natural authority figure than is realistic. I'm enjoying the read immensely. I hope he reads it, too. If he doesn't I'll see what points I can bring up in conversation w/o trying to preach and teach.

is the negative punishment exagerated by you turtlehead because he is a step dad...and you carry a special protection filter....
that magnifies things....

Not because he's a stepdad, no. I actually feel his punishments are more fair than bio-dad's. They're better related to the infraction and better match the severity of the offense. It's the disrespect and tearing down I take exception to. Until recently, I apparently didn't make it clear that it was the technique I took exception to, rather than the correction or punishment. I now let H know when I think he's been excessively hurtful in his approach, and to his credit I think he listens.

Thus far each encounter like this has turned into a big angry outburst on his part but it's new to him, talking about the step-parenting. Until recently he viewed my defense against his hurtfulness as defense against everything - his authority, the punishment, his approach. He was very hurt and keept it all bottled up inside. When I talk to him about his approach, he reacts with anger because he assumes I'm going to attack him and defend them (his words). He's learning that I've heard his complaint and I've made big changes. That makes me very proud of myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

how are their interactions when things are goig good
what the overall picture of their interactions...


Overall interactions between H and my bio-kids are polite to friendly, but H would rather be out of the room when they're around. The dynamics of this could be an entire thread (and it's interesting!) but I think with the book and our newly opened communcation on the topic, we're making progress in step-parenting.

I'd like to stick to my original question as to whether my expectations are realistic, or if I'm being selfish in trying to get H to see everything my way. I can see that in this particular area (step-parenting) I'm thinking it's him that feels uncomfortable so he should own it -- whereas they are MY bio-kids so I should step up to the plate more and partner with him more on a solution. Plus I have my own protective behavior to keep in check.

he visits with his own kids...
and lives with your...
it has to have an impact on some level..

Great insight, but misguided. His kids lived with us until one of them was old enough to opt to live with Mom. The other lived with us until he went to college. Mine lived split between me and bio-dad (joint custody) until one opted to live with Dad and the other with me. So I *think* the kids are all pretty cool with where they're living.

Nevertheless, for a person who has never step-parented, that was a wise observation to make, and I appreciate it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on my other expectations, too, ark (and others). Examining his EA (and mine); Radical Honesty in various situations and degress of severity or impact; expecting him to read a book with me...

The thing is, I'm very frustrated -- sometimes to the point of thinking I'd prefer to just live on my own -- and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm expecting too much from him. Maybe I'm still mad over his EA and trying to punish him for it. Maybe I'm on the right path and these are things we need in order to heal. I just don't know.

Thank you, again.

Turtlehead: I read this thread yesterday and wanted to respond. It looked like I was going to have to do a little more thinking than I usually do, so I decided to wait. Now glad I did.

I have alot rattling around upstairs, but there were really only two or three things that I thought might help you.

First off, you know your husband better than anyone here, so to answer your question "are these realistic expectations?" only you will truly know the answer to that. But one thing that could help you, would be to sit down and make a list of all the positives and negatives to your Marriage. (I think you've covered many of the negatives in your original question.) Next place a weighted score next to each item (rank them on a scale of 0-5, with 5 being that you feel really good about and zero you feel really crappy about-in other words, that item needs lots of improvement). Next add up your scores and put a date on the list. Then keep it. Now you don't want to score your marriage too often or you won't see any significance in improvements or otherwise. Probably do this either quarterly or every six months. Try to do this when you feel good (physically, mentally, etc.), but the next time you do the scoring your mental state should be about the same as it was originally. See where I'm going? One of the things I notice at work is that those who don't "keep score" don't make as much progress as those who do.

Now once you've done this scoring, try to focus YOUR efforts on one area. When you see change here, go to the next area. Remember though that you can't control your H, only yourself. So work on yourself first. Now from what I know of you on this site, you seem to have your act together and that's good. But as you continue to work on yourself and your part of the marriage, your H will see this and may decide to come along for the ride.

Now the 2nd thing you need to remember is that everybody is different. Your H may have already "processed his A" (but he may not have and he definitely didn't with you). But if we've learned anything today, it is difficult if not impossible to make somebody else do exactly as we want. So if you want your H to "process the EA's" with you, you'll have to tread carefully in trying to pull this information out of him. However, if you are able to use the top item to help improve your marriage, you may eventually get him to help you with what you need. (In other words be patient, very, verry patient.)

On a side note, Onlywords today asked me "where's that book you wanted me to work through with you?" The book being Torn Assunder. Blessings come when you least expect them.

I'll close this with all of these comments are coming from a BS that allowed is marriage to be vulnerable (by unmet needs). So I could

Good luck and God Bless AND THANKS for all the help you have provided me in the last 2 months (responses to my questions posts AND in your posts to others). Your love is amazing and hopefully your H will soon realize that,
RH

Recovering H,

I very much appreciate your response and the time it took to gather your ideas and put them down "on paper".

First off, you know your husband better than anyone here, so to answer your question "are these realistic expectations?" only you will truly know the answer to that.

This quite surprised me, and encouraged me. I was actually wondering if I'm out in the weeds even hoping to accomplish these things. The fact that you say it depends on my H means I'm not expecting ridiculous things. I suppose you've known people who tell their spouse to go ahead and go play darts or whatever and then get angry when the spouse goes "because they should have known it bothered me" - expecting your spouse to know what you want when you tell them the opposite is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting your car to run on water or without oil changes is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting my H to wake up with minty fresh breath is an urealistic expectation. I think you're saying I'm not shooting for the unattainable, which is what I wanted to know. I do understand I'll need H's buy-in; I've had such a hard time getting it that I thought perhaps I was asking the impossible.

sit down and make a list of all the positives and negatives to your Marriage... Next place a weighted score next to each item

This is a great idea. It is subjective but concrete and put down "in stone" so that hazy recollections aren't part of the confusion. I actually have a sort of a beginning list from November of last year, when I went NC with OM and decided to address my M with renewed vigor. Unfortunately, it's just the bad things, the things I wanted to work on. I do know some of the things from back then have improved.

I'll make a new list with good and bad. I'd actually been thinking about that this morning, as a means to get my brain around whether things are really better than I "think" - meaning I'm choosing to dwell on the problems and failing to appreciate all we have going for us; or whether things are really worse than I "think" - meaning I'm accepting less than I should and "settling".

Now once you've done this scoring, try to focus YOUR efforts on one area. When you see change here, go to the next area. Remember though that you can't control your H, only yourself. So work on yourself first.

Also good advice. I tend to scurry from area to area and feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and defeated. Focus will help!

Working on myself is one of my biggest challenges. It's not that I *mind* it, or that I think I have no faults - my problem is that it's very difficult for me to see the part I play in these dynamics (and easy to cast blame on H and become resentful toward him as a result).

I think I will go on a "Turtlehead Improvement" campaign for the next 3 to 6 months, and then reassess, and see how it goes. My first area of focus will be stepping OUT of the gatekeeper role between H and my girls.

Hooray! I have a plan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have no idea how frustrated I was, and how optimistic I feel now.

I suspect I'll be posting "My H won't do X, what is MY ROLE in that?" in a few weeks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks again!