I’m freaking out right now and wish I could type with my thoughts…

I’m a FWH, D-Day in Feb. NC since, want to work on my marriage, BS pissed as hell, want to move out and separate, Son almost 8 months old.

More details here


Anyway, the OW just called and left a message for me at work! ****! ****! She says she wants to ask me about a few people at her work.

Wait, understand that I never had feelings for OW nor OW for me. It was PA, definitely not EA. I was never “in love” just a ****ing idiot!

Soooo, what do I do now? Do I call her and repeat NC? (no NC letter sent, don’t know address) Do I ignore the call? Do I tell my BS? I already know what some of you are going to say but you better bring your 2x4’s cause I think that’s a really BAD idea.

But, W could have set this call up!?! She has access to all of my old (and new) phone records.

THIS IS NOT GOOD!

My W has already distanced herself emotionally from me and I’m afraid this will push her further.

Please advise.

Don't call OW. Ignore her message.

DO call your W, advise her this happened and that you know it is upsetting to her but you WANT TO ALWAYS BE UP FRONT AND HONEST with your W so you felt compelled to tell her.

Yes, she'll be upset, at first.
And then she'll realize that she can trust you.

This is a big opportunity to earn trust. BIG.

turtlehead is exactly right!

hi robby, as scary as it sounds... i think they are right. big opportunity to show W you will always come to her and be honest. AND that coming to her and being honest is the FIRST thing you will do!!! do not try to decide if you should contact OW to restate NC or anything else on your own. let this be an opportunity for you and your W to handle the decision TOGETHER!!!

she may be mad or unable to see what you are trying to do but do it anyway. my guess is that she will have to see it but may not be able to acknowledge it to you. but that is NOT important. YOU DO THE RIGHT THING and the right thing is to be honest at all times. right???

I agree... you have to ignore the OW and tell your W....pronto!!!

I'm a BS and if my WW ever decided to re-commit to our M and do NC... this is exactly what I would want her to do should the circumstances be the same. Tell your W man.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

how ya doing robby??? calming down yet??

by the way... my counsoling went well today, i like her and i think she will help me focus on digging into why i have behaved as i have and more importantly, helping me learn healthier habits, by releasing the past and truely feeling God's love and forgiveness that he gives to all of us. thanks for your nudging by the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I'm a BS and I would definately want to know about it. Any little secret kept from me is a betrayal (I am going through sort of the same thing right now; I contacted OW and didn't tell H...see thread "I Lb'd big time...need advice". If my H had contact and didn't tell me, I think I'd have to leave. It's as simple as that. Honesty and have me, no honesty and I'm freakin' out of here. If you love her, tell her. I would not be angry at my H if she called, I'd be happy he told me. Now, if he called her back, I'd have to hurt him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But, as long as you maintain your end of the bargain, you didn't do anything wrong.

Let us know how you're doing hon.
-michelle

This isn't as bad as it seems. Yes,you messed up, that can't be changed, she will have to accept that sooner or later. This call serves your end though....you sent a nc letter,so,now I would tell the wife about the message ,let her listen to it if you can, she will wonder what was said and this will help her to know for sure, even if its bad crap. If its bad crap, then you would hide it if you cared about OW....if you show wife, she feels that you couldn't care what the OW says to you. That was step one. Step two, and this will probably get you some SF...file a restraining order, of your own accord. Now, that is how you start to win her back...above and beyond , with full disclosure of things that are appropriate.

Robby, it's so hard to have emotions stirred up and to not be able to really DO anything about them. It's cool that this place is here as a place to absorb some of that. It sounds like you're trying hard to look at the big picture. Take care as you navigate the choppiness. There are bound to be calmer waters up ahead.

still waiting to hear how you are doing Robby...

Good morning all!

Sorry this took so long!

Thank you everyone for your replies. They helped more than you can imagine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now for an update…

I told my W about the message from OW but it took until 9:38 PM for me to summon the courage. I said that I had something to tell her but I was really nervous about it. Once that was out there was no going back!

I told her I always want to be up front and honest with her and that the OW left me a message at work. She asked what it she said; I told her she had questions about people at old workplace.

BW – “You should call her back, it’s obvious you two had something together”

I told her we didn’t, never had feelings, I swear!

BW – “I just don’t believe that. What, is she a whore?”

Me – “Yeah, I guess…I’m definitely not going to defend her.”

This went on for a bit, I felt like I was digging a deeper hole so I stopped trying to convince her of the truth… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

W told me I should call OW and tell her we were separating. Because of W thinking I had feelings for OW I didn’t think that was a good idea. I told her I would call her back and repeat NC but only if she was on the other line.

She said she wasn’t going to do that, stupid idea…

Turtlehead & MelodyLane: Thank you. I’m pretty sure I knew the answer but really NEEDED to hear it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FinallyLearning: It’s always great to hear from you! Do you know you are the first person who ever posted a reply to me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyway I relate to you and your situation a lot! Many times I could take your posts, change the setting and a few Acronyms, and make them my own.

I’m glad your IC went well yesterday! Keep us all updated!

Want My Wife Back: Thank you and I hope you get what you want from your WW. My BW hasn’t committed to working on our M either… <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Halseybach: Thank you, your post made me laugh out loud! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

RookKev: Unfortunately I deleted the message the instant I heard it, reflex I guess?!? Also, I never sent a NC letter b/c I don’t have an address. Had a NC phone conversation right after D-day. I want step two! Haven’t had SF since D-day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

DeNovo: Very wise words that need to be heard (not memorized) often!


Generally speaking I’m an emotional wreck. I went to a bar Friday with my BIL & a friend to get some wings. It was karaoke night, lots of kids singing. I ordered some extra wings for my W to go…

The next thing I know someone starts singing Bonnie Raitt – I can’t make you love me. I’m listening and reading the words and I started to lose it! Thankfully my W’s order came, I told BIL & F I wanted to take food to W before it got cold, I rushed out the door and cried all the way home.

I won’t give all the details of the other 3 crying sessions this weekend, just know they happened.

W is still determined to separate and get her own place.

Says this is not working and has not worked for so long.

SHE IS NOT WILLING TO WORK ON M OR GO TO MC!!

Says something needs to change, isn’t happy!

SHE IS NOT WILLING TO WORK ON M!!

Says she needs to get out on her own so she can think, decide what she wants…

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Walkingoneggs told me a long time ago that this was like trying to melt an iceberg with one cup of hot water at a time. Can’t I trade up to a bucket?

Robby,

Thanks for the update. You did the right thing, for sure! Absolutely, positively, no doubt about it.

<strong>BW – “You should call her back, it’s obvious you two had something together”
<...>
W told me I should call OW and tell her we were separating. Because of W thinking I had feelings for OW I didn’t think that was a good idea. I told her I would call her back and repeat NC but only if she was on the other line.</strong>

You did SO WELL!!! Your W is doing a couple of things here. First, she's venting her pain just a little. Second, she's testing a bit, to see if you're sincere. Believe me, she does NOT want you to call OW. Your offer to call ONLY to repeat NC and ONLY if W was on the other line was exemplary. Sounds like you didn't LB, you didn't defend OW, you kept your W's security at top priority. Well done.
<strong>W is still determined to separate and get her own place. </strong>

But she's not moved out yet, and you are showing her that you are a new, trustworthy Robby.

<strong>SHE IS NOT WILLING TO WORK ON M OR GO TO MC!!</strong> Because she's afraid your new commitment is a flash in the pan, temporary. Deep breath. Patience. Time.

robby,

good job on your honesty. i'm sorry your W was so hard on you. i know there is no outwardly sign but i would bet you she still took note of your actions, and those actions were correct!!! just keep remembering that and keep your actions corrent.

i know i was the first to post to you when you got here. i am really glad it was so helpful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> there are those here for me that will always hold an extra special thank you in my heart for how much they helped me too, especially at the beginning. i am always glad when i can give back.

incidentally, i like having another person in my shoes (although i think you are actually in worse shoes than me... my H is more open to saving the M), not cuz i wish this on anyone!!! but it just helps. i don't always feel like the typical WW because my A didn't have the emotional side to it (a small amount but nothing serious, which means i liked the person but in no way was i looking or wanting an real attachment occuring). i definitely had a hard time walking away for a long time but that had more to do with what i got out of the relationship than any feelings of love for the person.

i agree with th, i think your actions were right on the money with wanting to call only if W was on the line. have you and W had any contact with each other today?? how is she doing?

not sure if this would be a good idea or not, maybe you can draft up a NC letter that reads as if it is from both you and wife and ask wife to read it and that you could email it to OW and sign it from both you and your wife. (i know you don't have address... do you have email address?)

i hope your day has been ok

Robby, I was going to respond last night and encourage you to tell but was interupted. My suggestion was that you should tell REGARDLESS of W's anticipated reaction. The reason to tell is because it is the right thing to do. Period. As long as you continually do the right thing consistently you will get stronger and that is a good thing. W can join the effort or not but you can only do the best you can. Just like the Bonnie R. song you mentioned. But you can make yourself someone who is loveable and respectable and honest. That is the key to moving up from a cup to a bucket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Glad that analogy stayed with you. Your W will soften just be consistent and very predictable. I used to view predictability as boring but now I see it as honorable and dependable. You are going to be fine. BTW if it really was PA only I think you should consistently state that to W when the topic comes up. I think she will want to hold onto the idea that this woman threw herself at you and that will make it easier for her to heal. If she thinks heartstrings were involved it will be significantly harder for her to rationalize this like she wants to. I know in my situation I would love to convince myself that OM pressured W and manipulated the situation to get his way, but it's not the truth and no matter how hard I try I can't do it. But for you if it is the truth (meaning PA only) that would be a positive and probably more significant to a woman.

Robby, I just noticed we share the same D-Day; only seperated by 2 years. I must be using a thimble to still be here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

.

No contact with W today, she makes a point not to call me during the day unless she needs something - since D-day. I did send her a text message though. Every morning I take a pic with my phone of baby S. I send it to her in the middle of the day with cute little messages from him.

Today’s was “FYI MAMA! DADA’s shrink appt. got moved to 6:00.”

I have IC tomorrow – Thank GOD!

I don’t have an email address either. Just think I’ll let it go.

"I like pizza. I like it a lot!"

"She touched my 'pep-pay' Steve."

Doug Kinney #4 – Multiplicity

I think Doug #4 and I shared a brain during the A. I wasn’t thinking at all. I screwed up BIG TIME!

I do feel better about telling W about OW phone message though. I think it helps me, at least, even if she didn’t take it very well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do feel better about telling W about OW phone message though. I think it helps me, at least, even if she didn’t take it very well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad. you should feel good, you did the right thing.

but, what the heck does all this mean?????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I like pizza. I like it a lot!"

"She touched my 'pep-pay' Steve."

Doug Kinney #4 – Multiplicity

I think Doug #4 and I shared a brain during the A. I wasn’t thinking at all. I screwed up BIG TIME!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm going home, i guess i'll have to wait till tommorow to find out. hope your evening goes ok.

Watch the movie! It's pretty funny and well done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

W is definately moving out, which means I'll need to move too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She's kicked it into high gear now! Not b/c of yesterday, just in general.

She wants change... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I want my wife back! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I’m miserable today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My W is charging “full steam ahead” in her efforts to move out.

She claims she cannot address her feelings or what she wants re: our M until she has time to think, out on her own.

OK, it’s not my job to understand that, I should simply respect her decision.

The problem is I don’t respect it. I feel like her mind is already made up (for D) and she is just dragging it out for some unknown reason.

Additionally, W says all of her prior mistakes were either “different” or my fault.

??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

To make matters worse she continues to accuse me of additional A’s, going on right now, after D-day!

I want to scream- HOW CAN SHE THINK THAT AFTER I’VE BEEN SO HONEST WITH HER!?! AFTER I’VE DISCLOSED MY A?!? TOLD HER I WANT TO WORK ON OUR M!?! BEEN COMPLETELY ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL MY TIME?!? ETC?!?

Then, of course, I realize she does not trust me.

She’s never trusted me. Even before A. I don’t know if she’s ever trusted anyone!

BUT IT HURTS TREMENDOUSLY TO BE ACCUSED OF THINGS I AM NOT DOING!!!

At least it’s not her sister this time!

I’m sorry for the rant, IC in less than 6 hours, my edges are frayed!

hi robby, take a deep breath!!!

first, my H does the same thing. out of the blue and this was just last week, he asked me if i was really at work that day. i told him YES!!!

and he asked me if i ever call forwarded my office phone to OM's place. that is not possible to do. actually i am not 100% sure about that one but what sense would that even make??? lets say i did forward it to OM's place, and then when someone calls my office it rings his phone and if we are "busy" and don't answer, OM's answering machine picks up.... duh!!!!! the point being... they are not thinking clearly, they are scared of being hurt more. they feel extremely stupid that they never caught on to the A. sounds like you confessed which is what i did too. my H was shocked, was yours?? i think the fear factor has to be greater for them than for those BS who sensed something was wrong, who saw the clues, because at least they can feel like they were smart enough to see it. ours totally missed it completely. and mine went on (well off and on) for 2 1/2 years!! how long did yours go on for?

as for the trust even before the A, my H was the same way, he never trusted me. he accused me of stuff very early on in our dating, his jealousy was terrible. and my actions didn't help.

example, this was early in our dating, we were driving to a friend's house and we were kidding with each other, i forget the details but i will say it was in fun, we were arguing about something and he said, well you can always get out of the car and i said fine pull over and he did and i got out and he took off. we were only blocks from our destination, he went there and was telling everyone what he just did, he says he was about to go back and get me, BUT... and here is where i got the last laugh, just after pulling away another person (a guy, friend of Hs) pulls up on his motorcycle and asks what is up, i tell him and he says, want a ride, i'm going there too. so as H is joking, I pull up on motorcycle. in my eyes, serves the guy right!!! don't be kicking me out of the car if you don't mean it. everyone laughed but it really was not funny.

everyone has problems trusting!!!! in my humble opinion anyway, some have a harder time than others. all you can do is keep your actions true now and understand her fear. when she accuses you, how do you react, angry? frustrated? try quietly telling her "i will never hurt you again" and if she lets you, hug her.

regarding her moving out... does she have concrete plans on how to do this. can she finanacially afford it? does she work? you have a small son to care for. are you really sure she is serious when she talks about moving out or is she lashing out on you?

now tell me... what movie are you talking about???? ok, i know that is extremely irrelavant but i am still curious.